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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu thinking my parents should pay

430 replies

PigsInSlankets · 06/01/2019 22:59

For themselves on my birthday? I don't expect them to fork out on my dinner or my dh/dc. But its a 'milestone' birthday and I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for themselves and their families.

Attending are myself, DD, DH.
My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM
My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

OP posts:
Myglassesareknackered · 07/01/2019 09:58

you actually went out to dinner with your IL’s again after that?
I’d steadfastly refuse following such weird grabby behaviour!
To be fair, it’s only been a couple of times and they’ve paid each time!

tenredthings · 07/01/2019 09:59

Could you all meet up at yours or someone else's house and everyone bring a dish to share ?

BurgerHill · 07/01/2019 10:02

With birthdays in my family, we all go out for dinner, pay for ourselves and split the birthday persons share between us all so the birthday person doesn't pay, because it's their birthday.

I can't imagine expecting someone to pay simply because they asked me if I wanted to celebrate with them Hmm

thenightsky · 07/01/2019 10:13

Can you message them saying something along the lines of: 'when you suggested a meal out, I thought that was my birthday present from you'.

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 10:15

Whoever sets up the event should pay.I.e. Them

If the OP’s dad says-‘have you thought about going out for dinner for your birthday?’ I wouldn’t say that was setting up the event.

But either way-noone is willing to pay a large restaurant bill for so many people, so treat the restaurant with some courtesy and cancel now.

carrotflinger · 07/01/2019 10:16

I'm in another country and here the tradition is that the person celebrating their birthday pays for all of the guests they invite. They decide how many people they can afford to invite. No one would expect to pay for their own meal if they had been invited to a restaurant.
BUT a) it's a different culture to Britain and b) you wouldn't get cheeky fuckers suggesting a birthday meal and then choosing people to invite themselves and then expect the person celebrating the birthday to pay for all of that.

I think your parents are cheeky. If it had just been the two of them and not the extras, maybe you could have paid for them but it's going to cost a lot of money to feed all of those extra people never mind the drinks' bill.
I'd cancel it - say there's been a misunderstanding and you simply can't afford it and then invite everyone round to yours for coffee and cake.

Someone else said it had opened their eyes to what other people's parents are like. It has opened mine too. Nobody in my family would pull a stunt like this - and I'm including all the aunties and uncles in that.

Honeyroar · 07/01/2019 10:16

I'd go out for a lovely meal with your husband and children then buy a cake (Tesco traybake if need be) and a few cheap bottles of Prosecco and tell them to pop round for cake and fizz if they want once you get back from the meal.

arranbubonicplague · 07/01/2019 10:23

I'm seconding every poster who said that the booking needs to be cancelled ASAP - from the sound of it, there's no deposit to lose (even if there were, it just has to be lost).

Have a lovely celebration with the people you want to celebrate with! Grin

Eliza9917 · 07/01/2019 10:31

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

They can't go then, can they.

shinysinkredemption · 07/01/2019 10:33

My goodness me, cancel, don't even try to get them to pay. It sounds as though they'd be likely to "forget" their wallets even if they did grudgingly agree. There's no way I'd want to spend a special birthday with such cheeky f@@kers. I'm sorry your parents are so tight!!! Hope you have a lovely time with DH and DD.

StoppinBy · 07/01/2019 11:02

Yep, cancel and ASAP so the restaurant has time to rebook that table, not such a big deal for small bookings but if they knock back a large booking because of yours they will be upset.

I too would assume that a birthday invite meant paying your own way, have only ever been to meals out where I have paid for myself except for once when my well off uncle and aunty said they were paying for everyone.... we snuck off and paid our own anyway, being paid for makes me uncomfortable.

flowery · 07/01/2019 11:05

I don’t understand why you would cancel the whole booking just because two of the guests don’t want to pay for themselves. They can opt not to come. Easy.

Holidayshopping · 07/01/2019 11:08

I don’t understand why you would cancel the whole booking just because two of the guests don’t want to pay for themselves. They can opt not to come. Easy

It’s not just two guests, is it?

Attending are myself, DD, DH.My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM. My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

If the parents aren't expecting to pay for themselves, I doubt the others are either. Although, OP hasn’t clarified this.

ambereeree · 07/01/2019 11:22

I would cancel the birthday meal but only tell them the day before to be a cow. Then go out with DH and DD and have a lovely stress free birthday.

Blackandwhitecat1 · 07/01/2019 11:29

Gosh, it sounds like your DF deliberately suggested the meal to get a free lunch if he didn't even intend to pay for himself??? It's completely out of order to essentially say to somebody 'as it's your birthday, I'd like you to take me out for a nice meal please!'

Don't send the text to everyone though. I'd say to both parents that you can't (and shouldn't) have to pay for everyone to have a birthday meal that wasn't your idea, and that you will be cancelling. Go out for a lovely dinner with DH and DCs and then have cake and a drink at yours if you want to.

Original poster
PigsInSlankets · 07/01/2019 11:47

Table has been cancelled and parents informed. I've booked another table at a restaurant nearby for just me, DH and DD. I have said to them they are free to pop over for cake and drinks in the evening, but I am not being used as a free meal for 12 people, the majority of which I haven't seen in about 2 years+. I havent got the money. Haven't heard anything from either of them yet

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 07/01/2019 11:51

Well done OP. You are duty bound to entertain us with their sad response, you know? Smile

Aibu thinking my parents should pay
Fusioluxe · 07/01/2019 11:54

Good for you. Happy birthday, hope you have a wonderful meal.

Lweji · 07/01/2019 11:55

Well done.

RockinHippy · 07/01/2019 11:57

WTAF 😱

Your parents expect YOU to pay for them on YOUR birthday meal that they suggested.

I've heard it all now 😐

YADNBU & I'm so sorry that your family are being such dicks ☹️

bengalcat · 07/01/2019 12:00

Wow so they suggested it and expect you to pay . Traditionally the Birthday Girl is treated . Unless you’re ‘ filthy rich ‘ , not that it’s an excuse if you are - no way . I’d cancel and be quite clear why .

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 12:05

That's shocking, you have done the right thing, I'm appalled at your parents expecting you to take everyone out for dinner on your birthday. How grabby can they get.

Myglassesareknackered · 07/01/2019 12:06

Well done OP!

HJWT · 07/01/2019 12:17

@PigsInSlankets good for you op! Absolutely ridiculous to expect you to pay x

RebootYourEngine · 07/01/2019 12:19

Good on you for cancelling. Cheeky fuckers.