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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu thinking my parents should pay

430 replies

PigsInSlankets · 06/01/2019 22:59

For themselves on my birthday? I don't expect them to fork out on my dinner or my dh/dc. But its a 'milestone' birthday and I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for themselves and their families.

Attending are myself, DD, DH.
My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM
My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

OP posts:

Lweji · 07/01/2019 23:08

We would never get to do anything otherwise! I can afford £80 for the 4 of us but there is no way I could afford the £500 minimum that it would cost to pay for everyone else!

But if you go to family or friend's celebration dinners 7 times per year and pay £80 for the 4 of you, you also spend €500.

It's important that the same rule is applied all the time, although both are open to abuse.
The main problem arises when those paying do not have a say on the costs.

IDECLAREBANKRUPTCY · 08/01/2019 01:17

But that cost is spread out.

Winnie2019 · 08/01/2019 06:01

@Llwej.

We don't go out 7 times per year. My family (siblings and nieces/nephews) is is over 30 people so £500 wouldn't be anywhere near enough anyway.

Generally paying for other people is only something that wealthier people do. As I said before it's not something that has ever happened in my family or circle of friends.

When we invite in our family the invitation is not mandatory. We would never go out if we had to have a saving plans to afford it.

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2019 08:03

Plenty of people don't go out seven times a year and even more couldn't afford the one off cost of 500,

The op has already said she cant afford to take 12 people out for dinner, she won't be unusual in this and I'm guessing even if she did have a spare 500 quid laying around, this is not how she would chose to spend it. And why should she? Better to have seven meals throughout the year with her husband and daughter than blow five hundred quid taking her extended family out for dinner for her birthday.

Lweji · 08/01/2019 08:13

I don't think the OP should have paid, nor I know how many times you go out.
Just doing the math. You'll be the judge of what option best applies to you. Read the post.

Inertia · 08/01/2019 09:06

Sounds like your parents wanted to get the glory of a big showy family event on their terms and with their guests, but not actually fork out the money.

MumW · 08/01/2019 14:12

When DH and I have had milestone birthdays we have always paid for whatever we have arranged whether that be a party or a meal out. I would never invite people to celebrate something with me and not pay

I think the whole issue is that it wasn't the birthday girl's idea so she didn't arrange/invite anything/anyone.

I'm so glad you've cancelled, it would have been madness to do something you couldn't afford just because it's your birthday - milestone or otherwise.

BlackberryandNettle · 08/01/2019 15:43

Well done for cancelling and I hope you have a lovely meal with your immediate family. Very mean of your parents to suggest going out and to then invite more people and assume you would pay - just gobsmacking. Your mum's response was pretty bitchy too, I'd just ignore it to be honest, don't get drawn into their dramas.

EggFrenzy · 08/01/2019 16:11

I also don't understand why the OP's mother has taken offence at the change in venue, ie at OP's home. Sounds like she just wanted the restaurant meal "for show"

gustofwind · 08/01/2019 17:27

Really shocked for you OP. They are SHITS of the highest order.

I hope you have a spectacular birthday just the three of you.

Gilld69 · 08/01/2019 17:32

they should pay for themselves unless u arranged it and stated it was your treat . I always pay for myself and hubby . just cancel and book somewhere else why would you pay when its your day ???

JoinedTheDarksideForKylo · 08/01/2019 17:32

Group text: "As you are all more concerned with a free meal than my birthday, I've decided to cancel. Thanks :) x"

Then turn your phone off and have a lovely time with DH.

Usually you all pitch in to cover the birthday girl/boys meal. You're meant to get treated for your birthday not end up out of pocket.

riceuten · 08/01/2019 17:35

Even if you could afford to pay, there's no way this would be right or reasonable

JoinedTheDarksideForKylo · 08/01/2019 17:35

Sorry! Not all the thread had loaded when I commented well done OP

ElvinBoys · 08/01/2019 17:39

YANBU! The way it works in my family/friendship group is that when everyone goes out for a meal to celebrate someone’s birthday each person pays for their own plus a share of whoever’s birthday it is so that they are not paying on their birthday!

Sparkles07 · 08/01/2019 17:41

My parents have always believed if you invite someone out for your birthday, you pay. Even when I tell them about going bowling with friends for my birthday my dad will still ask “you did pay? It’s bad manners to invite someone out and expect them to pay”
My in laws are normal and not only pay for themeselves often offer to cover whole bill when out. (They’re well off and like to spoil us, no complaints here)

PrincessConsuelaBanana · 08/01/2019 17:42

WHAT?!? Who are these people who think that if someone suggests going out for a meal, or invites you for a meal for their birthday, that person should pay for you?! I mean... really??
I’m going out for tea in a couple of hours with 5 friends, should I be expecting the friend who suggested it / invited us out to pay..? If so - result!!!
I love going out for or nice meals and go out every year as part of my birthday celebrations. Never once have I paid for anyone other than myself, or been expected to pay for anyone else. And vice versa. I’m genuinely intrigued to know who these people are who don’t expect to pay for their own food when they go out to eat...?
Back on topic, I’m sorry your family have been so unpleasant about this, I would have reacted exactly the same in your position! I hope you manage to have a lovely birthday with just your immediate family

Carriecakes80 · 08/01/2019 17:44

I'd go, have a great time, enjoy a lovely meal, and then slip out telling the restaurant they are paying for themselves! Bloody nora, they're tighter than a gnats chuff!

You go, enjoy with your family (your kids/partner) and don't feel the teensiest bit guilty that they are all shitebags!

I for one hope you have a really wonderful birthday xxxxxxx

TheCherries · 08/01/2019 17:48

Happy Birthday! Go and have a lovely time just the three of you. If you are close to London there is a fantastic afternoon tea bus that tours round London and you get to see the sights whilst having afternoon tea. It is really fun. You can enjoy an extra special treat for the three of you and enjoy celebrating your special milestone.

There is a reason why at the age of 18 you officially become an adult. It means you can decide what you do and how you live your life and who you include in it.

stellarfox · 08/01/2019 17:51

Well done OP, they are being absolutely ridiculous and should offer to pay for your meal if anything!

NamedyChangedy · 08/01/2019 17:51

What a charming response there from your mother - good riddance. Enjoy your birthday OP!

cherrybath · 08/01/2019 17:53

So sorry to hear your family have been so dreadful about this. When we take our adult children out (celebration or not) we always pay for them. My daughter gave up on a boyfriend recently because for all his family's celebrations his parents chose swanky poncy overpriced restaurants which she would never have visited and then expected them to pay.

Enthymeme · 08/01/2019 17:54

ApolloandDaphne
Likewise, but have hosted usually in my house when it would have been pretty much open house but if in a restaurant it would have been one of my choosing with guests of my choosing only.
However my understanding of your position OP is that your parents suggested going for dinner. In my circle that would have resulted in the bill being split into X-1 shares with the birthday girl/boy being the minus one, treated by all the others who each pay their own share!
Otherwise I would advise that unfortunately I can’t afford it and have to regretfully cancel - and never make the same mistake again.

Dillydallyer · 08/01/2019 17:56

Glad you cancelled, OP. They sound hideous. Maybe it’s just me but even if someone said “Do you want to come out for a meal for my birthday/promotion/other event?” I would always go with the intention of paying for myself. I have never walked into a restaurant intending that someone else pay, even if they invited me. And if someone asked if I wanted to go out for a meal to celebrate my birthday I would still assume I was paying for myself unless they said otherwise.

Bringbackthestripes · 08/01/2019 18:03

DM responded. She told me not to bother putting out a glass for her.

Wow! Awful that they were expecting you to pay for them all in the first place, when the celebratory meal was their suggestion, but that response is shocking and hurtful. What a spiteful woman.

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