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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu thinking my parents should pay

430 replies

PigsInSlankets · 06/01/2019 22:59

For themselves on my birthday? I don't expect them to fork out on my dinner or my dh/dc. But its a 'milestone' birthday and I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for themselves and their families.

Attending are myself, DD, DH.
My DMis bringing 2 DBros and DGM
My DF is bringing DSM, 2DBros and 1DSis.

They suggested going for dinner to celebrate, and now they've both said they're unwilling to pay. It's been booked for months and they've told me they don't want to pay when it's only 2 weeks away.

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/01/2019 15:18

Actually, and even though I think your mother's reply was shocking, cancelling dinner altogether but still inviting for a drink, presumably after 9 (if you have dinner at 6 or 7), is a bit of a slap on the face. Not that they don't deserve it.

I'd have cancelled it completely or invite for a buffet gathering.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 07/01/2019 15:38

Op, your mother was always likely to throw a strop after you didn’t do as she wanted. Make sure that you have a lovely birthday meal without your toxic, grabby family.

Guavaf1sh · 07/01/2019 15:40

Well done you OP!

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 15:44

But I’d just ignore her

Agree, and it's not just when they go low you go high, it's don't open yourself up to a big argument and give her ammunition. Hence just respond no problem and don't engage further,

They have both behaved badly and it was lovely of you to still invite them for drinks and birthday cake to celebrate with you after they way they have behaved. I think you've more than proven you're the bigger person. Just don't know engage further as there will only be more drama. Just dust yourself off and look forward to a lovely evening with your husband and child.

yoyo1234 · 07/01/2019 15:45

Have a lovely meal with your immediate family. Pa10Ma sounds like you need to make sure you only relent to what you feel you can manage ( a lesson I need to learn as well). I think mothers in particular ( from personal experience) can expect the world from their DC (and feel it is owed to them).

yoyo1234 · 07/01/2019 15:48

The worst phrase is "I can say (or ask) this as I'm your mother". Or words to that effect.

Motoko · 07/01/2019 15:50

Sorry to hear you've got crap parents OP. Enjoy a lovely meal with DH and DD. And don't lend your mother any more money.

Pa1oma, your parents are financially and emotionally abusing you. You don't have to allow them to do this, just because they're your parents, or "elders". Put a stop to it now.

Pa10ma · 07/01/2019 16:12

Again, Thankyou. To be honest, it did get to the point where it felt as if whatever we did for them they would use it as an emotional stick to beat us with. It was like a bottomless pit. What is much more worse than expectations about money is emotional blackmail and mind games.

OP, I think your mother’s comment to not leave her a glass out is very petty and a blatant attempt to guilt-trip you. Anyway, I’m sure she’ll end up coming along when she realises everyone else is there and she’s the one missing out. It’s like cutting your nose off to spite your face really, Sorry they are making your birthday into their drama.

Monny1 · 07/01/2019 16:23

I think that your awesome! Have a great birthday!

Jubba · 07/01/2019 16:29

@lifeofsmily

I’m not suggesting everyone do it

I just explained that’s what happens in our FAMILY.

Neverunderfed · 07/01/2019 16:42

If I was going to reply I'd just say "no worries" so she thought I didn't care...and then get on with the business of not caring tbh. As hard as that is. I'm sorry they've been such shits.

otterturk · 07/01/2019 16:44

What a bitchy response OP!!!! You poor thing. YANBU.

MyOtherProfile · 07/01/2019 17:02

So sorry OP. That's horrible.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/01/2019 17:06

OP your Mother has just shown you who she truly is, and what she really thinks of You.

ChakiraChakra · 07/01/2019 17:28

@pigsinslankets I think you handled it really well. I'm sorry your mum has responded like that, it sounds like there is just no talking to her. I hope you have a lovely birthday anyway, with the family that you chose and created for yourself Flowers

@pa10ma I read your posts and I was further and further gobsmacked. I'm glad you were able to share here and be told that is absolutely not normal behaviour from your parents. Flowers

pickingdaisies · 07/01/2019 18:24

OP, you've handled that well, you must feel like screaming. I'd like to think I could be as calm, not sure I could.
Paloma, your parents are abusing you. You need to find a way of limiting their hold over you.

MissingGeorgeMichael · 07/01/2019 19:11

DM responded. She told me not to bother putting out a glass for her.

Your reply should be 'OK DM, thanks for letting me know Xx' and not let them get to you.

Winnie2019 · 07/01/2019 19:16

"If you invite you pay."

Amongst my family and friends this only applies to weddings.

We would never get to do anything otherwise! I can afford £80 for the 4 of us but there is no way I could afford the £500 minimum that it would cost to pay for everyone else!

Honeyroar · 07/01/2019 19:43

You did the right thing and she's being mean. Just go and have a lovely meal. It's your birthday, you've thought of an affordable, fair solution, if anyone wants to be sulky that's their problem.

pantyclaws · 07/01/2019 20:14

Does your DM have form for always putting herself first OP?

EdtheBear · 07/01/2019 20:46

Op well done and so what if your mother cuts of her nose to spite her face.

Pa10ma your parents really do sound abusive. Totally unfair for them to expect you to always pay for them, holidays, meals, pay of their mortgage etc.
It may be they don't have much money but it doesn't really sound like that.

Some of the tales on here are nuts. If you are inviting people along to something /somewhere and expect them to pay their way you have to be crystal clear at the beginning, I fancy going to xxx restraunt for my birthday you are welcome to join me is £x per head.

My family out to dinner would normally mean my parents pay. DH family its pay for them. We don't often go for dinner with them.

PleaseJustSayNo · 07/01/2019 20:58

I'd just say that you weren't planning to, that's why you haven't booked for her lol

7yo7yo · 07/01/2019 22:06

Flowers op. They sound awful. I hope you have a wonderful birthday anyway.
Pa1oma you need to start your own thread. Your parents are horribly abusive and you don’t realise.

Smallhorse · 07/01/2019 22:30

If you invite you pay.
Completely agree .

But in this case OP didn’t invite

StoneofDestiny · 07/01/2019 22:37

Well done op - sorry you have obnoxious parents.