SIL wants all my baby clothes

[Peachesandcream30]

Which would be fine except:

1. we live on a different continent and it costs a bloody fortune to post them (over £50 for a small parcel) and no, she isn't offering payment!

2. her DD is less than 6 months younger than our DD so we would have to send pretty regular parcels to ensure that they actually fit her DD when they arrive... And because they're so close in age, a lot of the clothes we would be sending would still fit our DD too! So we would be sending clothes that our DD could still wear, just for the sake of sending something, iyswim.

3. She got upset because DH mentioned on a video call that I had to bin a dress of DDs because of poop explosion when poorly which had rendered the dress unwearable (had tried to wash it but still came out stained and gross) - SIL insisted that next time this happens we must sent soiled items to her? Which I'm not at all comfortable with - it seems really weird and disgusting to send filthy stained clothes back for her DD? And an absolute waste of money? I'm not a wasteful person but there are some times where baby clothes just need to be binned , as I'm sure you all know!

4. I'd kept some of DDs very special outfits like the outfit we took her home from hospital in, her 1st birthday outfit, her outfit from our wedding, and a couple of bits bought my family members which we have such happy memories of her wearing and thought it would be lovely to keep, just to look at in the future, or show her - although if I'm being honest they're basically just for me to cry into in 20 years when I'm sobbing on the sofa with a glass of wine because she's moved out for the first time to go to uni or something !). But SIL is really upset about this and says we should send all these to her DD.

I've already explained to her about a million times that it's not really practical to send the clothes and that we would be having to get rid of stuff we would still be using or want to keep which we don't have the cash to do. For the record, she is married and she and her DH are much more well off than we are. She adores DD and this is why she wants her clothes - because she loves the idea of her DD wearing our DDs stuff. Which is sweet but a bit unnecessary. She has a huge family on both ours and her DHs side with lots of other children and babies so it's not like DD is the only baby she has contact with - I suppose I just don't really understand or appreciate why it's so important to her and why she thinks that her desires for her DD to wear my DDs clothes trump our lack of money to post them or the fact that we still want most of the clothes!

DH is a bit frustrated too but thinks she's just being sweet. But I'm just getting a bit bored of having this conversation with her, and I'm starting to wonder if I am being unreasonable?

Just dont send them and say you can have them if you pay for postage.... and change the subject don't talk about clothes

YANBU, she’s being a pain and rude to keep asking when you’ve said no. If you’re happy with it, tell her that if you receive payment for postage in advance you can send some bits and pieces that you don’t want to keep (but only if you can be bothered).

Don’t keep having the conversation with her, just don’t send them. Whenever she mentions it, just cut her off.

Can you send her a piece every now and then? Like once a month maybe with a photo of your dd wearing it? Sounds like she wants to foster a close relationship between the girls and doesn't know how with the distance and this is her way of trying to do it.

She's being a bit weird. Offer that when she visits you'll give her any clothes your DD has grown out of that fit her DD. Regarding special clothes you're keeping, just don't tell her or be clear "no, these are important keepsakes".

No, you’re not.

In fact I’ve just realised that I have a niece overseas who’s 5 months older than my DD.

It had never occurred to me to expect any of her clothes for all the reasons you mention above.

It’s not actually sweet of her, it’s batshit

Wow how entitled. They are your clothes and she has no claim on them, but she's acting like the clothes belong to her.
I would tell her that this makes no sense financially and is a hassle, and I will send a few special outfits over, but that's it.

Also can you set up a regular video call between the girls, like a playdate? That might satisfy her need to bring them together.

She’s asking for clothes that your DD still wears? This really is one of those times when ‘no’ is a complete sentance

When she’s tells you again simply say we’ve discussed this before, I’m not doing it again.

It is not sweet, it’s weird.

So we would be sending clothes that our DD could still wear, just for the sake of sending something

So basically she wants you to buy her DDs clothes and send her essentially massively expensive gifts at regular intervals.

That's bloody rude, tell her no, especially as your DD wouldn't have outgrown them soon enough! My mil tried this with us and sil, sil was unexpectedly pregnant just after DD was born and whereas sil was grateful for anything, mil wanted us to give everything to sil. It took my sister telling mil to back off before she stopped going on about it but she still brought it up repeatedly (until sil sadly miscarried).
Mil has a stash of dds old clothes at her house now "for the next grandchild", I'm 6 months pregnant and she's yet to give them back I'm not too fussed as I never have her anything we couldn't replace but it's a bit petty on her behalf!

Say you’re thinking about Baby No 2 and ask her to ship over the more neutral stuff that you “lent” her. Imply that you’ll want a lot of the clothes that you’ve already sent back.

She’ll soon realise what a hassle it is sorting, washing, packing and paying for postage it is, and maybe pipe down with the demands in order to save herself the inconvenience of sending everything back.

Blackcat has it. "It's been discussed and I will not be doing this." and shut it down every single time.

She's not being sweet, she's being demanding and bossy.

My brother has a dd 7 months younger and abroad. they have never asked for anything. Mum took over some toys mine had outgrown of and of course sent over a bunch of things that would fit... however their dd is now about the same size as my dd so I wouldn't be able pass anything on. (May end up being the other way around!)

She is nuts. Just tell her that yours is still wearing the clothes and you need them so can't say anything.

Perhaps if you were being kind if there was something you got which was a bit cheaper then you could buy 2 and send them 1?

Does she not have the money to buy the clothes herself? If she does, then she's just a weirdo.

You can always send her one package with crap you don't want (we got gifted a lot of stuff i just didn't want DD in, I donated it to the nursery Xmas appeal but in this situation I would send to her). When she asks for more, tell her what shipping came to and see if she keeps asking.

She's not sweet if she's not even offering postage costs.

Get H to tell his sis that dd is small for her age so often wears clothes 1 year smaller than her size and that you also don't have spare cash to send on postage.

Nothing wrong what so ever with keeping sentimental bits and pieces. She's just going to have to deal with that. Dont even tell her you've kept them. Just send whatever is convenient for you to send.

If you are happy to send old things otherwise then do so every now and then. But she can't expect regular packages firstly because of the age gap secondly because its so costly, if they still fit your DD then she's going to just have to deal with that too.

I'd send the occasional package every few months if I had anything that she had grown out of. But if there isn't anything then... Tough. She shouldn't just be relying on hand me downs. You definitely aren't BU.

Tell her no! To all of it. Even without paying for the postage. She's not even making a request, it's like she's entitled to them! No, no - NO!!

As for your babies special outfits, NEVER!!! That bottle of wine won't drink itself 20 years from now while you sob into her babygro! Keep them all and ones that you wish to, donate to a more worthy local cause,.

Just say you are keeping them incase you have more children.

She’s barking mad

I have a nephew in NZ and would love to give him my son’s hand me downs, but the exorbitant cost of postage means it’s impossible. You don’t need to give her any other excuse than that.

If SHE’S willing to cough up for shipping, then that’s a different matter.

DH can deal

Next time there's a poonami situation, send her the piece of clothing without even washing it first. Maybe that'll change her mind.

It's not sweet. It's rude and entitled. Stop speaking to her about it. If she mentions it say you've already said no and change the subject.

It won't soon enough anyway as your daughter won't have outgrown them in time.