To request 'house keeping' from partner

[Talula1993]

Sorry if people find the term house keeping offensive, just not sure how else to phrase it !

Firstly I'd like to add I know I'm not hard done by, we have a very good quality of life and money for people our age (25) and I'm very grateful, I'm just wanting opinions on what is fair between me and my boyfriend.

I know questions like this usually result in people saying "as long as you are both happy / feel it's right etc yada yada it's right", however I genuinely can't work out if I should feel under valued or if I'm getting my fair entitlement.

Me and my partner have just bought a house, we have worked out how much all our monthly expenditure is including mortgage, bills, dog care and walkers, joint spending money (cinema, meals out etc) insurance, savings, food and a few other things. And then worked out what % of our joint income this is, and transferring that % from our wages into a joint account and what remaining is individual 'spending money' for hobbies and frivoulous things.

We both do over time but this goes towards holidays and presents/christmas.

So my partners spending money after his personal bills (car, phone etc) is 850.

My personal spending after credit card and travel is about 220. My cards should be paid off by august. So will likely be 400ish then.

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends. I also always do all evening meals as he is exceptionally incompetent in the kitchen. - my job is also very stressful and I dont get any enjoyment from it, but theres nothing else I can do which is as near by and pays aswell, all other jobs i could do would only pay an extra 2k for full time and likely cancelled out by travel so not worth it, my partner loves his job though.

I believe that my partner should be entitled to more as he is working harder, I don't believe house work is comparable to a full day of work, so I'm not suggesting equal spends. But should I get a small amount extra spending money to compensate for doing all house work?

We don't like the joint pot idea just yet, both in agreement that we want to have our own money for frivolous things and some independence, when we marry/ have kids that'll change.

He won't spend 800 a month, and I know 250 isn't a tiny amount but I spend about 70 every 4/5 weeks to travel to see my family, so that's 180, which is 45 a week, but I like my hair, make up clothes and nights out etc, my boyfriend doesn't really spend on any of that , he maybe buys a new game and a few comics a month and then goes out for a few drinks once a week. He says he doesn't spend over 250 usually. And ultimately his savings will benefit me as it's going towards starting a business for us (which is what my course is towards)

When my cards are paid off in summer I feel 400 is plenty, but till then 220 just seems very low comparatively to his 800.

Is it unreasonable for me to suggest a token gesture amount per month for doing all house work, maybe £50? or since he is already paying a larger chunk of bills should I should just be grateful and keep quiet?

Thanks

if we break up in 5 years time ill have hopefully qualified as a therapist and be working full time then

That’s well and good, but what if you break up in 5 months’ time having bought a house that does not have equity built up yet? You’ll be trying to pay half a mortgage, your training fees, living costs, etc on £20k a year. It’s not a lot of money and won’t go far.

The fact that you haven’t considered pensions or mortgage shows you’re not as informed as you think you are. It’s great to have a plan for when everything goes well, but you need to plan for worst case scenarios too and make sure you’re 100% protected.

I think the problem is you’ve got quite different attitudes to money. Yes he has 800 a month but he isn’t spending that on himself he is saving it for a future you will probably share whereas you want 400 to blow on clothes, hair, makeup and going out.
£220 to spend just on treats (not including dinners out and trips to the cinema) is plenty.
I think it would different if he was funding a lavish lifestyle for himself but leaving you out but this isn’t what is happening.
Maybe there is a compromise where you can have your own savings too so your future is protected as well but you don’t need more spends that’s just wasteful.

LipstickHandbagCoffee

Thank you.

I dont know if he is lazy as such. In the flat we rent he does his fair share, we just hypothesised that if im at home more i should take more housework. But we dont move for another couple of weeks so are still discussing what is right/what is wrong.

I will suggests he learns to cook, or we cook together.

He could pay off your card in two months, if he wanted to. It might be a nice reward for you giving up working full time to be his maid.

gamerwidow

Yeah i agree he is putting his money to good use. I would also not spend 400 a month, i think my comfortable spends are about 300, maybe less...i think its more the freedom to spend is what im thinking about, as opposed to what i actually will spend

Sorry Op I think all of this is a bit weird.

Also,look carefully at the career routes as a therapist,most are in private practice
In salaried posts There will be CBT therapists and IAPT and limited family therapy type posts
Do look into all of this,as your current role is NHS and I imaging bulk of your experience is acute admission. Therapist roles may be more a private caseload and GP or employer referrals. Different profile of clients

WontonSoupForTheSoul

Isnt there an element of risks with anything though? If we were to split up in 5 months i would likely leave the house as i would want to move back to the part of the country im from. But if for some reason it had to be other way then i would go full time, be skint but would survive till its sold ? You could use the same argument on someone on a full time low salary ?

And i dont get the pension thing. Im paying the same ammount into it now as when i was full time as im on the same salary !

thanks we havent actually factored in wills so will do this

Please do, it doesn’t take long and isn’t very expensive but the risk of buying a house without one when you aren’t married isn’t worth taking.

You should also have life insurance that will pay off the mortgage if one of you dies. Again not that expensive but vital.

LipstickHandbagCoffee thanks im not rushing into anything as im still weighing everything out.

I left nhs 3 months ago, im private now, although still do occasional nhs bank shifts

If we were to split up in 5 months i would likely leave the house as i would want to move back to the part of the country im from

Are you saving money that’s solely for your own access? If this scanario did happen, can you afford mortgage and rent?

What way is the contract for the house purchase arranged? Are you tenants in common? Did you put equal deposits in?

OP is the one that wants to give up work. Hes working full time now and happy to share chores.

It does seem a bit silly to getting a dog in these circumstances. Especially as part of the reason you’ve reduced your hours is to look after it ...

Yes but if you are being fair about time, he should be fair about money.
You should be able to save too. I think another £50 a week for you is fair. Cleaners, dog walkers etc get £15 an hour.

Don’t share monies,you’re an adult you don’t need an allowance from a boyfriend
Although on mn a shared joint account is considered the holy grail of relationships

WontonSoupForTheSoul

Tennents in common. He put in most deposit, so we are doing a 60/40% ownership. This including the shares of a joint savings account. My protection will be in my share of house and savings. If i had to fend for myself i would either do over time or go full time till i have sorted our lives out. In terms of the course it would unfortunately have to be put on hold till i got back on my own two feet.

Honestly im not worried, I moved to the other side of the country on my own rented a flat for 2 and a half years on my own till my partner moved in, saved for travelling and was perfectly comfortable and independent on 21k, im sure i can do it again (hopefully wont have to)

gamerwidow im not going part time for a dog it just works out nicely

Infact i funded my partner for a year while he was a student, forgot about that

And will he extend financial reprocicity, will he fully fund your career for a year

Did your mortgage provider not insist on wills being in place before you could draw down the funds?

As tenants in common, if he was to die without a will, his share would pass to his next of kin. Assuming that’s one of his parents, they would then own 60% of your house.

OP- Im in a similar situation and think many are!

26- work about 25-30 hours per week around strudying (earn well but not over 30K) - DP is 30 and earns ALOT more than me!

WE made the decision for me to stop working full time and OUR lives are much nicer for it!

Don’t ask him to pay you to look after the house!!! You’re not his employee or housekeeper and don’t want ‘that’ to become the mentality!

If you’re a TEAM, by which I mean- sharing responsibilities and making joint financial decisions- then it’s deplorable that he does better out of it than you 😡

We took the total amount and worked it out on a percentage field -

DP now pays 75% of the bills whilst I pay 25% and we both come out with healthy amounts.

I mean - we don’t really separate our money and most months we’ll both just move all we have into a joint spending account and live out of that- usually has a few K in there so never run out!

But if I wanted to just keep my own money each month DP wouldn’t be doing massively better than me- a bit but not much!

I don't understand why you'd voluntarily do someone else's housework for them, for no return. If you're married or have kids, it can make sense for one partner to do more housework because it frees the other up to earn more... which normally becomes joint money. Yours isn't.

You've gone PT in order to retrain. And you've arranged your life so you still have time to do your share of the chores and have time to relax. This means you have a lower wage at present, but cover all your obligations.

Your OH has chosen to work long hours 6 days a week, and gets paid accordingly. But he hasn't factored in his share of the chores.

His solution seems to be that you'll do it for him, but I don't think that's acceptable. You being on a low wage (with more spare time) would be facilitating him earning a larger wage. He has other options - he could outsource it (possibly to you if he pays you??), or he could reduce his hours at work and do it himself, which would mean a paycut. Which he doesn't want to do. But he's essentially ignoring the boring grunt work because he wants to do the shiny, well-paid stuff.

Please don't just take over that chore burden for no reason. It's clear on MN that housework often becomes invisible to men in a relationship and they assume the woman will do it. In 5 years' time it will be so ingrained that it's 'your job' that he'll resent having to start doing any of it again, and you'll be so much better/faster/more efficient than him at doing it that you might as well continue. Or he won't do it the way you've got used to.Or he'll promise to do it and never quite get around to it. Or he earns twice as much as you, so he doesn't think he should have to. Or he'll 'help out' if you 'just tell him what needs to be done'. (All scenarios from MN threads.)

And believe me when I say the amount of work more than doubles when you have kids.

WontonSoupForTheSoul

Im next of kin. We have a meeting with our broker this week, he has pointed in all directions for insurance, contracts has yet to mention wills

These years when you are young and don't yet have DC are vital for your future
Don't fritter them away

• this is the time to maximise hours working, studying and building up your pension - these early contributions count the most because they will be earning interest until you retire

• the time to build up personal savings too, in case of breakup, unexpected pregnancy, illness, redundancy etc^
  You should have lower outgoings now than you will have later, so make the most of it.

imo do NOT go pt until you have paid off all your debt
Even afterwards, really odd to go pt to do housework for a bloke, when you've no kids

Later, if you stay together and have DC, you might want to go pt for the early years,
but that needs to be by mutual agreement and hence you should then have equal spends

atm, you obviously aren't earning the equal spends

• is his suggestion of housework just accepting a fait accompli, that you want to be pt, or was it his idea so he can have an easier life ?

I get what you are saying you have put to much info in your post.You pay out goings by percentage of earnings so all fair there .What you are saying is you want him to pay you for doing his half of the housework .As for free cash to spend as other people have said you want more you have to work more .