To request 'house keeping' from partner

[Talula1993]

Sorry if people find the term house keeping offensive, just not sure how else to phrase it !

Firstly I'd like to add I know I'm not hard done by, we have a very good quality of life and money for people our age (25) and I'm very grateful, I'm just wanting opinions on what is fair between me and my boyfriend.

I know questions like this usually result in people saying "as long as you are both happy / feel it's right etc yada yada it's right", however I genuinely can't work out if I should feel under valued or if I'm getting my fair entitlement.

Me and my partner have just bought a house, we have worked out how much all our monthly expenditure is including mortgage, bills, dog care and walkers, joint spending money (cinema, meals out etc) insurance, savings, food and a few other things. And then worked out what % of our joint income this is, and transferring that % from our wages into a joint account and what remaining is individual 'spending money' for hobbies and frivoulous things.

We both do over time but this goes towards holidays and presents/christmas.

So my partners spending money after his personal bills (car, phone etc) is 850.

My personal spending after credit card and travel is about 220. My cards should be paid off by august. So will likely be 400ish then.

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends. I also always do all evening meals as he is exceptionally incompetent in the kitchen. - my job is also very stressful and I dont get any enjoyment from it, but theres nothing else I can do which is as near by and pays aswell, all other jobs i could do would only pay an extra 2k for full time and likely cancelled out by travel so not worth it, my partner loves his job though.

I believe that my partner should be entitled to more as he is working harder, I don't believe house work is comparable to a full day of work, so I'm not suggesting equal spends. But should I get a small amount extra spending money to compensate for doing all house work?

We don't like the joint pot idea just yet, both in agreement that we want to have our own money for frivolous things and some independence, when we marry/ have kids that'll change.

He won't spend 800 a month, and I know 250 isn't a tiny amount but I spend about 70 every 4/5 weeks to travel to see my family, so that's 180, which is 45 a week, but I like my hair, make up clothes and nights out etc, my boyfriend doesn't really spend on any of that , he maybe buys a new game and a few comics a month and then goes out for a few drinks once a week. He says he doesn't spend over 250 usually. And ultimately his savings will benefit me as it's going towards starting a business for us (which is what my course is towards)

When my cards are paid off in summer I feel 400 is plenty, but till then 220 just seems very low comparatively to his 800.

Is it unreasonable for me to suggest a token gesture amount per month for doing all house work, maybe £50? or since he is already paying a larger chunk of bills should I should just be grateful and keep quiet?

Thanks

The OP funded her DP for a year whilst he studied. Everyone seems to be ignoring this point.

Her funding him It was raised,and im suggesting she seek full reprocicity

Can you fit all housework into your 2 days off as well as study? I would suggest you both pay for a cleaner.

On mn to be unmarried is considered an unstable relationship. Best line I ever read here was something about giving away the milk for free and no man would ever marry that. It gets all he should put a ring on you, and you must take his name or else youre not one family if there’s two surnames (another mn nugget)

Haha, that is a typical response on here about marriage 😂 I think that’s become my favourite line on here too

OP There is no judgement
You asked for opinions ,suggestions and your getting them.
Do what you want to do you know best.

To me working three days a weekand retraining the rest of the time is equivalent to a full time job. On this basis I would split the housework and cooking equally.

Can you fit all housework into your 2 days off as well as study? I would suggest you both pay for a cleaner.

I thik 2 adults can manage to clean a house when it's just the 2 of them, another MN answer to everything. Not once did the OP say she would struggle with house work! Perhaps they could both just pitch in with cleaning when they are at home and on, you know, those other 2 days a week when they are off.

Anyat212,yes giving away the milk and no man would marry that that was mn gold
Still laugh when I think about it.

I think asking him for essentially pocket money to clean the house sounds really odd, and creates a weird power dynamic. It's almost like he's your boss then. What happens when he thinks you aren't cleaning enough, or you're busy one day so ask him to whip the Hoover round...? will he refuse, or dock your "wages". I think it would leave you in an uncomfortable position, make him lazy (a trait you don't want to start if you envisage having kids in the future) He's not going to suddenly be Mr helpful in 5 years time when a baby comes along, if you've tidied up after him for half a decade, that's just conditioning him to be a complete entitled nightmare to live with. Why not just say "at the moment, because you earn such a substantially larger wage than me, I think it's fairer if we split all the bills/mortgage, but you pick up the bill for the council tax". That way you're not selling yourself into being his cleaning slave, and it still seems fair as everything is split evenly apart from one bill.

The thing is OP we’re not being judgmental for the sake of it, the truth is many and I include myself in the many, have naively slept walked into very vulnerable financial and domestic positions.

Your future business sounds like a dream rather than a plan because you don’t have one. You say your bf could spend all his disposable income but chooses to save, likewise, you could save some of your disposable income but choose not to. Your bf could say his contribution is saving for your joint business and yours is domestic drudgery.

The greater problem here is that you don’t sound particularly money savvy and in the absence of a plan what you’re currently doing is a hobby. Given that your bf is saving whilst you’re servicing debt and you obviously haven’t spoken with your bf in any depth about this future business, doesn’t scream joint future financial success.

You’re hoping to be a therapist, is this part of the joint business or is this in addition to? What are you saving to contribute to this future business?

Nail,firmly hit on head
Yes it’s funny dynamic to ask as an adult for money,creates power imbalance
And as everyone has said he needs to develop good habits and pronto
He must be able to lean 3-4 key dishes and do his laundry

I agree, but I don't think anyone buys a house together if they haven't made a commitment and don't see themselves as life partners, marriage I don't see as relevant.

Really? I knew loads of people who bought houses with BF or GF but not necessarily life partners in the 80s, 90s and later. Sometimes the two people weren't even in a relationship and were just friends.

I don't really have much advice here but our situations are very similar!
Me and my OH are both 25 aswell, have lived together for 4 years and are getting married in June 😊 have 2 dogs together and hopefully children soon.

My OH has a very good job and works so many hours (out the house 12-14 hours a day) commutes 1.5 hours each way. He easily has 1.5-2k spare a month after his bills.

I however work 30 hours a week only afternoons as we decided I would stay at home in the mornings to clean the house, walk the dogs, accept food shopping etc. I am very happy with this and after all my bills I have about £350 to myself which is fine by me 😊

My OH does spend a lot of his spare money on me, buys me shoes if he gets himself a pair, takes me shopping, out for dinner.

However if we run out of coffee, milk, dog food whichever one of us is out will just pick it up! It's 'our' money instead of mine and his really.

We just do what suites us and works for us!

Im not in masses of debt its £800 and its not a 'dream' we plan to buy a business of a family member. And theres a high probabilty it will be acheived. And to be honest even if doesnt i dont think i will struggle to find employment with 6 years mental health experience and a masters. But this is beside the point anyway. Whether things go to plan or not is neither here nor there I have an ambition im working towards, it may fail it may not. Im not asking advice on how to run my life i was asking for advice on whether i deserve a bit of money to compensate taking the higher brunt of chores. Im very secure in my choices

Lozzy25

Im glad you are happy with the arrangement. Just goes to show there isnt a set rule on how to manage your life! There are other ways to live than 9-5 from 18 to retirement.

Ok,he should do his own chores or send out his laundry
you shouldn’t be picking up the slack and needing some extra dough to do it

As an adult man he fundamentally must learn basics
1.Cook a few key meals

1. Know how to work Wmch and put on a coloureds and whites wash

It simply isn’t your responsibility to probem solve this for him,and it doesn’t need money chucked at it. He needs to learn and maintain points 1 and 2

You are making domestic tasks women’s work,this May or may not be intentional but it’s what your doing

You’re academic or work ability isn’t in question,you’re A professional woman
Keep your reg,keep your hand in even after you have kids and good luck

Don’t sleep walk into domestic drudgery

To talula and lozzy why is it always women giving things up for men?
It’s hardly never men giving up things,changing hours for their women
Can’t you see the gender issue,the imbalance

Lozzy why do you need to be at home to accept morning deliveries? Surely online there’s a myriad of delivery options

This is all v well and good when it’s going swimmingly
Fast forward,will you always be so glad you stepped down.leaving male partners unencumbered in their FT jobs

@LipstickHandbagCoffee

I do 80% of cleaning, cooking, taking care of the dogs but my OH definitely does some of this aswell! I am 100% happy with the way we do things 😊 the type of work I do isn't very well paid (Even though I love my job) but it wouldn't be an option for my OH to give up or do less as I couldn't support us financially. When we have children I will give up work completely until they go to school, we have discussed this and my OH has made sure it's what I want and I am happy. If I wanted to work full time or work when we have children he would be 100% supportive of this.

As for the shopping in the mornings, yes they do deliver until 11pm but it's 7pm by the time I am home and me and OH don't feel like accepting and putting away shopping at that time. If I'm around in the AM it's easier for it to be delivered then 😊

I don't feel like I've given anything up! I feel that looking after my OH and family is what I've always wanted to do.

And then they have an affair with someone at work and leave twenty.years later for someone twenty years younger

Never ever give up financial independence

Lozzy,you said you’ll give up work when you have kids. You have reduced working hours
That’s 2 clear cut demonstrable examples of giving things up,accommodating men
It’s a gender dynamic enacted countless times,it’s all over mn

My observation is,it is generally the women who give up or reduce paid employment to undertake domestic tasks

It’s always the women’s salary that is taken into account when it comes to childcare
Never the mans

OP - when you funded your DH through a year's study, did he do all the housework?

It’s such an old-fashioned set up for a young person.

Talula will he reciprocate this year you fully funded him?

Figure out how many hours a cleaner would take to do housework, split that cost in half, yoy do tbe cleaning and he pays his half of that cost to you.