To request 'house keeping' from partner

[Talula1993]

Sorry if people find the term house keeping offensive, just not sure how else to phrase it !

Firstly I'd like to add I know I'm not hard done by, we have a very good quality of life and money for people our age (25) and I'm very grateful, I'm just wanting opinions on what is fair between me and my boyfriend.

I know questions like this usually result in people saying "as long as you are both happy / feel it's right etc yada yada it's right", however I genuinely can't work out if I should feel under valued or if I'm getting my fair entitlement.

Me and my partner have just bought a house, we have worked out how much all our monthly expenditure is including mortgage, bills, dog care and walkers, joint spending money (cinema, meals out etc) insurance, savings, food and a few other things. And then worked out what % of our joint income this is, and transferring that % from our wages into a joint account and what remaining is individual 'spending money' for hobbies and frivoulous things.

We both do over time but this goes towards holidays and presents/christmas.

So my partners spending money after his personal bills (car, phone etc) is 850.

My personal spending after credit card and travel is about 220. My cards should be paid off by august. So will likely be 400ish then.

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends. I also always do all evening meals as he is exceptionally incompetent in the kitchen. - my job is also very stressful and I dont get any enjoyment from it, but theres nothing else I can do which is as near by and pays aswell, all other jobs i could do would only pay an extra 2k for full time and likely cancelled out by travel so not worth it, my partner loves his job though.

I believe that my partner should be entitled to more as he is working harder, I don't believe house work is comparable to a full day of work, so I'm not suggesting equal spends. But should I get a small amount extra spending money to compensate for doing all house work?

We don't like the joint pot idea just yet, both in agreement that we want to have our own money for frivolous things and some independence, when we marry/ have kids that'll change.

He won't spend 800 a month, and I know 250 isn't a tiny amount but I spend about 70 every 4/5 weeks to travel to see my family, so that's 180, which is 45 a week, but I like my hair, make up clothes and nights out etc, my boyfriend doesn't really spend on any of that , he maybe buys a new game and a few comics a month and then goes out for a few drinks once a week. He says he doesn't spend over 250 usually. And ultimately his savings will benefit me as it's going towards starting a business for us (which is what my course is towards)

When my cards are paid off in summer I feel 400 is plenty, but till then 220 just seems very low comparatively to his 800.

Is it unreasonable for me to suggest a token gesture amount per month for doing all house work, maybe £50? or since he is already paying a larger chunk of bills should I should just be grateful and keep quiet?

Thanks

LannieDuck

In all honestly i dont remember. I dont remember feeling disgruntled he wasnt doing his fair share, so think it was equal.

You are right, it is mostly women who make those career sacrifices! I don't know why but it is. I think as long as it's what the woman wants then it's okay. I don't think there's anything wrong with the man reducing his hours or staying at home with the children if that's what suites people best 😊

I think in most cases women want to be the ones to stay at home more, whether that's because they are a woman and are made like that or because that's what society has drilled into them I don't know 🤷‍♀️

I funded rent and bills, he had student loan and saturday shifts for spends.

I all for femism, equal opportunities etc. But im also for doing what makes you happy and having choices

OP, I’m trying to think back to what happened money-wise when I moved in with DH. He was a much higher earner than me (about 20x) and it was his apartment, but I never remember feeling like a “poor relation”. We got engaged a few weeks before I moved in and then just acted as if everything was joint. We stayed in that apartment a few years and our money just kind of merged and then the next place we bought was in joint names.

What is your DP like generally - I mean would he pay for a holiday for you if you couldn’t afford it on your salary? Or would he buy you a car or something if necessary. Moving in together is a big deal and if he’s serious about your future together, he shouldn’t expect you to live according to a different income bracket to him, surely? I don’t think you should ask him for “housekeeping” no. What would you use this for? Surely if you need something or are struggling financially, he would sort you out without you having to ask him?

I would suggest asking for the money to visit your family at least but really sharing money is the way forward, that said it sounds like he is saving the bulk of his excess money to benefit you both whilst you are mentioning things to spend it on!

So if you funded him for a year by paying rent/bills to enable him to study can he now not do the same? You pay a lesser % over the course of the next year? As you now have a joint mortgage was the deposit equally split or did he pay the higher %? I would be wary of suggesting he gives you money for you taking over all cleaning/cooking, you're partners not a skivvy.

Pa10ma

Yeah he is fair. I mean we put money in joint account for joint activities. But if that ran out he would pay for a meal, or a holiday planned he would contribute more.

FlyingMonkeys he paid higher % but thats reflected in share of house.

So he's not financially made up his shortfall of the year he lived rent/bill via the deposit then. I'd work out how much that came to and ask for the £800 to clear your debt so it raises your disposable income to the £400, and stops you paying interest rates (if you have them). Then work out which bills he can pay whilst you study to make it more equal. Dependant on your outgoings at the point you were paying that could tot up to 3-5k ish? So I would say it seems unfair that you don't see anything back from that time now tbh.

This is so odd. If he’s paying more of the bills, and you’ve chosen to work part time at a time in your life when you could be working full time to save as much as possible before you decide to start a family (presuming you do), but you want some housekeeping money. Work more while you can with no other responsibilities.

Talula you enabled and funded his career progression to complete the course
He now need to reciprocate,in order for you to have career progression

Talula feminism isn’t your enemy here, but complacency or not considering other factors is. Sleepwalking into doing the chores, the cooking is
No woman on this thread is curtailing your choice,we are asking you to consider points raised
You are of course at Liberty to think,thanks for that input And remain unswayed

Yiur + are you’re a well qualified professional
Maintain your reg and CPD,don’t let them lapse

I dont remember feeling disgruntled he wasnt doing his fair share, so think it was equal.

It probably felt equal because you were both doing your fair share. Which is all we're suggesting he continues to do while you study.

He sound like a good guy. We're all reacting badly because this unequal housework is a theme that plays out time after time on MN, and there's hope to catch the two of you before you fall into it :)

I'd say, without kids yabu. You've got cards, implies your not the most sensible with money. It seems like a very fair deal you've got, me and my partner now pay 50/50 for the bills. I earn more but a lot on overtime which varies month to month so it's difficult to calculate %. He's saving money for your future, you understand you get a reasonable amount spending money.

You've got cards, implies your not the most sensible with money.

Having a credit card doesn't imply someone is not sensible with money at all.

I think it’s all well and good to say it’s a choice etc but it’s a choice that is leaving you vulnerable while letting him off with an awful lot.

I see a lot of young women making these ‘choices’ then regretting them later.

Put yourself first, because God knows he isnt.

Having a credit card doesn't imply someone is not sensible with money at all.hmm

Having outstanding debt on credit cards does imply a lack of financial sense.

@ollyB

Yes - it does! However, having credit cards consistently paid off in full every month evidences a far higher level of financial responsibility than simply not having them!

CC’s afford a great deal of protection.

Look op, you don't need permission. If you want to work part time and have your partner pay you to be the cleaner, then do so,

I said im going to take a slight higher ammount of chores but not all. Especially if hes doing a 6 day a week.

I also stand by not being vulnerable. I still have an alright income part time.

Also, I dont like the degrading outlook on cleaners, people who do this are helpful, neccessary members of society

talula

No one is looking down on cleaners ffs.

If you think you’re in the right, why did you even ask?

Because you have a niggle that this is not really right.

I asked if it was fair to ask for some financial compensation for me to take up the brunt of housework, which would mean me putting less money into the joint pot to keep more for me, which I openly said I cant work out if its spoilt or unreasonable, to which I was perfectly accepting of people who told me it was unreasonable, and offered sound advice for not letting him get away with doing nothing. That im fine with and have taken it on board.

What I didnt ask for is the judgement on a 25 year old going part time, when to me its a very wise choice to go part time when you get decent money for a job, but you dislike it and has 0 progression, to use the part time wage and free time to both retrain and have a better quality of life in the mean time ! ...And even if I didnt have a career incentive, going part time for quality of life purposes is enough justification.

Im also not bad with money. Im only £800 in debt, granted to have any debt is bad i guess, but 800 isnt massive.

Is it judgement? I feel like that word gets thrown around very lightly by people who don’t like being told the truth.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis.

Yes, in my eyes comments saying im a fool, saying i hope my daughters dont turn out like you, lazy, and "get some self respect" etc. Are judgemental to me, if I wasnt so proud of myself on how much I have helped and saved people in my career I might actually take them to heart!

Saying something is unreasonable, that in my opinion you are being unfair or that I should see things from other perspectives is helpful constructive feedback. Big difference.

Well it sounds like you are taking it to heart.

People get pissed off when they see people younger than them pissing their lives away on men. I know I do.

But you’re young. Make your mistakes. You’ll come to regret this, as most of us do.

Financial stability is not worth any man, especially one who isn’t interested in equality.

£800 you could clear that easily some long days,work sat & sun. So why don’t you. Get yourself debt free
Thing about asking for an opinion is it has an ouch factor,as you’ve experienced
Refreshing thing is folk will be searingly honest,much more than RL friends,family
In rl because of friendship,manners,unwilling to upset you people will be more circumspect

FWIW I think you are being daft and sleepwalking into taking on bulk of domestic chores,setting a precedent in relationship. The power dynamic will favour him,as he literally gives out the cash for the chores you undertake

Feel free disregard what I’m saying it is of course only the opinion of a stranger.