To request 'house keeping' from partner

[Talula1993]

Sorry if people find the term house keeping offensive, just not sure how else to phrase it !

Firstly I'd like to add I know I'm not hard done by, we have a very good quality of life and money for people our age (25) and I'm very grateful, I'm just wanting opinions on what is fair between me and my boyfriend.

I know questions like this usually result in people saying "as long as you are both happy / feel it's right etc yada yada it's right", however I genuinely can't work out if I should feel under valued or if I'm getting my fair entitlement.

Me and my partner have just bought a house, we have worked out how much all our monthly expenditure is including mortgage, bills, dog care and walkers, joint spending money (cinema, meals out etc) insurance, savings, food and a few other things. And then worked out what % of our joint income this is, and transferring that % from our wages into a joint account and what remaining is individual 'spending money' for hobbies and frivoulous things.

We both do over time but this goes towards holidays and presents/christmas.

So my partners spending money after his personal bills (car, phone etc) is 850.

My personal spending after credit card and travel is about 220. My cards should be paid off by august. So will likely be 400ish then.

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends. I also always do all evening meals as he is exceptionally incompetent in the kitchen. - my job is also very stressful and I dont get any enjoyment from it, but theres nothing else I can do which is as near by and pays aswell, all other jobs i could do would only pay an extra 2k for full time and likely cancelled out by travel so not worth it, my partner loves his job though.

I believe that my partner should be entitled to more as he is working harder, I don't believe house work is comparable to a full day of work, so I'm not suggesting equal spends. But should I get a small amount extra spending money to compensate for doing all house work?

We don't like the joint pot idea just yet, both in agreement that we want to have our own money for frivolous things and some independence, when we marry/ have kids that'll change.

He won't spend 800 a month, and I know 250 isn't a tiny amount but I spend about 70 every 4/5 weeks to travel to see my family, so that's 180, which is 45 a week, but I like my hair, make up clothes and nights out etc, my boyfriend doesn't really spend on any of that , he maybe buys a new game and a few comics a month and then goes out for a few drinks once a week. He says he doesn't spend over 250 usually. And ultimately his savings will benefit me as it's going towards starting a business for us (which is what my course is towards)

When my cards are paid off in summer I feel 400 is plenty, but till then 220 just seems very low comparatively to his 800.

Is it unreasonable for me to suggest a token gesture amount per month for doing all house work, maybe £50? or since he is already paying a larger chunk of bills should I should just be grateful and keep quiet?

Thanks

God there's so much judgement from woman to women for things like this, its sickening. OP doesn't like her job and couldn't cope with the pressure of being full time so is training for what I presume is something else. Haven't rtft because it was just the same crap over and over again tbh.

OP if your arrangement suits you and is working, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be part time and taking care of most things at home, although if you are studying on your 2 days off I would expect your partner to pitch in a bit more.
If you are tight for money after splitting the bills perhaps just ask him if he would mind giving you a little extra a month out of his spending money since he doesn't use it all anyway, if he is a decent guy I'm sure he wouldn't have a problem with it until you have a little less outgoings. Eventually if you stay together you may pull your money anyway, wether you have kids or not. Do what makes you feel happy, not what a load of judgemental people on the internet say you should be doing. So sick listening to woman tear into other woman for not working full time just because they probably could. If your not working fill time, studying and juggling a few kids and childcare then you have not right talk about your life and ask for advice. Thats coming from a full time worker, generally working more that my partner but earing less due to the nature of my work,that's jist life. If I could afford to be part time I would do it in a heartbeat. Pension etc is not the only thing in life to worry about, sometimes you have to do what works for you in the present.

boringlyboring probably about 100. Im paying 250 off per month now so would make a biggish dent

Drogosnextwife

Thanks :)

I know im in a fortunate position. But im young and planning my future and i think im making the right choice

I think your lack of spending money is due to your decision to only work part time. It's a great achievement that you've got yourself in to a position where you can do this at your age. If you'd rather have more money than you need to work more than three days a week. I think either choice is fine.

In terms of housework I think your DP should really, really learn to cook. Apart from that my favourite rule of thumb for housework is "equal free time".

Every post like this reinforces my desire to absolutely ensure my own daughter does not embark on madness such as this.

Op, it's great that you were able to take from this thread the message about not taking on more housework. You are self funding your training. Just leave the house 9-5 two days a week to do so - mentally, if not physically! Then sharing all household tasks will feel more natural. We are warning you because normally 'the great shift' occurs with maternity leave - off at home, all tasks default to you and never return.

If you do not need 2 full days to study, maybe work part time on another job/bank work.

Do not martyr yourself and enjoy.your studies

I thinks what your planning sounds good and I hope you get to where you are aiming for job wise. You sound like you have your head screwed on so I'm sure you won't leave yourself vulnerable. Ignore the nasty comments, can get weird on here sometimes

I think it is very hard to be half committed when it comes to finances, although sensible. I earn about 9k more than my husband. He has access to it 50/50. When he was part time, he still had 50/50. When I was part time I had 50/50 of the pot. I’m not sure I like the whole “putting a value on housework” or “who is entitled to more money” angle. It’s tricky when you try to keep your finances reasonably separate, although I know that it is financially sensible. It is easier to accept you are a partnership. I think personally you should both have the same amount of spare money.

at the beginning of our relationship my husband earned more than me, so paid a higher proportion of the joint expenditure. I didn't consider offering to do all the household tasks to make up for it, and he didn't ask.

Bluntness, I see where you are coming from but that's not the same situation because you were both working full time so had the same amount of energy/free time to do chores. If both are working full time, but one earns more I don't think the lower earner should do more chores.

However, if one has decided to work part time and therefore has more free time at home and is able to do this because the other one pays more, I think it's only fair that the part-time one contributes in another way to get it back up to 50-50.

How would you have felt if, at the beginning of your relationship, your DH had started working PT, so you paid the majority of the bills and he lounged around on his days off at your expense?

If you both contributed the same amount (e.g £1k a month each) this wouldn't be an issue at all. You could do what you want with your days off. But if he's paying more for bills, you should contribute more in another way.

ISdads

Thanks

I have agreed that i will not take all the burden of house work and will tell him we are making fair arrangements of this.

Im terms of extra money i will probably do an extra two shifts per month and occasional bank shift. Bringing in maybe 400 -600 ish. But i was going to put it towards holidays and more towards savings.

Drogosnextwife

Thank you i appreciate it. i have been following the forums for a while, so have seen some of the judgements i just didnt think i would get so much of it though! It has been cancelled out by some very fair and constructive input though.

OP I feel for you on this thread, I actually thought YWBU however after actually reading what you've said I don’t at all. Far too many people on this thread haven’t even read the comments and just jumped straight in with their opinion/unnecessary judgment - what else to do on a Sunday afternoon eh?

We are a similar age (I’m 26) and me and my DP bought a house a few years ago (we too are not married), he earns more than me so he does contribute more into the joint account for bills etc. That’s just how it is at the moment. If you can afford to go part time and it certainly seems you can, just do it & put all your focus and energy on your studies!

Good luck!

boringlyboring
I can’t get my head around a 25 year old voluntarily reducing her earning and pension capacity by 40% to cook and clean for a boyfriend.

Totally agree.

I don't think you can complain that he has more money than you, he works full time and already puts a greater contribution into the pot. If you want more spending money increase your hours and then split all household chores accordingly. It can't be that onerous with only two of you.

So in answer to your question - no I don't think you should ask for housekeeping money.

Anyat212

Thank you. I admit i focused on the wrong points in my opening post.

Im ignoring the ignorant comments though. I have acheived a lot for my age and im confident ill go on to acheive much more.

Ive taken on board the constructive critism as i said (to make sure im financially protected, not do all chores, not ask for more money) but i know im not foolish.

I'm not saying people shouldn't do that if they haven't made a commitment but I don't see why they should have to if they don't want to

I agree, but I don't think anyone buys a house together if they haven't made a commitment and don't see themselves as life partners, marriage I don't see as relevant.

Agatha I'd agree with you again, and based on the way the op was written I'd strongly agree with you, but the op is now saying she's going part time primarily to study, not as initially put forward as the prime reason to clean, cook and dog sit.

Op, you're now saying you will also do Bank shifts and bring your income up by four hundred to six hundred, so equitable to him. So why the whole I will do your chores for fifty quid a month malarkey?

Bluntness100
We are basing expendable money on base salaries

We are pooling overtime as he also does it to fund holidays and rainy day funds. So yes i suppose i could take more of this for me

Then take the fifty quid for you. It's way better than selling your services to him as his maid and general dogsbody for fifty quid a month.

Hi OP. If you were my partner and working 3 days and retraining/studying 2, that means that you are "working" 5 days a week the same as me and therefore we'd split all the domestic chores and housework. Otherwise all sounds good to me. You're only 25 and already have a clear plan of what you want to do career-wise. That you're able to keep working part-time while retraining at the same time is fantastic. £20k is a great salary to have coming in while you retrain - a lot of people get into terrible debt retraining, which sometimes is worth it of course, but great that you don't have to do that. If a person can afford to retrain and go part-time I think that is a good thing. I admire people who have managed to work full-time while studying and raising children at the same time, but while this can be a necessity, it isn't desirable if you can afford to find another way. I'm in my mid-40s and unfortunately have known too many people have breakdowns or worse from running themselves ragged for decades.

I think a problem you can encounter on here is that some people have an extremely fixed idea of what makes for a good life plan, and that involves working full-time until retirement (above all things that is held up as the gold standard). If you have a relationship you must be married for the financial security and if you aren't you'll get grilled on here. The faintest whiff of a male partner not pulling their weight domestically and the accusations of "cock lodger" start. It sounds to me as if you and your DP have a solid relationship where you are openly discussing and working through financial issues which is great. I don't see your position as vulnerable at all - you have this planned 2 year period during which you are retraining and therefore taking a dip in income. You've made it clear many times on here that you still have a good income even during this 2 years and that you are fully aware of and have paid into your pension. It annoys me that some posters seem intent on portraying you as some sort of clueless youngster giving it all up to wash a man's underpants, when you seem to be sorted, aware of and fully engaged with financial matters and all other aspects of your relationship.

I have been with my partner since I was 19,we are unmarried,no joint account
Only on mn is it considered a signal of instabuor uncommitted if you don’t share monies
It’s not mandatory,it’s not a measure of commitment in a relationship. one only has to peruse mn to see read about women who gave up work when their man suggested it

The op strengths are she has a professional qualification and in demand skills. So long as she retains her registration She’ll work
OP is right she has seen and Heard traumatic things,and has to dust herself down and go in the next day for more of the same. I’m not a nurse btw

What I and others are warning against is sleep walking into an unbalanced relationship,shouldering the domestic chores too. When you have kids us the time to take risks,build career,put time into studies because you can. There isnt a better time. And 25 is your time, not time to be factoring in chores and accommodating a man who won’t cook

Please dont pass judgment, my boyfriend is very fair

Is that all while everything is in his favour op?

Tbh reading the op all o could think is are you fucking crazy??

I'm sure he is happy for you to do everything at home whole he doesn't lift a finger.

You must be off your head to agree to all this.

How much housework is needed in a child free home

Passing4Human and LipstickHandbagCoffee

Thank you i appreciate that. I do think there are some narrow minded views on here. I dont feel any pressure to get married, I feel im being supported by my boyfriend but im not dependent.

And eliza. It was my idea to retrain and go part time and me who offered to do more house work. I came on here to ask for advice if this is a fair arrangement, most have said no and I have taken this on board so we will discuss split responsibilities.

Passing4human, have you completely and utterly missed the point of the op, as she's one question and it's the one thing you've ignored,

Her question is should she ask him for fifty quid a month payment from him in return for her doing his share of the chores.

And this thread has changed beyond all recognition. We started off with her going part time primarily to cook clean and " puppeeee " sit and wanting fifty quid a month from him so she could spend it on hair and nails, and moved to her going part time to primarily study, she will be doing Bank shifts, earning up to an extra 600 a month, taking her disposable income to the same as his and more than his in August. But she's going to save all that six hundred, and become his maid for fifty quid,

It's a bit strange, let's be honest.

@ISdads

She's not self funding her retraining though. She said previously that the cost of her courses is coming out of their joint bills. Which he pays a higher percentage of. So he is funding most of her course, she is making up the rest of it.

On mn to be unmarried is considered an unstable relationship. Best line I ever read here was something about giving away the milk for free and no man would ever marry that. It gets all he should put a ring on you, and you must take his name or else youre not one family if there’s two surnames (another mn nugget)

I’m simply saying he should cook, buy him a joe with the big gob book
You should’nt sleepwalk in domestic drudgery

You should’nt sleepwalk in domestic drudgery

This. And don't get me wrong, I'd consider it, but it would take a shit lot more money than your partner even earns. I certainly wouldn't be anyone's domestics drudge for a tenner a week.