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Original poster

Would you pay back this 10k?

507 replies

cantchooseyourfamily · 06/01/2019 04:25

I'm looking for some advice, I was really ill over the last few years and managed to get treatment overseas that cost almost £50,000. The treatment was somewhat experimental at the time but is now available on the NHS, however I couldn't afford to wait and see if it would start being offered on the NHS so we made the decision that we would pay and I would go abroad for it.

Before I went for the treatment I wasn't sure about going, was worried about leaving my children and was also worried because I was about £10,000 short with being able to pay for it. DH and I have good jobs and are very lucky, we would have been able to get hold of the last 10k within a few months and were prepared to wait until we had it before I went ahead.

However, my mother offered to give me the remaining money and was insistent it was a gift, I asked several times over the following months if I should pay it back and she was insistent that it was fine, it was a gift, she wanted to help, etc. At that point we had the 10k and could have given it back, no issue.

Not that it necessarily matters but she's fairly well off with different companies and a few properties. This all happened over a year ago, I've moved on, am doing well health wise and have not thought about the money much, other than to feel grateful. Now out of nowhere she has messaged saying she's having business problems and wants the money back. I'm so upset, I hadn't factored this in, have my own stuff going on have made investments and purchases this year that I would not have done had I thought this was a loan rather than a gift. If I don't give it to her the family fall out will be huge, with my sister's and mother likely disowning me. On the other hand I think it's a rubbish way to treat me. There's so much more to the backstory but I wasn't raised by my mum and had very little to do with her until I was in my 20's, didn't meet my sister's until they were older and so on. I'm quite sure this would be the end of our fragile relationship but don't know if it might be for the best anyway. I couldn't imagine gifting my children a house deposit or sum of money to help with there wedding or medical treatment and then asking for it back a year later.

I'm very upset and wondering if I should just pay it back or not?

I also can't help remembering times over the last few years when she has paid for very expensive holidays and bought cars and things for her other children, none of which bothered me at the time, I didn't need anything from her and am a bit older. I can't help thinking she won't be asking for those gifts back from her other children and it's just another way in which I'm treated very differently.

OP posts:
DangerMouse17 · 06/01/2019 13:04

RTFT @Bluelady

She got the 10k for medical treatment. That was what it was used for, NOT the OP's business Hmm

The point made was that when the mother refused the money back and insisted it was a gift, the OP planned her financial year in terms of business and investments. She would not have made those investments if she knew she had to pay back 10k!

Wordthe · 06/01/2019 13:05

Offer to set up a direct debit for £5 a month

Stormy76 · 06/01/2019 13:14

Give her half the money and walk away from the relationship. This sounds like it isn't going to work for you. you need to look after yourself and actually she shouldn't get the money back at all because it was a gift and for medical treatment. Giving half back is a compromise

Honeyroar · 06/01/2019 13:18

Are you financially better off than your siblings perhaps? Could that be why she has asked you, not them? You did say you both have good jobs and could easily raise £10k in a couple of months.. I can understand why you're upset. I would give her the money, but tell her that you're disappointed and always feel second to your siblings and ask her why nobody else has been asked to repay all the money she's given them.

trojanpony · 06/01/2019 13:19

Flowers this is mega shitty of her and there is clearly backstory.

I would ask your DM whether her other children are repaying their gift, too?
This was the first question I had when I read your post.

Then I would do as others suggest and remind she insisted it was a gift repeatedly.
I also like the paying by cheque suggestion (a PA relative does this to me and it drives me crazy Grin)
I would not use the loan money but rather repay but at £1k every two months or whatever you can afford.

Then I’d start distancing myself / being blandly polite about everything and focus on my own family and only engage with mother and siblings when it suited me.
Basically just suit yourself from now on.

Original poster
cantchooseyourfamily · 06/01/2019 13:20

DangerMouse that sums it up perfectly. I wouldn't have made the decisions I have over the last year if I had owed someone 10k, I would have prioritised paying that back.

I recognise that I am very fortunate, I do wonder if the answers on here would have been different if I had said I didn't have the money and was on a lower income.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 06/01/2019 13:22

I should add I think you absolutely can with a clear conscience also say no. The only reason I didn’t suggest is bescause from your post you don’t sound like you are ready for no contact and you do sound like you could raise the money albeit slightly inconvenient. If this isn’t the case, I go for a firm polite “No can do. sorry not sorry “

Original poster
cantchooseyourfamily · 06/01/2019 13:24

To be fair her other children are younger, they still live at home, some have just finished school others are taking some time to figure out their future and working part time. All are subsidised by my mother, she has bought 2 of them cars over the last couple of years and has paid for the usual stuff, holidays for them and so on.

Without a doubt there is deep set resentment on my part that I think I keep well hidden, any suggestion of inequality or differences in treatment have never gone down well so it's just never mentioned anymore.

Everything I have achieved has been with the support of my DH and without any support from my family, aside from this sum of money.

OP posts:
Amallamard · 06/01/2019 13:26

I think in your shoes I would pay it back. Not that morally or legally you should but that she will hold it over you forever if you don't. Pay it back and never take anything from her ever again. I'd be really hurt though.

NWQM · 06/01/2019 13:27

Can I check - does your Mum know you have the ‘savings’?

Motoko · 06/01/2019 13:29

I would do my best to help, she's your mother.

In name only. Did you bother to read the thread?

Arnoldthecat · 06/01/2019 13:29

Pay it back or at least make arrangements to pay it back...she did you a favour when you most needed it ,,remember that bit ???

ToEarlyForDecorations · 06/01/2019 13:32

Write to your siblings - (cc DM) to say ‘terrible news, DM is in financial difficulty and needs to raise 10k. She’s generously given us all gifts in the past - can we club together to raise this cash for her’. You could separately state what you’d be able to contribute.*

This ^

Pinkprincess1978 · 06/01/2019 13:38

How long are parents allowed to keep this 'credit' they have when they gift something to their children? My in laws bought their daughter a car some years ago so gave us the equivalent in cash. Sil still has the car but it isn't worth anywhere near as much now. We spent the money on home improvements on previous property.

A few years later they paid a lot of money towards sil wedding and at same time gave us money towards a deposit on our new home.

As we got 'cash' rather than a car or a wedding are we more obliged than sil to pay them back if they do decide they need money in the future? If so how long can they hold these gifts over a child's head? Forever?

Ops 'd'm isn't on the breadline and isn't asking for money to live as she is in hard times. She has bid for a won a contract to extend her business without the money to pay for this and expects instead to collect of previously given gifts.

Yes op might have the money but it isn't money going spare. She has already said she has this ear marked to pay back a business loan when it is due.

Personally I would say sorry to your DM you just don't have that much spare at the moment. Of you could spare a smaller amount or loan a smaller amount then offer that but don't feel obliged to do this.

Tistheseason17 · 06/01/2019 13:39

Without a doubt there is deep set resentment on my part that I think I keep well hidden, any suggestion of inequality or differences in treatment have never gone down well so it's just never mentioned anymore

Why, exactly, with all the pain she causes you do you still want her in your life? Duty? Expectations? No. This is clearly not a healthy relationship.

In essence, you're going to be paying for your siblings' cars!!!

MadeForThis · 06/01/2019 13:40

I wouldn't give her anything. It was a gift. You don't owe her anything. Financially or emotionally.

How would she have financed this new business contract if that £10k didn't exist? She can do that.

She doesn't know your financial position. Tell her you can't afford it. The money is spent. It's gone.

If the relationship is over because of this then it wasn't really there to begin with.

Arnoldthecat · 06/01/2019 13:44

So much for families ...

ihadasleepintoday · 06/01/2019 13:48

Yeah I've changed my mind op after seeing your follow up. I don't see why your business should struggle so she can expand hers.

It doesn't sound like she brings a lot to your life, I would very seriously consider whether I wanted to continue any relationship.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 06/01/2019 13:51

@cantchooseyourfamily

Please do not pay back the gift of money you have received.

You have asked numerous times if she wanted it back and she said no.

You response should detail that along with an explaination that your circumstances have changed and you are not able to return the gift.

Also ignore the plaster saints in this thread saying they would pay back the money I guarantee they would not.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 06/01/2019 13:52

Also use the new year to set loose all of the dead wood and your mum is someone who adds no benefit to your life I would cut contact.

SoyDora · 06/01/2019 13:53

I would pay her back, not because I’m a saint but because I would hate a woman like this to think I owed her anything. I’d pay her back and drop contact.

trojanpony · 06/01/2019 13:55

Agree that you owe her nothing. If you are accepting of the fact she might sever contact them I’d decline to pay it too.

We are fairly well off but £40k and another £10k to boot, while theoretically possible, would make a Significant dent in our budget (and we are childless)

puffyisgood · 06/01/2019 13:57

For her to ask is unexemplary rather than outright unreasonable, & in your position i'd say you should 110% pay her back if you have the money in a "liquid savings account", 110%.

IAmRubbishAtDIY · 06/01/2019 14:03

I think the very first answer you had gives the only solution.

Pay it back in your own time and then go NC.

puffyisgood · 06/01/2019 14:06

I do wonder if the answers on here would have been different if I had said I didn't have the money and was on a lower income

absolutely they would have been, yes.

no-one's saying that you shoudl have to sell a kidney to get the £10k, that'd shift the balance of unreasonableness firmly towards your mother, but if you've got it lying around then it's very much on you.