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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you pay back this 10k?

507 replies

cantchooseyourfamily · 06/01/2019 04:25

I'm looking for some advice, I was really ill over the last few years and managed to get treatment overseas that cost almost £50,000. The treatment was somewhat experimental at the time but is now available on the NHS, however I couldn't afford to wait and see if it would start being offered on the NHS so we made the decision that we would pay and I would go abroad for it.

Before I went for the treatment I wasn't sure about going, was worried about leaving my children and was also worried because I was about £10,000 short with being able to pay for it. DH and I have good jobs and are very lucky, we would have been able to get hold of the last 10k within a few months and were prepared to wait until we had it before I went ahead.

However, my mother offered to give me the remaining money and was insistent it was a gift, I asked several times over the following months if I should pay it back and she was insistent that it was fine, it was a gift, she wanted to help, etc. At that point we had the 10k and could have given it back, no issue.

Not that it necessarily matters but she's fairly well off with different companies and a few properties. This all happened over a year ago, I've moved on, am doing well health wise and have not thought about the money much, other than to feel grateful. Now out of nowhere she has messaged saying she's having business problems and wants the money back. I'm so upset, I hadn't factored this in, have my own stuff going on have made investments and purchases this year that I would not have done had I thought this was a loan rather than a gift. If I don't give it to her the family fall out will be huge, with my sister's and mother likely disowning me. On the other hand I think it's a rubbish way to treat me. There's so much more to the backstory but I wasn't raised by my mum and had very little to do with her until I was in my 20's, didn't meet my sister's until they were older and so on. I'm quite sure this would be the end of our fragile relationship but don't know if it might be for the best anyway. I couldn't imagine gifting my children a house deposit or sum of money to help with there wedding or medical treatment and then asking for it back a year later.

I'm very upset and wondering if I should just pay it back or not?

I also can't help remembering times over the last few years when she has paid for very expensive holidays and bought cars and things for her other children, none of which bothered me at the time, I didn't need anything from her and am a bit older. I can't help thinking she won't be asking for those gifts back from her other children and it's just another way in which I'm treated very differently.

OP posts:
cstaff · 07/01/2019 17:09

This so called relationship is going nowhere. I would let her go to hell. If she really wants / needs the money let her beg for it and also get her to acknowledge that it was a gift to start with.

What have you got to lose at this stage and if she doesn't have the "Emotional Energy" - you can both play that game. There are no winners here but at least if you don't pay her back you wont be 10K down.

bluebird3 · 07/01/2019 17:17

I'm sorry OP it sounds like the family relationship is ruined and it will never be what you had hoped, even if you pay it back all at once. With that being the case, I would pay it back on your terms without causing undue hardship to yourself and your family.

MsLexic · 07/01/2019 17:30

I just do not understand people saying don't pay her back. She helped you in a time of need. Now you can help her. It's ridiculous to ruin a relationship over money. You do sound resentful for whatever reason, over parity of money is Not the best reason in the world. Do reflect on the matter. You can pay back in instalments. Have you really fallen on hard times?

Original poster
cantchooseyourfamily · 07/01/2019 17:40

MsLexic the question about praying it back arises from the fact it was a gift. How many gifts have you given to people in your life? Do you feel that those gifts should be returned at any time that you say they should be?

As I have said I have offered to pay it back in instalments (against my belief that a gift is in fact a gift and shouldn't be requested back) and was met with abuse.

OP posts:
NotForSale · 07/01/2019 17:42

If you could raise the money yourself within a few weeks then, can you do so now?
It sounds like your mum is asking for some help and you are saying no to her even though she helped you, out of principle. Perhaps she has applied a bit of emotional pressure in asking you and not the others but I think you should be the better person and offer the money back.

DaveTheDesigner · 07/01/2019 17:43

If your mother had asked to borrow the £10k, rather 'for it back', I suspect this would not have become such an issue. It sounds like it was an unfortunate way to approach the need for the money and the way the request was phrased is the big problem.

Jenny17 · 07/01/2019 17:44

I just do not understand people saying don't pay her back. She helped you in a time of need. Now you can help her

This is not about helping one another. A gift was given by someone who wasn't in a position to give £10k. OP was not in urgent need and probably felt like she had to / wanted to accept. The gift is being demanded back like it was a loan and this has led to OP being in a worse financial position than if the gift was not received.
Furthermore the way this has been handled doesn't sit well with a lot of posters. Surely you that?

Wheresthebeach · 07/01/2019 17:47

Wow OP. I agree come out of the chat and see what they do.

She isn't a good person to have in life - time to move on.

billybagpuss · 07/01/2019 17:48

So sorry OP, I think the upshot here is your mum's 'gift' wasn't hers to give. It sounds like she's being kicked out for misappropriation of company funds.

AnotherEmma · 07/01/2019 17:51

OP, please ignore the people who are saying that you should just pay it back - they clearly don't have any understanding of toxic family relationships and they can't possibly have read your posts properly.

The relationship has already broken down and that's not your fault in any way, it's your mother's fault.

I'm appalled by her latest behaviour. It's completely unfair of her to blame you for the situation she finds herself in - whatever the situation is, it's a result of her own actions and decisions. She is responsible for it, not you. And she can't possibly expect you to give her £10k immediately, very few people have that kind of money "spare".

I think your offer to pay in instalments was very reasonable. Given her reaction, I think you owe her nothing. You could still pay her if you want to, but either way, you should definitely cut all contact. I'd be tempted to block her for a while.

Thinking about it, perhaps the issue is that she gave you money from the business when she shouldn't have done, and now she's been found out she has backtracked and claimed that it was a loan, so she can say the money is going straight back into the company in one go - damage limitation or something.

It really is her problem though.

PolkaDoting · 07/01/2019 17:52

I wouldn’t pay it back.

I would message to say that though I had been prepared to pay back at X amount per month in the interests of keeping family relations civil I was no longer prepared to do so, as the relationship has already become uncivil.

AnotherEmma · 07/01/2019 17:52

Cross post. I think billy's explanation is likely.
"I think the upshot here is your mum's 'gift' wasn't hers to give. It sounds like she's being kicked out for misappropriation of company funds."

Iloveacurry · 07/01/2019 17:52

Your mother sounds very unpleasant. Hope you get it sorted.

GloomyMonday · 07/01/2019 17:56

She's in a pretty desperate situation though isn't she? Separating from her partner and losing her share of the business? I'm not saying she's dealing with it honourably but she must be desperate, panicking about her financial future and - I think - deserves to be cut some slack. If you've got the money, why insist on instalments just to prove your point?

Bumblebeesmum · 07/01/2019 18:05

She’s potentially committed fraud or at least is discovering that will now be a dividend and she could face a several thousand pound tax bill - she did all this, to help you. As much as I don’t think she’s behaving very nicely, I do find it odd that you’ve got it sat in a savings account but wouldn’t help her rectify her error. Legally you don’t need to help her, but:
1: She’s in this mess because she helped you
2: You didn’t even need the help & so have essentially viewed it as a windfall which isn’t even spent yet....

I don’t disagree with people saying she’s behaving nastily though.

kennycat · 07/01/2019 18:07

Pay her. She helped you in your hour of need so you should help her.

She’s your mum for heaven’s sake; I wouldn’t gave thought it even required any thought.
You clearly aren’t on the breadline so cough up. In installments if you’d rather but pay up.

Ellie56 · 07/01/2019 18:07

Your mother is vile and I bloody well wouldn't pay it back.It was a gift and she told you so many times! Angry

This relationship is going nowhere OP. I think you need to go NC and get some counselling. You don't need her in your life. So sorry OP.

Bumblebeesmum · 07/01/2019 18:07

I also can’t help thinking there’s a control battle going on here. Why would you offer to repay in instalments when she’s up the creek & you have it sat in an account? That just seems a bit nasty to me - sorry.

Whenlifethrowslemons · 07/01/2019 18:08

I was not in contact with one of my parents until I was in my 20's too and in my experience you are always treated differently (financially and every way) to the other siblings who were lucky enough to be there from day one. It sucks and I doubt it was your fault either.

I don't think you can win in this situation and I would agree to pay back in your own timescale, but let her know how sad you are that the terms have changed.

Flowerpower220394 · 07/01/2019 18:09

I do feel for you.This is why it is always a good idea to draw up a written contract when loaning or borrowing money with both parties signing to say that they understand the deal. That way there is no confusion over whether it was a gift or a loan and neither party can backtrack on it. Both party's should have a copy of the written contract. Maybe keep that in mind for the future.

I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situation, it's tricky. Maybe make some time to have a talk with your mother and find out how bad her money problems are and come to a arrangement from that. I hope it works out for you. :)

Motoko · 07/01/2019 18:09

If you've got the money, why insist on instalments just to prove your point?

Because the money that OP has, is for her own business, to pay off an actual loan.

The money her "mother" is now demanding back, was a gift, not a loan. Therefore, OP doesn't have to pay it back, but OP has offered to pay it back in instalments, presumably out of her monthly salary.
OP should not touch the business money to pay it back.

bridgetreilly · 07/01/2019 18:10

She has replied saying she doesn't have the emotional energy to deal with this and I will need to deal with her business partners (ie her husband and my sister) as the payment was made from the company.

In that case, I would have no further contact with her. You don't have any obligation to the company, and it's up to the other business partners to deal with her as they see fit. You definitely don't need to pay it back, and you don't need to have anything to do with her again. She's the one who has got herself into the mess and she is the one who should bear the consequences.

Gromit78 · 07/01/2019 18:10

When people borrow/lend or give/receive large sums of money for whatever purposes there are always deep personal reasons for doing this. It's all about personal relationships. As opposed to if the bank lends money, it's nothing personal. You sign a contract and there are no emotions attached.

In this situation, there are loads of personal issues behind the money and it has complicated matters.

I am no counselor, but I suggest you see a counselor or life coach about this issue and deal with some of the background emotional problems that may not have been fully addressed, otherwise there can be resentment and that's poisonous to the soul.

Speak to a professional person first before contacting your mother.

All the best. Hope the treatment was a success.

bridgetreilly · 07/01/2019 18:11

And I would consider taking legal advice about your position on this. Not because I think there's any doubt, but just to make it clear to them all that you are serious.

Stiddleficks · 07/01/2019 18:12

I agree that she has probably been removed from the company for misappropriation if funds. If she’s going through a separation she maybe feels she will be left with nothing and this is an attempt to guilt you to return her gift.
No good can come of this relationship, I would block her and see if her husband contacts you. If you don’t hear from him and he won’t accept repayment then cut all ties. They can’t force you to give the money to her and she certainly doesn’t deserve it. You will lose out wether you repay it or not, in your situation I wouldn’t.