Would you pay back this 10k?

[cantchooseyourfamily]

I'm looking for some advice, I was really ill over the last few years and managed to get treatment overseas that cost almost £50,000. The treatment was somewhat experimental at the time but is now available on the NHS, however I couldn't afford to wait and see if it would start being offered on the NHS so we made the decision that we would pay and I would go abroad for it.

Before I went for the treatment I wasn't sure about going, was worried about leaving my children and was also worried because I was about £10,000 short with being able to pay for it. DH and I have good jobs and are very lucky, we would have been able to get hold of the last 10k within a few months and were prepared to wait until we had it before I went ahead.

However, my mother offered to give me the remaining money and was insistent it was a gift, I asked several times over the following months if I should pay it back and she was insistent that it was fine, it was a gift, she wanted to help, etc. At that point we had the 10k and could have given it back, no issue.

Not that it necessarily matters but she's fairly well off with different companies and a few properties. This all happened over a year ago, I've moved on, am doing well health wise and have not thought about the money much, other than to feel grateful. Now out of nowhere she has messaged saying she's having business problems and wants the money back. I'm so upset, I hadn't factored this in, have my own stuff going on have made investments and purchases this year that I would not have done had I thought this was a loan rather than a gift. If I don't give it to her the family fall out will be huge, with my sister's and mother likely disowning me. On the other hand I think it's a rubbish way to treat me. There's so much more to the backstory but I wasn't raised by my mum and had very little to do with her until I was in my 20's, didn't meet my sister's until they were older and so on. I'm quite sure this would be the end of our fragile relationship but don't know if it might be for the best anyway. I couldn't imagine gifting my children a house deposit or sum of money to help with there wedding or medical treatment and then asking for it back a year later.

I'm very upset and wondering if I should just pay it back or not?

I also can't help remembering times over the last few years when she has paid for very expensive holidays and bought cars and things for her other children, none of which bothered me at the time, I didn't need anything from her and am a bit older. I can't help thinking she won't be asking for those gifts back from her other children and it's just another way in which I'm treated very differently.

I have{/d} a similar relationship with my father, was no contact for many years and got back in touch in my thirties. My half sister and especially brother were given literally thousands of pounds and had no qualms about taking money from him. He set them both up in businesses and bought houses and expensive gifts and still pays for most things.

I struggled on and at one point was given an expensive watch which I kept and a v. expensive diamond ring, which I refused. I refused because although I knew I was entitled to thousands more if we'd all been treated equally then it would always be there hanging over me, and he can get resentful over things he's given people when they then don't always do as he wants. I didn't want to deal with that and I'm happy that we made our own way in life. I'm not resentful towards my half siblings, because there are things in life so much more important that money.

It isn't being saintly to return the money, it can actually be quite selfish to return it, because it brings peace of mind. I'd pay it back and go NC and view it as money well spent if they are out of your life if they are so toxic.

You could just keep it, but it would eat me up knowing the bad feeling that it would cause. I'd rather be well rid of it and them.

I can understand those saying to return it for my own peace of mind, I can't get on board with being called a scrounger or entitled. To be quite clear I never asked for the money. My mother asked why I wasn't having the treatment sooner, I explained why and she offered, in fact was quite insistent, about giving me the rest.

We all give gifts and I'm sure that most of us would never dream of asking for those gifts back a year later.

I didn't miss the 'gift'. I know what a gift is. I a!so know what a family obligation is. Wh a t happened to shame? Do we not do that anymore? Feel ashamed at lifting 10k out of your mother's purse, gift or not?

Yes we all understand giving gifts. And would never ask for them back

• if we really, really didn't need to. Let's hope you're never in need again OP.

I am sure the answer would have been different if you were on a low income which is why some posters (me included) have suggested you just pay it back. In my opinion, it puts power back in your court.

We all give gifts and I'm sure that most of us would never dream of asking for those gifts back a year later

There’s a number of reasons why this money is not a common or garden gift

It’s size
It’s cash
It’s purpose
The fact you asked her whether she wanted it back

Bit disingenuous to suggest it should be treated as such

I would have paid this back as soon as I was able to even if she said it wasn’t necessary. You’re not short of money

Long way off seems to also be a long way out of order.

I try not to be the grammar police but the three rogue apostrophes in a row made me wince

It's also not disingenuous to ask if it really is a gift and to be assured, a few times that yes it is actually a gift.

The points abouts size etc have no purpose. It was a gift.

The op was being kind to offer to pay it back but she never needed to as it was a gift.

Now that she is being asked to pay it back, that is wrong as it was a gift.

Do people really not understand what the word gift means?

However I would pay it back as the money clearly has strings attached. I would take the higher moral ground and pay it back and never accept anything again from them.

The op wants her mother's love and felt like the 10k was a gift given in love. If it was not then I would want no part of it and I think the op feels like this.

Op you are wealthy enough to pay it back, just do so knowing you have a clear conscience and move on. This may not mean going nc but just do things on your own terms.

Having read the update I’m not so sure I would “return” the money. I did originally say send a cheque with a letter. However this is taking money from your much smaller business to give to hers. She should have factored in how to finance the big contract, not tap her eldest daughter.

longwayoff
Are you the mother? What happened to family obligation? Really?? My thoughts of obligation would turn to that of a mother to her child.

There are some people on here that clearly don't understand toxic relationships and seem to struggle with reading comprehension.

Another +1 for this.

And weaponised gift summed it up well too.

Honestly I'd be very tempted to tell her to fuck off and be cheerfully disowned (although how you can be disowned by a family you were never raised with is beyond me).

But realistically I'd probably just send her 2k and say "thanks again for the gift. This gift is all I have to spare."

I try not to be the grammar police but the three rogue apostrophes in a row made me wince

I tend to wince at unnecessary personal twatty comments myself

Each to our own

Does she need the money to buy a cross channel ferry?

If she is asking the OP for £10k because she is truly in need and because they are family, she should be framing the request as a favour. It isn't honest to frame it as something her daughter should feel compelled to do as part of a transactional agreement. It has nothing to do with the previous loan; it would be a gift from the OP and not a repayment, and it should be asked for in those terms, but OP's mother knows that she is less likely to get the answer she wants as the purposes she's using it for are nowhere near in the same league as medical treatment. So she needs to add another element of persuasion, i.e. the claim that the OP is actually indebted to her, which is very manipulative. She probably also doesn't want to shoulder the same burden of gratitude that you had to take on when she was generous to you.
OP if you're inclined to give her this money, then I would make very clear that it is a gift from you, and not a repayment, because you were never loaned any money to repay.

It's a bit of a coincidence surely that she needs the exact figure that she gifted? Not £5k or £8k... Unless if course she needs £20k, in which case you could say you'll look into it, and ask how she's raising the rest. Which is a natural question, I'm sure you had a similar discussion about how you raised the rest of your treatment money.

Wow. Here's the thing, the money was given as gift, the mother repeatedly assured them it was a gift. So when she now needs money, the appropriate thing for her would be to approach her daughter and ask whether she might be able to make a loan. And then the daughter gets to decide whether she can do that, whether she can make it a gift, and how much she can do. That's how family obligations work in my world. Not by calling in gifts received in good faith.

Forget about the "gift" aspect of it then OP. Just think of it as returning the favour. Why wouldn't you help?

Why wouldn't you help?

Have you read the thread?

Why would you give a toxic relative who you’ve only known in your adult life 10k when they are trying to manipulate it out of you?
It would be totally different if her mother had come to her and said she was having financial difficulties and could OP help.

A lot of those saying you should not lay it back are swayed by your difficult relationship (I am sorry about this for You). I think if that’s right then you should not have been accepting a gift in the first place. You say you could have raised the 10j yourself. The trouble is accepted a gift ( and it was a gift not a loan). Surely that has meant you have a relationship with your mum where she has helped you out. I just can’t see how if she is in need ( and you need to check this) and you say
You have 10k liquid, you would not help her out. You can’t have it both ways ! You accepted her gift - she is asking for help. Are you really going to say no ?

Yes I've read the thread. I'd still give them the money. I wouldn't be able to justify not giving it to them when I'd accepted the same amount from them just over a year ago. Circumstances change.

Be honest and tell her that you have some savings at the moment but that as she had insisted that the money was a gift you have made a decision recently to invest in your business & the money you now have saved is intended to repay that but that as your Mother is now in need you could perhaps give her some but not the full 10k. Apologize that you can't now give her more but you had not known that she would expect this to be repaid & have now budgeted out on what money you have. Offer her some (but don't call it a repayment) - you will be helping out to the extent you would be financially comfortable with. You could try & call it an investment in her company

TBH I think your mother & sister shouldn't have taken on a big contract that they can't finance on the assumption that you would be able to pony up 10k at the click of their fingers. (Suspect they wouldn't have a leg to stand on if they tried to force you to pay this back as it doesn't sound like there is any real proof of this being a loan that was expected to be repaid.)

Sorry that you're in such a difficult situation, esp as it is worse given all of the history. No matter what way you think about this a gift should remain a gift.

Good luck trying to find a solution that you're happy with & doesn't leave you short or in debt.

How many year(s) since the money was 'given' to you, and her asking for it back?

Because I would be telling her that she has to wait the same amount of time to get the money back.

I don’t think you should even think about paying it back. The woman sounds a bit toxic so I wouldn’t make much of an effort with her from now on either x

I think the suggestion of asking all the 'kids' to 'help Mum' is the way to go. You can then at least ask the question of 'why is it okay for me to have to return gifts, but not anyone else to help?'. It may get you nowhere but at least you've said your piece.

If you can, pay it back, its not right of her to ask, it not fair or reasonable but you need to be out of this toxic soup and this is the best way. Then, honestly, just go quiet and leave her to it.

Whether you give her the 10k or not it sounds like this relationship is going to end. If you don't give her the money she will write you out of her life and if you do, you will probably go nc with her after that. Either way it is not going to be good so my thinking would be why should I be down 10k and have no relationship with my mother.