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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made a big decision myself and not with dh

128 replies

Decisionmakeragain · 05/01/2019 12:44

Had to make a big decision (money involved)
Tried numerous times to discuss options with dh and he would not talk to me all I got was ‘I’m not sure’ ‘let’s talk later/tomorrow/next week’, ‘I’m busy’ etc etc and I kept persevering and he kept putting me off knowing full well we had a deadline.
So I made the decision and sorted it all out. He didn’t even ask he’s just ignored it all ?
WIBU
I have a feeling when he finds out he will say I made the wrong decision and it’s worrying me

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 05/01/2019 12:45

Not enough info.

Baconmaket · 05/01/2019 12:45

YANBU if he knew there was a deadline and refused to engage then he's deliberately abdicated responsibility and doesn't get the benefit of moaning about your decision.

Singlenotsingle · 05/01/2019 12:46

It would help if we knew what the decision was about.

Merryoldgoat · 05/01/2019 12:47

There is not nearly enough info here.

Original poster
Decisionmakeragain · 05/01/2019 12:47

I can’t give any more info other than the above as it would be very outing. It’s more the issue of what should have been a joint decision being pushed in just me but I can see when he finds out he will not be happy but I madectge best choice I could

OP posts:
ADastardlyThing · 05/01/2019 12:48

Any chance he wanted to say no but daren't?

Absentwomen · 05/01/2019 12:50

Need more information OP.

Your DH has evaded a conversation about money. You've then gone and sorted it out. What are you worried about?

I've been married for years and my DH is a spender. For the last decade I've managed the household finances and as he continued to evade conversations around his spending habits I took control and accepted that he's shit at managing money.

What's he not going to be happy about?

ADastardlyThing · 05/01/2019 12:50

Either way I think yabu. You should have said you would make the decision by X date if he was unwilling to engage.

But it's done now. Hopefully it will be worth it?

Consolidateyourloins · 05/01/2019 12:50

You gave him many opportunities to discuss things, so YANBU.

Why are you worried about his reaction? Are you afraid of him / his anger?

Could you email him next time so you have it in writing?

PikaPikaTink · 05/01/2019 12:50

It depends. If you've spent family money that was meant to be for a house deposit on a boob job then yabu. If you can afford it comfortably and he just wouldn't engage yanbu.

WhatASmashingBlouse · 05/01/2019 12:50

Without anymore info what do you want people here to say to you? Well done?
You had a decision to make and you made one, you know you weren't being unreasonable if you had a deadline.

Snoz · 05/01/2019 12:53

Would need to know the amount of money involved and why he was reluctant to discuss it?

Elfinablender · 05/01/2019 12:53

Is this a life changing difference? Have you sold your house to a we buy and house conman and decided to live in a yurt?

alfagirl73 · 05/01/2019 12:57

He was fully aware there was a deadline and what that deadline was, you gave him numerous opportunities to participate in the decision, he chose not to do so. He therefore cannot complain about the decision that was ultimately made when he willingly declined the opportunity to be involved that decision. Simple. If he moans, quote the above.

Original poster
Decisionmakeragain · 05/01/2019 12:58

He just wouldn’t say either way if we should or shouldn’t and would avoid all conversation
It was purely financial I don’t understand why he wouldn’t speak about it
My worry is that I made the decision based on my very limited knowledge and it’s an ok option but it’s tied us into payments for 10 years. That’s as specific as I can get

OP posts:
Original poster
Decisionmakeragain · 05/01/2019 13:00

No not afraid of him. Just dont like the conversations where I’m told I could have done something better or he could have but then at the time there’s no conversation at decision making time

OP posts:
Orlande · 05/01/2019 13:00

If you said explicitly "I'm going to do x", he wouldn't discuss it and then you did x, then he can't complain.

If you didn't inform him what you were doing then that's more of an issue.

Fairylea · 05/01/2019 13:01

I would be furious if dh tied both of us into something for the next 10 years and didn’t talk to me about it before he agreed to it.

Original poster
Decisionmakeragain · 05/01/2019 13:01

That’s the thing I didn’t i just got fed up and the next day made the decision myself and did it......it’s been months he hasn’t even asked and I haven’t mentioned it I was just thinking today at some point it’ll come up

OP posts:
Fairylea · 05/01/2019 13:04

Are we talking a car or remortgage....? Personal loan? I think a lot does depend on what it is and your circumstances.

TheBigBangRocks · 05/01/2019 13:04

You've tied him into payments for ten years without his consent? How, if he's not signed anything?

I'd divorce my DH if he did that.

Usually when someone won't engage it's because they want to say no but fear the repercussions.

RedSkyLastNight · 05/01/2019 13:06

If it affects household payments for the next 10 years, then yes, you should have discussed it before doing it.

If there was a deadline (a real one, or one you artificially imposed?) and he wouldn't engage, then you should have said something along the lines of "we need to discuss this by x date, otherwise we'll just go with my preferred option, which is y".

WinnieFosterTether · 05/01/2019 13:08

It's almost impossible for us to advise. For example, you may have felt it was a decision that had to be made but your DH may have felt it didn't have to be made at all and hence didn't feel the need to discuss eg you might have wanted a new car but DH might have felt there was no need for a new car.
Alternatively, your DH may like avoiding decisions and then complaining about the outcome.

Singlenotsingle · 05/01/2019 13:09

It can't be a car. He would have noticed it sitting on the drive. And it can't be a remortgage because his consent would be needed.

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2019 13:10

You should have said you would make the decision by X date if he was unwilling to engage.

That's what I would've done too.