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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made a big decision myself and not with dh

128 replies

Decisionmakeragain · 05/01/2019 12:44

Had to make a big decision (money involved)
Tried numerous times to discuss options with dh and he would not talk to me all I got was ‘I’m not sure’ ‘let’s talk later/tomorrow/next week’, ‘I’m busy’ etc etc and I kept persevering and he kept putting me off knowing full well we had a deadline.
So I made the decision and sorted it all out. He didn’t even ask he’s just ignored it all ?
WIBU
I have a feeling when he finds out he will say I made the wrong decision and it’s worrying me

OP posts:
Snoz · 05/01/2019 14:49

That makes no sense not decision!

TeacupDrama · 05/01/2019 14:50

I think a pregnancy would need money beyond 10 years !!!!!

Snoz · 05/01/2019 14:51

Yes, but if she doesn't want us to guess that it's a pregnancy, she's not going to say 18 years is she, or we'd all know!

PuppyMonkey · 05/01/2019 14:52

If it’s been so long since this decision was made, surely if it were that epically important, he’d have twigged by now? Confused

How much ££s is involved OP?

PuppyMonkey · 05/01/2019 14:53

Have you cancelled SKY TV? Grin

Snoz · 05/01/2019 14:53

I'm most curious to know what the outing decision was. Are you the only person in the country to have made this decision?

Ampersandcolon · 05/01/2019 14:55

It's not 'outing' to say if it's a loan or a mortgage or private school fees or long-term lease or money spent on a new franchise or a business. Or money spent to accumulate. Or money borrowed. Or money saved.

Snoz · 05/01/2019 14:55

How does your decision affect him? How much financially per year etc?

Snoz · 05/01/2019 14:57

Amper, the only thing that might out her as being conniving would be a decision to have a child. I strongly suspect this is the issue.

Saracen · 05/01/2019 14:57

I think probably YABU. He was being an idiot by refusing to discuss it. But you needed to give him a very specific deadline and warning: "You keep avoiding the subject. Since you won't talk about it, if I don't hear otherwise from you by Monday then I am going to sign the contract."

Also YABU for not telling him as soon as you'd done it. You've made a significant commitment and then waited months to tell him. He's going to use your secrecy to claim that you knew it was a bad decision which he wouldn't like.

Yinv · 05/01/2019 14:59

Well he sounds immature.
I'd forget about it. It's done and he refused to engage.
Can you say how much money per month it costs?

NewPinkSocks · 05/01/2019 15:01

If its regular payments for 10 years that youre tied into, would he not notice when the payments go out?

You can remortgage without the other person I did ours all online.

I think its ok to make decisions if the other person doesnt really care about the issue etc but you really should tell them after if it affects them. If you have taken out your own loan or something and youre paying it back then thats yours to deal with but if ita a joint loan that hes liable for he should really be told.

Snoz · 05/01/2019 15:04

That he didn't want to discuss it, suggests he didn't like the idea. Whatever it is, he needs to know.

IceRebel · 05/01/2019 15:08

I think its ok to make decisions if the other person doesnt really care about the issue etc but you really should tell them after if it affects them.

The OP has already said it will affect him as well, and presumably that's why she also tried to speak to him about it. I agree that it must have been frustrating that he wouldn't talk about it, but his refusal to engage doesn't mean she gets to make the decision for them both. It affects both of them, and will do for a considerably long period of time. No wonder the OP thinks he will be mad when she comes clean, I would be furious it it were me.

Snoz · 05/01/2019 15:11

If my DH locked me into a financial commitment for 10 years without my knowledge or consent, he'd be under the patio by now.

Snoz · 05/01/2019 15:13

Well, in the absence of the OP coming clean with us or her DH, I'm going to play guess!

  1. TTC
  2. A big fat gypsy wedding costing 20k
flumpybear · 05/01/2019 15:17

He's opted out by not responding IMO although I'd have said 'well I'm going to do xxx if you're unhappy with this tell me now before I commit us'

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 05/01/2019 15:18

YABVVVU. If he refuses to discuss it you simply should have said “Unless we discuss this I’m going to do X on X date” so he was fully informed.

You went completely behind his back.

ViolaLucyofTirol · 05/01/2019 15:18

Did you 'hire a big yacht to go sailing around the world..' anyone else remember that advert?

Snoz · 05/01/2019 15:20

The main thing that concerns me is one tiny little word in your title. BIG.

You don't just go making big decisions for other people.

So, yes, YABVVVVVVVVVVVU

Original poster
Decisionmakeragain · 05/01/2019 15:25

Goodness no ! It’s not a pregnancy !!!
Like I said it is purely financial. Should have been a joint decision but didn't need his signature. yes uses what is technically joint money even though its only in my name (as he wouldn’t commit).
The circumstances are probably quite unique but what I’ve actually put in place is relatively common just didnt want to go into huge detail.
I will speak to him when I see him next week (he is away with work currently) and explain what I did

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 05/01/2019 15:27

possibly you should have said hat if we haven’t discussed xyz by Wednesday, then i’m Going to sort it out.

However, you did ask him several times to discuss it and he refused to due to whatever reason. I would have done the same as you and gone ahead with it.

Is it mortgage payments? I’ve done this without consulting my dh. Actually, I do all the home insurance, energy suppliers etc myself, and I never quite know if i’ve Got the right deal or not.

Original poster
Decisionmakeragain · 05/01/2019 15:27

and no, he hasn’t noticed any payments ..... because his go to setting seems to be avoidance of anything/not taking any notice of bank statements etc etc

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 05/01/2019 15:33

It really depends: if you spent 500k on a house - YABU
if you spent 100 on a vacuum cleaner - YANBU

SleepingStandingUp · 05/01/2019 15:36

So you've used joint savings and put them into something with just your name on??

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