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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have made a big decision myself and not with dh

128 replies

Decisionmakeragain · 05/01/2019 12:44

Had to make a big decision (money involved)
Tried numerous times to discuss options with dh and he would not talk to me all I got was ‘I’m not sure’ ‘let’s talk later/tomorrow/next week’, ‘I’m busy’ etc etc and I kept persevering and he kept putting me off knowing full well we had a deadline.
So I made the decision and sorted it all out. He didn’t even ask he’s just ignored it all ?
WIBU
I have a feeling when he finds out he will say I made the wrong decision and it’s worrying me

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 05/01/2019 14:02

Whatever it is it’s something that didn’t require his signature/ID check etc.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/01/2019 14:03

Whilst his behaviour is very annoying, I think I would've said "right buggerlugs, since you won't talk about this I've decided to do x and I will be sorting tomorrow. Speak now or forever hold your peace".

InSightMars · 05/01/2019 14:05

Another who doesn't see how you’ve tied him into a ten year financial commitment without him having signed on some dotted line somewhere? It sounds like you have tied yourself into something using joint money for repayments. This is fine assuming joint finances could stand it and you told him you were taking his indecisiveness as a ‘go ahead’ and were therefore going ahead. But you didn’t tell him, you just went ahead and that looks pretty duplicitous from where I’m standing - I’d be pissed off if DH did that to me. You’d better tell him.

RCohle · 05/01/2019 14:08

I agree with others - if you'd warned him that you were going to do X on Y date and if he disagreed speak up, that would be fine.

If you've unilaterally made a major financial decision without even telling him you were doing it, he'd be justified in being angry.

Yes his failure to engage with the decision was frustrating, but someone being busy/faffy doesn't mean you can just exclude them from major financial choices that effect them too.

LizzieMacQueen · 05/01/2019 14:09

Private school fees?

< assuming this thread is now about guessing the expense >

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/01/2019 14:10

Although to be fair, on reflection, when was the deadline?

You mention the deadline was coming up in the first posts but then say that you got fed up he wouldn't talk about it and did it with no warnings.

So did you do it just before the deadline expired or did you just do it? How close to the deadline was it when you made the decision?

If it was deadline day and he still wanted to talk later; he is somewhat responsible here at least. Someone had to make the call.

elvis86 · 05/01/2019 14:13

"Private school fees?"

If the OP's partner is so disengaged that he doesn't know which school his kids have been attending for months, he deserves fleecing for every penny he's got! 😂😂😂

(I appreciate that you probably have to sign up in advance, so this could well be it and they don't start until September - it just amused me to think of OP's partner not noticing the kids' uniforms since September!).

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/01/2019 14:16

I would be fuming if my DH made a decision that affected me without discussing it first. Whatever it was obviously it wasnt vital because you had the option of refusing or not switching(mortgage providers ect) so it sounds more like you thought it was a good opportunity that you had to sign up to by a certain day. If you are using joint money then yabu.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/01/2019 14:16

Also, private school you’re not tied in for 10years...

HollowTalk · 05/01/2019 14:17

And he would have noticed their child going off to school in a new uniform!

Gazelda · 05/01/2019 14:18

From the information you've given, he was being a prat. But you were unreasonable if you made the decision without telling him you were about to. I'd find it hard to forgive you.

JingsMahBucket · 05/01/2019 14:20

All those PP saying they would be "fuming" if their DH did this: would you still be fuming at him if your husband gave you several months to work through the situation and have a proper conversation about it but you kept brushing him off? Or would you be angry at yourself because you lost your hold of control on the situation and your husband moved on without you even though you were dragging your feet?

wijjy · 05/01/2019 14:21

Life insurance?

HeebieJeebies456 · 05/01/2019 14:22

Just dont like the conversations where I’m told I could have done something better or he could have but then at the time there’s no conversation at decision making time
So he has form for manipulative behaviour, backing you into a corner and then bneing abusive?

He's done a number on you if you're worried about his reaction when he's refusing to take any kind of responsibility himself.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/01/2019 14:24

What would have happened if you hadn't made the decision?

AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2019 14:30

Honestly, I think you should be more worried about the fact that he apparently leaves a decision up to you by refusing engage, and then uses that decision to criticize you. Sounds like emotional abuse to me.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/01/2019 14:33

would you still be fuming at him if your husband gave you several months to work through the situation and have a proper conversation about it but you kept brushing him off?

It depends what the story is from the other side. Was it an opportunity OP didn't want to miss but that wasn't vital? Does her husband have a good reason for not being able to talk about it yet?

OP has said herself she got impatient and just did it, while I can sympathise with the impatience and he was undoubtedly being an unhelpful knob not engaging with her at all, I don't think that warrants making a 10 year financial commitment for him with no notice.

I'm presuming that he's not generally a twat or OP wouldn't be tying herself into a 10 year commitment with him...

Queenie8 · 05/01/2019 14:40

If its finance of any sort there is a cooling off period of 7-14 days.

You need to speak to DH ASAP.

Storybarn · 05/01/2019 14:41

Was it a debt repayment plan?

Snoz · 05/01/2019 14:42

It wasn't a decision to get pregnant by any chance?

MiddleClassProblem · 05/01/2019 14:44

How does pregnancy tie you financially for 10 years?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/01/2019 14:45

If its finance of any sort there is a cooling off period of 7-14 days.

I thought this - OP if you can still cancel, do it.

I think it's been a while since OP agreed though; she references that's it's been "months"z

Snoz · 05/01/2019 14:45

OP is being deliberately vague - not beyond the realms of possibility that she'd fudge the details.

IceRebel · 05/01/2019 14:48

If its finance of any sort there is a cooling off period of 7-14 days.

Surely it's too late for this as it's been months since the OP made this decision. As she said:

i just got fed up and the next day made the decision myself and did it......it’s been months

Snoz · 05/01/2019 14:48

The OP is saying it's purely a financial decision. That makes no decision, as the DH would have needed to co-sign, unless it was something purely in her name, in which case, it's not going to affect the DH.

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