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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made a big decision myself and not with dh

128 replies

Decisionmakeragain · 05/01/2019 12:44

Had to make a big decision (money involved)
Tried numerous times to discuss options with dh and he would not talk to me all I got was ‘I’m not sure’ ‘let’s talk later/tomorrow/next week’, ‘I’m busy’ etc etc and I kept persevering and he kept putting me off knowing full well we had a deadline.
So I made the decision and sorted it all out. He didn’t even ask he’s just ignored it all ?
WIBU
I have a feeling when he finds out he will say I made the wrong decision and it’s worrying me

OP posts:
Original poster
Decisionmakeragain · 05/01/2019 13:10

I’m going to have to speak to him and explain it’s going to come up at some point

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 05/01/2019 13:11

You tied yourself into something for 10 years. Was that something like moving savings into investments, or is there a repayment?

Was it in just your name? How are your finances arranged? He clearly hasn't noticed money going out.

ADastardlyThing · 05/01/2019 13:11

"Usually when someone won't engage it's because they want to say no but fear the repercussions."

That's my thinking, op you really should have said "tomorrow I'm doing X" (if a genuine deadline and not just yours). I often put my dp off with a wavy hand if I think saying an outright no will cause drama. He'd never go ahead and take my indifference as a yes though.

HollowTalk · 05/01/2019 13:11

Have you bought bitcoins?

Orlande · 05/01/2019 13:12

Yes, you should have told him before you did it.

Pissedoffdotcom · 05/01/2019 13:14

If he doesn't engage knowing there is a deadline what exactly was he expecting you to do? All this 'i'd be furious' malarky, i'd personally be pissed off more if i'd spent months trying to discuss something & it being brushed off. I'm guessing if you did nothing you would then have got 'why didn't you talk to me?' 🙄 you either engage in a conversation or you accept the decision made in your absence

thefirstmrsdewinter · 05/01/2019 13:19

Aduts have to deal with important things within an acceptable time frame; everyone can't just stand around waiting until you're ready to opine.
Surely where a decision is time-sensitive the options are (1) agree a deadline to discuss and make a mutual decision with the proviso that if the deadline passes (2) one of you makes the decision and the other goes along with it.
If you're really clear about this in advance there can be no comeback from the person who avoided being consulted in the first place. If you want to take part you have to make the time to do it.
It's exhausting if you're always the one to grasp the nettle though. Refusing to participate and complaining about the outcome is a sign of immaturity.

JingsMahBucket · 05/01/2019 13:27

YANBU. It’s not your fault that you’ve tried bringing it up lots of ways for the last few months and he’s done SFA about it. If he starts complaining now, remind him that he was included in the conversation for the last few months and said nothing.

Own your decision OP and instill a bit more confidence in yourself. You most likely did the right thing. :) Brava!

eddielizzard · 05/01/2019 13:29

Sounds like you remortgaged. And when he asks tell him that he was asked many, many times and he made it clear he wasn't interested.

elvis86 · 05/01/2019 13:31

As others have said, not nearly enough info to make a call as to whether you were BU.

But surely if the deadline was months ago and was real and not imposed by you, your OH must know that you made a call?

And furthermore, I don't understand why you wouldn't have just told him at the time? If you tried repeatedly to discuss it in advance of the deadline, when the deadline arrived why didn't you just say "As you know, X needs sorting by tomorrow so unless you want to discuss it, I'll be doing Y"..?

BlueJava · 05/01/2019 13:32

It's hard to say without more details. Perhaps you've have just negotiated a new fixed deal mortgage rate with is fixed for 10 years and therefore better. Or perhaps you took out a loan over 10 years and he wasn't aware... The 2 are very different. First would be fine in my view, the second one not.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/01/2019 13:36

You have to get it out in the open. It’s ectremel unfair that you’ve tied him into something without his knowledge and could have massive implications.

I too have no idea why you didn’t give him a deadline and inform him of what you were doing as the deadline was approaching.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/01/2019 13:37

Er... extremely

Yulebealrite · 05/01/2019 13:41

It will be interesting to hear his reaction.

MeOldChina · 05/01/2019 13:46

He WBU by not discussing it but honestly, I think you should have said "this needs sorting, I am going to do X by Y date unless you can come up with a better alternative."

I think you've left yourself open to criticism by doing it without his knowledge.

IceRebel · 05/01/2019 13:50

I would be furious if dh tied both of us into something for the next 10 years and didn’t talk to me about it before he agreed to it.

Agreed! OP he didn't say no you couldn't do it, but equally he also didn't say yes.

If it was spending money on an expensive handbag that's one thing, but this is obviously a lot more money and will have pretty serious consequences for a considerable amount of time.

ViolaLucyofTirol · 05/01/2019 13:52

It would for me depend on something that HAD to be done.. or you just wanted to do!
Remortgage vs buying into an 'opportunity'

lottiegarbanzo · 05/01/2019 13:52

It doesn't matter what it was. He knew there was a deadline. You tried to engage him. Tough titties if he doesn't like it. If he criticises you, tell him you gave him every opportunity to discuss and would have welcomed his input but, someone had to take responsibility and that fell to you, willingly or not, as he's so unreliable - and isn't he bloody grateful it was done?

Yes, you could have been a teeny bit more explicit about intended course of action if no input but really, you tried to involve him, he actively resisted involvement.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/01/2019 13:54

Caveat, I'm writing about something on which a decision was required, not a totally discretionary purchase.

Singlenotsingle · 05/01/2019 13:58

A franchise?

ReaganSomerset · 05/01/2019 13:59

Can't be a remortgage surely? That wouldn't be particularly outing if discussed.

I agree that it depends entirely on what you did. If it actually had to be done, then I think it's kind of like people who don't vote in an election- they've no right to complain about the outcome. If it didn't, then yabu.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/01/2019 14:01

I would be absolutely furious. It's easy to be busy and he probably didn't envision you just going ahead, especially with no warning.

Can you get out of it? You seem to be changing your mind about whether it was a good idea.

How has he not noticed? Is he legally involved or just you?

morningconstitutional2017 · 05/01/2019 14:01

If he never found the time to discuss it with you, he can hardly blame you if he doesn't agree with the outcome. All you can do is remind him that he had the opportunity but he didn't take it. Harsh perhaps but maybe he'll cooperate more next time.

Augusta2012 · 05/01/2019 14:01

YABU. You should have told him ‘If you haven’t discussed it by x date I will decide on my own’. He deserved a warning.

Juells · 05/01/2019 14:01

There was a deadline. He wouldn't give an opinion. You had to make a choice so you did. It's very clearcut IMO.

Was he making a choice by not committing and waiting for the deadline to pass, then he could throw his hands up and say it 'just happened' when it was what he wanted all along? If so, too bad. He should have been straight with you.