To think people are Cruel about big’ weddings?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

A few wedding threads have popped up this week. Awesome, as a 2019 bride I love a good wedding thread!

However, I’m shocked and bemused by the sheer disgust MANY people openly display towards big traditional weddings. I find them very rude and small minded!

No feelings spared - plain nasty comments and even name calling! Apparently anyone who pays more than £50 to nip down their local registry office is a total ‘MUG’ and terrible person? 🤔

These nasty opinions also seems to be one sided - no ‘big weddings’ reguarlh jump in to abuse smaller cheaper ones or make crass remarks- there are plenty of ‘I’d never spend £20k on a wedding- I’d rather lick a mouldy toilet seat’ commenters

But no (very few and usually only in retaliation to abuse)
‘I’d never have a tacky function room £1k wedding - I’d rather visit a public pool 🤢’

🤔 So I can only assume that either:
A- people having cheaper wedding are generally meaner
Or
B- the abuse of large weddings is actually driven by jealousy!

With our fail it sparks a big ‘race to the bottom competition’ between commenters trying to one up each other on ‘cheapeast possible wedding’ 😒 meanwhile I just sit here thinking ‘I like my castle wedding 😬’

EVERY TYPE OF WEDDING IS LOVELY!

AIBU to think that people need to just stop being trolls and making shitty negative comments?

• I do get that weddings need to be affordable but some people CAN afford to spend £10k+ on a wedding and that’s ok!

Op you sound very thoughtful regarding your guests. That's so nice to read. Have a beautiful fantastic day. Don't listen to people who complain at the costs. It's your day and your money. Big or small, it's the reason that people marry that is important.

N. B. I had a very small and cheap wedding because we were skint but it was lovely and a great day. Lol

@lipstickhandbagcoffee do you think you're portraying yourself well by declaring your prejudice towards "braying" middle class people (and weirdly, towards people called Frank?)

Sadly MN very often ends in bun fights around people accusing others of being....urgh....middle class". It is very much the case the more you can prove you are working class the more respect you get. It doesn't matter what you post about it always comes back to someone (generally the same people) ranting about what class/wealth another person is perceived to have and how it is vulgar and a disgrace and unfair on the rest of society. They wait till someone posts a price tag or something about a horse or the country and bing there is begins........

Boule you do realise some people physically don’t have family to invite? Through death, estrangement, lack of siblings etc. It’s a bit judgemental to assume that a small number of guests means the couple are mealy-mouthed old misers. Likewise with friends - some people may have moved schools a lot in childhood or been bullied, or moved cities/countries in adulthood so don’t have the kind of friends that come with spending your entire life in one place, had mental health issues that make sustaining friendships hard. A small friendship group isn’t always a reflection on the person. No amount of money is going to buy family members or friends where there aren’t any!

Snout - I do understand that. I was going to say a lot more but its too outing. Suffice to say I know her very well as we grew up roads away from each other. She has a terrible reputation in the family for being really stingey (like charging OAP rellys for stamps) and is a bit odd with very few friends. Her husband is very abrasive and is estranged from his family (I think in connection to his previous marriage). His best man didnt make a speech just said cheers!

I feel very lucky, reading this thread, and MN generally on the subject, that I have lovely friends and family and have been to some fantastic weddings. They certainly don't all "blur into one" and I remember each one individually. None have been tacky or ostentatious and there were no bridezillas!

Sadly MN very often ends in bun fights around people accusing others of being....urgh....middle class".

More accurately, the wrong sort of middle class. Those with “vibrant and eclectic friends”
versus lawyers with 50k weddings. Academics versus small business owners. Rural versus city.

But all literate, educated and employed, with relatively stable home lives, values supporting education and work and so on. Middle class. Buying their own furniture.

Very few of the landed gentry on MN. And very few people titling if the tills and the production line either.

Titling if? Working on.

The ironic thing is you sound just as judgemental as the people you are moaning about.
It’s not about if people can afford it ,it’s usually about taste and the individual themselves .
Not everyone wants 500 wedding guests and a huge gown , some want low key and just close family .
I couldn’t care less who has what wedding tbh

I agree OP. My wedding was expensive in parts (venue and food) but I saved money in other places. Got my dress from a discount/ex display/seconds shop (6k designer dress used once in a wedding show..£300!!) and I made my own invitations. A relative made my cake.

My friend had a small reg office wedding and a small family meal in a lovely restaurant that they closed for her.

Both weddings were fab! As long as the bride and groom are happy and get the day they want then what does it matter?

weddings can be lovely whether expensive or cheap, its the people that matter.

what I think is sad is the huge number of women on the relationships board who reveal themselves to be in very precarious circumstances (SAHM, 2 young kids, all assets in DPs name) who say they "couldn't afford to get married" and have opened the way to an old-age of extreme poverty because of the dream of a fairy-tale wedding beyond their means.

@LipstickHandbagCoffee, I grew up in London in a council house and my family was pretty poor. Nevertheless at weddings I went to there was a free bar so I thought that was the norm.

When I met DH he said he had been to 2 family weddings in Lincolnshire where drinks had to be paid for and he though that was stingy and didn't want it for our wedding.

I asked where posters lived who say they have never been to a wedding with a free bar out of interest

Sadly MN very often ends in bun fights around people accusing others of being....urgh....middle class". It is very much the case the more you can prove you are working class the more respect you get.
I wouldn't have said so. There by far more threads on MN about middle class problems, getting the new hush collection, whether just saving a little will cover private fees etc.

Not everyone likes showy displays of wealth and not everyone who could afford to do things is going to think it's a good use of money. (E.g. DH and I could afford to have a new car every two years if we wanted, but we think it's a ridiculous thing to spend money on and find the whole thing a bit 'keeping up with the Jones', we probably could have afforded a £25k wedding if we wanted and saved up, but we think that it's a ridiculous use of money to spend tens of thousands on a party for a day. He's got a middle class background. I've got a working class background. Our views on frivolous spending and status symbols are the same)

I find it more likely on here that people claim others are jealous of them for having a different view on money, because obviously everyone wants to eb like them.

mydogisthebest I'm from the north of England and have never been to a wedding with a free bar.

PS. Sorry but my dog is, in fact, the best

Please can everyone stop spouting jealousy as a reason someone disagrees with you. The only person it shows in a bad light is you for assuming everyone must secretly want to be like you & want the same things. It's actually quite an arrogant assumption.

Mangoo, I was thinking that paying for drinks is/was more in the North of England.

PS your dog can also be the best (but please don't tell my dog!)

Mydog, that's so strange! I've never experienced it before or know anyone who has. Drinks on arrival and through the meal yes but not throughout the night.

Personally I don't mind and wouldn't expect anything more. I'd rather have to pay for a few drinks and share my friends day than have them worrying about forking out for my drinks.

I think often or not people have these big flashy expensive weddings and don’t understand the costs involved for their guest which causes resentment, travel in its out if it’s in the sticks so therefore having to pay for accommodation plus expensive over priced drinks, overpriced expensive hen dos and stags do with the expection to go, or wedding party paying for their attire whilst the bride and groom over spend on flowers.

Mangoo, I have been to 2 weddings where you had to pay for drink. It didn't really bother me although I found it strange. Me and DH barely drink though (I usually drink sparkling water) so it's never going to cost us much.

Although we had free drink for 100 guests it didn't cost that much. I can't remember exactly as it was so long ago! None of my family and friends are big drinkers though (in fact quite a few don't drink).

I did go to a wedding where drinks were free and so many people got really drunk, especially some of the men. It was awful there were a couple of fights and people throwing up in the loos and even one on the dance floor.

mydogisthebest That is what I would be worried about with a free bar. At the very least I can think of a few 18/19 year olds who would have got very drunk at family weddings with a free bar.

People who are rich enough to pay £20k for a wedding with the same financial impact a normal person might feel after paying £2 for a coffee and a sausage roll should be taxed until that's no longer the case.

People who scrimp and save to pay £20k for a wedding aren't very intelligent and usually not even that nice - the money tends to go on photographers and dresses and flowers because it's all about THEIR BIG DAY. When's the last time you heard of an actual open bar at a wedding? The last one I went to was 20+ years ago, and it was more of a £5k wedding and I guarantee that at least 3/4th of that money went on food and drink.

People who go into debt to pay £20k for a wedding are so monumentally stupid that I can only really feel sorry for them. They've been seriously let down by the people who should have taught them better, at some point.

People who are rich enough to pay £20k for a wedding with the same financial impact a normal person might feel after paying £2 for a coffee and a sausage roll should be taxed until that's no longer the case.

You do realise they'll have already been taxed, right? Do you mean that you'd like to seize their assets?

I haven't read all 18 pages but have skimmed through. Apologies if this has already been said.

My DD (late 20's) has been asked to be bridesmaid at one of her best friends weddings, later this year. Bride will be paying for her dress, plus dresses for the other 3 bridesmaids. However, DD (and the others) will need to buy shoes, at a cost of £50, as bride wants them matching. They also have to pay for their own hair up on the day. This wedding will take place 4 hours drive away, as it's the bride's dream to get married at this location. DD will need to take the weekend off work, plus pay for accommodation for the weekend. DD has 2 young children. I will have the children so she won't have to pay child care costs. Other friends don't have family who can help out. It's a child free wedding.

On top of this there has been a fb group chat set up for hen weekend, in Benidorm. The deposits have to be in by the end of this month. Total cost is 'only' £399!

The reception will be held under a marqeet, 15 miles away from the wedding venue. Most people will be travelling by public transport from home to the wedding venue. No transport laid on by bridal party for guests to get from wedding venue to reception, or back to accommodation.

Bride and groom have lived together for years. They have one child and another due shortly.

Bride was onto DD last night, crying, as not many people have RSVP'd. Is it any wonder??

DD had a lovely wedding. Local church, local restaurant, local club for night do. 50 family and close friends for wedding. Party for friends and acquaintances in the night. Everyone made it and all said how much they enjoyed.

The only person who is interested in their wedding is the bride and groom. Nobody else cares how much you pay OP. All guests care about is how much they have to pay, how far they have to travel and how much time it will eat into their lives. And how much they have to forsake for the 'privilege' of attending a function they have no real interest in.

I don’t really drink so a free bar is not a biggie at any event for me frankly
Weddings and the associated fripperies eg wedding favours,place cards,are an example of unnecessary and often profligate spending
It’s deeply embedded,the notion of spesh big day with a tick list of items it lacks imagination
profligate Spending on a 1day event (I know it can be 2-3day) is foolhardy and a bit vulgar

Other issue I can’t fathom is women cohabiting with man they both want to marry,but they won’t plan a wedding until they can afford a big spesh day. The marriage delayed because they can’t afford a wedding

We spent 12k on a wedding that could have cost about 18k if I hadn’t negotiated like a demon and called in various favours. We won a competition at a wedding fayre which provided something we wanted but probably wouldn’t have paid for.

We had a great day, our guests enjoyed it and if anyone whinged about the cost of attendance I’d be happy for them not to come. We asked not to have gifts, people brought them anyway. People were free to wear anything they wanted. We paid for hotel rooms for the few guests who travelled from afar. If anyone decided to buy a new outfit, stay overnight when they lived nearby or buy us a gift, that was their choice. Some brought alcohol with them because they refused to pay the bar prices.

We could afford to pay for it so I couldn’t care less if anyone thinks it’s vulgar. Sure, we could have spent the money on something else. Just like nobody needs to spend money on having fun ever. We don’t spend a couple of grand every year on holidays abroad because it’s not our thing. We don’t splash out on stuff for the house because we don’t need to. We choose to spend our money how it suits us, it’s not anyone’s place to judge us.