To think DS needs professional help urgently?

[JugheadismyHero]

Ds11 just broke down on me. Showed me a note he's written saying "kill me before I do something". He says he thinks about killing him self every night.

Wtf do I do!?!?

He's in no danger at the moment as far as I'm aware but who knows?

Do I phone 111 or do I wait until morning??

Do I take him to a&e??

When he was 10 he would walk out in front of cars, he would drop his dads weights onto his feet or legs to hurt himself. We saw gp's, cyps who said he wasn't depressed, wasn't suicidal. Even though he told them he was!!

He had counselling and we thought he had gone past this but now...

I'm just lost, someone help me to help him..

DD's behaviour was often seen as attention-seeking, but it's a cry for help. It can be hard though, and people can be judgemental.

DP also didn't get it for a long time, he couldn't see what could possibly be wrong with her. Her life - particularly in comparison to his early years - was wonderful.

We got her admitted to a private in-patient psychiatric facility today, 2 weeks after she turned 16. I'm not entirely sure how it will go, it could trigger her into a meltdown but she seems happy to be there - she'll have a lot of support with psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health nurses. I suspect she may be on the more unwell end of the scale, even with the fairly hefty amounts of anti-psychotics and anti-depressants she's taking she's still threatening to kill herself.

Our goal is to get her off the medication she's taking and teach her self-managing techniques for stress and emotional overload. Also to meet other young people with a similar condition so she has more support and understanding within her peer group.

I think the point of my essay is - you're doing the right thing. If you can understand that your DS needs help at 11, you stand a chance of getting the right therapy and treatment early. As you've seen, there are real challenges with the mental health provision, so if you can put something in place with health insurance, you'll have a lot more options, and in my experience, the health cover is not overly (comparatively) expensive when they are so young - with a caveat that I don't know what private services are available for his age group.

I have cover for extras, such as remedial massage and acupuncture, which I've also used to support DD's mental health [with varying success].

I think you are doing the right thing if he has made a plan with the head of year. You sound as though you have been extremely supportive and it is that balance about him realising you love him unconditionally and are always there for him, but you are right that you don’t want him to feel guilty about your distress. It is good for him to feel that he can make choices to help himself - it’s not all about you doing everything for him .
I have been taken aback at some of the suggestions about him being sectioned. The police cannot section someone and it should really only happen in very exceptional circumstances where there is no other choice. Removing control from someone and taking them from a loving family to a psychiatric ward is a huge thing to do.( It can be very helpful in some circumstances )
Sadly there is no “quick fix” ,but it sounds like you are doing all the right things . It is so difficult though. Forums like these are very supportive at times but sometimes responses are very black and white to complex situations , and people don’t have enough information on which to base their response .

@knotswapper I don't know what to say except I'm thinking of you and your DD.

I admit I'm really struggling with this, zero support from anyone except you lovely lot on here so thankyou thankyou thankyou!!

Leaving ds at school is in my opinion the best idea. The teachers have training and experience for this - I don't. He has discussed a plan for today and agreed to see it through, he is being monitored by an adult who isn't emotionally attached like I am to him. He may even open up to one of them without feeling guilty (he has said he doesn't want to tell me some things as he doesn't like to upset me).

I feel that the head of year has shown him that they value him as a person by listening and discussing plans with him. Instead of me dragging him home where he will argue with his younger brother all day.

The poor lad. I felt that way when I was his age, and no-one took me seriously either. Unmumsnetty hugs for him and you, it must be terrifying for you.

Does the school have a counsellor available?

That would be an immediate help because they know the child and are there for just this sort of situation.

@jughead thank you although I don't want to derail your thread.

I think if you are getting support from school then that's absolutely invaluable. We took DD out of the private system after 10 years and found that her local public school was much better able to support her.

They have been truly amazing and much more understanding. Her psychiatrist also says that being in school is much better than out of school.

I think you are doing exactly the right things here. I have been through it all with my DD too.

Whilst I do understand those saying collect him from school, it often isn't the best thing to do, especially if the Head of Year has now had discussions with him and is confident that they can keep him safe in school. In addition, DS has agreed to the school plan, and has said that he prefers to remain in school.

My own experience with my DD has been that she too has preferred to remain in school as much as possible. She has serious depression and anorexia. She already feels her depression has set her apart from her peer group more than is ideal, and being regularly collected from school would make it even harder to continue to fit in. So we have a care plan agreed with school, which she has also signed (she is 16 and in lower sixth form). I have only collected her a couple of times, when school actually felt it was best, and before the plan had been fully discussed and agreed.

I am sure your DH and your mother mean well, but they are being very ignorant here. Maybe you will need to be prepared to tell them bluntly that if they can't be supportive or at least not judgemental then they must butt out for DS's sake. I can't be confident of my DH's reactions to DD 100% of the time, not because he doesn't want to be supportive, but because he just really doesn't get it. As a pp said, he looks at all the reasons why he thinks DD's life is good (and it is, even she admits that) and he doesn't understand why that isn't all that is needed to snap her out of her clinical depression. So DH is not involved in her treatment, and gets a sanitised version of what is going on from me (having discussed with DD first).

Good luck to you today. Keep pushing for the right treatment. It can seem like an impossibly long road with one obstacle after another in the way, but hopefully with the support of your GP you will get there.

One of the nursing team rang and we had a good chat. He said there is nothing they can do except refer to counselling which I've already done and waiting for them to get back to me.

Gp's and camhs would just refer ds to counselling, he said himself there isn't much available for ds's age.

He's going to check in with me again next Monday and possibly arrange for ds to meet with him for a chat, if ds will talk

Attention seeking it is A ghastly pejorative term.lacks empathy & understanding
Nothing in itself wrong with asking for attention to be paid to ones mental health

I would go the other way - there's nothing wrong with attention seeking. He clearly needs attention.

Attention seeking and a "cry for help" are exactly the same thing. It's only become pejorative because it's misused.

I haven't read the full thread but in my area there is a cyp haven for children as an alternative to a&e. I hope he gets the help he needs

zigzag do you have experience of cyp haven? I'm trying to get DS along to our local service but he won't go currently.

OP have you researched OCD?

There are loads of helpful articles if you google them. Perhaps you could get him to read some and see if he identifies with having intrusive thoughts, especially the fear of harming someone? This is what I think the notes imply...

I know you’ve probably tried to get him to talk already....have you specifically said that you will listen without getting angry, upset or thinking he’s stupid etc. Just tell him he can tell you anything and you won’t be shocked at all and there will be no consequences.

People with OCD often feel stupid and very scared about their thoughts. Identifying the fear(s) is the first step.

Personally I would make a referral to your local MASH in the morning. I.e. childrens’ social care. Often having a social worker assigned can get the right treatment faster and they can access services you can’t without a social worker. Also they may be able to signpost other support that could help him or you as a family.

I am a DSL in a school and I would make the referral myself if a child was presenting in school with these sorts of thoughts.

MASH Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub manage potential safeguarding there is no SG issue here,no SGA to raise

Also MASH may simply pass any referral to Mental Health service
Local Authority will have a threshold for SW allocation, what is the actual social care issue? LA can signpost to charities like
Young Minds

Referral to local authority won’t in itself result in SW allocation. The threshold for allocation is high. Any Referral will be triaged

Ooohh logged in with old account 😂 hopefully @mnhq will fix that

No advice just wanted to send a hand hold. Xxx

Ds is happy today. He had a good day at school after he calmed down. Still awake now though, he just can't settle.

I will have a proper look at asd and ocd on google tomorrow. If anyone could recommend any good sites to read??

When ds was 2 his brother was born and ds changed, I assumed jealousy. He stopped hugs and kisses completely and just wanted to be independent. When he was 6 his sister was born and he changed again. Non stop hugs and kisses for me, following me around like a shadow. Now if I'm watching tv or reading on sofa he will get as close as possible and snuggle up for cuddles.

Also bullying started when he was 6. School were unhelpful as usual. The child left 3 years later and bullying started from other boys. In and out of school, again useless school so I involved police as ds was suicidal. We ended up moving out of the area and homeschooling.

Well if he can't settle bring him down, hot choc, hug, cuddle.

My friends son used to do a similar thing. She took him to CAMHS who diagnosed him with ADHD and on the autism spectrum. Hope you both get the help and support he needs

Today he was so slow at getting up. We need to leave at 8:15 ideally and he was still in bed at 8. He doesn't have keys so I have to wait for him to leave the house before I can take his younger siblings to school. He ended up coming with me and I walked him to school too.

I rang his school on the way and arranged for his head of year to meet us for a meeting, thankfully she made time for us. Ds couldn't pinpoint why he didn't want to get up, or go to school. But she's happy for him to come in late, not too late but she understood getting up in the mornings and getting out of the house can be a battle and she praised him for getting to school today. He was happier when I left him and he called at lunch laughing with his friends.

Now I just have to explain to the younger dc's school why they may be late in the mornings for a while

Counselling team have called today and they can see him mid February, with the same counsellor he saw previously.

Positive news for a change!

Did he like that counsellor Jughead? Mid-February is a long time so I'd check once a week for cancellations, tell them if he is getting worse etc. But I am really glad you feel positive about it. How is DS today?

@DishingOutDone yes he liked the counsellor, said he would only talk to him. So it was worth a try and luckily he has space for him. It's a long wait but if we went via a referral he would be waiting until March/April.

He's good today, once he got into school anyway. I'm having to take him in late and "hand off" to his head of year, no problems today when I left him.

He says he just wants to stay with me so the extra 5/10 minutes walking to his school after dropping off his siblings is hopefully helping him.