Oh god, my husband is doing 'the voice' and 'the shuffle'

[iveneversaidanything]

He told me his teeth were 'chattering' when he got changed for bed 😂

Oh I shouldn't laugh! Also hope he's not as bad as he says because I don't want it want the baby to get it

My DH used to do a lot of this, but thankfully seems to have outgrown much of it.

I remember him at home with a heavy cold one day. He fell asleep on the sofa and woke up half an hour later telling me that he was obviously so ill that he was just drifting in and out of consciousness. I quashed that one by saying "No, you just fell asleep and woke up later on".

I’ve been with DH for 10 years and in that time he’s had 2 colds, and just got on with life. I had to force him to stay in bed for a day after he was hospitalised with quinsy!
My dad on the other hand...

Another one thanking the divorce here!
My ex had ski thermals specifically bought because it's so important to keep your neck warm if you're ill. He wouldn't take tablets of any sort, so had to be a brave soldier,
His mum used to get cross I wasn't providing a high enough standard of care also, and whoever mentioned "poorly farts"
they were never his fault, getting a sore throat always affected his digestion.
Aah, and last week when I was ill, the children accepted that we'd do what we could but noone created merry hell I was slacking off "thinking I was ill". I was never taken seriously when ill, clearly I should have bought ski thermals to signal the validity of my illness!

Never mind poorly farts, what about poorly shits? My DS has poorly shits that are like a mixture of Zyklon B and Napalm.

doing Poorly Farts

Christine, how do "Poorly Farts" differ from normal farts? I need to know, as DH farts copiously whether he's poorly or not. I'd hate to misdiagnose him on the basis of his farts.

waddles about like a new born penguin with Rickets

We need video of this. The description is fantastic, the real thing must be even better.

Have you considered inviting David Attenborough round? He'd do a great commentary.

Mines poorly too. How do I know? Well it because he’s talking with a fucking lisp. 20 plus years together and he speaks with a lisp when he doesn’t feel 100%

When my DH does all this I video him asking him to describe his symptoms in detail on camera "so we have something to show the doctors when you are taken to A&E in an ambulance". Shuts him right up. I always know when he is genuinely ill as he doesn't do any of it and refuses any help or medical assistance!

I hate to alarm those of you who are currently taking the piss out of ministering to the sick, but if these poorly bastards have the same lurgy that DP had a couple of weeks before Christmas, they may end up like him and get ... SINUSITIS!

This is a matter of such severity that mere bog roll and tissues will not suffice, oh no - this beast produces such copious volumes of snot that it requires a whole kitchen roll to be kept about the person at all times. If the volume of this vile gloop diminishes, the pain becomes so severe that DP is forced to half-fill a washing up bowl with boiling water, throw a towel over his head and inhale steam until he is producing a veritable deluge of mucus.

This is then followed by hours of nose-blowing that makes such a fucking awful racket that I wouldn't blame the neigbours if they reported him for noise nuisance. Once this has subsided, I get about an hour of peace and quiet before he's awake again and "in agony" because of his sinuses.

We've had so many bowls of boiling water on the kitchen table, the heat has removed the varnish, and got through so much kitchen roll I'm wondering if we can get it on prescription.

On Friday, he finally did what I suggested before Christmas and got an appointment with the doctor, who prescribed amoxicillin. I'm pleased to report the sinusitis is much improved and we are no longer living in Snot City. But I want to kill him for making me suffer unnecessarily for 2 weeks by refusing to go to the bloody doctor ...

Lollypop a lisp! A lisp! Dear God, how have you not killed him? Have you? You should.

Is he insured? Could you get a critical illness payout?

It is the opposite here. I am useless when I am ill. My husband doesn't moan when he is ill and carries on like normal for the most part.

I am useless at being ill. I moan a lot and feel sorry for myself. Drives DH up the wall because he is such a 'get on with it' person.

*'Christine, how do poorly farts differ from normal farts?'
*
Well, from my experience, they are louder than usual and accompanied by a weak mewl of pain, an agonised expression and the announcement 'poorly farts!' as if that excuses the resulting stink.

Personally I think the increase of farts, and their velocity, is caused by all the sighing he does when he's ill. He's obviously taking in more air!

Ooh, Christine, don't forget to add shuffling with ostentatiously clenched buttocks pre-eruption and the tender belly massage post-eruption to the list of 'poorly farts' symptoms.

DH is usually heard to be muttering "I must have eaten something bad" rather than announcing 'poorly farts'.

Christine you're a saint, woe betide anyone who emits weak mewls of pain near me. XH used to ask for willy cuddles, i supplied them in sheer desperation.

What on earth is a willy cuddle?

willy cuddles

willy cuddles

No, you're obviously suffering so I'll leave you alone.

Willy cuddles!!!

What the fuck is a willy cuddle? I can only try to imagine. Sounds like a classic.

Bah. I want to join in but apart from getting extra grumpy my DH is stoical and just wants to be left alone (as in no fussing, not actually being on his own IYSWIM).

Oh Ladies, who hasn't soothed their OH with a willy cuddle at one time or another. It's sex without much effort. He liked it best when i made meeep meeep meeep reversing noises and then a kshhhheeeewww noise when the loader was correctly lowered.

After we were separated he once rang me and said. "I've got a bad back" i said "forget it pal".

Oh wait, just remembered. "I'm too sick to wank".

Never mind poorly farts, what about poorly shits? My DS has poorly shits that are like a mixture of Zyklon B and Napalm.

That made me laugh My Ex had shits that approached this as a normal thing. DS can be bad, so can DD, but nowhere near Ex's level.

He liked it best when i made meeep meeep meeep reversing noises and then a kshhhheeeewww noise when the loader was correctly lowered.

Actually, that kshhhheeeewww noise is just what DP sounds like when he clears his sinuses. The other night I wondered who the fuck was having shopping delivered at 2.45 am.

I chortled away at this thread yesterday, today DH has had to leave work early to spite me due to a relapse of his previous Man Flu.
He has deigned to come downstairs, though is clad in the Noel Cowardesqe dressing gown of doom and a pair of penguin patterned pyjama bottoms.
DS has taken to muttering weakly "I wish I could get rid of this cold" in a pretty accurate representation of DH, every time he issues forth- it's like DH is in stereo