To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

[SpottedTiger]

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

I'd keep working if I was him but you'll get lots of opinions on that. Leaving work is easier in the short term but a lot harder long term, especially for men, sadly.

If @SpottedTiger hadn't used the phrase full-time job she may have got an answer to actual question!

Her DH has been seriously ill and I suspect (?) he is not 100% now.... As a family you need to make the best decision for all of you. As OP says her DH should be able to find another MW job when the family is ready for him to return.

Sorry the original question has been sidelined.

@DeepIn40 how is it insulting that a SAHP considers themselves to have a job?

Is it the not being paid thing, or what?
Is it because you do to a lesser extent what I do during the day by virtue of the fact you are somewhere else?

The reasons I consider it a job are as follows: it is not just the responsibility, having to be in certain places at certain times of the day day in day out, the long hours, the ongoing performance management as mothers we all face culturally and socially job or not ,judgement and repetition of tasks on a varying ranges of scales. It is also the fact that my husband actually pays a certain amount of money each week into our joint account from his wages to do things as well as leave me with specific responsibilities. That's because we work as a team and we delegate things to each other. He might not be my boss or my employer but he provides me with a "wage" to be a SAHP and do a multitude of things. Quite a fair whack actually. It's definitely more that a lot of P/T salaries so does that cover the job aspect? Or not?

I don't understand why working parents are so intent of smashing the notion that not having a paid job but working round the clock to care for your own children and probably having money to do so is as valuable a contribution.

Some things don't have to have a price to be valuable

I found all the fulltime jobs I've had far easier than being a SAHP. Do what is right for your family, no-one elses view matters. Your husband would be knackered working PT too, and that would affect everyone. If you don't need the money then it's an easy choice.

@CookPassBabtridge see you have a similarly influence username

I'm always amazed at the people who think looking after other people's children is remotely comparable to looking after their own. As far as I'm concerned, looking after other people's children is a chore, whereas looking after my own is a joy. How sad not to see any difference.

I worked full time when dd was a baby, but had no commute and did a split shift so that most of the hours I worked were when she was asleep - we had four hours of childcare in our own home in the morning, two of which coincided with dd's nap time. Then I'd go back to work in the evenings while DH stayed at home with dd. I also did all of the night wakings as I continued to breastfeed until dd was nearly 3. So yes, there were a couple of hours of active childcare that I missed out on, but actually I did do most of the stuff that a SAHP does. Same once she started school, as we didn't use any paid childcare from that point.

For me, the time I had at home with dd every day was definitely my time "off". My job was mentally and emotionally very demanding, so childcare responsibilities absolutely felt like a welcome break. Had I regarded that time as work, I suspect I'd have hit burnout after a few months.

Of course, I realise it would have been harder if dd had been a more difficult child or if I had had multiple children. For me, though, if looking after my own (NT) dc felt as hard as working in the kind of jobs that I'm used to, I'd take that as a sign that I wasn't suited to the SAHP role and start thinking about alternative arrangements. Of course, it's very different when you are caring for a disabled child or one with complex health needs, but I'd regard that role as more of a carer than a SAHP.

On the basis of my own experience, I don't see why the OP's DH couldn't go out in the evenings and do some part time hours after looking after baby in the day. However, there is no reason why he should do this, unless he and/or the OP actually want that. While I don't personally think being a SAHP is an actual job, it's a perfectly valid lifestyle choice if both partners are happy with the arrangement, and other people's opinions on the matter should not matter one jot.

No it isn't, I was going mad with boredom when we had two, 21 months apart, I finished up doing an OU degree for my sanity.

Why do people always trot out the “Working parents do the exact same things SAHP do just in less hours” bullshit?

If you’re talking about housework maybe. But the OP seems to be referring to childcare. Of course no-one working full-time spends the same hours taking care of the baby/child. It’s complete & utter nonsense to say they do.

I’ve done both BTW & currently work full time. Being a SAHP to pre-schoolers, for me, is considerably tougher than going out to work. Mainly from the lack of support and/or grown up conversation!

OP - do whatever works best for your family & don’t be afraid to review it as required.

However, please don't call a SAHP a full- time job. Yes it's full- time as in takes up all your time but it is not a job. It's also an insult to us apparent part-time parents.

And yet it is perfectly fine for a WOHP to claim they are parenting full time and whinge about how looking after children isn't a job? Funny how it's OK to insult the people who have chosen the opposite path to you whilst simultaneously whinging about them insulting you.

The primary definition of "job" in Chambers dictionary is "any individual piece of work" no. 4 is "someone's proper business or responsibility". Both can be applied to full time childcare.

Anyway, I'm out. This is just the same bollocks as always. It's ridiculous.

OP, you seem to be taking a very sensible approach.

Tiny children need care. This can be provided by family or by paying someone else to do it, but somebody has to be watching them! If your DH has been/is unwell, and has a job that doesn’t earn as much as childcare would cost and he doesn’t enjoy, taking on the care seems perfectly sensible.

It’s a shame this thread has been sidelined by a lot of people taking offence about SAHP/WOHP/part time. There are lots of different ways of providing the care a child needs. As a teacher, I’ve seen all sorts of different parenting styles, and I don’t think there is a perfect solution! Plenty of kids do well having been in a well chosen and caring childcare setting. Some don’t do so well. Some kids have wonderful memories of SAHP that were by their side through thick and thin. Others felt smothered or lacked a role model for their own choices I later life. You just have to make the best choice you can for your own family situation. If a child feels loved and cared for, everything else tends to come out in the wash later.

Being a stay at home parent to a tiny baby is tough. It’s generally not as time consuming as an actual job, which is why some people feel like they have a lot of time on their hands, and also why people are sometimes able to combine it with other things. But that’s part of what makes it mentally tough. It can be very isolating and make you feel very unsure of what you are doing, especially for dads who are sometimes less welcomed into toddler groups. Personally, I was very glad to go back part time when my DD was 1, as I wanted some more variety in my life! But I have a job that I love, not everyone feels the same way.

If your DH wants to pick up a part time job in the evenings, that might be a nice change for him. But it might mean you wouldn’t have any time together as parents, which I think would be a shame if it’s not a necessity. Besides, if he’s doing night wakings (which I assume will be the case if you are working full time) he might want a bit of time to relax or be an adult! He also might want to be able to go out on the occasional evening, either on his own or with you. I can’t see the advantage of taking on a job he doesn’t need unless he wants one. It is nice for you that you are in a position of being able to choose, good for you.

all these parents who work but still do exactly the same amount of parenting as the SAHP do

That isn’t true though. You send your child to nursery to be parented by them for 10 hours while you’re at work. Fed, changed, toileted, rocked, comforted, played with, read to. You only parent for 14 hours a day instead of 24 hours like a SAHP does. Not saying there’s anything wrong with that, just pointing out that you DON’T do exactly the same amount of parenting.

@Lauriemarlow
‘The fanasy’ for me is escaping the ‘24/7’ and getting to do something else for myself. As I said, I’ve worked ft with 3 little ones, but I’ll be honest, it’s so much easier to run a house kids and job. Everything was so more structured. We were all out the house all day so it was tidy when we got home. It’s hectic working but emotionally and psychologically it definately has its advantages.
Nobody is suggesting working parents have an easy time. It’s a very different time.
Having a conversation without someone climbing up your leg is so missed. Drinking a coffee whikst hot is so missed. Being called ‘by my name’ as opposed to ‘mum, mummy’
Using the telephone and not having fireman Sam or wailing in the back ground. Having a wee without a toddler pointing ‘what’s that mummy?’

Some of us are just explaining in support of op that staying at home is pretty tough. Nobody is personally judging either choice.
I still haven’t managed to put knickers on yet and it’s 11am.
Some working parents spend the whole time working, feeling guilty about leaving kids in childcare but have no choice financially.
It’s tough both ways in different ways

"You send your child to nursery to be parented by them for 10 hours while you’re at work."

They are not being "parented" at the nursery. Cared for yes. Parented no.

They are not being "parented" at the nursery. Cared for yes. Parented no.

Nurseries neither care for nor parent children. They develop them in accordance with a government mandated curriculum.

Home day today- up at 7.30. Have pottered with toddler and watched a bit of tv. Will now do beakfast but she’s already helped herself to a yogurt and banana so just need to sort me out really. Will have time for a coffee. I’d normally do an activity in the morning but term hasn’t started so we’ll potter and maybe go to the park instead. I’ll do some washing and vacuuming and do lunch. She’ll then have a 2 hour nap while I do a bit of work. I’ve got a delivery this afternoon which will need sorting and then we’ll play and make dinner. My husband will do bath and bedtime when he comes back

This sounds amazing. I can’t watch tv EVER because my child requires my full attention. If he isn’t constantly supervised he’ll touch the dog or the electric sockets or the oven, turn the knobs on the hob and gas us both, bash the furniture, fall over, pull a stool on top of himself, or just cry because he isn’t being held and getting attention. He NEVER sits still. I can easily spend an hour on cooking and doing a silly spoon dance while I try to put food in his mouth 3x a day. If I do any housework I have a heavy baby strapped to my front because he won’t let me put him down. If he naps I have to hold him and daren’t move or make a sound. In fact I’ll probably need to nap myself because I’ve been woken up 10x during the night and I’m exhausted to the point of hallucinating. Last night I was awake till 5am because the baby would not sleep. And my husband won’t even be home from work by bath and bedtime so I’ll have to do that too. There’s certainly no chance of me going to an evening class because I have a child to look after and nobody to leave him with. Not everyone’s parenting experience is so easy.

@eatmycheese
Haha, I was obviously multi tasking at the time, trying to find my knickers, still removing snot from my ear, trying to find the remote (possibly wrapped up in my knickers somewhere when I used them to wipe the last load of snot from my glasses.
Latte? I’d have to bloomin do an hours battle to get the rugrats dressed so I can load up the pushchair and sprint to the co op. Not to mention the negotiating dog poo, dopey pedestrians and the trolleys left in the middle of the isles.
What day is it we get paid again? If you give me your number we can arrange a meet up Prosecco lunch.

It is a full time job when they are small, whether a parent or a childminder is doing it. But when they are at nursery or school he could take up PT work again if it works for you both to do it that way. It sounds like you and your husband have come up with a plan that you're both happy with and family and friends are the ones who are making an issue of it. Just tell them firmly that you are both happy with your choice.

OP, without getting lost in the same old, same old MN arguments, do what works for your family.

The rest is bollocks

Silkei - how old is your child?

Sahp do exactly the same as wahp. They Just have more time to do things.

Work at home parents? I don’t think that’s what you meant.

Sure, it’s exactly the same, except for the 8+ hours of childcare a day.

Of course it’s a full time job. I’ve had some crazy stressful jobs, and they were like a spa break compared to looking after my twins. I work part time now for a break!

Silkei - how old is your child?
11mo. Very clingy and high needs. Doesn’t sleep. Most days I just focus on surviving and not passing out through exhaustion.

Trying to keep tiny human/s alive all day can be relentless and stressful, i never felt the same stress for work targets if I’m honest but I do think it depends on your job as well, mine wasn’t too bad tbh! I do find being a SAHM that’s it’s lovely to have nobody on your back and being also able having home comforts is lovely. It’s nice also to go to sleep at night and know if ds has a bad night he can sleep later without having to rush him to childcare or anywhere and I could nap with him the next day which I couldn’t do if I was a working parent. I do think both can have their trials and tribulations and that and there’s no easy option: what suits one person wouldn’t necessarily suit another for example.

and also having*

that there’s*