To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

[SpottedTiger]

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

My DH works “full time” and some more. He is a “full-time parent” in the sense of the noun, however he is obviously not a “full time parent” in the sense of the verb, because he is not physically doing the act of direct parenting full time. He is otherwise engaged.

If I was out of the house 8-6, we would employ a nanny. I would never be so obtuse as to claim that I’m still parenting “full-time” That would be tantamount to treating the nanny as if she didn’t exist. Or deluding myself that most of my child’s life experience doesn’t happen between the hours of 8-6. I would still be a “full time parent,” as a noun of course, (who else is the mother)? and going to work is obviously an essential part of “parenting” if you need the money. But the direct act of parenting would fall to someone else between 8-6, so I could not claim to be a “full time parent” in the sense of the verb.

@Spudsandspanners
I think in some ways it is hard work, but it's not the same as getting up at 6am, going to work, getting back and having dinner, a mountain of cleaning and children to see to and trying to organise the rest of your life in your lunch breaks (if you get one) at work. You have less time and that is the thing that is harder about being a working parent
I m a SAHM of a toddler and preschooler and get up at 5am, am pretty much on the go for the whole day (no lunch break!) and still have a mountain of cleaning, tidying and life admin to get through with my DH once the DC are asleep at night. Believe it or not, I'm not incredibly inefficient but my children are demanding so need pretty much constant attention, don't nap consistently or at the same time and having them at home creates so much work that you are often lucky if you end the day in a better state than you started it. Also my DC absolutely cannot stand to spend a full morning or afternoon in the house without a major deterioration in their behaviour so there are absolutely no PJ days or lazy days for me either.

I can understand from a WOHP perspective that it can be difficult to understand how being at home can be harder than working, but many SAHPs will testify that this is their experience. Equally many will find being a SAHP easier than being a WOHP so there is no consensus on this, but I wouldn't assume that SAHPs have oodles more time as it clearly isn't always the case.

@eatmycheese
I couldn’t agree more with you. Oh god if only being a sahm meant pissing about in pj’s and drinking lattes.
It’s sad really because lots of working parents on here seem to be very defensive.
I used to work ft with 3 children (lone parent) no family support of neighbours. I had to get 3 buses to get my ds to primary and I can still say that time was far easier than being a sahm.
Now asahm with 2 under 3, oh god, I fantasise about slipping in my heels, doing my makeup, actually brushing my hair following a wake up shower.
Reality is, I’m sat here in trackies, no knickers (couldn’t switch light on as baby was asleep so couldn’t find any) Brought toddler down. He sneezed so I literally had snot in my ear and hair. Coffee gone cold. Wet nappies have leaked so now have to strip the bed and cot. Lunch break? Whazzat? Even to have made a sandwich without actually eating it would be a revelation. The babies however eat continually. The best I get is a pre sucked but if toast or a wotsit.
Even just not having adult conversation about anything other than kids is frazzling.
An hours build up to get the little devils dressed and strapped in purely to leg it to the co op for milk is a military mission in itself.
It’s a privilege to be s sahm, but it is a ft job plus more. It’s 24/7 with little or no time off.
There’s no break to the cycle. It’s physically, mentally and emotionally hard work at times.
Most things in excess are never as much fun as in moderation. Wft, I loved my weekends and evenings with kids. Now I’m sahp, it makes no bloody difference except just more bodies in the house which equals more chaos, more mess more work.

childcare is effectively imputed income for SAHP meaning you don't pay for the service because you are providing it to yourself.

Yes! Why are so many people incapable of seeing this?

In that case I have two full time jobs.. ..

Doesn't your employer mind that you take your child into work and care for them during the working day?

So much depends on individual job and the child.

Working day yesterday- up at 5.30, long commute, full day of meetings including a complex contract negotiation, rush home for nursery pick up and rush back out the door at 7 for a class.

Home day today- up at 7.30. Have pottered with toddler and watched a bit of tv. Will now do beakfast but she’s already helped herself to a yogurt and banana so just need to sort me out really. Will have time for a coffee. I’d normally do an activity in the morning but term hasn’t started so we’ll potter and maybe go to the park instead. I’ll do some washing and vacuuming and do lunch. She’ll then have a 2 hour nap while I do a bit of work. I’ve got a delivery this afternoon which will need sorting and then we’ll play and make dinner. My husband will do bath and bedtime when he comes back.

Both days are very different but today will be a lot more relaxed.

Because they don't want to SoupDragon , no other explanation I can think of.

Yabu for calling looking after your own kid a job.

Yanbu for him not going back to work if he doesn’t want to.

Some people make things so much more complicated than it needs to be. Staying home all day is nothing like working.

I haven’t rtft beyond the first few pages

There are two issues for your dh to consider.

One, as you have already identified, is the demands of the role of a sahp. Done well, it is exhausting and consuming. It deserves respect but, as you can see, gets very little. Which leads to the next consideration.

A gap in employment will damage your dh’s credibility in the job market. What you say about entry level employment, not being on a career track etc makes sense. I think you imagine that he’s at point one on a career ladder so if he steps off he can just start again at point one in a year or two. But he will be competing with fresh graduates/ younger people who don’t have a dubious gap to explain. Sahp doesn’t answer the gap questions; it raises more. As is readily apparent on this thread many people think sahp= time waster/ lazy. This will count against him. He won’t be starting from point one; he’ll be starting from the minus numbers. It may not be insurmountable but it will more difficult.

You both may want to consider whether he will rise to that kind of challenge or be buckled under it.

Keeping up some kind of employment may be better for him in the long term. It may be better for him in the short term too as being a sahp can be a drain on mental and emotional well being.

Or it may be too much to juggle, and detrimentally impact on the quality of care that a small child deserves.

It’s a complex issue that you have to consider in light of the needs of all members of the family.

Don’t underestimate your own needs either. Carrying the financial burden for a family is hard and when one partner isn’t earning independently it does funny things to the balance of power in a relationship.

Try to step away from the judgement all attitudes that just about everyone you consult will bring to this issue and consider it carefully and with clear sight.

@Ozziewozzie My wxperience is very similar to yours. My 3 days going into work and farming childcare to the CM are soooo much easier than my days at home.

I get up at 0500 regardless. And I have housework etc to do at night regardless (though less on the days I’ve been at work and used the CM as the house is tidier).

Someone posted earlier that since she is a working parent she has to get all her errands run in 30 mins and not then “4 hours browsing the shops + coffee with a friend “ that a sahp would have. Haha haha!! I have never browsed a shop or had a relaxing coffee with a baby/toddler in tow, never. It’s a rushed and stressful experience involving a lot of wailing from add every time.

I’m much more likely to browse a shop or have a relaxing coffee during one of my “working outside they home days”. Plus do online admin / shopping on my commute.

Staying home all day is nothing like working.

I agree - looking after kids all day is much harder than going to work IME.

Most things in excess are never as much fun as in moderation. Wft, I loved my weekends and evenings with kids. Now I’m sahp, it makes no bloody difference except just more bodies in the house which equals more chaos, more mess more work.

Really good point !!

oh god, I fantasise about slipping in my heels, doing my makeup, actually brushing my hair following a wake up shower.

Do your children magically disappear in this little fantasy?

The reality is getting ready for work while also getting your children prepped for the day and out to childcare.

Early wake ups, changing wet beds, getting breakfasts, wrangling into clothes, last minute admin, putting a wash on, frantically trying to make yourself presentable, having to change because someone's smeared weetabix on your jacket, hustling out the door leaving the house a tip for later, rush to childcare, rush to work, then at your desk working to deadlines from 9.

Of course you know this, but are choosing to present a fantasy version.

It is a full time job in the first couple of years. Someone has to do the work of raising the child. Whether you do it yourself or pay a nursery to do it while you work. You can look after multiple children at once (like a nursery does) but you can’t do an actual job and childcare at the same time. It’s up to you (and your finances) whether you want to do the childcare yourself or pay someone else to do it.

@user1471426142 your day isn't like that with three children under five.

@SoupDragon can you imagine the performance and productivity nosedives if all these parents who work but still do exactly the same amount of parenting as the SAHP do -without help from fairies - actually took their young children and babies to work.

Exactly.

@Ozziewozzie sucked worksite are especially satisfying aren't they. I am also rather fond of regurgitated tuna sandwiches

Of course a working parent will be along to tell us that they have this too.
Now where's that latte

Sucked worksite has to be the Freudian slip of the thread

Wotsits. Obviously

Eatmycheese I don’t deny it would be different with more children which is why I think experience depends so much on how many kids, their personalities etc versus the job. I’m slightly scared about my upcoming maternity leave and having two as I’ve had a pretty easy ride with my first.

I'd advise your OH as I would a woman.

It's always more difficult to get back to work after a gap, so I'd keep the PT job and invest in some child care.

For you, consider the possibility of a break up. Would he get residency? Would you then have to pay him maintenance and compensation for loss of earnings?

Him at work benefits both of you IMO.

I appreciate that all circumstances are different but for me, being a pt teacher is way harder than being at home.

Work day -
I wrangle 2 children into clothes and out the door at 730am.
I drop them at childcare then rush to work.
I don't get a second to think at work and certainly no lunch time.
I rush home at 5.30pm to collect children.
I then have a few hours before bed to do my school work and also housework including dinner, dishwasher, admin etc as well as try and spend some time with my children.

Day off -
Leisurely get ready and eat breakfast together before school run with eldest, which I really enjoy.
Spread my jobs out throughout the day and enjoy spending time with my children. Life is slower and more enjoyable.
We often do a play date and eat a proper dinner. I don't achieve this on a work day.

If I had more than 2 children and did a different job things might be different.

However! I love my job and enjoy my work days and my days at home. I couldn't be a SAHM and admire those that do.

Unless your DH wants to, YANBU. PP are forgetting that he has been seriously unwell too, something that hits home to me! He will be able to go back PT to a similar job when your DC is older.

However, please don't call a SAHP a full- time job. Yes it's full- time as in takes up all your time but it is not a job. It's also an insult to us apparent part-time parents.

The competition about what is harder is pointless. Being a SAHM can be hard and so can working. It all depends on your situation, the amount of children you have and what they are like, the type of job you have and your own coping skills etc.

I have five children and was a SAHM/carer for 16 years. I now work and study. I have found that both are hard in very different ways .

OP you do what is best for your family. It doesn't matter what other people think, it doesn't matter if some consider it a full time job and others don't. However, Lweji has some very good points worth considering.

It is not a job because it is not paid and there is no contract, no defined role etc. It has got nothing to do with how easy or hard it is.

It's also an insult to us apparent part-time parents.

Why take it as an insult? To do so is manifest admission of a feeling of guilt and/or failure as a parent. Just accept that working FT means you see less of your children than do parents who SAHP. It’s fact not value judgement.