To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

[SpottedTiger]

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

How I wish MN would just agree both are shit in different ways.

Haha @O4FS I agree, looking after small children is so relentless and exhausting no matter how you choose to do it! I’ll be pleased when ds is older and more self sufficient but then I’ll probably look back and miss him being so cute and little so you really can’t win!!

How I wish MN would just agree both are shit in different ways.

And both can be equally rewarding, surely? I didn't decide to have children only to constantly lament how hard it is (accepting we all have hard days and some lives are more complicated than others). I love being a parent. I really enjoy my paid employment too. People could be forgiven for thinking that, by mn standards, life is just generally a painful drudge.

But when you do go to work, you do so with all that shitty mothers guilt.

I’ve been a SAHM for years, and now I’m a WAHM. I have the perfect job. I still feel guilty because I’m either dealing with the DCs and not working, or working and ignoring the DCs.

You can’t win either way.

But we must continue the SAHP v WOHP oneupmanship because ... why, exactly?

You are a parent.
You can either stay at home and die a little inside because your life is reduced to snot, naps, toddler groups, the memory of yourself as an individual fading as you become ‘DC’s Mum’.
Or,
Go to work, overwrought with guilt that you aren’t doing the above, living with the anxiety and fear that you aren’t actually doing anything well and compromising the most important things in your life (yourself/your job/your family).

Whether you leave the house in yesterday’s porridge flecked sweatshirt, or a tailored suit, chances are to are leaving with a dribble of snot on your shoulder.

Yes but these threads aren’t about how rewarding parenting is are they?

Whatever you do, some twat will criticise you.

You, as a family, make the decision that is best for your family. Don’t take into account the musings of onlookers who aren’t facing your particular situation.

One trend I’m picking up from this thread is that most people agree on (if nothing else) that while watching a toddler it’s pretty much impossible to work from home. I can’t tell you how many people have suggested I get a work from home job, because apparently I’m at home doing nothing any how
I couldn’t care less if anyone thinks me being a SAHM is a job or not. It’s currently the only option for our family. I work self employed May-Oct a couple of days a week. It’s horribly stressful trying to cram in all my daily chores (housework, meals, laundry, kids therapy appointments) around working, but I do enjoy putting DS into daycare and focusing on work for the day.
OP instead of your husband being a full time SAHD and working in paid employment outside of the home wouldn’t it make more sense for him to study to do a more qualified job once DC are older?

Whether you choose to do some fucker will come riding in on the criticism horse.

*whatever

I think it's easy to say that SAHPs should just be confident in their own life choices and not engage with those that insult or diminish them, but I think it is important to challenge the "lazy, easy SAHP" stereotype as it has far reaching and serious consequences for women and men that opt to take some time out to care for their children.

Even on this thread we have seen posters suggest that WOHPs do everything that SAHPs do and that being at home is all laid back pyjama days. I've also seen it stated on MN before that SAHPs lack ambition, were probably all previously in low paid or unrewarding employment and that an au pair does effectively the same role as a SAHP but works out more cost effective.

I would argue that most of the above is untrue in the vast majority of cases, but that the general population buy into these myths and a stigma develops around being a SAHP. It's hardly surprising therefore that when it comes to going back to work SAHPs are heavily penalised for taking time out of the workplace to do something that is generally viewed as easy, inferior and worse than worthless as it effectively diminishes and devalues the previous experience you built up before becoming a SAHP.

I think there is a significant minority of WOHPs that almost seem to want to compound this effect as they want to be rewarded for staying in employment and would think it was almost unfair if SAHPs weren't punished in some way for opting out of childcare costs and the hassle of working. I think this is a real shame as ultimately it is disempowering for all parents as the extremely high penalty placed on any period spent as a SAHP means that many people don't have the opportunity to make a real meaningful choice about whether they would like some time as a SAHP or not. Also many SAHPs become trapped in the role as it is difficult to find well paid employment after even a small time out of the workforce even if the parent had previously built up a good career. Seems to me that everyone loses in the push to diminish and undermine SAHPs

Agree that some WOHMs want to punish SAHMs!

Firstly, to the OP, I agree with other posters that you should do what works for your family and damn the naysayers.

However, a couple of things to throw in the discussion:

indecisivepigeon Thu 03-Jan-19 20:25:47
Unless he’s paying tax and NI, it’s not a job I’m afraid.

Oh really? So my minimum wage, 18 hours / week, involving a two hour commute each day 'job' isn't actually a job then according to you, because I don't actually earn enough to pay either tax or NI.

When it comes to this whole SAH and WOH discussion we really need to separate parenting from childcare. Yes, parents are parents 24/7 but WOHP are not doing as much childcare as SAH parents.

Perhaps instead of calling themselves SAHP when they are staying home to cover childcare they should be calling themselves SAHC (stay at home childcarers). FWIW, when our DC were younger and DH and I had to use holidays to cover school holidays / inset days, etc, we never referred to it as holiday, but as time off to cover childcare. Also, when one of us got to go out for leisure or extra work purposes and the other one was left with the kids, we never referred to the parent left as babysitting the children, we always referred to it as being on childcare duty.

Personally, I think people need to be more specific and accurate in the language they use to describe what they are doing, that might remove some emotion and therefore the need for some to feel like they need to defend their choices.

@bumpitybumper
High five to that

I agree with ozzie

This thread is HILARIOUS! So, a parent working does just as much childcare as a SAHP - they just have to fit it in in a shorter time. ?? What??! And not just one poster saying this, but many.

So, when you go to work, where is the baby? At work with you? Or is it someone else looking after the baby? Nursery, nanny, childcarer? I think it’s fairly uncontroversial to say that a SAHP does more childcare than a working parent. It’s not a value judgement, it’s a fact.

Yet another thread with women having a go at each other. Of COURSE, looking after a pre schooler IS a full time job. Obviously not, if you sit your kid in front of a screen all day, drink coffee and talk to your mates. But to do it properly of course! An exhausting, demanding full time job. Jeez, before mine were at school I’d be all day with my DCs, chatting, reading to them, cooking their food, taking them out, teaching them stuff.

I can’t believe, simply can’t believe that women in this day and age look down on SAHPs and downgrade the importance of childcare. Really disappointing.

We make choices, sometimes we don’t have a choice about returning to work, sometimes we do. We do our best for our kids depending what fits with us and our families, whether staying at home, or finding good childcare and returning to work and careers. Just respect those choices.

Ive been a sahm, worked 'around DHs hours', worked full time very briefly and now work part-time. Working around DHs hours was absolutely the worst of all worlds and put huge stress on my mental health and my marriage. I'd be handing the kids over after tea, miss bedtime, work till I went to bed and had zero downtime and nowhere near enough sleep. DH would be bringing work home so he could leave earlier so he'd spend the evening after the kids were in bed working and doing the last little bits of tidying up. So he got virtually no downtime either.

Working full time with a nanny was easily the least stressful. I think having a sahp but being the wohp would be my preferred option if I did it again.

Stay At Home Childcarers....I absolutely agree! I also think with Mumsnet being a parenting website and all that shouldn’t we be supportive of all parents, working or not? Instead of working vs SAHP threads I would love to see more threads suggesting how SAHPs can protect themselves and prepare for the future.

Caring for a New born is a bit more than just playing with them. Constant feeding, happy changing etc etc. I really hate the way people downgrade anything that doesn't involve a salary. Looking after preschoolerd is definately the same as fill time work.
Those who say I do everything. Sah parent does and work clearly can't outsource childcare.

Sorry autocorrect but you get the idea.

Doesn't outsource childcare.

Wow, I wasn't expecting such emotive responses. To clarify to those who asked we are both mid 30s and the current plan is for DH to continue working whilst I'm on Mat leave and then take over as SAHP until our youngest gets free nursery hours, then go back to PT work. He's been unable to work for long periods due to illness in the past, so I don't think this will affect him career wise. He currently works with someone who has recently returned from time as a SAHD, who has found it's worked well for him.

One trend I’m picking up from this thread is that most people agree on (if nothing else) that while watching a toddler it’s pretty much impossible to work from home

I disagree. I brought up three of them this way. I still know quite a few people who WFH while looking after small children. It's certainly not impossible.

My best friend couldn’t cope with being at home with her DD so went back to work full time and mentally was a lot better for it - 90% of her wages covered full time childcare

Yes I do believe SAHP is harder than being employed!

I went back to work FT and DP changed jobs to PT and that fit around my hours. When I am at work, he does the childcare. When I get home from work, I take over and he goes to work.

It is tiring and hard work sometimes but it's doable. I can't see why your DP can't work PT and look after the child. Lots of people have to do it.

your dh family are the ones being unreasonable, sounds like they are expecting him to put his health at risk over some sexist idea.

Being a stay at home parent to an infant/toddler is hard work.

Whether it is equivalent to a full time job or not is irrelevant because your dh isn't able to work full time.

It is certainly more work than most part time jobs which is what your dh is managing right now without negatively impacting his health.

Tell his family he will continue to work part time if they provide the free childcare to cover his hours - they'll soon stop