To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

[SpottedTiger]

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

Oh FFS is this going to turn into a 'my job is harder than your job'competition now? The four Yorkshire men had nothing on MN. Personally I am not much interested in keeping tabs on whose life is hardest, but I am thinking of a sweepstake on who can cram in the most self-righteous twattery in a single post, there are some strong candidates emerging.

sarahandquack precisely my point- making it not a job.

I can't work out if the people saying a WOHP of a baby does the same as a SAHP with a baby does as well as working are serious or just trying to annoy SAHPs. I have been both and when Woh I always realised I was at work and not actually entertaining my DC, taking them to activities, changing their nappies, physically looking after them etc. Somebody was. It wasn't me. It is not like I ran home after worked and squeezed 10 hours of keeping them occupied into our bedtime routine and they just sat in a trance the whole time I was and waited for me to come back before switching on. Unless you think children cease to exist whilst you are at work you must realise that the OP's DH will be looking after a baby all day and your average WOHP who is working ft during the day cannot possibly be doing this.

Riiighhht ... so you fondly imagine the nursery worker feels exactly the same way about your beloved darlings as you do, and works for the love of the job?

Ok then, far be it from me to spoil the illusion for you.

sarahandquack you’re really not getting my point.
For a nursery worker, of course it’s a job- they don’t love my children.
For a parent, looking after your children, although challenging and not the most fun at times, is a general pleasure as you love them. It isn’t a job.
I previously compared it to dog walking and stand by that- walking your own dog isn’t a job, it’s your dog you love it. For a dog walker, walking your dog is a job.

What I’m saying is that how can it be classed as a job when people who work in paid employment count spending time off work as sahps spend all their days as pleasurable and as a holiday.

Yanbu.

I work and therefore delegate childcare to a nursery, I pay them to do the job of providing care, food, learning to my dc for 10 hours a day, 4 days a week.

I don’t think I do “everything a sahm” does and work too. I don’t provide anything for my child during those hours, someone else does!

I love my dc so so much but I do find parenting on my days at home very hard work, much harder (physically, emotionally) than being out at my paid job.

I'm not getting it, no! I think it is obvious that the day-in-day-out process of caring for a child is different from the treat of time home with your child (and I've done both). It's a sad fact that when you have children, your 'time off' no longer looks the same - and that's true whether you're a SAHP or not.

What I don't get is the idea that a job that is paid for if someone other than your partner does it, suddenly becomes free because you're shagging them. That is a bit dodgy.

sarahandquack perhaps because it isn’t a job because in this day being a parent is a choice and raising your children is an overall pleasure (even if it comes with hardships). It is a job for people who don’t love your kids, so they deserve payment

Having been a sahm and now back at work it's a bloody doddle, anything would be rather than wrestling with small dc every minuet of every day.

I have a medically complex child, can't work as I am his "carer" and we've spent a lot of time in hospital / appts / clinics etc. He's tube fed, ono2, and until recently non verbal.

Of course there are lots of jobs harder than being a SAHP
You think holding a child's literal life in your hands as a paediatric surgeon whose Ben in theatre all day is easier than 12 hours of baby wrangling? Or being a neonatal nurse organising a christening for a 1 day old baby who might not make it? A fireman working Grenfill fire? A policeman going int pa house and finding a houseful of née Ted and starving children, not all of them alive? Don't be so bloody self absorbed.

My opinion, it’s unreasonable to think that being a stay-at-home parent is a job in the traditional sense of the word. It is work and can be very trying at times, for all parents, whether they work outside the home or stay home with children.

I think it’s good that your husband is stepping up to the plate to be at home. But how is he supposed to work part-time around your work hours? Is he supposed to take care of the baby all day and then work a night shift somewhere? When does he sleep? Unless he wants to be employed outside the home, he shouldn’t cave to pressure from friends and family. It’s really none of their business.

I will say this, though, and it pertains to both women and men who stay home with children.

The one thing to be cognizant of is the risk of one partner placing his/her entire financial future in the hands of the other. Sure, money isn’t everything, until the sole breadwinner becomes disabled, loses that well-paying job, asks for a divorce, or dies. In the U.S., where I’m from, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. If something happens to the only breadwinner, what would the SAHP do?

It’s why I’ve always worked. I need to be able to care for my children, not only emotionally but also financially, should the unthinkable happen.

Something to think about.

I worked full time as a nurse as did my dh as a teacher with a toddler plus we were both studying for degrees. I would have gone bonkers being a stay at home parent. It is what ever you want it to be. There are no set rules. I just preferred to always have my own financial independence and career.

Oh please! A lifestyle choice? Here is how my husband and I chose/view what 'jobs' we would do in our house.

Him : His job is to go to work 5 days a week and earn money to play for our house.

Me : My job is to stay home 5 days a week, get eldest to school and of course pick up with inbetween time filled with taking care of DS 19mth.

Without both of us doing our agreed 'jobs' our house doesn't run like it should. Call it what you like, whatever makes you feel better about your own job I guess.

OP i would say that you need to do what is best for your family and if you can afford for your dp to sahp and it’s easier then go for it.

I would suggest though that being a sahp is not a job having witnessed couples who both work full time with their hours arranged so someone is always at home with their dc’s.
Although it’s not just one person taking on all of the childcare and housework etc, it is the same tasks just split between two people who also work 40+ hours a week each. This means that at no point are they paying someone else to take on the responsibility of caring for their dc’s, and all other tasks are still being completed.
I would suggest that when me and my partner are in this situation next year with one starting at 3am and the other at 3pm after the first gets home, I will if anything be envious of the sahp’s on this thread and the time they have to spend on themselves and with their dp’s and dc’s!

An uncle did the stay at home father thing and took about ten years to settle into it. I suspect he would have been much happier doing some degree of part time work for the sake of feeling like he was contributing financially more than the actual financial value of his contribution.

Personally I don’t believe it is a full time job, I think that is a term we use to try and make people feel better about their parenting decisions perceived failings where one individual chooses to stay at home.

Do whatever is best for your family.

I"m the parent of a severely disabled older child and don't have paid employment. I would describe it is a role rather than a job. That doesn't make it any less hard work than doing the same things as a job. In fact my son always has 2:1 care when looked after by anyone who is being paid so the role isn't one anyone professional would do.

Not another of these threads please!

What does it even matter if being a SAHP is defined as a “job” or not? Who cares?

It’s hard work at times. It’s tiring, it takes a certain kind of resilience. At other times it’s fun, deeply rewarding, hectic, varied, challenging - you name it.

Just like most jobs,

People seem to talk about WOH parents as if they are some monolith who all experience their jobs in the same way. This is what I find bizarre on MN.

Isn’t is obvious that some jobs are a total doddle and allow loads of “down time” to the point of boredom - eg. working in a very quiet shop or office environment. Other jobs you don’t have a minute to think.

It’s pointless trying to compare apples with pears. The SAH role varies in how “hard” it is, according to all sorts of factors - how many DC; your personality / patience levels; financial factors; support networks; health - the list is endless. There are as many permutations of SAH as there are paid jobs!

Some people go to work for a break; others dread their work and are overwhelmed by stress; others thrive. A bit like SAHPs really. It totally depends on your personality relative to the situation.

I don’t think it matters how you view these things in a way - as long as you’re happy with your choices. I’d say it’s a full time job because if you’re not doing it someone is being paid to - that’s their actual job so how does it become not a job when you’re the parent....... not being paid I guess.

For me I always knew I wanted to be the one looking after my children especially when they were tiny. I consider myself very fortunate that I was able to make that choice. I am so unbelievably happy and content. It genuinely makes no difference what anyone else thinks - I’ve had people making derogatory comments about how I don’t do anything or what do you do all day?! But my children are 12 and 9 now and I look back and think thank god I was able to go to all the baby groups, thank god I was there for all the milestones, I’m even grateful for the days I was being crapped and sicked on 😂. Time is so precious and it goes so incredibly fast, spend it in the way that suits your family. No one else. Good luck with your pregnancy and birth and congratulations 💐

So someone has to look after children pre-school. Some people get childminders, nurseries to do it - so it is technically someone’s job. The difference is that professional childcare is more ‘efficient’ because they usually look after more children and have to complete paperwork for doing so. So if you had 3-4 young children would people see this as a ‘full-time’ job?

In reality sahp is what you make of it (can easily be equivalent of full time job) and how hard it is depends on your child. Kids that won’t sleep or have health problems require more. Some parents are fine with their kids watching tv for long stretches (not judging as I do this sometimes), others read intensively to them or take them on lots of outings because they want to help their development. Don’t worry about what people think - every family is different. But if he is sahd, make sure you value his contribution equally and make sure he doesn’t feel vulnerable financially or psychologically.

SAH may not be a paid role, but it’s still a role.

Somebody has to do it.,

If you work in an office and take your eye off the ball for an minute / hour / day you may miss a target or let people down. The worst that can happen is you’ll be fired.

If you take your eye if the ball as a SAHM you child could fall / choke / run in the road. The worst that could happen is our worst nightmare.,

So the SAH role is not nothing.

Not everyone can do it.

Yes there are some jobs where you literally hold other people’s lives in your hands, but these are not the majority of roles, let’s face it.

Oh FFS, if looking after young children isn't a job you wouldn't pay people to do it when you're not there. Nannying, childminding, nursery work - all jobs.

As for people who say that a role is only a job if you get paid for it, childcare is effectively imputed income for SAHP meaning you don't pay for the service because you are providing it to yourself. As for NI contributions, you get NI credits over this time BECAUSE the role of caring for children is recognised as a genuine need not a lifestyle choice.

Working parents categorically do not do all the things SAHP do with less time, if they did then why would you pay £100 - £150 a day for a nanny depending on hours or £70-80 for nursery whilst at work (for those who have family help, consider yourselves very lucky). I know just as many people who sit at work googling holidays and sale shopping as SAHP who watch a couple of TV programmes with their kids each day. Likewise there are groups on both sides who are fully productive and engaged in their role at all times so there's no chilling out - it takes all sorts.

As someone who has done both (check out my username) I think there is huge value to both choices but they are YOUR choices to make. Unfortunately the general consensus seems to be to demonise SAHP as layabouts because it makes people feel better about themselves when frankly it's no one else's business. Yes you can do your own thing at home, but there is far more work associated with just being there all day with kids than shutting the door behind you and dumping them in nursery.

Being at home with one baby, health problems excepted, is a relatively easy job compared to two or more especially when they're 3/4. But there are plenty of jobs which are relatively easy, so I don't see a problem with that. Likewise when all children are at school there is more time, but that bit in the middle when you have anything between 4 year olds AND babies is flipping hard work. Personally I find it MUCH more straightforward being at work and outsourcing the childcare because I get to come back and have the fun times without all the crap and tantrums that go with parenting 24/7. I also find it more rewarding but that's because after several years at home I was craving direction, inclusion and stimulation for myself again, something you really give up as a SAHP.

So there you are, if you can (DH in your case) and don't mind putting aside the additional income and personal satisfaction (if you have any) from work for a while and you want to spend those years with your children, it's a great role but it's not that easy. If you don't, that's fine too. As long as you aren't closing any doors or doing something you think you might regret later then you can make it work.

Ultimately if you're happy, people should be happy for you and if they're not then you have bigger questions about why their opinion matters to you.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

In that case I have two full time jobs.. ..

I think in some ways it is hard work, but it's not the same as getting up at 6am, going to work, getting back and having dinner, a mountain of cleaning and children to see to and trying to organise the rest of your life in your lunch breaks (if you get one) at work. You have less time and that is the thing that is harder about being a working parent, although I'm not sure I could stay at home all the time. I was in my son's room the other day and realised that half the toys we have for him don't get played with as none of us are at home that much in the week. It's sad really.

I would love to work PT but sadly need both full time incomes. That to me strikes the right balance. It's up to your OH though. It's your family and your decision alone.

I had 3 children under 18 months and went back to work, 10 days a month, when the youngest was 9 months. Work was so much easier. And my only chance to have a hot drink.

You're not, you're missing the point spuds, you're doing exactly the same thing at 6am and 10pm as every other parent is, SAH or not. But in the hours you're at work you are paying someone to do the role you or your DP would do at home so you're not working two full time jobs. You're working one job 8ish hours a day OOTH and being a parent for the rest of it, just like everyone else is.

Something doesn't have to be a job to make it a demanding role. There is no need to call it a job but I understand why people may do so because of how they think others think.