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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

483 replies

SpottedTiger · 03/01/2019 20:07

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

OP posts:

whassupmissus · 04/01/2019 22:27

Not just one but four degrees. Wow [faints]

AlexaShutUp · 04/01/2019 22:44

In my experience I have found every single job easier than staying home full time with children. I guess a lot of you hate your jobs. If it's such a doddle being a SAHP then why not be give up your jobs and be childminders?! It can be quite well paid and wouldn't be working after all!

Well, childminding is very different from looking after your own children in my view. Firstly, you're looking after someone else's children, which is far more of a chore than looking after your own. Secondly, there are external standards to comply with, which don't apply when you're a SAHP.

That said, I don't think being a childminder would be a particularly difficult job. However, I wouldn't consider it as an option because I'd only make a small fraction of my current salary. I don't know where on earth you get the idea that childminders are well paid?!

pallisers · 04/01/2019 22:53

That said, I don't think being a childminder would be a particularly difficult job.

Says the person who has never done it. I'd say your job is easy - because you don't sound very bright and you do it.

I am a lawyer and worked in a very stressful, deadline-driven job when I had my children. I skipped back to work at the 6 month mark because work was blissfully easy when compared to the relentless tyranny of minding a baby for 12 hours straight.

All these people who think it isn't a job, actually pay someone to do it for them (or leave their 1 year olds on their own for the day??) - how does that work? You are so thick you pay someone to do something that isn't a job??

NotUmbongoUnchained · 04/01/2019 22:56

Lol at you calling someone thick when that the dumbest post I’ve ever read.

Delatron · 04/01/2019 22:58

I agree pallisers going back to a high pressured sales job with teams to manage and deadlines was easier than being at home with a baby and a toddler. I went back to work because I couldn’t cope with being at home with two under two.

We’re all different!

Feeebeee · 04/01/2019 23:01

You are so thick you pay someone to do something that isn't a job??
but AlexaShutUp preempted that comment by saying how when it isn’t your own child, childcare is a chore and a job but when you’re looking after your own it’s simply parenting which is a responsibility

Feeebeee · 04/01/2019 23:02

You pay people to feed your cat when you go on holiday, it doesn’t mean that feeding your own cat is a job

whassupmissus · 04/01/2019 23:05

When I go on holiday I pay for someone to look after my dog. That's their job. It is not my job because I chose to have the dog it's my responsibility. Someone cleans my house and gets paid that's their job when I clean my house it's not my job. Same with children. You are paying someone else to look after your child that is a job. You looking after your child is not a job it's a choice

RomanyRoots · 04/01/2019 23:12

People pay others to feed pets when they go on holiday aw, that's sad, we all look after each others for free.
Friends, family, neighbours, and community muck in together.
I think my own standards were far higher than any ofsted rating, but if you want to earn a lot more than a child minder then you have to put up with childcare, I suppose.
The responsibility of raising your own children full time is worth far more than a huge salary, unless you aren't cut out for ft parenting.

SinkGirl · 04/01/2019 23:12

Yikes, this has deteriorated in the last few hours.

My DH is also a parent, taking care of them is also his responsibility and yet he works 40 hours a week so clearly he’s not doing as much childcare as I am.

I mean, is it literally a job? No, I had no interview and don’t get paid. Is it as much work and as legitimate as a full time job? Of course it is. Some utterly ludicrous responses

If I went out to work full time I wouldn’t be doing as much childcare as I do now working very part time. I’d also insist that chores and admin were split more equally between DH and I, so I definitely wouldn’t be doing as much as I do now but in less time.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 04/01/2019 23:13

Yikes, this has deteriorated in the last few hours

Hasnt it just

Feeebeee · 04/01/2019 23:19

RomanyRoots I’ll ignore the patronising pet comment (I don’t even have a cat, that was an example)
I don’t think that’s a fair thing to say- working mums here haven’t criticised the act of parents not working and staying at home to look after their children but have criticised it being called a job. You’ve now criticised the act of parents going to work which is completely unfair and quite low. My mum going to work instilled in me the idea of self reliance and allowed me to view her as a person, rather than just mum- I didn’t suffer and in fact gained from it. I also think nursery is good for children and gives them social skills and time more fun than playing with homemade, organic play dough with mummy but also understand why parents choose to devote their time to raising their children. I don’t criticise stay at home parents but I don’t view it as a job and never will.

RomanyRoots · 04/01/2019 23:34

I'm not criticising parents who work ffs, how else are we supposed to live
I'm criticising the idea that sahp is not a job, or at least that persons job.
When you work and use childcare you aren't parenting, you have a different job.
When you are doing that job others are a sahp doing parenting role/job during the same hours.
There is nothing wrong with either, it's each to their own.
Some people put more in than others as well whether sahp or wohp.

Soconfusedbylife · 04/01/2019 23:40

I don’t class being a SAHP as a job. Mentally I think it is harder to be a SAHP so I would consider this, I felt a significant loss of identity and brain cells (me personally) by being at home for extended times. I needed the mental stimulation from adult conversation and work.

Feeebeee · 04/01/2019 23:54

The responsibility of raising your own children full time is worth far more than a huge salary, unless you aren't cut out for ft parenting.
Pretty sure saying you only work if you aren’t cut out for full time parenting is a criticism

Namenic · 04/01/2019 23:58

don’t understand Alexa and Feebee.
How is it not a job to do your laundry, childcare, driving, cooking, cutting hair when you pay ‘professionals’ to do it? Fair enough most people do a bit of each jack-of-all-trade style but for whatever reason many people choose to subcontract at least some of the time. I guess that enables specialisation and ‘efficiency’ in economic terms. Think of sahp’s as doing an all-rounder job - like a GP or PA or primary teacher (doing multiple subjects). They may not prepare Michelin star meals but know what their kids will eat.

Soconfusedbylife · 05/01/2019 00:03

Do part time working parents technically have 2 jobs then? When mine were very small I worked 2 days and was at home for 3. I would work 12 hour shifts then come home and do the cleaning, laundry, meal prepping. Not because that was my job but because that’s what a parent does.

jessstan2 · 05/01/2019 00:04

I haven't read all of this thread but it is only yours and your husband's decision to make. It doesn't have to be forever but you can try.

Good luck.

AlexaShutUp · 05/01/2019 00:06

Says the person who has never done it. I'd say your job is easy - because you don't sound very bright and you do it.

Thanks love, I must say you don't sound too sharp either. As for never having done childminding, you're right, I haven't, but I did do some nannying for a few months when I was a student, so I have some insight into what the role involves. And I'll say it again, looking after other people's children is way harder than looking after your own, so I'm not belittling the work that childminders do at all. I'm just saying that I don't subscribe to the view that looking after children - your own or someone else's - is the hardest job you can do.

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your maternity leave and that you were so eager to get back to work. It was the opposite for me. I loved being on maternity leave and it felt like a wonderful long holiday. Yes, it was hard work looking after a newborn, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Yes, the sleep deprivation was tough, as dd was a very poor sleeper, but personally, I found that a whole lot harder to deal with once I went back to work. I loved the freedom that went along with maternity leave, and the simplicity of only having to think about me and dd. Physically, looking after dc was relatively hard work, but for me, the mental load felt so much lighter.

I'm not sure if that was addressed to me or to someone else. FWIW, I do think that childminding is a job, but I don't pay a childminder to look after my dc and never have done.

frogsoup · 05/01/2019 00:14

"If you don't want to go out or get dressed you don't."
Says the parent who has never had a school-aged child, a toddler and a baby! You tend to have to get everyone up and out of the house by 8.15, unless you enjoy conversations with the school attendance officer... Arf at sahp being 'masters of their destiny', as opposed to tied to the tyrannical regimes of school on the one hand and baby feeds/toddler entertainment needs on the other. Amazing how in people's desperation to talk down sahp, their brains seem to fall out in the process.

Namenic · 05/01/2019 00:22

Wassup - is freelancing or self-employment a job? Or running a business (if u are boss)? U set ur own deadlines etc.

Some jobs are not fee earning to companies (eg HR, payroll, legal) but need to be done. Think of people as saving money by taking on various roles (differs from family to family and wohp do these roles too!). For those earning over tax thresholds, it is financially worth a bit more as saves on the tax (outgoings come out of salary after tax - so if laundry costs £1000 a year, you may have to do £1200 worth of work to afford this)

EdtheBear · 05/01/2019 00:22

I've skimmed my way through 13 pages of WTF.

Op you and DH have to do whats right for both of you.
One thing I would suggest is He claims the Child Benefit, so he gets the NI credits non-working parent.

I may have missed why DH has been ill, but if its MH reasons he might find SAHD too lonely / isolating.
However nothing needs to be set in stone. If he tries it as it doesn't suit he can consider a p/t evening shift if he can find it.

He might also consider college courses to get himself out of MW work. I know somebody who has trained as a class room assistant so try can work around school holidays etc.

MuddlingMackem · 05/01/2019 01:18

whassupmissus Fri 04-Jan-19 22:17:15
But it's not like working. If you don't want to go out or get dressed you don't. You are master of your own destiny.

Haha! You didn't know my kids. They needed to be out at least part of the day, staying home sent them stir crazy. And I wasn't a SAHP whilst they were pre-schoolers, thank goodness, I'd have cracked up, my stint was when they were both in primary school, but during school holidays I still had to get them out at least once a day until the youngest hit 9 or so. My god, the hours I've stood freezing and bored in parks!

Canuckduck · 05/01/2019 04:01

Who cares if people think that it’s not a full time job? Do what works for and revisit if need be. I think having one parent at home when children are small saves everyone a load of stress but only if the sahp enjoys it and there is no resentment

Bumpitybumper · 05/01/2019 05:24

@Feeebeee
working mums here haven’t criticised the act of parents not working and staying at home to look after their children but have criticised it being called a job
I can't believe you wrote the above and then continued to write the rest of your post without realising that you were implicitly criticising SAHPing.

I also think nursery is good for children and gives them social skills and time more fun than playing with homemade, organic play dough with mummy but also understand why parents choose to devote their time to raising their children

Your post is laced with passive aggressive comments designed to undermine SAHPs, but I guess as long as you continuously insist that you're not criticising anyone then it must be fine and SAHPs must be getting offended at nothing.

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