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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

483 replies

SpottedTiger · 03/01/2019 20:07

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

OP posts:
WaterOffaDucksCrack · 04/01/2019 17:20

Ah ok I don't know any single parents who have 50/50. I have my son 100% of the time as he was conceived in very traumatic circumstances.

I will also say I found just looking after my son so much easier than working full time then doing everything on top of that. My days off are so much more relaxed. I love my job but I loved doing what we wanted when we wanted so much more!!

SleepingStandingUp · 04/01/2019 17:22

I'm genuinely impressed by anyone who can work during the day whilst their preschooler is awake and at home with no other help and actually feel they do anythibg constructive. I've tired studying whilst he's conscious, doesn't work. Tried reading, doesn't work unless it's 10 Little Beasties or similar. DS is too busy trying to touch me, the PC, needing food or drink or cuddles. Maybe I just didn't raise an obedient enough one 😢 😂

Justthecover · 04/01/2019 17:29

You will get lots of different views. I’ve done both and I find being a sahm easier. And I find it better for the family me being at home. Our home life is far less stressful than it was when we were juggling jobs and childcare and it’s also less stressful than most of my friends family lives. But my job is quite stressful. That said I am about to go back just one day a week. If you are both happy with this arrangement I would say go for it and don’t worry about what other people thinks. You have to do what is right for YOUR family not anyone else’s.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 04/01/2019 18:20

Oh i see millionaire, i knew i was missing something Smile

Dh did the night wakings, i just pretended to be sleeping...i like to think i would have woken up eventually

Footloose80 · 04/01/2019 18:46

When I was a sahp and dh won I was pretty much told on threads that I shouldn't disturb woh parent. This is where it comes from I suspect. Certainly when I was a sahp dh rarely got up.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/01/2019 19:00

I think the indignation came from the fact that when both couples work someone has to get up and still go to work the next day as opposed to say me who has to get up overnight and then just has to get up the next day and not go to work

Shazafied · 04/01/2019 20:00

SleepingStandingUp

But the sahp who gets up overnight DOES have work the next day.

Shazafied · 04/01/2019 20:04

SleepingStandingUp

Sorry , I think that’s actually what you were saying too. My bad for not RTFT

Eatmycheese · 04/01/2019 20:05

@SleepingStandingUp so you don't think the overwhelming responsibility of having to be on the ball and physically not to mention emotionally up to looking after your children on fuck all sleep is less of a responsibility than a "proper" job?

PrincessPlummy · 04/01/2019 20:09

I think the main element of these MN debates about SAHPs that people seem to not acknowledge is that it hugely depends on the age of your children. With babies/toddlers who need essentially round the clock close care it is far more demanding, whereas school age children will obviously mean you have extra time for housework (and no working obligations.

There's a world of difference between a SAHP with a toddler and baby who they look after 24/7 along with housework, and one who has kids aged 12 and 14, when they're mostly at school/with friends and are getting to an age where they can look after themselves in lots of ways!

LL83 · 04/01/2019 20:15

I don't know why people have to have an argument. It is obvious the OP wasn't suggesting working parents are not full time parents, this is her first child she prob had no idea how comparing parenting to job can upset people.

OP, for me it's all about work/life/family balance. Your dh can work a job round parenting and your hours, but as you can afford not to, he has health problems and it won't have a negative impact on his career I think most people would choose for one parent to stay at home.

LaurieMarlow · 04/01/2019 20:51

I'm guessing 2 x WOHM parents do 50/50 split of night wakings?

Plenty of WOHM are still breastfeeding, so will shoulder the night wakings on top of going into work every day.

whassupmissus · 04/01/2019 20:53

Eatmycheese you seem to be trying overly hard to justify your position as a SAHP. If you want to do that it's fine - good for you. But please don't be deluded enough to think it's the same as working in a full time job when you have deadlines to hit and could get the sack if you don't deliver. Perhaps you didn't have a particularly responsible job which is why you don't get it - we all know what it's like to look after children - we've done it. We do it every weekend every holiday. It's great you can stay at hone with your kids if that's what you want to do but it's not a job

Shazafied · 04/01/2019 21:36

we all know what it's like to look after children - we've done it. We do it every weekend every holiday.

Not the same as having them on your own every weekday with no break.

MariaNovella · 04/01/2019 21:40

we all know what it's like to look after children - we've done it. We do it every weekend every holiday

If your children go to FT nursery you won’t have a clue what it is to bring children up at home FT.

Ozziewozzie · 04/01/2019 21:42

@whassupmissus
Seriously? Eatmycheese is not saying working is not a job or that it’s easy peasy.
It’s just that it’s a completely different environment to being a SAHM.
You have deadlines. So do SAHM.
SAHM may not get sacked over not meeting deadlines, but they definately have consequences.
At work, you’re often in a suitable environment where you can make calls, use a computer, chat things through with colleagues, participate in meetings, think clearly undisturbed.
SAHM don’t have these pleasures.
It’s really not a competition. Nobody is saying working mums are a cop out. Most people are responding to a comment made about SAHM pudding about in pj’s drinking lattes.
It is bloomin draining being with the kids 24/7 for numerous reasons. It’s also a pleasure. Mums either work in a work place or at home. It’s as simple as that. I’ve done both and personally found working far more easier, and yes I had countless deadlines pressures. It certainly wasn’t (as you put it) a low end job.
There are advantages and disadvantages both ways. I just think emotionally women can find it tough as it can be relentless and also a loss of identity. I’d love to be called ‘titty’ again. On the up side, threads like this have their numerous side. We live our kids whatever we are doing. When we are with them we want to escape. When we are away from them we can’t wait to get home to them.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 04/01/2019 21:47

Perhaps you didn't have a particularly responsible job which is why you don't get it

Well thats a bit below the belt

LL83 · 04/01/2019 21:48

@eatmycheese being a sahm must be really hard, I would struggle.

However I do have the overwhelming responsibility of being a parent while at work, but I have a boss and a team who I don't want to let down, as well as children who need me. The sick days, the school shows, allergy appointments. Scheduling childcare for all the extra days holiday here and there. Being at work is a change from the physical work of looking after children, it isn't a break from the mental load. (Or giving you anymore sleep at night)

I am not saying it is harder than a sahm as that will have its own challenges too but childminder does feeding/supervising for part of the day, she doesn't take on all the parental responsibilities.

Barbie222 · 04/01/2019 21:49

At work, you’re often in a suitable environment where you can make calls, use a computer, chat things through with colleagues, participate in meetings, think clearly undisturbed

Oh come on - most jobs aren't like this. I found staying at home really easy in comparison! It's a lot to do with the job you do.

ChristmasUsername · 04/01/2019 21:50

I'd say do what you're all comfortable with. Raising a child is more pressure than a ft job as some people don't have the choice but to be 24/7 parents, no childcare etc. Get used to people putting their unwanted opinions onto you, it comes with the territory of being a parent! The best reply would be 'we're all very happy with our arrangement' then a swift change of the subject. Good luck 😉

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 04/01/2019 21:55

I think having children and then working whether full time or part time is hard work

There was a reason why i didnt do it, if id thought WOH was a piece of piss i would have done it

I have had friends who found SAH incredibly hard when their children were small

Everyone is different and as long as its good for you and your family you should do what works for you

(To many yous Grin)

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 04/01/2019 22:02

Oh shit

Too many yous...

Eatmycheese · 04/01/2019 22:12

@whassupmissus what a delight you are. I've got four degrees, but not one of them in head patting which you clearly have a PhD in.

I had a highly paid career in the NHS which involved managing multi million pound budgets and several teams of staff. I am a trained lawyer and worked my arse off to build my career. I stopped and gave it up to have children. I have been asked to return several , times but I don't want to and what's more I don't need to.

Sorry I wasn't stacking shelves or something that you imagined I did, though even if I did it's irrelevant because your toxic drivel just shows me once again why women are their own worst enemy.

Your utterly obnoxious post has illustrated my previous point perfectly. It isn't me that has an axe to grind but so many women like you. I have no end of respect for working women,and have not once in this thread said otherwise but right now I wish I had.

I don't have to justify anything. But I will. Because people like you think that you are somehow superior and still fulfil my role while out flogging yourselves to death. I didn't want to say this but I will: Professional Martyr Syndrome.

Fuck this thread, I would rather stick hot knives up my fanjo than be talked down to by the likes of you.

whassupmissus · 04/01/2019 22:17

I've had 12 months maternity leave with three kids. I've changed the nappies done the night feeds. I get it's not easy for anyone who does it. personally. But when SAHP equate this to a job it boils my piss. Writing lists of things they do - I take my Dd to ballet, pay the bills, do the laundry etc - working parents do all this. The difference is you spend an extra 8 hours a day at home with the kids. I have no issue with that as a lifestyle choice. But it's not like working. If you don't want to go out or get dressed you don't. You are master of your own destiny. If you work you don't have the choice. And the responsibility of having to manage people meet deadlines and deliver results in order to keep your family clothed and fed is not the same as having to make the midwife appointment. If you want to stay at home then fine but don't pretend it's the equivalent of going to work.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/01/2019 22:21

@Eatmycheese

so you don't think the overwhelming responsibility of having to be on the ball... on fuck all sleep is less of a responsibility than a "proper" job?
No I don't think it's less responsibility than a "proper" job, I think it's at least equal. Did you mean the double negative?

If you'd read the rest of my posts you might have got my tone better. My 3.5 yo doesn't understand the concept of sleeping through or sleeping in or napping and I have to remember all his medical stuff on shit sleep. I have a shit load more responsibility on me than my DH does but for numerous reasons I still get up every night and I'm always the more tired.