To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

[SpottedTiger]

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

the current plan is for DH to continue working whilst I'm on Mat leave and then take over as SAHP until our youngest gets free nursery hours, then go back to PT work. He's been unable to work for long periods due to illness in the past, so I don't think this will affect him career wise. He currently works with someone who has recently returned from time as a SAHD, who has found it's worked well for him.

Sounds like a good solution for your family, and no different from what loads of women choose to do after they have kids. I hope it works out well for you all.

FaFoutis- my 22 month old is hyperactive and being assessed for autism. He climbs on everything and leaps off furniture. I have to have eyes in the back of my head. He won’t go to bed until 10pm and wakes up 2-3 times a night. Luckily he naps for a hour at lunchtime allowing me to take a prison shower and maybe make a couple of phone calls. There’s absolutely no way I could work from home while watching him.

I sympathise. My first was a bit like that. I lived next to a large park and used to take him there every morning to tire him out. We walked miles every day for years and that's how I managed (I didn't really manage, it was chaos but I did it).

SpottedTiger just to move the conversation on a bit, do you think his family are against it because, dare I say it... he's a man?

Would they feel the same if it was you staying at home with children after a period of illness and him being the main breadwinner? I doubt it very much. Perhaps they feel it's unfairly advantageous to you?

However, please don't call a SAHP a full- time job. Yes it's full- time as in takes up all your time but it is not a job. It's also an insult to us apparent part-time parent
Of course, a SAHP isn't insulted when told they do nothing, are a kept woman(or man), is thought to do yhe same amount of parenting as someone in FT paid employment despite the fact that the FT worker puts their DC into daycare for 8 hours...

Maybe WOHMs who use nurseries want to believe that NOTHING happens to their child while they are there? Hence WOHPs doing everything a SAHM does, because SAHMs do nothing with their children?

I think a lot of WOHMs probably mean that working parents still have to fit in cooking, cleaning, the domestic drudgery around keeping a family (and prepare the kids sandwiches for the following day etc) but they have a couple of hours a day to do that in. And in those couple of hours they'd really like to also be able to play with, sing to, read to, laugh with, and bath their dc. At least, that's how I feel. I'm going to drop down to a 4 day week so I get more time with my children without the constant pressure to do the household chores (and yes, dh does do an equal share but we currently both work full time).

MobMoll I hear you - I have two of those. One twin diagnosed with ASD who puts everything in his mouth, eats wooden toys, eats books, picks at brick and eats it, can’t have any toys with pieces as he will put the whole thing in his mouth. He also hurts himself around like he’s possessed.

The other twin is likely to be diagnosed with ASD soon - he is constantly climbing and launching himself off things. Always covered in bruises and currently has carpet burn on his face. I am constantly holding in a wee.

I work part time now and going to meetings is my only time away from them - it’s like a little holiday every time. Some people have no idea what it can be like.

I think it's also that there isn't anything that a sahp does that a wohp doesn't do, they just do more of it, so if you work and also do those things regularly, you don't see how doing them and not working makes you more of an expert. These aren't tasks which you get better at by doing them lots, after all.

For the person who claims it’s possible to work from home with a toddler? Just how? Surely you are giving neither the correct attention?

I used to try to take the odd call on my day off and even that was a nightmare. I’d hide upstairs and my kids would still find me and make loads of noise. I remember trying to negotiate a deal in a park once too. Again a nightmare.

Saying you can work at home with small, active children just puts more pressure on women.

One thing I’d be talking about is whether his health will enable him to be a SAHP. I’d had to stop working full time and go self employed (very casually) before I got pregnant due to my health. Taking care of our twins is much tougher than working full time for me personally and it’s a massive challenge for my healthwise, but then I do have two of them and they both have additional needs. I would definitely play it by ear. It’s really tough for us because we don’t have any family around so there’s no breaks whatsoever and I am totally exhausted. One is getting some funded nursery hours from this month due to DLA so they’re both going for two mornings a week - it will be the first time I’ll be able to have some rest time and they’re 28 months now. The hardest thing with kids is looking after them when you’re really unwell, even worse if they’re also ill - I miss being able to call in sick and go to bed and rest when ill. Having some kind of back up plan in place for when he’s ill would be ideal but I know from experience they don’t always exist. When the boys are at nursery they’ve said we can have adhoc hours as needed so that may be an option down the line.

I find these threads utterly bizarre. I actually cannot fathom the perspective that being a SAHP of a preschooler is NOT a full time job!

So the lady down the road from me is a childminder working from home 8am-6pm and her tasks during those hours include school run, preparing food, cleaning up, teaching based around the early year's expectations, visiting playgroups and classes, educational trips and the like. She gets paid around £100 per day.

A SAHP does all of those things yet they are also on call 24/7 as no doubt the WOHM parent will be doing little to no night wakings.

Can somebody explain? I am truly baffled!

You look after your own children and you're not working. But another lady down the road is looking after them and she IS working at a respectable job (our local childminder is very well respected in the community).

In my experience I have found every single job easier than staying home full time with children. I guess a lot of you hate your jobs. If it's such a doddle being a SAHP then why not be give up your jobs and be childminders?! It can be quite well paid and wouldn't be working after all!

I used to try to take the odd call on my day off and even that was a nightmare. I’d hide upstairs and my kids would still find me and make loads of noise.

My old boss admitted that she had sometimes played hide and seek with her daughter so she could hide away with her phone for 5 mins to call/ email someone. This wasn't a regular occurrence btw, it was when her nanny was ill. She was a chief exec so contactable 24/7. Ed Balls admitted to negotiating a budget while crawling through a soft play tunnel.

Saying you can work at home with small, active children just puts more pressure on women
You are completely right here. I did though.
The job and toddlers got the right amount of attention but I was not looking after myself and not spending any time with my husband. My point is that it is possible because I did it, and know others who still do it. It's nothing new either, poor women have always done it.

A colleague of mine’s wife tried to work around his hours, they almost ended up divorced. I’m a college teacher so hours are generally 8-5 but depending on how far from the college you live, that means you can be out of the house 7-6. It’s a long day. His wife was then working nights as a nurse so she would leave as he returned. It really didn’t work out, their marriage almost broke down. You need to have time with each other too else what is the point in being married...

I am on mat leave atm and it is easier than when I am working FT and also do all of this...

no doubt the WOHM parent will be doing little to no night wakings.

Eh? Yeah, because when either of ours wakes up full of snot or crying because of a bad dream we just cheerfully leave them to it and return to sleep without a second thought.

no doubt the WOHM parent will be doing little to no night wakings.

What the ACTUAL fuck.

Are you for real?

no doubt the WOHM parent will be doing little to no night wakings

Im a bit lost with this as well

How does it work with two working parents

I think if you are mostly solely responsible for a pre schoolar it is a ft job, yes.
Working parents just do the caring bit, they even call it childcare.
Parenting is different if you are providing education for your child rather than a nursery then it's a job.
Housework is something different and nothing to do with educating and parenting.
The housework had to wait until dc were in bed and we did it together at night, or one would do it whilst the other parented and educated the children.
It's just a different role to one where you work out of the home.

These threads are always popping up and nobody can ever agree so everyone spends their time arguing and saying that their side is much harder than the other.

Who actually gives a damn? Why do we spend time and energy attacking each other rather than supporting others in their life choices? We are all doing what is right for us and our own family.

Sahp are working as they are bringing up their own children instead of paying somebody else to do it. Working parents can’t simply put dc in a box until they get home from work so somebody has to look after them and raise them in the hours that they are working away from home.

On the other hand, Sahp can fit in some housework during the day so it is slightly easier for them in the evenings and weekends as some chores are completed during the working week.

We should be supporting each other in their choices, and trying to look at it from the other side. Would make the world a better place.

SpottedTiger, I think your dh may find it too tiring to work around your hours as well as raising your dd so perhaps best to stay at home at least until she starts school.

@Barbie222
I think it's also that there isn't anything that a sahp does that a wohp doesn't do, they just do more of it, so if you work and also do those things regularly, you don't see how doing them and not working makes you more of an expert. These aren't tasks which you get better at by doing them lots, after all
I'm not sure about this to be honest. Yes, many of the things a SAHP does may be repetitive tasks that a WOHP will also do just to a lesser extent, but some of my FT WOHP friends never take their preschool age children to playgroups/classes or do craft activities etc as they feel that their DC get enough socialisation with other kids and access to these activities whilst at nursery. I now have a child that does some days in preschool and what we do together those days is completely different to what we do when she's not at preschool and you are solely responsible for ensuring she is stimulated throughout the day and gets enough exercise. I honestly think parenting as a SAHP isn't just more of the same stuff that a WOHP does.

@LaurieMarlow
@Rufusthebewilderedreindeer

What I meant if it wasn't clear - when one parent stays home full time they typically do all night wakings - this has been the case in my household and my son is 3.5 and still wakes most nights at some point. It is exhausting. DH has ear plugs and has slept 8 hours straight since he was born. Every other SAHP parent I've ever known has done the same. The WOHM parent gets the sleep as it's deemed that they need to function better for their job, concentration etc.

I'm guessing 2 x WOHM parents do 50/50 split of night wakings?

Given what I've experienced I'd have given ANYTHING to have been the working parent over the last 3.5 years, literally anything - so when people say a SAHP doesn't work I find it wholly insulting and unfathomable. The past 3 years have been harder than any job I've encountered.

no doubt the WOHM parent will be doing little to no night wakings what the hell do you think single working parents do 😂

OP I'd advise him to at least keep his foot in the door of paid employment by working part time. If the relationship breaks down he doesn't want to be financially dependent on you. Equally he doesn't want to have to stay if he becomes unhappy just for financial reasons. Same as you wouldn't want to have to stay if unhappy because you would feel guilty. You will likely be granted less access in the event of a split also if he is unemployed.

I know I sound negative but I always give advice based on my experiences as a single mum and would give the same advice to both men and women.

It depends on the individual though.
If you see sahp as housework, with a bit of childcare thrown in, like many do then it's mundane but not really a job.

If you see sah(P) as a parenting role, to educate as well as caring, then of course it's a job.
Some children don't have the same opportunities when both parents work.
Then they need to decide whats best for their children. Some people can manage fine and just go through their life on a treadmill, others prefer the freedom to offer their children more.

@WaterOffaDucksCrack - true to a point but the single parents I know (only 3) all share 50/50 custody so are able to catch up on sleep 3 or 4 days of the week? They can get 10 hours unbroken sleep if they want to. Granted this doesn't apply to single parents with sole or primary custody - I just don't know any of these so I wasn't talking about them.