To ask about your decision not to have any more children?

[MissyCooper]

I’m feeling sad tonight. Holidays over. Back to work tomorrow. And I’m clearing out the kids’ rooms to make room for their mountains of new stuff, which means ruthless clearing of tiny toys and clothes.

My girls are 4 and 18 months and they’re my whole world. However, for various reasons (mainly financial) DH and I feel quite sure that we won’t be having any more children.

I know it’s the right thing for our family. but I feel so sad about it. Sad that the baby stage of my life is over. Sad that I’ll never buy tiny vests, bottles, nappies again.

It’s made me wonder if I’ll regret this decision in later life. It’s not that we can’t afford a third - we would manage - but it would be tight and I fear would negatively impact on the girls (also in terms of the time I spend with them etc). I feel like it would be selfish.

I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this and if there is anything that can help me come to terms with it? How did you make this decision?

I have DS (almost 3) and we have decided to stop at one. Although I know it is the right decision (PND, colic and reflux in the first year which was unbearable) it does make me sad as I love the toddler years and would love another couple of toddlers. However I focus on the positives of our decision in terms of time for DS and more money etc and that makes it easier :)

I’m in a similar position OP. DDs are 5 and 1. I’m sad that I won’t have any more and I’m often feeling broody. But we’ve decided not to for similar reasons to yourself.

I’m now looking at booking a holiday for the summer and feeling glad that we can still afford one and that we aren’t limited because so many places don’t allow 3 children over a certain age in your room. I’m also glad that the nursery fees won’t be forever and before/after school care when I’m at work is expensive and would be ridiculous for three!

So all practical reasons really. I don’t know if I’d feel satisfied with 3 and whether I’d want just one more after this. With two I know I have a good amount of time for them and finances aren’t too tight.

It’s a tough decision for some and I’ll read the replies with interest.

I had my first and last baby 2 months ago. I was a happy only child, but even if I had theoretically wanted another beforehand there are so many things I wouldn't want to do again. Waiting for the 12 week scan terrified in case of a missed miscarriage. Mentally monitoring movement all day every day from 24 weeks. Waiting anxiously for screening results. The birth! Baby blues. Imagining wrangling a school run, a toddler and a newborn makes me want to cry!

We were in the process of trying to reconcile ourselves to having only two when we accidentally conceived #3. I have to say that knowing he really really was the last time helped me come to terms with it. Though I'm sad that that part of my life is over, I'm excited about all the wonderful stages yet to come. Our youngest starts school in September and life is getting easier, we're slowly able to do more exciting things together. I think once you can put away the nappies and bottles for good and start having days out without needing a ton of baby stuff you start to see that there's life beyond the baby stage!

Mine are 6 months younger than yours and I feel the same. I found the lack of sleep / time to myself much harder the second time so adamant no more (and my OH even more so) but it's still sad there will be no more newborn snuggles or learning to crawl or tasting ice cream for the first time etc. I'm not sure there is a solution but I think once no one in the house is napping any more or needs pushchairs or nappies, it will give so much more freedom just being able to leave the house without a million baby / toddler bags etc and I think after that it would be hard to go back again to nappies and sleepless nights. I'm also looking forward to doing things like a trip to a big city for a day which seems a bit unthinkable with the way things are at the moment

I agree with the freedom bit! We can now leave the house with very little and I can't imagine going back to the changing bag days!

I have two, 5 and 1. I would love to have more but we just can not afford it. We would have to wait until dd2 was 3 or 4 as we can’t afford two in nursery at the same time and I just couldn’t face starting again!

Dc2 ended up being twins, I do feel kinda cheated that I won’t get to have the dc3 we planned separately. I love the family I have though.

I'm the same, I have one 19 month old and while the heart says yes the head very much says no. We can't afford it and I didn't enjoy the newborn stage much, it's very hard work. But I feel so broody - if there was an anti broodiness pill I'd take it in a heartbeat.

It is sad. We only have one, DS who is 6. I do feel a pang and wish I could rewind him, he was the most adorable, happy, good sleeping baby and toddler.
He is fab now by the way, bright, imaginative and loving.
I don’t like noise or mess and need a lot of me time, so that’s one reason.
I like nice holidays and send DS to private school, so that’s another reason.
I had ICSI, 2 losses, placenta praevia, pelvic girdle pain, terrible nausea and a valsalva retinopathy- more reasons.
I am an only child and am perfectly well adjusted and happy- another reason.
The world is overpopulated and doesn’t need loads more people. Another reason.
Make a pros and cons list?

My two are twins, we're done.

The sleepless nights were relentless and I hated motherhood for a long time. I would never want to feel like that again, ever! I love them dearly but never again.

Yes that’s how I feel - broody as fuck. Although I do see the freedom point. DH is pretty adamant at the moment that he’s done. He loves the girls but has found the lack of sleep, the financial burden etc of two young children very difficult and is looking forward to getting some of his life back. I do agree. It’ll be fab to get DD2 out of nappies and when they are like 3 and 5 life will be so much easier.

It’s just sad though.

We only ever wanted 2 (2nd was born when I was 37), so it really was a pretty easy decision and not one I’ve ever second guessed. But I think what helped is focusing on all the things we’ll get to do because we only have 2.

We get to buy the house that we’d like and also have cars that easily fit the four of us. We get to travel more as a family and also as a couple. We’ll get more alone time soon. Once the baby years are behind us, we can get a babysitter and have dinners out or even a weekend away again (no way we could easily leave 3 children behind for a weekend away, 2 is pushing it). We can afford more activities for them and spend more one on one time with them. I don’t have to take more time off work, which means I can be more focused and progress further in my career, which I genuinely enjoy. And it’s easier for each of us to take time away leaving the other at home, which means we have time to recharge, see friends, travel without the other being totally exhausted at home.

DH also says “you’d still feel sad though no matter how many babies we have. You need to stop somewhere” and he’s right of course

I had a tubal ligation after DC3 who is now 2.9. So far I haven't felt broody despite meeting about 5 New born babies in that period. I don't want to regret my decision.

We knew that we would be unlikely to ever to be able to afford a third. I am only 24 though so if we end up becoming multimillionaires in the next decade we can always reconsider I suppose. I feel a bit done with it all to be honest. Looking forward to spending quality time with my now reasonable children

I would love another. My children are 4 & 2.5. It almost feels like we have left it too long!

My biggest factor though is that my husband had an affair when our youngest was about 9 months. We are working on things but I don’t feel like I could have another child with him and it makes me so sad that what he did has such far reaching effects.

I have 3 and I love each individual child but I am still broody in that I'd love another baby but not another child iyswim. It's clear now 2 would have been easier. I thought my third would change how I felt but like your dh says there is always a desire for another snuggly baby, hoping for some more in family so I can get all the joy from being an aunt.

3 makes holidays difficult as few family rooms cater. More juggling in aftershock activities etc.

And they bicker constantly when there us just two around there is more if a need to be friends as nobody else available to play with

I always wanted two, but after a difficult pregnancy and birth that means I'd be at higher risk of complications plus the fact my mental health still hasn't recovered after 6 years, well, we decided to stop at one.

I do feel a sadness about it, but I need to be here and as fit and healthy as possible for DS.

First time round was twins. I wouldn’t change it for the world but my god it was tough. Really tough. No family help and I really struggled a lot. When the twins started to get easier - 4ish - we decided to go again, because I really missed out on having just an easier enjoyable time with one baby and really wanted one more. So we have 3 and it’s perfect for me. I couldn’t stretch myself to a third, I would find it too hard work. I feel sad mine are growing up everyday but I don’t have any desire to go again. I am quite happy to never go to mothercare and buy all those bits again and go through all those first stages again...I think if I did feel sad about that then I would struggle to say ‘I’m done’.

I always have moments when I’m nostalgic, and my “baby” is 9 yo. But I mostly miss the idyllic part of having babies and being at that stage in life.

To be fair, having older kids is amazing. Still fun to do family activities, uninterrupted sleep, no more wiping various bodily fluids. Also, kids are old enough that me and dh can go out by ourselves occasionally.

I have 2 with seven years between them. My youngest is 18 months and it was really hard to go back to the beginning, especially with the sleep deprivation. We are definitely done now but I do feel the odd pang that I will never have another. My youngest was premature and spent a month in the NICU so the fear of going through that again is a big enough deterrent when the broodiness hits

SO glad we stopped at 2. They same sex and get on really well now youngest 10 we can do so much as a family. Love cinema then dinner, travel, physical stuff like horse riding canoeing, canyoning couldn’t do nearly as much with a younger child to factor in. I was one of 3 myself so didnt want that family type though my family are lovely. Someone always left out and 3 kids feels too many. I wouldn’t go back to the baby days for any money. Baffled at these celebs having more and more kids dear god why!

@TinselandToblerones - dh and I talked about 4 dc. Dc 3 ended up being twins. Sometimes things happen for a reason

I feel sad that my youngest will be 2 in may. Feels like sand slipping through my fingers, at how fast her baby hood has gone. But sometimes you must think with your head and ignore the broody ovaries lol. Write a list of pros and cons and i think the cons, would easily outweigh the pros (needing bigger house, you dont get entry deals for theme parks etc, for a family of five etc).