To ask about your decision not to have any more children?

[MissyCooper]

I’m feeling sad tonight. Holidays over. Back to work tomorrow. And I’m clearing out the kids’ rooms to make room for their mountains of new stuff, which means ruthless clearing of tiny toys and clothes.

My girls are 4 and 18 months and they’re my whole world. However, for various reasons (mainly financial) DH and I feel quite sure that we won’t be having any more children.

I know it’s the right thing for our family. but I feel so sad about it. Sad that the baby stage of my life is over. Sad that I’ll never buy tiny vests, bottles, nappies again.

It’s made me wonder if I’ll regret this decision in later life. It’s not that we can’t afford a third - we would manage - but it would be tight and I fear would negatively impact on the girls (also in terms of the time I spend with them etc). I feel like it would be selfish.

I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this and if there is anything that can help me come to terms with it? How did you make this decision?

Similar position OP except mine are older- nearly 10 and 6. I would dearly love another child. But we almost certainly won’t. Since my second was three I’ve told myself it’s fine, I’ve got time on my side, we can wait... and that’s still true, I’m only mid thirties but it’s so unlikely now as the gap gets bigger. I always wanted a big family.

I always wanted 2. Felt great relief when I was handed my second baby after giving birth...Felt done. Sometimes miss them being babies but couldn't pay me to have another one. I am really enjoying clearing out the baby stuff and moving on to the next stages of our lives. Everything was so cluttered with the baby stuff and I guess I associate it with pnd and severe sleep deprivation.

I would have liked a third, but DH died before DD2’s first birthday.
In retrospect, I’m glad I only had two, as it was a struggle to raise them alone while working, and I’ve only just managed to cover their uni fees and mortgage deposits now they’re grown up.
The broodiness will pass, OP, and you’ll enjoy each new stage of your DC’s lives.

When I was pregnant I was terrified that my child would have additional needs that made them a lifelong burden for me. DH and I argued repeatedly because I insisted if the baby wasn’t healthy I wanted it adopted, and if he insisted on keeping it I’d leave him. It would be a huge mess if i had a second child who had those needs that I was terrified of. And it would have a terrible impact on my first child to have a sibling who sucked up all my time and energy. I feel like I don’t want to push my luck and ruin what I currently have. It would be like spinning that roulette wheel again; you don’t know what you’ll end up with. One spin was stressful enough for me!

I have two a similar age to yours. We are stopping at two for a number of reasons (health, money, space, logistics of three etc). It is a very rational, head-over-heart decision. I have moments of sadness over no more baby kicks, no more newborn days. I wonder if I'm mourning the end of the era rather than wishing for more children. Either way, I'm sure the decision is the right one, but allow myself to feel the sadness. Is it a feeling that re-emerges even after 3, 4 children?

I have one DS who will be 5 next month. Myself and ex tried for 3 years for another, I had two miscarriages in that time. But now I've come to terms with it, and the fact that actually I'm fine with the one - I'm too lazy!! DS has slept through every night without fail since he was 9 weeks, and he lets me have a lie in till around 10 at weekends by playing on his tablet in the living room (I never asked him to do this 😂)
If I have another I will have to move eventually. I'm currently on housing benefit and it took me 18 months to find a landlord who'd accept me. The thought of going through that again panics me.
At the moment I can just about afford to buy DS decent trainers and clothes, I remember a childhood spent in too small clothes and cheap shoes, and how I'd get teased for it. I'm not putting my own children through that, kids can be cruel.

I didn't want anymore from when my daughter turned 5 and she is now 18. My dd became disabled at 5 which put me off as of the care my dd required and I was right as hospital appointments were never ending and only just slow down now.
Also all the school appointments and college appointments and other medical appointments all add up. So I didn't feel the need for anymore children. It's ashame but it was never ending with my dd and still isn't

I was told you won't regret having another child but you might regret not having one.

Sorry I know that is not what you wanted to hear but it helped clarify things for me.

I'd have gone on for a fourth but DH said three was enough and so I decided to go along with that, as I was late 30s and thought he was quite reasonable.

I felt having babies was like a drug - I wasn't that fussed about having any but once I'd had one I wanted to keep going. So I told myself that if I had had a fourth, I'd have wanted a fifth. Etc.

Very happy with my lot now and very glad I had a third. But I'm sure I'd be very happy if I'd gone on to have a fourth too!

However as mine get older they do need more individual time, to talk and do things (activities, sports etc) that they are interested in. We are quite rushed doing all of that every weekend and evening - the talking to them is so important as they get older - so having another one would make that more difficult.

We wanted one but when I had DS1, I became incredibly broody and so DD arrived 14 months later.

I felt like you, and so we decided to have another go when DD was 2. DS2 came along, closely followed by surprise DS3.

Apart from the fact that they were all delivered by c-section and my gynecologist said I couldn't have any more, I genuinely didn't want any more and so was steralised. DS3 is now 4, and I don't regret the decision.

DH is still adamant that two is the right number, but we are incredibly grateful and happy for our family, and love them to pieces.

(I don't think we will ever own our own home though, and we are pretty saint, as I had to stop working after our 3rd child as childcare costs were more than my TA salary)

2 children same age as yours op and we are definitely done at 2, despite thoughts of how lovely it would be to have another- I think of the reality and shudder!

I think when the youngest is 18mo they really are leaving the baby stage. They stop wearing babygros, start talking, running and become proper toddlers. Thoughts of squidy, sweet tiny newborns creep in...

For me these were the reasons we are done:

I've been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for 5 years. I want my body back, or even some semblance of what is used to be....

Being pregnant and sleep deprived sucks

I've had 2 bad sleepers which have aged me by 10 years in just 4 years... it has really impacted my performance at work

They were not just bad sleepers but intense kids, demanding a lot of attention during the day

Giving enough attention to each I find hard with just 2

Having to juggle naps/demands of toddler/preschooler with another child

The expense of childcare. It's not even worth me going to work now (at £45x2 = £90 A day).

We don't have family around to help us out. That's a huge factor. Getting someone to cover the childcare of older kids for birth of #3 would be hard. Just writing it down sounds cathartic!!

I'm with Silkei, I couldn't imagine doing the baby/toddler bit again, found it pretty awful to be honest, can never quite fathom how people willingly go through it again once they know what it's like. She's nearly 5 now though so it's a lot better.

I have a DD and pregnant. The thought of this baby being my last is devastating to me. We have spoken about perhaps one more in years to come that's a decision to make in the future. I feel I really need to enjoy this pregnancy incase it's my last

I was told you won't regret having another child but you might regret not having one
This is really damaging bullshit tbh.
Loads of people regret having babies.

I am a single mum and only ever envisaged having one child as long as I was single. However my son had a serious condition in pregnancy which can recur in future pregnancies so I think it's unlikely (although not completely impossible) that I would try to have more children even if I met someone.

First pregnancy (DD age 3) - pre and postnatal depression, awful sickness in pregnancy, horrendous long labour resulting in forceps and episiotomy, minor haemorrhage, anaemia, difficult recovery.

Second (DS now 5 weeks old) - amazing pregnancy, amazing birth but haemorrhaged at home due to retained products a few days later and developed sepsis. Only just starting to feel better physically... Mentally not so much.

People ask if we will have another. No thanks! Perfect daughter, perfect son, I've everything I ever wanted and it would be selfish to put my life at risk (in my eyes) again.

I have a 5 yo and a 10 week old. We always thought we would probably stop at two but prior to DC2 arriving we weren't absolutely sure. I love both my DC but the last few weeks have 100% confirmed that I will not be having any more. I am so fucking exhausted. I'm still in my mid 30's but the sleep deprivation has been so much more difficult to cope with, emotionally and physically, than it was a few years ago when we had DC1. I feel like I have a permanent hangover.

I think that once life with DC1 started to get a lot easier I became nostalgic for the tiny baby stage and looked back on it through rose tinted glasses. Now I'm right in the thick of it again it's all come flooding back and it's like "oh yeah, now I remember this complete and utter fucking torture from last time but my stupid overies tricked me into forgetting how shit it was". I adore DC2 but I've realised that the next 12 months is basically going to be a means to an end for me and I'm looking forward to the toddler/preschool years. I'll be glad to leave the colic, endless changing, feeding and winding cycle and sleepless nights behind and have no desire to revisit it a third time. DH is going to have a vasectomy very soon as we both know that once DC2 becomes an actual person who walks and talks and sleeps for more than three hours at a time one or both of us might get broody again and forget all of the above!

I have two (4 and 15 months), and we're definitely done. I do get a little pang of sadness every now and then, like today when I was sorting out baby clothes. But I think it is more nostalgia for babyhood being over, rather than wanting another baby IYSWIM. DH finds parenthood hard work so he's definitely done. Aside from that, it would just squeeze us that bit too much financially, put too much extra pressure on our relationship etc.

I feel I'm in a funny place at the moment, as the children are still very demanding: neither sleep through the night (15mo still breastfeeding and cosleeping) and the 4 year old likes me to lie next to him and hold his hand while he goes to sleep! Consequently, I feel I've lost myself a bit since DC2 was born and I can't quite see how I'm going to regain any sense of self. However, at the same time I can see on the horizon a time when they'll need me less, and I'm just wondering whether by that time I'll know what to do with myself and be able to get back on track. Or whether I will become one of those people who lives through their children because they have forgotten how to live any other way.

I know now I'm done at 2. Mine are 6 and 9. I miscarried pregnancy 3 and terminated 4. That's a whole other story. I thought I wanted another until I realised I didn't.

The older they get the more fun we have. Having a baby would take my time and energy away from my dds and they deserve 100% of their mum. We are a happy unit.

I'm 39 now and if I met someone I wanted to have another with it's probably too late but I'm fine with that now. There's years of childhood left :-)

It's going to sound stupid but fears over pedophilia, world war etc played a huge part in decision to stop at two. Actually even two is a bit scary.

The baby stage is so amazing you can't help but want to do it again. But it's going to end again and then what? I'm already nostalgic for the baby stage and my dc is still a baby.

I’m pregnant with number 2 and have found this pregnancy hard. I’ve been saying we’re done but it seems so final and we won’t get rid of the baby stuff once this baby is done with it so I guess we’re keeping our options open otherwise we’d be ready to get rid of things as the baby outgrows them. Financially and career wise 2 makes the most sense for us but it does seem like a hard decision to make. If we had a big lottery win I’d have a third so I guess it is sad that logistics and money becomes the overriding factor.

jamieoliver you sound like you have PND. If you haven't already, why don't you talk to your GP?

Having children is fucking hard but not always and you sound in a very low place.

Good luck

I have a 1 year old and 4 year old. I love babies and certainly look back at pregnancy with rose tinted glasses as I was quite poorly but would probably go for one more.

My DH it adamant that 2 are enough. Both financially and mentally. I agree as I have suffered badly with my mental health and I'm starting to see a future that's not all consuming so for us, 2 is enough.

Plus nursery fees are crippling us! I'll be working at a loss for the next 3 years.

I'm just going to cuddle all my friends babies

It is absolutely possible to regret having children Ive. There is a thread in classics I believe with a lot of posters stating that they do regret it and there are Facebook groups dedicated to it etc. I don't regret my DS but I absolutely would regret another and I have to remember that I know my strengths and limitations better than anyone when people post about noone ever regretting a child.

It is because of my love of children that I have limited my family to two.

Children in large families have to take a smaller cut of everything.

Time, space, resources, attention, parental energy.