To ask about your decision not to have any more children?

[MissyCooper]

I’m feeling sad tonight. Holidays over. Back to work tomorrow. And I’m clearing out the kids’ rooms to make room for their mountains of new stuff, which means ruthless clearing of tiny toys and clothes.

My girls are 4 and 18 months and they’re my whole world. However, for various reasons (mainly financial) DH and I feel quite sure that we won’t be having any more children.

I know it’s the right thing for our family. but I feel so sad about it. Sad that the baby stage of my life is over. Sad that I’ll never buy tiny vests, bottles, nappies again.

It’s made me wonder if I’ll regret this decision in later life. It’s not that we can’t afford a third - we would manage - but it would be tight and I fear would negatively impact on the girls (also in terms of the time I spend with them etc). I feel like it would be selfish.

I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this and if there is anything that can help me come to terms with it? How did you make this decision?

My first and only is five weeks old. My partner also has a twelve year old son and we are older parents (38 and 43) and do stressful jobs with shift work (NHS). If we had another one we would have to move house and the childcare would also be expensive.

I worry that we wouldn’t be able to give as much attention and quality time if we had another - at the moment I can manage caring for my baby whilst still being able to make time to do things with my stepson when he is with us.

I have a (probably irrational) fear that to have another one might be pushing our luck. If we ended up with a twin pregnancy we would really struggle and there’s a higher risk of genetic disorders af my age.

Finally the thought of going through ttc, pregnancy and childbirth again at my age is just exhausting!

So happy to stick with just one. I’m sure I will have moments where I feel sad about not having more but having taken quite a long time to conceive my son and had the fear that I’d never be a mum at all, I am very happy just to have him!

We stopped at 2. We very nearly stopped at 1 but decided we didn't want intentionally to leave DC1 without any birth family in middle age.

DW had a very bad pregnancy with DC1 -- in hospital for something like 7 times with hyperemesis. With DC2 she had a different obstetrician who made a better job of managing it but it was still very heavy going. She also has long-term health conditions and pregnancy made them worse each time.

We married when I was 42. I was 46 when DC1 was born and 49 when DC2 was born. That means when DC2 turns 21 I will be 70. That's late enough; obviously no-one knows how long they have, but I'd prefer it if I was still around to see them into adulthood and I think they probably would too.

So for us 2 was enough.

Two here, I wanted more but we lost a baby in between our DS'S it was a late miscarriage and just about broke me. I was a complete basket case through my third pregnancy (I know we were lucky).
I was honestly worried about my mental health and messing my beautiful boys childhood up. My marriage was pretty joyless as well. We are still together and boys now 9 and 6 things are easier again I didn't enjoy the baby years.
I can say all this and add with couldn't have afforded more but I just remind myself I am so lucky to have two sons.

I had two then a gap another then another gap. I would have liked them closer but circumstances meant that wasn’t possible. After the third son I wanted another but DH didn’t. I had a surprise five years later and had a DD. I had very high blood pressure and had a fit just after she was born. The consultant said I would be unwise to have anymore children. I was quite poorly and this was enough to make me decide.
I felt like you sad putting the tiny things away and sending most to my sister. Then I started a new career and was fine. I only felt like it again at Christmas nursing my best friends latest grandson a fortnight old. I don’t have any grandchildren.

Actually I don't think you're sad after all of them.
I wasn't 'done' with 2. I had a third, very unwisely and shouldn't have. I DEFINITELY didn't want more, there was no chance, not even a decision. I just wasn't having it to the point I was sterilised as soon as humanly possible.
I wish I'd ignored the broodiness. My life would be amazing now, it's rubbish and I'm stuck with the sleepless nights, toddler tantrums, still on nappies etc. I hate it and wish I'd never done it. My life will be crap until they're at school at least.
Count your blessings and don't ruin what you've got.x

I had the decision taken away from me, I was nearly 38 when I had my DS, we tried for another baby for several years, but I had several miscarriages. After my marriage ended I got pregnant with my much younger partner at the age of 44, I miscarried at 16 weeks, was diagnosed with endometriosis, had to have several operations than ended all my hopes with a hysterectomy. Before this we had discussed IVF but couldn't afford it, ironically the year after my hysterectomy I got a lump sum from my pension & could have afforded to have it. I've come to the conclusion that it wasn't meant to be, my partner died 4 years ago at the age of 34 & much as I wish I had his child, I'm chronically ill & would be struggling with a 7 year old now as well as a moody nearly 15 year old.

Sorry Nat x

It is sad I know the feeling. I felt like this after having my third and was desperate for another baby when he was about 2.
I have baby number four now and I know she is definitely my last. So I’m just cherishing every single moment while she’s a little baby. I’m definitely not having any more so this is it now...

I’m still broody. Mine are 7 and 3. I was sterilised 2 years ago. No way would I ever have another child, for the family and my health.
Even though I know I don’t want it and it isn’t actually possible I do say dream about having another one.

I am very glad I stopped at 2.

I have been able to give them opportunities and experiences, individual attention that would have been difficult with more.
My DD was able to pursue a hobby as a teenager to a very high level, we have had some lovely family holidays and travelled which would have been difficult financially with more children.

Now we are at the University/driving stage I shudder to think how we would have managed with a bigger brood.

I mean this in the kindest way, OP, but I think you need to find some "life" for yourself. It sounds like your girls are lucky to have you, but if you're feeling like this when they're still this little I worry you won't cope when they grow up and leave home. We create and raise children to build and start their own journeys in the world, not to be our whole world. In my opinion...

I have stopped at one DC as she's everything I could possibly have wanted and I have a full life with her and away from her.

But OP what is the answer?

To keep having babies so you never have to say goodbye to the infant stage?
Because if you have another you will be in the same position in a couple of years time- so what then? Another baby?
It's natural to feel wistful but really your oldest is only 4, the adventure has on;y just begun.

Instead of looking back look forward, you have years mothering your two children to come, all the school years yet.
The best is yet to come!

And no one told me the teenage years would be actually fantastic, even better than the baby.toddler child stage.

( and in fact I am enjoying my kids more than ever now they are young adults- it's bliss to have myself back too!)

Wise words puppy. I am watching my friends (all early 40s) blossom as we come out of the intense needy baby /little children stage. We are focussing on careers starting businesses hobbies sport travel. The baby toddler stage will end eventually it seems a little sad somehow to try to desperately cling onto it. Life is for living not just passing on.

We've two, 18 months apart.

Both DH and I felt broody for a third, but at different times. Since we could never agree we didn't go for it. Honestly that really was the best decision ever for us.

The broodiness passed quickly when I analysed what I actually wanted. Another snuffly baby or another human permanently in our lives? Once I thought hard about it I realised I was actually missing our current DCs baby days which flew by. They are 8 & 9 now.

I thought I was done at 4 and was really pushed into being sterilised at time of c section
Bitterly regretted it immediately. Took 5 years to get pregnant again after a huge amount of treatment and operations and we are so grateful with dc5 but I think physically I couldn’t have a sixth c section so for that reason I’m 99% sure we are done

Easy decision. I feel I can give my attention to two. I had them at 32 and 34 so feel I will still be relatively young when they're teenagers. If I had another now I would be 40 when they're born and was pretty lucky with pregnancy and birth and dont want my luck to run out! Don't have to move from our zone 2 3-bed place with lots of amenities to somewhere suburban with more space. Working 2 days a week in a middle management job and know that in 5 years I can move roles. A baby would extend the time I'm focusing on kids in my flexible job rather than doing something more challenging. Just a combination of many things. We like our lives and like PPs have said, holidays etc all easier with two! We can get away with not having a massive car too!

We have an 8 yr old. When she was 3 or 4 DH got the snip. There were so, so many very good reasons that meant our family was complete. We were comfortable with that decision.

Now? I'm not sure what happened but I would absolutely love another child. We can't obviously. Sensible head also says that all the reasons DH got a vesetomy are still valid, nothing has changed in that respect so actually we did the right thing.

Mine are 13 and 7 and we can't have any more for health reasons. I'm mostly fine with it; the odd pang when I hold a newborn or see teeny weeny socks in M&S, but it's happened this way and I'm spectacularly grateful to have had two DC before my body gave out.

I have a 16 month old boy and another boy who is soon to turn 5.

I would love another baby but DH has said no and it makes me feel very sad. I feel so envious of pregnant people because it’s such a magical time, as is having the baby, and it upsets me to think I will never experience that again.

In a perfect world I’d love another 3.
I only have the 1.
Her dad left us and despite having boyfriends since then, they all have turned out to be arseholes, so now I’m starting to think I’ll never have the chance to have another baby. It makes me so sad. I cry about it probably more than I should.
NHS dont fund ivf with a donor if you have a child already and the alternative (perfectly timed shagging a stranger) feels wrong.
I’d adopt but I don’t fit their criteria I don’t think.

Also mine were awful sleepers. Like months of hourly waking. I was a zombie for the first 3 years of parenthood and just didn't socialise. I'm enjoying having a social life again.

I'd had 4 and I was 44. I'm knackered!

Mine are 9 and 11 now and I will always regret not having a third. I m 40 this year, DH 42 and its just too far back to the baby stage! He is adamant he doesn't want any more and I don't want a third enough to find someone else :-) the way I see it, if we were meant to be 5 we would be and we aren't!!!

I can barely cope with one kid. I’m constantly exhausted and regularly in tears. I can’t get anything done because I’m not allowed to put him down, he cries if I leave him alone. I want my life back - simple pleasures like reading a book or watching a film. I couldn’t cope with another child - one is quite enough of a burden.

It wasn't a hard choice for me - though I love kids, I'm not very broody as such. In an ideal world I would have had 3 (I'm a youngest of 3), and we could have afforded it, but the financial strain of the pre-school years was massive and oppressive, and also I wanted to have childbearing over before I was 35 as I have a congenital issue that was likely to make running after young kids hard after 40, so I had my second at 33 and was done with it.

Also, we were fortunate that both kids were 'easy' babies and toddlers who slept decently, didn't have terrible 2s, no major health problems and honestly we felt it would be pushing our luck to have a third. After PFB, we were convinced the 2nd child would be Satan to 'make up' for how easy she was, so when we struck lucky both times I honestly felt it couldn't happen again, and I'd always been quite scared of having a really bad sleeper or baby with colic etc. That was a minor reason not to, but it played a small part in finding the decision easier.