To ask about your decision not to have any more children?

[MissyCooper]

I’m feeling sad tonight. Holidays over. Back to work tomorrow. And I’m clearing out the kids’ rooms to make room for their mountains of new stuff, which means ruthless clearing of tiny toys and clothes.

My girls are 4 and 18 months and they’re my whole world. However, for various reasons (mainly financial) DH and I feel quite sure that we won’t be having any more children.

I know it’s the right thing for our family. but I feel so sad about it. Sad that the baby stage of my life is over. Sad that I’ll never buy tiny vests, bottles, nappies again.

It’s made me wonder if I’ll regret this decision in later life. It’s not that we can’t afford a third - we would manage - but it would be tight and I fear would negatively impact on the girls (also in terms of the time I spend with them etc). I feel like it would be selfish.

I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this and if there is anything that can help me come to terms with it? How did you make this decision?

'I can see on the horizon a time when they'll need me less'

@mockorangery ^^This!

4yo and 18mo and I feel like there is not enough of me to go round, but at the same time can also thing that the most physically demanding part and sleeplessness must get better at some point soon.

I used to have a little fuzzy warm Aww moment when friends announced they were pregnant and thought about how lovely it was and all the new born snuggles. Now I just thank God it's not me going through the newborn stage again!

I’ve got two teens. At one point we thought about having a third, but I went back to work instead! So the right decision as two is plenty. We’d gave had to move to a bigger house, get a bigger car (I hate driving big cars so I would e struggled), earn more money etc. The logistics weren’t in place and the youngest - DS - was such hard work as a toddler/young child I had had enough. It means by the time I’m 50 I’ll have one adult and one nearly adult child which is fab.

The two people I know who have three kids both regret having the third. Not to say everyone with three regrets it, of course, however it is totally possible to regret.

Do people miss the baby stage??? I love looking back at photos but I can’t imagine ever wanting to do this again!

My baby is 6 months old and will definitely be an only child.

Two seems like a lot already! I was one of three and we were a bit feral at times...

I'm not sure that chidren ever "need us less" until they are adults.

Sure it's not quite so hands on as they grow, but children need us in other ways as they branch out into the world.

Maybe friendship problems, buyying at school, school refusing, the minefield of social media, hormone surges at puberty, the minefield of being a teenager, exam stress, all that is emotionally demanding for a parent.
Not to mention school runs , extra curricular activities.

When you have young children you usually have some evening time, even though you may be tired.

This will disappear altogether, 11 year olds don't go to bed at 7pm.
In the teenage years you will lose the ability to have a glass of wine at the weekend too, as you really want to have your 14 year old back from a party safely.

Demands don't lessen, they change.

My dc are 6 and 4.

DH and I will both say that were money no object ie we didn’t have work pressures and could afford unlimited help we probably would have more however, in our circumstances, for our situation, 2dc is right.

As dc2 has got older it’s also easier to accept no more babies as life is so much easier in many ways.

With 2 dc, we can give them enough time and attention. It’s easy enough for one of us to take both of them somewhere. Financially we can afford to eat out on the spur of the moment and to have nice holidays. Environmentally I feel it’s more responsible to replace ourselves and no more. We’ve reached the end of the expensive childcare years which is nice! Also childcare related it’s easier to ask grandparents / friends to have 2, more than this becomes harder I think. DH is one of 4 & MIL says invites got fewer after 3 and after 4 they never got asked anywhere.

Plus I have difficult pregnancies and there are more people who would be impacted this time around.

I still have moments of thinking I’d love another baby but there are enough head reasons not to. It helps that friends who have gone on to have another make it look really hard most of the time!

I never felt as broody as I did just after my husband's vasectomy, despite us having been in full agreement beforehand. In fact my period was a week late not long after, and I convinced myself that we might be one of the freak minority who get pregnant after a vasectomy. Wasn't the case, and I was very sad, but I did then finally reconcile myself to not having any more children. In our case we simply couldn't have afforded it.

PerfectPeony I wouldn't have been in a hurry to do the baby stage again after my first, either! But second time around it was different.

I totally get what you are saying op.

We stopped at two. I was really keen on having a third but it was my heart ruling my head. Financially it would have impacted on my two dc. They would quite simply have less. Importantly, as pp mentioned, they would have had less of my time too.

On a practical note I had to think about the possibility of twins- we could stretch financially to three dc but not 4. It was too much of a risk. I also was very lucky to have two healthy children. Supposing a third had additional needs?

As the children got older the feelings of broodiness eased slowly. I look for and find enjoyment in each new stage of my dc lives. Yes I have a little wobble every now and again thinking of the tiny baby and toddler stage but I just feel incredibly thankful that I was able to experience those days at all. Several friends and family members have been unable to have children. I am so lucky.

Nature has programmed you to feel broody but if it isn’t right for you to have more for whatever reason you just have to move on. Enjoy every single day.

I will also add that I come from a large family and feel sad that I have so few memories of actually having one on one time with either of my parents. By sticking with two I have ample opportunities to have quality time with each one individually.

I hope these comments of mine have helped op. You are not alone in feeling like you do.

Maggie that’s interesting.

When I read threads like this. People talking about 3rd babies. I feel like I must be doing something wrong because it’s like no one else thinks it’s that hard if they go on to have more! I guess if I didn’t have a baby with colic I might feel differently.

It’s surely normal to feel melancholy about a happy stage of life coming to a close - leaving home, leaving university, leaving living in central London I felt this each time. Doesn’t mean the right thing to do is to cling on to that stage forever by being a perpetual student or that lady that has 21 kids - life’s a journey.

I have four DC and knew from the off that DC4 was the final one. I had two missed miscarriages before him that completely broke my heart and during one of them I almost lost my life. I had my first ELCS due to previous trauma with DC4 as well so there are genuine risks if I ever got pregnant again. I couldn’t cope with another loss either and I spent the entire pregnancy with DC4 overly anxious and breaking down worried I was going to lose him. I know I have to be there for the children I already have so getting pregnant again just isn’t an option for me. I also know that four DC is our absolute limit financially.

Still doesn’t stop me having pangs of broodiness. A couple of my friends are currently pregnant and it’s made me feel slightly sentimental about the whole thing. But then I just remember how precious the four I have are and also how miserable and scary my last three pregnancies were.

Many women are sad their wedding is over, but you wouldnt get married again would you?
For all those who want more, esp to the mum disappointed with twins, is it the pregnwncies you miss or births?
I hate pregnancy so wouldnt want to go throygh it again.

I have one who has just turned 4. I don't think we're having another and I am suddenly really sad about it. DH won't be persuaded!

As PPs have said, it's loving my children so much that makes me want to stop at two. Me and DH both have lots of one to one time with each, we can help with school work and clubs etc. With a third, time resources etc would be stretched. I grew up with several siblings and we had no holidays, no one to one time with parents and things like school issues weren't dealt with properly. Neither parent discussed my GCSEs or a levels with me etc, I was just left to get on with it because other siblings took up lots of time. I Became very self sufficient but very introverted. I want my kids to feel listened to. You may feel you can do that well with three or four and that's great but for me I feel that two is my limit to be the kind of mum I want to be.

Pp say they are sad they won't have anymore dc but why? You don't have to have them close together, my dc are 14/11 and 1.
Yes I was shocked and thought why would I want to go back to nappies and night feeds, but it's like having your first all over again. As the older ones are able to help them selves, you have more time for your lo without the first time mum over worrying.

We’ve stopped at two. I thought I’d love the baby phase but if I’m being honest I’ve found it extremely hard and sometimes boring too. The toddler bit is better and I’m really looking forward to the older years now. We have no family to help out and I think that makes a different. All the people I know with 3+ kids have parents or siblings that live close and can help out.

My 3rd son was 11 pound 8 oz 3 weeks early, not through being diabetic, had to have emergency c sec, was advised my consultant not to have anymore, done my bit for mankind so wasn't too bothered.

We are stopping at 2. Currently have one toddler and expecting another baby in a few months. We feel we will be far better parents to two children than to three. We can comfortably afford two children, and putting money into savings for them, option to do clubs/hobbies as they get older, have days out, etc. Plus I don't love pregnancy, it's a means to an end. Although we'd cope with 3, we'd prefer to enjoy being a family of 4 with more opportunities for the kids, not spread to thin etc.

Also, knowing my luck, we'd go for a third and end up with #3 and #4

@firesuit, I feel the exact same way. Always thought i’d have lots but the overwhelming broodiness I had when I wanted DD, never came back.

I'm ambivalent. I have 2 and would like a 3rd (or even 3rd and 4th) in some ways but I think that's more about wanting to revisit the new born days (& having 3+ adult children in future) than wanting the realities of having 3+. I like time alone, don't like mess/noise/chaos. And DH says no more (he's from a big family and lile a PP was just left to get on with it, his parents took little interest in him) and I have to respect that and quieten the part of me that wants more.

I had a straightforward first pregnancy so I expected another. But I lost the next baby at 20 weeks, and the next was first thought to have severe disabilities (to the point that tfmr was discussed), then was high risk for stillbirth, then ended up in the NICU. He's fine now, luckily.

There's no reason to think another pregnancy wouldn't be straightforward, but the fear is there now, and I've seen the effect it's had on my eldest, having me tired from pregnancy, stressed, crying, having to teach her about death so young. The fear that every pregnancy something might go wrong and blow up our family is enough to keep it at two. They're both so lovely anyway.

I have no wish to go back to the baby days, and even when people announce their births I think oh thank goodness that’s not me. I have no baby envy whatsoever. In fact I am very ready to be an aunty!

Also, you can’t keep having babies forever, they all grow up. The baby stage doesn’t last no matter how many you have.

I have had two children- now aged 21 and 16. After my second child was born I really wanted to have a third. But my dh was adamant he didn’t. There was no way I would force a third child into the mix so we stopped at two. Now I know it was the right decision. Two has been a good life for our family. Good holidays. Good individual attention for each child. And that want for a third child passed and it’s not something I think about at all these days.

We have two: a five year old son and a 2 year old daughter. I do get broody at times, but we are stopping at two for several reasons. We are both 42, financially it makes sense, I feel that emotionally and mentally I can’t spread myself any thinner. I want to work in my career. But mainly: I am lucky to have them. I suffered multiple miscarriages and held my breath through each pregnancy. I can’t go through that again.