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AIBU?

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Original poster

Grandad won't stop play fighting with son, ended in injury

225 replies

MrMakersFartyParty · 02/01/2019 10:41

My son is 2 and my father always plays rough with him, flinging him about onto the sofa, tickling (past the point where my son clearly can't handle it and can barely breathe), holding him upside down and he holds him by his wrists and allows him to climb up his body. I have repeatedly said no to the play fighting because I have noticed my son being out of control, hyped up, and recently sometimes hitting (never ever does this any other time). I have also said under no circumstances is he to hold him by the arms or wrists because he actually dislocated my arms when i was a child doing the same thing.
Every other visit it is like he "forgets" and I have to intervene and then he says "oh we have to stop mummy doesn't like it", no you have to stop because you're going to break his frigging arms!
I don't want to micro manage their relationship but it's really getting me down, my son is naughty after he visits and i am terrified he's going to damage his hands and arms. My son has also started to try and play rough with his younger siblings and has ended up hurting them quite a bit now (accidentally).
In my house I am able to intervene, however he also goes to his nannas for play dates (not childcare) and my dad is there and his nan has promised that she won't allow it but I have seen photos on facebook of my son being held and swung by his wrists again.

I feel so powerless and i don't know how to handle this. my dad goes funny if i question anything he does and i have to really tread on eggshells with him. I don't know what to do because i have said "i don't want you to do that, stop, no" etc but when he "forgets" it's too late and i am worried about the consequences.

My son is starting to think i'm horrible because i'm always ruining their "fun".

OP posts:
Original poster
MrMakersFartyParty · 02/01/2019 10:44

Sorry, the "injury" was that now my son is complaining that his wrists are aching after their most recent visit, i wasn't in the room but he says grandad was playing with him and i'm guessing he's done it again. i'm going to take him to the gp today.

OP posts:
elvis86 · 02/01/2019 10:48

You're not powerless. You're the child's mother and it doesn't sound like you're dependent on your parents for childcare or anything.

Just grow a pair and tell your parents you want this to stop, for the reasons outlined above. Who cares if your dad "goes funny"?

If it doesn't stop immediately, then you explain that you're baffled / disappointed that they've ignored you, but reluctantly stop allowing the playdates etc.

Pringlemunchers · 02/01/2019 10:49

I'm sorry, no way would I allow this. He is hurting your child and going against what you have specifically said. The man is either a idiot or doing it on purpose,either way. It is a big fuck off ,no way from me. Supervised visits only from now on !

Original poster
MrMakersFartyParty · 02/01/2019 10:50

I'm not dependent on them for anything but I suppose I am as you say "baffled" because I have told him SO many times I can't believe he is still doing it.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/01/2019 10:51

Stop the play dates.

Tell your mum that as your dad doesn't seem to remember that you have already been injured by that sort of horseplay then you have to be the sensible one. You simply WILL NOT allow his selfishness to injure your son too. As she obviously can't or won't police her husband you will just have to do it for both of them.

Tell them both that they should be ashamed of themselves, to not have learned their lesson from having physically hurt you when you were a child and playing petty blame games too. All that does is force you to be extra careful around them.

Tell them both that being grandparents is suppose to be fun, but they cannot continue to wind him up until he is unable to control himself.

And mean it... they grow up or you continue to micro manage their time with your kids!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/01/2019 10:53

I agree you're not powerless. Your dad either stops the ridiculous play fighting or he doesn't see your son. Tell him what you've told us. Sit down and talk to him again and make it clear that there won't be anymore of this behaviour or you will stop contact. Yes it will be uncomfortable and your dad will tell you you're being dramatic and unfair but tough.

7yo7yo · 02/01/2019 10:53

I’d stop them seeing my kids.
They can’t be trusted.
Your mum was ineffective and protecting you when you were younger resulting in injuries caused by your dad who sounds absolutely horrid.
Don’t repeat the pattern.

cheesywotnots · 02/01/2019 10:53

You have asked him to stop, he hasn't, your son is getting hurt and upset. Tell your mum that your son will no longer be visiting them without you and if it happens when you're there then go home. Why are they posting on Facebook.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2019 10:54

Put a stop to this already! This kind of "play" is absolutely unacceptable. Your father has some very serious issues and he should never be left alone with your child.

GerryblewuptheER · 02/01/2019 10:54

Don't take him round.

He knows. He doesn't care and he will keep going to prove you are talking nonsense about getting hurt. Except of course he will and where's he gonna be then? Not around for 2am paracetamol dose for sure.

Birdsgottafly · 02/01/2019 10:55

Point out that times have changed and SS will want to interview them if he is injured.

The GP will ask what has caused the pain and may feel a referral is appropriate.

Likewise his behaviour won't be tolerated in Nursery, or would an injury to his younger Siblings.

This is about power and your Dad not wanting to be told. The tickling until he can't breathe is now considered abusive.

It's just plain wrong.

TheMincePiesAreMine · 02/01/2019 10:56

I think you go in hard with the argument that he is hurting his siblings and it is just not acceptable. I would be tempted to withdraw him from the "playdates" because you can't trust your father not to hurt him, can you? And as his parent it is your job not to put him in situations where he could be hurt.

I'm biased, I'm very anti- this rough-housing thing and I know it's meant to be good for children, but what you say about your arm being dislocated puts it in a whole different league in terms of safeguarding your son. It gives a whole lot of credence to your worries.

I think it might help to really assert yourself as an adult to your dad. BE the sensible one. Don't ask him to stop, tell him. If he says "mummy says he have to stop" then fine, just wear it. Yes Dad, you have to stop because you could hurt him. If your son is at risk of being hurt then in the long run it'll mean the world to him that you put a stop to your dad doing it. He will feel safer because you showed him he can trust you to keep him safe.

Your parents are not going to approve of every decision you make. You don't need to convince your dad you're right or get his approval, you just need to get him to respect your decision. And if he won't, he doesn't get to play at all.

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 02/01/2019 10:58

Op I feel for the you it's selfish behaviour that's risking your sons health, it's clearly to much for your son and its causing you anxiety four your sons well being and anxiety because you don't want to upset your dad but equally it's stressful not being listened too.

If your there and he starts you could very seriously get your son and leave and say why.

Or you could be brave and stop the visits and stop visits without you but this level of play has to stop and the need to be shocked into listening to you.

Always these types that are pig skinned and do. Not. Listen. So arrogant and rude.

ThisWayDown · 02/01/2019 10:59

Agree with others. No to your Dad playing with him.

You say your son is two but then say he’s beginning to play like that with his younger siblings. Was that a typo and he only had one younger sibling, or have you had a very busy last few years?!

pretentiousrubberduck · 02/01/2019 11:00

Easy solution; don't allow your father to be alone with your son and call him out on it every time. If he still doesn't stop then don't see him until he listens. We have this problem with my BIL and my 4 year old. We've banned playfighting for now because DS started doing it at school. We've told BIL this multiple times but he was still play fighting with DS every time we saw him. I'm very quick to shut it down but its only now my DH has had a bit of a go at him that he's finally starting to listen Hmm

Itssosunnyout · 02/01/2019 11:00

Take your partner and supervise the contact and if he does it again call him into the next room leaving your DC with your partner or mum and speak to your dad. Male it clear that you arent happy and if he does it again DC won't be coming over.
State the learned behaviour and injuries to DC and siblings.
You aren't powerless but I can understand why you feel that way.
Your father is not respecting you and thinks he can do whatever he pleases.

Good luck.

elvis86 · 02/01/2019 11:01

"I'm not dependent on them for anything but I suppose I am as you say "baffled" because I have told him SO many times I can't believe he is still doing it."

He's still doing it because you're continuing to tolerate it, for fear of your dad "being funny with you".

Time you gave priority to you child's wellbeing, over fear of your dad throwing his toys out of the pram.

You don't have to go mad, just be clear that you're being serious - "DS loves spending time with you both, but I need the rough play that I've mentioned before to stop for reasons X, Y, Z". If it doesn't stop - "We'd spoken about rough play before, but it's happened again? I needed it to stop, so you'll appreciate that I've no choice but to call off playdates etc".

Sounds like you expect your dad will make a huge drama out of it, but personally I'd let him be the one to do that and retain the upper hand.

LuluJakey1 · 02/01/2019 11:02

Your dad sounds abusive tbh and controlling.
He did this to you and dislocated your arms- I am genuinely shocked by that. What happened- hospital visi? Social services involved? Did he stop at that point or did you endure it for years?
He knows you don't want him to do this to your son but he does it anyway. He presents you as the 'baddie' to your son. He has hurt your son. He does not like you challenging him. You describe it as 'treading on eggshells' with him. Your mother enables him- she has done so for years which makes me wonder how he treats her. Your son is now learning to behave like him.
Do I need to say more? If you allow him to have contact with your son, you are enabling him.

regmover · 02/01/2019 11:08

Maybe it's time to stop treading on eggshells. I don't know why you'd allow your son to go there again without you because you already know that your wishes will be ignored. So maybe stop that, explain why, and take any flack that comes to protect your son.
Then be strong when you visit with your son. Maybe make it clear in advance in a phone call that you won't allow him to be taken out of your sight by your father. If he tries, or if he starts rough play, or if you hear him trying to put you down to your son, make it clear to them in advance that you will pack up and leave.
Then stick by this and do it.

ourkidmolly · 02/01/2019 11:08

Really surprised you're tolerating this. Your dad obviously done some number on you. Don't drop him round there. He's a baby. You're supposed to protect him. What are you doing? How many younger siblings can he have if he's two btw? Your GP may report to social services.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 02/01/2019 11:09

You are the parent. The ball is entirely in your court. You must decide what you value the most - keeping your father ‘on side’ or preventing him from encouraging bad behaviour in your child and potentially dislocating his arms. Your choice.

Fairenuff · 02/01/2019 11:09

I don't want to micro manage their relationship

Well you're his mother so if you don't protect him who will. You are putting your father's feelings before your sons' welfare.

Frozenteatowel · 02/01/2019 11:10

Tell your DF he must never do this again as it’s dangerous, unpleasant and bullying behaviour. I would never leave DS in your DPs care as they clearly cannot be trusted to not follow a simple instruction. Your DS is a defenceless little child who cannot prevent these ‘attacks’. Poor little chap.

MrsCBY · 02/01/2019 11:13

I'm not dependent on them for anything but I suppose I am as you say "baffled" because I have told him SO many times I can't believe he is still doing it.

The problem here is that you’re in denial about what kind of a man your father is. You want to believe he’s a reasonable, decent man who is open to rational argument and puts his DCs’/DGCs’ welfare above his own strange need to behave like this. He isn’t and he doesn’t.

Only when you get your head round this idea (I’m sorry, I know it hurts) will you be able to respond appropriately and protect your DS and other DC.

category12 · 02/01/2019 11:13

Stop them babysitting. Your father actually dislocated your arms as a child?! And you're letting him repeat the behaviour with your own dc. Fuck that.