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Original poster

Grandad won't stop play fighting with son, ended in injury

225 replies

MrMakersFartyParty · 02/01/2019 10:41

My son is 2 and my father always plays rough with him, flinging him about onto the sofa, tickling (past the point where my son clearly can't handle it and can barely breathe), holding him upside down and he holds him by his wrists and allows him to climb up his body. I have repeatedly said no to the play fighting because I have noticed my son being out of control, hyped up, and recently sometimes hitting (never ever does this any other time). I have also said under no circumstances is he to hold him by the arms or wrists because he actually dislocated my arms when i was a child doing the same thing.
Every other visit it is like he "forgets" and I have to intervene and then he says "oh we have to stop mummy doesn't like it", no you have to stop because you're going to break his frigging arms!
I don't want to micro manage their relationship but it's really getting me down, my son is naughty after he visits and i am terrified he's going to damage his hands and arms. My son has also started to try and play rough with his younger siblings and has ended up hurting them quite a bit now (accidentally).
In my house I am able to intervene, however he also goes to his nannas for play dates (not childcare) and my dad is there and his nan has promised that she won't allow it but I have seen photos on facebook of my son being held and swung by his wrists again.

I feel so powerless and i don't know how to handle this. my dad goes funny if i question anything he does and i have to really tread on eggshells with him. I don't know what to do because i have said "i don't want you to do that, stop, no" etc but when he "forgets" it's too late and i am worried about the consequences.

My son is starting to think i'm horrible because i'm always ruining their "fun".

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 02/01/2019 11:41

Treat your father as you would a child - you have told him the kind of behaviour you will not tolerate, but he has continued to do it, therefore you need to cease to allow contact NOW. How many more 'last chance' opportunities are you going to give? (And remember, every 'last chance' or 'final warning' is actually saying 'you can hurt him one more time and then I will stop you')
Tell Nanna that she will not see your DCs either until she manages to break contact with the man who abused you and is now abusing your DCs. Why did she bother leaving him if he is still allowed to be around her and is clearly pumping her for information on when the DGCs will be visiting? She did not protect you, she is not protecting your DCs either and is therefore not someone you can trust.
My MIL only got drunk when babysitting my DCs once. She never had another chance, ever.

Hoppinggreen · 02/01/2019 11:42

Your son is only 2, he probably loves a lot of things, some of which will be bad for him so the fact that your son seems to enjoy this physical abuse ( yes I AM calling it that) and “loves” his Grandad is irrelevant.
He’s not old enough to understand that it’s wrong but you are and you KNOW that your dads behaviour to you was wrong and you KNOW this is wrong too.
I know it’s hard when you’ve been conditioned to accept something is ok when it’s really not an although your Mum no longer lives with him she is still controlled by your Dad.
You are doing the right thing OP but prepare for the tantrums and/or emotional blackmail

Juells · 02/01/2019 11:42

My son has also started to try and play rough with his younger siblings and has ended up hurting them quite a bit now (accidentally).

If he's two I can't understand any of this. How has he got younger siblings he plays with? How is he able to tell you so much?

smartiecake · 02/01/2019 11:42

I think you have to go ballistic at them both and stop contact for the time being. Your parents are not listening to you and respecting your views. You have to protect your child. Just stop the play dates and stop the contact for a few weeks/months. You have younger children as well? This behaviour will continue to them as well. You have to stop it before one of them gets seriously injured.

pinkdelight · 02/01/2019 11:44

"honestly i really don't like him but my son loves him"

Sorry but your son is two and would love Jack the Ripper if he'd been raised around him like this. You on the other hand have life experience and know that your dad is a big problem. It's your job to make decisions for your son's welfare because he hasn't the capacity to discern for himself. Well done on making the call to your mum. I only hope her 'guilts' don't compel her to go behind your back. He's no doubt done a number on her too in his time. Above all else, put your son's safety first.

Fairenuff · 02/01/2019 11:44

i feel like i was emotionally abused as a child/teenager but he's always turned it round on me

I believe you OP.

subspace · 02/01/2019 11:44

I do think my mum can be trusted

I'm sorry but let's be clear here. Your mum has categorically proven, repeatedly that no, she can't be trusted to a) not tell your dad and allow him to come over when DGS visits when you have asked her not to, and b) prevent rough play or even recognise that it's wrong (she's photographing and putting it on social media) when she specifically told you that she would ensure it didn't happen.

Your mum is not being trustworthy when it comes to your son's welfare AT ALL

Original poster
MrMakersFartyParty · 02/01/2019 11:45

@Juells I try and not give away too many details when posting but my son is 2, nearly 3. He has 2 younger twin siblings. I dont know why he can tell me so much but he can talk, probably been talking for 1.5 years?

OP posts:
longwayoff · 02/01/2019 11:45

You are giving this man far too much power in your lives. Father or not, you need to put some boundaries in place and don't allow him to treat your family, all of you,, in this way.

Original poster
MrMakersFartyParty · 02/01/2019 11:46

And his siblings can play because i didn't leave it that long between my pregnancies.

OP posts:
WWWWicked · 02/01/2019 11:47

Your dad dislocated your arms as a child. Your mum failed to protect you from that. How is she going to protect your child any better?

There’d be absolutely no unsupervised contact at all if this were my child. Neither of your parents can be trusted.

Troels · 02/01/2019 11:48

You can't trust either of them, just tell your Mum if she wants to see the kids she can come to your house, at least that way you can protect the 2yo. He will try to copy this rough behaviour and hurt his younger siblings maybe quite badly. Stop it all now before some proper damage is done.

Jux · 02/01/2019 11:48

I think your dad did very likely emotionally abuse you, OP. I think your mum is still in thrall to him.

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 02/01/2019 11:50

Op society puts massive pressure on us with regards to family, grandparents etc.

Sometimes it's almost like we need permissions to say.. This is ok, we don't have to see them.

RomanyRoots · 02/01/2019 11:50

You aren't powerless you are the mother, the only one able to protect your child.
Unless of course your dad is more important than your child.

category12 · 02/01/2019 11:50

You can't trust your mum to protect your son, she didn't protect you. You grew up with an emotionally abusive dad, one who dislocated your arms ffs. For whatever reason, her loyalty is still to him even as an ex.

She can come over and see your dc, she doesn't need to have them over.

roundaboutthetown · 02/01/2019 11:52

It's not right that your dad does this when you have told him not to. To be fair, though, I used to nag my dad constantly to let me climb up him and then spin round while he held my hands (not wrists), I loved being swung around very fast and found it hilarious to be hung upside down. I was never physically hurt by any of it. Are you particularly hypermobile, because dislocating your arms doing this seems quite extreme? Could it be because he's holding onto wrists instead of hands, so preventing all the joints being able to accommodate the movement??

Wordthe · 02/01/2019 11:52

As said by previous posters you are giving too much weight to the fact that your son loves his grandad
It's not difficult to manipulate a small child, it's like taking candy from a baby

Inertia · 02/01/2019 11:53

Giving you the benefit of the doubt here because it sounds as though you also ensured an abusive childhood, but you are repeatedly failing to protect your son by putting him in this situation. You are the parent, you need to make sure your child is not left with adults who have a proven history of causing him injury.

Your mother is not protecting your child, therefore she cannot have sole care of him.

Your father sounds like a nasty piece of work. Your children need you to put a stop to this, and the only thing you can do is stop them having sole care because they are ignoring everything you have told them.

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 02/01/2019 11:53

3 wild I can see where your coming from but this is in a different league to so called rough play and exploring boundaries.

It's the person who tickles or annoys the child when they have asked me the adult to stop.

This man doesn't read clues and is being ridiculous re playing. He is hurting his grandchild. And teaching his grandchild that all of this is ok. It's not!

Knicknackpaddyflak · 02/01/2019 11:53

Just thinking I watched my SiL rough play with her son with ASD for ages at a family party this Christmas since he finds it regulating - he needs a lot of it and neither parent have ever left a mark on him, never mind he's been in pain afterwards or suffered a dislocation. They'd be horrified at the thought. Me and my sibs loved my dad rough and tumbling with us as kids: not one of us was ever hurt.

This isn't a rough and tumble problem, this is an adult who either has a lot of trouble regulating their strength and enthusiasm to match a small child, or else is at some level enjoying going a little too far, knowing you (and at times ds) don't like it, with a good excuse of 'but I'm only playing/you're being over sensitive'. That's actually called bullying. Kids who have experienced being dominated tend to act that out on other kids, particularly when they've experienced that it's ok to go too far, be too rough, not listen to 'stop' signs or boundaries if they happen to be the bigger, more powerful person at the time.

Your mum is enabling this, and your dad sulking when he's prevented from hurting ds isn't a good reason to stop preventing him. Your instincts are bang on, trust yourself.

HollowTalk · 02/01/2019 11:54

The reason your son likes your dad is because he finds the play-fighting exciting. It's not because he likes him as a person.

You know your dad is not a nice person to be around. I would limit all contact unless I was in the room and the second he started play-fighting, I'd tell my dad to leave.

And yes, tell him social services are getting involved. Tell your mum that, too.

roundaboutthetown · 02/01/2019 11:56

And ps, yes, you are right to keep your ds away from him - he doesn't respect boundaries or know when tomstop. Rough play is only genuinely fun with someone you feel entirely safe with.

Juells · 02/01/2019 11:57

the 'tickling too much' is very bullying. I'd put a stop to him seeing your children as he doesn't listen to you, and neither does your mother.

Millionsofthings · 02/01/2019 11:57

So frustrating when you ask someone not to do something and they continue to do so especially when it comes to your own child!!! My MIL was the same, asked her not to take Dc out at a particularly busy road as Dc had a habit of running away, it really made me anxious considering this woman struggled to get off the couch so had no change of chasing after DC!! In the end as much as I wanted to avoid confrontation I had to put a stop to her taking Dc! She couldn’t be trusted but tried to make out it was all my issue I was some neurotic mother. But it wasn’t my issue it was her issue as I am not sure what drives someone to continually go against a parent and try to make them justify themselves .... apart from wanting to be in control!! Don’t feel bad like I did don’t feel like it’s your problem it’s your fathers problem you have been clear what the boundaries are and he continues to push them!!