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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandad won't stop play fighting with son, ended in injury

225 replies

MrMakersFartyParty · 02/01/2019 10:41

My son is 2 and my father always plays rough with him, flinging him about onto the sofa, tickling (past the point where my son clearly can't handle it and can barely breathe), holding him upside down and he holds him by his wrists and allows him to climb up his body. I have repeatedly said no to the play fighting because I have noticed my son being out of control, hyped up, and recently sometimes hitting (never ever does this any other time). I have also said under no circumstances is he to hold him by the arms or wrists because he actually dislocated my arms when i was a child doing the same thing.
Every other visit it is like he "forgets" and I have to intervene and then he says "oh we have to stop mummy doesn't like it", no you have to stop because you're going to break his frigging arms!
I don't want to micro manage their relationship but it's really getting me down, my son is naughty after he visits and i am terrified he's going to damage his hands and arms. My son has also started to try and play rough with his younger siblings and has ended up hurting them quite a bit now (accidentally).
In my house I am able to intervene, however he also goes to his nannas for play dates (not childcare) and my dad is there and his nan has promised that she won't allow it but I have seen photos on facebook of my son being held and swung by his wrists again.

I feel so powerless and i don't know how to handle this. my dad goes funny if i question anything he does and i have to really tread on eggshells with him. I don't know what to do because i have said "i don't want you to do that, stop, no" etc but when he "forgets" it's too late and i am worried about the consequences.

My son is starting to think i'm horrible because i'm always ruining their "fun".

OP posts:

UnknownStuntman · 02/01/2019 11:14

Two choices, be a parent or wave your child goodbye when SS take him away because you willingly keep putting him in danger.

gamerchick · 02/01/2019 11:15

Your dad knows he just doesn't care OP.

Personally I'd take him to the docs to check his wrists then I would tell the grandparents that's you've done that and stop the bloody playdates.

3WildOnes · 02/01/2019 11:18

No GP would report to social services for this but if they did then social services would have nothing to say.
My grandad and Fil are both like this with my sons they mostly love it but occasionally get wound up and get too hyper. If I see it getting over the top I intervene and say firmly ‘I think that’s enough now’. There is research that shows that the kind of rough play that males are more likely to do is beneficial to child development and exploring boundaries and risks.
I certainly wouldn’t be banning them spending time together, I think that would be more damaging.

Original poster

MrMakersFartyParty · 02/01/2019 11:20

@ourkidmolly he has two younger siblings

I know you're all right, i had a strange relationship with my dad, i've always believed he has a personality disorder and at times i feel like i was emotionally abused as a child/teenager but he's always turned it round on me and I find it a bit difficult to say who is right/wrong but his reactions do worry me.
I didn't want to be too outing but i'm not dropping him off with my mu, & dad, they are separated, but when I drop my son off with my mum, my dad somehow appears there even though i've specified for my mum not to tell my dad.

OP posts:

Nanasueathome · 02/01/2019 11:20

I would assume the gp would want more information and follow up if you take a 2 year old with wrist pain and tell them it is caused by a grandparent

DeepanKrispanEven · 02/01/2019 11:22

Most parents would be utterly mortified and guilty-ridden that they had actually dislocated their child's arms and would never dream of risking it again - let alone continuing it after the same child has asked them not to. Your father can go as "funny" as he likes about his actions being questioned, he simply does not have a leg to stand on. I suspect your GP may be telling you that unless you can say you will never leave your child alone with your parents again s/he will have to escalate this as a child protection issue. Perhaps that will help you stand up to your father?

ourkidmolly · 02/01/2019 11:22

@3WildOnes
You're totally wrong and that's appalling advice. A GP who diagnoses a wrist injury or who refers to A and E with suspected fracture or dislocation that is caused by a relative is under a duty of care and a legal obligation to report immediately.

LadyBunker · 02/01/2019 11:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

DeepanKrispanEven · 02/01/2019 11:25

Based on your last post, I think I would be easing off to minimal contact with your father. If you've always had a difficult relationship with him and he's not bothered about causing you serious injury or risking injury to your son, there is no reason for him to visit as often as he seems to, or to see him at your mother's house.

ourkidmolly · 02/01/2019 11:25

@3WildOnes
It's also safe 'rough play' that is beneficial for creating boundaries and understanding strength. Not play that's already involved the Op in a serious injury.

Original poster

MrMakersFartyParty · 02/01/2019 11:27

I've never left my dad alone with my son, it basically happens mostly when he's playing at my mum's house. i guess a lot of this comes down to my mum calling my dad and saying "oh *** is here, do you want to come round?" when i've actually said i don't want him there. i've just come off the phone with my mum and told her under no circumstances is my dad to go round when i'm not there and if he does i'll be stopping her having him. i don't bloody need her to have him anyway it's only because she asks me to let her have him.

i'm going to tell my dad that my son's behaviour is getting bad and that it's because of the play fighting, and that i won't tolerate it anymore at all, and i'm also going to tell him that we've been to the GP and tell a little lie that the gp may have done a referral to the HV/SS. I don't want anyone to think i've sat there watching him play fighting, i've always said "Stop that now" but at that point it's like it's already started if you know what i mean and it's hard to calm my son down. The only place I know it's been happening is at my mums and I've said now that my dad is not allowed under any circumstances to go there when my son is there.

OP posts:

ourkidmolly · 02/01/2019 11:27

Also think it's highly suspicious that he just turns up at his divorced ex-wife's home to have unsupervised access. Sounds like she's been controlled too.

ourkidmolly · 02/01/2019 11:28

Good plan. Let's hope your mum can be trusted.

Owwlie · 02/01/2019 11:28

but when I drop my son off with my mum, my dad somehow appears there even though i've specified for my mum not to tell my dad

Well obviously your mom is telling him your son is there, and allowing the behaviour to continue. So it's quite simple, don't leave your son alone with her either. Your dad dislocated your arm doing this, she knows you don't like him doing it to your son and she's still allowing it. So stop letting her have 'playdates' with him.

3WildOnes · 02/01/2019 11:29

ourkidmolly we don’t know that he has any injury, just sore wrists. If there is a serious injury then a referral would be made. But if it was explained that he got sore wrists because his grandad was holding onto him so that he could climb up his body (a game I enjoyed as a child as do many other children) then no further action would be taken.

Wordthe · 02/01/2019 11:30

Your father sounds extremely problematic
keep him away

DeepanKrispanEven · 02/01/2019 11:30

If your mother has promised in the past that she won't let your son be swung by his wrists but you know she's broken that promise, how can you rely on any promises to keep your father away when your son visits?

3WildOnes · 02/01/2019 11:32

But reading your subsequent posts it sounds like there is a lot more going on and you do not wish you father to have access to your child without you present. I would clearly explain to you mother this and explain that if you dad is there on further visits then you will have to stop him going to hers without you present. Hopefully this will be enough to stop her telling him to come over but if not then stop visits.

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 11:32

i'm also going to tell him that we've been to the GP and tell a little lie that the gp may have done a referral to the HV/SS.

Well if that's what it takes, then good.

The fact that he dislocated your shoulders as a child would be enough to make me go NC with him if he doesn't stop. He really doesn't give a shit, does he?

bobstersmum · 02/01/2019 11:35

My dad gets my boys wound up like this. And they always end up with bruises because he's too rough. I point blank have put a stop to it.

Original poster

MrMakersFartyParty · 02/01/2019 11:36

Unfortunately for my parents my son tells me literally everything that happens so I would know if my dad turned up. I do think my mum can be trusted i think she perhaps feels guilted by my dad, he seems to have a knack for making people feel shit. For the first time in ages our relationship seemed as normal as it could for a while, although he did strop out of my house the other day because i reminded him that he'd forgotten to take his shoes off. such a dick. honestly i really don't like him but my son loves him and I am just trying to keep the peace, my parents are only just talking recently after a decade of nasty shit for me to deal with. too little too late for me!
Sorry I am venting a bit now!

OP posts:

subspace · 02/01/2019 11:37

I'm not dropping him off with my mum, & dad, they are separated, but when I drop my son off with my mum, my dad somehow appears there even though i've specified for my mum not to tell my dad.

WHAT THE HELL??

NO. No No No NO. Tolerate this shit no more.

I would be throwing the BIGGEST strop and getting really bloody angry if I were you.

You trust your mother to care for your son, specifically tell her not to tell your father that he is coming over, then went you get there he's there? Screw that turn right around and take your son back home, this was NOT the arrangement you had, and you very clearly cannot assume his safety when you're not there and you're dad is, regardless of what your mum says because she is enabling and sodding photographing and social media-ing exactly the destructive behaviour you have specifically had her word that she wouldn't.

Your father is on some long term abusive power trip and he's not going to respect your very reasonable requests. So you absolutely 100% do not trust him without your personal supervision with your child. And you absolutely do go ape shit when he "forgets" and rough houses your son. FIREWORKS about how it's UNACCEPTABLE. I mean it; get your son physically away from him, and LEAVE the building immediately.

Boundaries. They must be really hard after a lifetime of cunning abuse but your son's safety is way too important than to allow this shit to continue.

Wordthe · 02/01/2019 11:39

honestly i really don't like him but my son loves him and I am just trying to keep the peace
This didn't has happened by chance he has engineered this to set up a dynamic of conflict that he can use to his advantage
when everyone is confused and set against each other he can get in there and manipulate things

lily2403 · 02/01/2019 11:39

I would stop the play dates until your mum gets the message that you don’t want dad being there

DeepanKrispanEven · 02/01/2019 11:41

honestly i really don't like him but my son loves him and I am just trying to keep the peace

Your son's safety comes ahead of any need to keep the peace. Yo don't like this man for a very good reason, so why would you facilitate his contact with your children? At the age of 2, your son really isn't going to miss his grandfather if he is allowed to drop out of his life.

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