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Original poster

Grandad won't stop play fighting with son, ended in injury

225 replies

MrMakersFartyParty · 02/01/2019 10:41

My son is 2 and my father always plays rough with him, flinging him about onto the sofa, tickling (past the point where my son clearly can't handle it and can barely breathe), holding him upside down and he holds him by his wrists and allows him to climb up his body. I have repeatedly said no to the play fighting because I have noticed my son being out of control, hyped up, and recently sometimes hitting (never ever does this any other time). I have also said under no circumstances is he to hold him by the arms or wrists because he actually dislocated my arms when i was a child doing the same thing.
Every other visit it is like he "forgets" and I have to intervene and then he says "oh we have to stop mummy doesn't like it", no you have to stop because you're going to break his frigging arms!
I don't want to micro manage their relationship but it's really getting me down, my son is naughty after he visits and i am terrified he's going to damage his hands and arms. My son has also started to try and play rough with his younger siblings and has ended up hurting them quite a bit now (accidentally).
In my house I am able to intervene, however he also goes to his nannas for play dates (not childcare) and my dad is there and his nan has promised that she won't allow it but I have seen photos on facebook of my son being held and swung by his wrists again.

I feel so powerless and i don't know how to handle this. my dad goes funny if i question anything he does and i have to really tread on eggshells with him. I don't know what to do because i have said "i don't want you to do that, stop, no" etc but when he "forgets" it's too late and i am worried about the consequences.

My son is starting to think i'm horrible because i'm always ruining their "fun".

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 02/01/2019 12:40

I sometimes rough house play with my niece and nephew. Never in my life have I gone so far as to hurt them - if it remotely approaches anything that might result in injury, I immediately stop. And make sure that the children do that too.

That's because I'm an adult, and I'm the one in control. If your father is unable to gauge his own strength or how far he is going with a frigging TWO YEAR OLD, he shouldn't be alone with children.

But I strongly suspect he does it on purpose - why should he control himself? Who do you think you are to tell him to watch it? Etc. As PPs have said, sounds like it's ultimately a power and control thing for him.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2019 12:40

If your mum wants to see your children she comes to your house.

She can play and you can get on or have a rest.

diddl · 02/01/2019 12:40

You'd think that seeing how your dad is with your son her own common sense would have prevented her from phoning your dad tbh.

I'm not sure that she can be trusted, or why she feels that any contact that your son has with his GF must be arranged by her & not you?

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 02/01/2019 12:42

Well done op. It’s not easy facing up to the fact your parents have let you down.

Don’t get me started on your dad. He’s a bully and he’s controlling you and your mum (oh he just miraculously turns up at her house? No he’s got her under his control)

But your mum? She’s no better. She can’t say no to your dad. She watched him dislocate her own child’s arms and now stands back and lets him do the same to his grandchild. Don’t minimise her in your situation. She has failed to look after you and now your son.

Absolutely no more visits. She can’t be trusted. Yes it’ll all blow up. So what? What’s more important - a bully’s feelings or your son’s welfare?

ChristmasFlary · 02/01/2019 12:43

What did the GP say when he examined him?

ChristmasFlary · 02/01/2019 12:45

Elbow "dislocation" in young children is easily done. It's not a true dislocation though. Easily caused by pulling on the joint - for example when the child is swung between two adults

ChristmasFlary · 02/01/2019 12:46

www.hey.nhs.uk/patient-leaflet/pulled-elbow/

minisoksmakehardwork · 02/01/2019 12:57

It's apparent to anyone with multiples that it's entirely possible to have a 2 year old with siblings old enough to play - my twins arrived when ds1 was not quite 2 and dd1 was not quite 4 so completely get that a child can be 2, nearly 3 and have 1 year old siblings.

@MrMakersFartyParty - the only way you are going to stop this is by stopping your mum from seeing your children in her home and unsupervised. Ban your father from your home until he acknowledges his behaviour is inappropriate. Your mum visits the grandchildren at yours.

Your dad clearly has a need to be in control and does not like to be told he is wrong otherwise he would not continue to get round you by seeing the children at his ex wife's home. She has been conditioned into accepting this. It would be interesting to know how they separated, given she is still under his control.

Sometimes as an adult we can take a step away from ourselves and the role our family puts us in - the compliant, non-confrontational one. And that helps us see that our family's behaviour isn't normal nor is it acceptable. He injured you and yet he carries on with the same behaviour which caused this.

But be prepared your dad may never apologise. Mine won't apologise for some truly awful things he has said and done to me and my family - dh and children. My mum (they're still together) justifies it with 'you know what he's like'. Yes, i do know what he's like and I no longer accept that behaviour towards me. I no longer see my parents or sister as they cannot accept me breaking free from the box they put me in.

thebaronetofcockburn · 02/01/2019 13:00

What Fairenuff said. Neither one of them would see my child again except in my home with my rules and the second they strayed from this I'd kick them out. Your father is an abusive bully. He will never change.

katseyes7 · 02/01/2019 13:08

You really need to stop this now. lt is, as previous posters have said, a form of abuse. This man should not be anywhere near children.
This will possibly sound silly, but l was 'involved' in a situation that involved tickling, years ago. lt wasn't 'fun' tickling, it went on in public, despite requests to stop, and happened over and over again.
lf l'd known then what l know now, l'd have nipped it in the bud there and then, but l didn't.
Your case doesn't involve tickling. lt involves physical abuse. Do whatever you can to stop it. Tell him SS and your GP are involved, and if if occurs again (which it won't, because you'll keep him away from your children), the police will become involved. And your mother needs to realise that this is not playing.

OliviaStabler · 02/01/2019 13:13

I suppose I am as you say "baffled" because I have told him SO many times I can't believe he is still doing it.

He is still doing it because he doesn't give a shit about what you want or what you think / feel. As far as he is concerned it is fine to play fight so he carries on and on and on and hopes to wear you down so you eventually shut up about it.

PlumpkinStew · 02/01/2019 13:17

Omg!
Stop taking him to see someone that is clearly harming him!
Just stop going!!!!

kaitlinktm · 02/01/2019 13:18

I dislocated my son's elbow when he was about 2 - not play fighting but I was holding his hand whilst walking and he stumbled and I pulled his arm to stop him falling. I was mortified when I took him to A&E and realised what I had done. Also, his elbow kept poppping out and I had to take him back.

Until this happened we had done games like each taking an arm whilst walking and swinging him - we had done this with his older brother with no issues - but it all stopped then. We told all grandparents and anyone who looked after him what had happened and that he couldn't be lifted by his arms and they all were very concerned and were careful not to do this again. That is how caring grandparents should behave.

QueenofmyPrinces · 02/01/2019 13:22

What a difficult situation OP.

I have two sons aged almost 5 and 16 months and my husband is so rough with them. He picks them up and throws them up in the air so they are almost thrown into the ceiling. He stands at one end of the living room, grabs them and throws them through the air over to the other side of the living room in the aim of the sofa for them to land on. He grabs them by their wrists and spins them around so fast that it scared me! He often holds our eldest upside down by his ankles and swings him from side to side like a pendulum and with such force that it feels like he could swing completely full circle sometimes!

I tell my husband to repeatedly stop, telling him that this play isn’t good for the wrist, ankle or hip joints and that he risks injuring the boys but he tells me I’m overreacting. It doesn’t help that my eldest is always shouting, “More, more, do it again daddy, do it again,” whilst laughing like a maniac. Both sons and my husband love the tough play whereas I just watch them anxiously.

If I’m very firm with my instruction to stop then DH will but I’m pretty sure that when he’s alone with them things are even worse.

My DH said he was played roughly with as a young child and absolutely loved it and our two sons definitely love it too. They’re in hysterics when the play is going on.

The good news though is that you can stop contact although as you know, it will cause a lot of upset. But, your priority has to be your son and you need to be assertive to your parents and show them that you aren’t going to tolerate their behaviour anymore.

Billballbaggins · 02/01/2019 13:24

As much as you believe you can trust your mum you really cannot. Your dad is the problem but she is the enabler - she tells him when your DS is there, she didn’t protect you from your dad injuring you as a child. What makes you think she will protect your son? She won’t.

Frozenteatowel · 02/01/2019 13:28

Mynewbeartotoro kids love play fighting. Some do, some don’t. My DGD hates it.

trojanpony · 02/01/2019 13:29

Despite “the chat” you cannot trust your mother.

I would only allow access at your house or in a public place with you present from now on.

There is a complicated dynamic here and you need to find a way to navigate through it while protecting your children and your own mental health

Wordthe · 02/01/2019 13:30

@Queen, your husband is giving your son's the message that men do things which are extreme and physically potentially risky, that masculinity is about enjoying being scared and enjoying putting yourself in danger

Will be very clear to them that this is considered appropriate behaviour for men but not for women because for one thing women don't have the physical strength to do this
this is clearly a way of separating men from women and saying that this is appropriate for men but not for women

Omzlas · 02/01/2019 13:31

Your dad is a bully. End of. He's bullying and hurting his grandson.

Stop any contact with him, anywhere. Even at your mum's, by not letting him go there because your Mum can't be trusted to keep your son safe

He dislocated your arm(s?) When you were little but he keeps up this 'game' anyway?

Fuck that. YOU are the parent - advocate for your child because he can't do it himself. It's only a matter of time before your dad dislocated your son's arms, or worse

Wordthe · 02/01/2019 13:31

He is creating a dynamic where the men do crazy exciting fun exhilarating dangerous things
And the women sit passive and powerless watching nervously

Wordthe · 02/01/2019 13:32

(That was specifically @Queen)

JustABetterPlayer · 02/01/2019 13:34

This cannot be serious Confused Mine and every child I’ve ever known has loved playing rough and being flung around by dad/grandad/god parent. It’s generally the child themselves that cause their own injuries and in our house it’s where you get to use the age old expression “It will end in tears”. You are ruining their fun, and they will only be little once.

MrsCBY · 02/01/2019 13:35

We all saw your update, OP.

The problem is this:

The only place I know it's been happening is at my mums and I've said now that my dad is not allowed under any circumstances to go there when my son is there.

Neither of your parents gives a damn what you say, they both ignore you and ride roughshod over your wishes and you KNOW this, because you’re the one who’s told us.

To actually protect your son you need to not let your mother have him on his own any more. It’s blindingly obvious to the rest of us, but unfortunately you’re stuck in denial about this toxic dynamic - which is very common in survivors of emotional abuse.

I’m sorry this is so hard for you. But you owe it to all your DC to start being more honest with yourself about your own childhood and the kind of people your parents are. There comes a point in your life where you have to decide whose opinion carries more weight - your parents’ or your own.

Mishappening · 02/01/2019 13:38

I HATE men who do this with children. Most often they do not know when enough is enough. It is a power trip and makes me want to puke.

JustABetterPlayer · 02/01/2019 13:40

Wordthe the women generally sit passively as they lack the upper body strength (and possibly coordination in many cases). My wife throwing a four year old into the air would end badly I’d imagine.