To think it's polite to not do all of this when planning a wedding

[hibbledibble]

When couples plan a wedding, it seems like often there is little thought given to how easy it will be for guests to attend.

There are three things which can make it difficult for guests to attend a wedding:

1. having it in the middle of nowhere (so guests need to travel, and book one or two nights of accomodation as a minimum)
2. having it on a weekday, especially in the middle of the week (so guests need to use annual leave, or take unpaid leave)
3. not inviting children (childcare costs and logistics)

Doing one or two of the above is forgivable, but aibu for thinking it's really inconsiderate to do all three?

As for weekdays/weekends. A lot of my family work shifts and have loads of flexibility - a wedding invite at six weeks notice whether weekend or weekday wouldn’t phase them as they’d just swop a shift.

In contrast we both nominally work Mon-Fri 9-5, although both do some evenings/weekends. At certain times of the year neither of us would be able to take any leave, whether it’s a year’s notice or six weeks. We tag team that between us in case one of us has to use leave to care for DD if she’s ill. Fortunately those times of the year don’t overlap!

We also have no back up for childcare so if DD wasn’t invited we wouldn’t go to the wedding. It also means we’d be reluctant to use up annual leave for a wedding because we need it in case DD is ill.

Suggesting couples should go for something cheaper and therefore easier for guests doesn’t really support the ‘weddings should be about the couple’ theory!

Actually I didn't suggest anything, I just pointed out that the comments about money are missing the mark, since people are hardly ever doing the midweek rural getaway because they couldn't afford anything else. And as I've pointed out that the 'weddings should be all about the couple theory' is dogshit, you shouldn't really be expecting me to say anything in support of it! If the wedding really isn't about the guests then you don't invite any...

Our parents provided lists of ‘must be invited’ which came as a condition of their financial contribution!

I don't think I'd like that very much.

If the wedding is all about the couple and not at all about the guests don't have any guests! If you do wNt guests then you have to consider if they'll be able to easily attend. Bare in mind that unless they're your parents or best friend your wedding won't be the highlight of their year.

If you make it clear that the perfect venue is more important than your guests, your guests might decide that their annual leave and the extortionate cost if attending is more important than your wedding.

I did attend a wedding some years ago where the official time for the meal was 6pm but by about 8pm there was do sign of anything to eat, and the happy couple were still pissing about with photographs. It must have been planned cheeky fuckery, because no restaurant would hold a meal for two or more hours on a whim. By about 7 people with children had started drifting away, and we finally left at 8 so we could get a table in a restaurant for a meal before driving home. I gather food was finally served by about 9, by which point somewhere between a third and half of the guests - everyone with children, everyone who had come any distance, anyone who was hungry - had left. But presumably that’s normal behaviour for brides who think the wedding is all about them. The bride and her family were apparently very angry and upset. That’s tough, isn’t it?

We got a vague apology from the groom (who had invited us) but I’m afraid I can’t be bothered with the drama. They’ve lost a lot of friends, and I gather some people were on the receiving end of “how could you do this?”

Hence, I am afraid, my lack of sympathy with weddings which think that the guests are just extras in the couple’s film. Extras get fed. And paid.

weddings which think the guests are just extras in the couple's film

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I don't get the mentality that it should be such an honour to be invited to what is fir some couples an extended photo shoot on location that the expense and inconvenience shouldn't matter.

Don't get me wrong I've made huge efforts to attend some weddings but because it was important for the bride and ir groom I was there (and vice versa) not because they wanted an extra for their 'all about me' film.

Their wedding, their choice.

When folks do this it's usually because they are deliberately looking to exclude certain people so if any of the chosen options exclude you then I think you can assume you are on the exclusion list.

You may want to think on the reason why your company is not a necessity to them.

You can't really assume that if they then kick off about you not coming though...

"If you make it clear that the perfect venue is more important than your guests, your guests might decide that their annual leave and the extortionate cost if attending is more important than your wedding."

We were really considerate of our guests, but also made some requests to make the wedding how we wanted it too. So a bit of both.

We specifically went for a Saturday so our teacher friends could attend, and gave plenty notice so weekend workers could get time off.

We allowed kids to the day and evening do, but politely asked that younger children that wouldn't be able to be quiet in the ceremony sat out of the ceremony (our 2 close friends with young children were very understanding as had been worried themselves about them kicking off in the ceremony and got their DHs to wait in the gorgeous sunny gardens avoiding the boring bit they prob didn't care about!)
We did actually offer to pay for childcare to make this easier for guests too, and made sure there was somewhere for them to wait, and if they had said it was too difficult then would have probably just let them in. But I was having panics about kids screaming in the ceremony and having none ourselves we just didn't want that lol.

We made recommendations for accommodation that was affordable, and also offered to organise taxi shares as we knew which guests lived near to each other. We paid for the accommodation for the wedding party and my DH paid for the room for one of his friends that was struggling with money, as we wanted him there.

Our venue was an hour away but we didn't have a choice really as it was planned last minute due to a problem with our original venue!

We really wanted as many of our friends and family to attend as possible and for us that's what made our day enjoyable.

I think it's whatever the couple wants, but for me the wedding was about sharing our day with our guests and if they didn't enjoy it or it was difficult for them then what's the point!?

My friend got married in Rome, about a week before Christmas. I, and many others attended because we love her and therefore, you make the effort

My dd just got married

We planned wedding in city Center, trains available, many hotels, many car parks

Planned on Saturday- late in day which allowed people to travel during morning

Venues struck of list as bar drinks to expensive, picked venue with inexpensive bar prices

Decline presents and requested presence- though many gave cards with money it wasn’t expected

"because we love her and therefore, you make the effort"

That's the argument many bridezillas use against people who can't afford to go to a destination wedding, don't have enough AL, can't leave their children. It is this kind of guilt tripping that really irritates me.

My friend got married in Rome, about a week before Christmas. I, and many others attended because we love her and therefore, you make the effort

Oh, so you magic up AL some jobs prohibit staff from taking around Xmas, a chest of money for childcare you may have to pay for (overnight care, too, possibly, wow) if you have no one who can provide it for free (or for kids with SN, the SN Special Needs Fairy is happy to accommodate), or make your kids go with less at Xmas to enable some a pair of self-absorbed twats indulge their childish fantasies? More fool you then.

Anyone who puts a price on someone's love is a twat, too.

We had our wedding on a Friday ( but at 3) or just evening if you needed to work , in the middle of nowhere. ( well 30 min train ride and ten min taxi from major city ) folk could bring kids though. And camp for free. And we organised taxis and minibus for folk that wanted them and found hotels for all that wanted them. And 3 bands, DJ and bonfire. And loads of food and booze. Had over 100 folk there.

All that if you love me enough you'll make the effort is just emotional blackmail

I, and many others attended because we love her and therefore, you make the effort

I know someone whose son got married in a remote location halfway around the world.

She’s single and her job is a minimum wage one. She didn’t go to her son’s wedding despite getting the invite a year in advance. She would have had to cut back on things like paying her rent and utility bills in order to save up in time for the costs of going to the wedding.

Fortunately her son seems to have had the sense to understand that her non-attendance at his wedding isn’t a reflection of her love for him.

Someone said to me"you're such fun (at a wedding) you should come to my wedding!". It was in Hong Kong.

I just said "it's in Hong Kong".

I'm not that much fun.

Fortunately her son seems to have had the sense to understand that her non-attendance at his wedding isn’t a reflection of her love for him.

Shame that his love for her wasnt reflected in making sure his mother was able to attend his wedding, either by holding it somewhere closer to home, or paying for her. If I was the mother in that situation I would be gutted.

People who don't have annual leave to spare because they have to cover school holidays have no love in their hearts, apparently.

LadyOfTheCanyon

Funnily enough we have declined an evening invitation in Jacksonville, Georgia!

*@DontCallMeCharlotte
*
I hear it's lovely this time of year.

"My friend got married in Rome, about a week before Christmas. I, and many others attended because we love her and therefore, you make the effort" trite nonsense! Not everyone can afford to travel, take annual leave, arrange childcare or have childcare they feel comfortable using for what would be a minimum of 2 nights away to attend such a wedding nor would necessary feel it suitable travel for young children. Doesn't mean any to whom that would apply care any less for the couple.

Especially at a time of year when money is tight and those in retail are on leave bans! "Yea sure I'll risk my job and families livelihood JUST to attend your wedding" I don't think so!

"Fortunately her son seems to have had the sense to understand that her non-attendance at his wedding isn’t a reflection of her love for him." If her son cared for his mother properly he wouldn't have arranged a wedding he knew she couldn't attend.

I have read this thread with interest. I was invited to a wedding on the Friday before Christmas with the expectation we attend the church then travel to the reception an hour away, not exactly in the middle of nowhere but a £30 plus taxi into the nearest town or book a room at the nearby (posh pub) for around £150 for the night. I find this assumption that I have this money to spare on top of the other costs of attending a wedding really rude.

I am mid 40s and work with lots of younger colleagues. It is a mainly female led profession. Most recently have a mortgage with their partner and some have children. However all have expected a big proposal following this and are planning a huge day and falling out with their partner about the details. There is an expectation that their partner asked their father for their hand in marriage, the engagement ring must cost a certain amount and they want to get married in the family church but local venues for the reception are not good enough.
I feel like a grinch as I still very much view marriage in its traditional form as an outdated form of ownership or a religious relic. Legal protection matters but the whole big day for £20 000 seems to have become the young couples dream

Most weddings now all blend into one. Country house, same wedding dress, guests hanging around for ages then soup/smoked salmon, dry chicken, chocolate pudding. Crap entertainment.

I have been to weddings that have not followed this pattern. One because they had a huge budget and looked after their guests. The others because they had a tiny budget, it was all about them wanting to be married and they were creative, amazingly personal and about being married.