To think it's polite to not do all of this when planning a wedding

[hibbledibble]

When couples plan a wedding, it seems like often there is little thought given to how easy it will be for guests to attend.

There are three things which can make it difficult for guests to attend a wedding:

1. having it in the middle of nowhere (so guests need to travel, and book one or two nights of accomodation as a minimum)
2. having it on a weekday, especially in the middle of the week (so guests need to use annual leave, or take unpaid leave)
3. not inviting children (childcare costs and logistics)

Doing one or two of the above is forgivable, but aibu for thinking it's really inconsiderate to do all three?

A relative of mine has arranged their wedding with all 3 of OPs criteria. We declined the invitation and they threw a major strop.

Wouldn’t bother me. Their wedding, their choice. If it didn’t suit me I would decline the invitation. I have no childcare so even giving me a years notice makes no difference so I would instantly decline if it was child free.
My sister in law got married 5 hours away from us. My children were 3 and 6 months. Husband went, I stayed home with the kids as I was on maternity leave and we couldn’t afford it, plus too much travelling for the little ones and the wedding was basically a piss up. She wasn’t phased in the slightest, totally understood and even sent me cake and wedding favours home. If they choose to have a wedding where they know people may not be able to come then they also need to accept that they may have less people there. When we got married we invited people from my husband’s home town, 150 miles away. We understood if they couldn’t come, it was a long way. Some did, some didn’t. We weren’t offended.

As others have said, if the B&G’s priority is for certain people to attend that this would inconvenience, then it’s inconsiderate. If it’s their dream wedding and they accept that it won’t work for everyone they invite then it’s their day & their way.

I guess it depends on how much the wedding couple want to share the day with family and friends. A wedding isn’t a wedding if there are no guests so making it difficult for people to attend may ultimately cost them attendees?!?!

We're doing all three

The wedding that stands out in memory over 20 odd years .Is the one where my cousins father spent a fortune I kid you not
Horse drawn coach ..but they had divided the worth of the quests so some were invited for the evening buffet do as well as the morning church ceremony
We the favoured then went on to the state of the art meal in knight bridge.
And felt this overehelming guilt when the evening guests arrived and could see us still eating our meal
From.the invites there was no indication that this was the plan
It was you so and so are invited to the wedding ceremony and evening buffet

And for others it was you are invited to the wedding ceremony as well as the reception which includes sit down meal as well as a buffet later in the evening
It was a horrible feeling and some we recognised from the church ceremony

Never forgotten

As long as there’s no pressure for guests to attend, I don’t see a problem.

Child free weddings are the best type!

Given our distance from all relatives we chose a venue close to the motorways that would be the route of the majority. We chose the countryside with accommodation on site.

We had exclusive use of the house and parents put babies and young children to bed and brought their monitors downstairs for the evening. We put on an activities room for the children and we out on a meal the night before and a lunch on the day then transported all guests to the church and back so all could enjoy a drink and chatter with all the other guests and not get lost on the way.

We included children and we chose the venue that we thought would benefit the majority.

One person opted not to come due to getting the train and it not being terribly convenient for them. That is despite providing transport options for them.

It was their choice whether to join us on our choice of day.

We spent £25,000 putting on a special day for our guests 15 years ago. All guests needed to pay for was a room B&B, the rest we arranged and covered the cost of.

It was our special day and we wanted all to join us and did all we could to make that possible.

Truly was the best day of my life that day, others have of course trumped that since but I am pleased we made the effort to have a day that was special for ourselves and made it possible for our relatives and friends to join us.

We were broke for years in the run up and years after but I am pleased to have done it

Inviting people for the ceremony but not the reception until the evening really is a special type of inconsiderate. I do actually know someone who did this, friend of a friend, and people were not impressed. Naturally it was at an extremely grand but remote venue, on a weekday. I'd forgotten all about that until I saw your post palaver!

if your host is inconsiderate ....and does'ent apologise in advance that the invite may be tricky for you to attend ...they are thoughtless and no real friend!

I’ve been to loads of evening dos where we haven’t been to afternoon reception. Quite normal I thought as we were not close family for any of them.

We did all three. Reception venue a good 20min drive for everyone, but you could taxi or stay over. Very few kids (only those that came a long distance and close family). Friday wedding. Everyone we invited cane pretty much, including those only invited to the evening. It depends on the people. It just wasn’t an issue any of it!

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick

It's completely normal to have some people invited to the ceremony and wedding meal and then others invited to the reception only...

Is wedding there to accomodate guests or giests should show their willingness to attend ??
I already had personally a massive s@£& from DH family for having the wedding during the week- just one day?!! Cant take a day off for ys?!! Really?
People just dont want to make any effort for others and then moan ! Wedding is about the couple and if they fancy a far venue or save money and have it during the week - it would be reasonable for an important guest as in close friend or relative to make some effort

It's normal to do lots of things that are inconsiderate, so that's not a particularly brilliant barometer.

I'll concede it might be ok if it's all local, particularly where guests won't have needed to book time off work. The person I was talking about had the wedding 150 miles from where most guests lived, very rurally, and they were left to kick around the hotel for several hours before the evening do started. I can assure you all that if you've done that and the guests all said they didn't mind, it was a great wedding etc, some of them were lying.

Actually looking at the responses to me, do people think I'm criticising invitations solely to the evening do? Can't tell from the wording. I'm not. That's fine. I'm criticising inviting people to the ceremony and evening do but not the bit in the middle, unless maybe it's all being held in a small area and they live locally.

I tend to agree with you but our view is about a wedding being a celebration of the sacrament of marriage before family, friends and community. We would want to help our children plan weddings that considered the needs of others and made it a pleasure to attend rather than a chore. We don’t see a wedding as just a party with total bride centric arrangements.

I'm criticising inviting people to the ceremony and evening do but not the bit in the middle, unless maybe it's all being held in a small area and they live locally

Yes that makes more sense. I thought you meant inviting someone to the evening do only, my mistake!

YANU it's their wedding, shouldn't be about anyone else, if you really wanted to be there you would find a way.

Gotcha birdbox. No of course that's absolutely fine! I quite like an evening only invite actually, sometimes it's fun to basically just go to the party bit and not devote the whole day to it. Not if it's like, your son, but if it's a mate you haven't seen in a while or an old colleague or similar, great.

Deja Vu ~ I've just read this exact AIBU on Netmums!

www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/other-chat-514/normal-993/1828437-think-its-polite-not-do-when-planning-wedding.html?utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Daily%20chat%20email%203rd%20January&utm_content=Daily%20chat%20email%203rd%20January+CID_9dd2a40ab4571bc65611e30976bab5ea&utm_source=Emails%20via%20Campaign%20Monitor&utm_term=Read%20more

Ive done two of the above. I booked on a weekday because A) its cheaper and B ) it will be our already anniversary on that day so Its sentimental to us.
Ive booked a place in the middle of nowhere because its pretty and my dream venue. I've said children can come but I imagine if theres alot of children in the couples family and if they dont have kids they may not want them there because they want an adult only vibe where they can relax and may be tight with numbers or costs.
My point is the day is about the people getting married, not you or anyone else so if people have issues with that they shouldnt go. I always say if we mean that much to someone whats the issue its the one and only day I plan to do it . If they dont come fine thats their choice but it just shows how close we are if they dont

Netmums? OMG, I had never even heard of Netmums. It's like a mirror of MN.

Which is the original and which is the knock off?

I don't think it's unreasonable. I get when people say guests don't have to come but for some it's difficult to decline. For example for our wedding we knew that some of our closest relatives were really hard up so we held the wedding very near to them so they wouldn't have to travel or stay in a hotel and also did a self-catering so nobody had to buy expensive drinks. It meant the wedding took a certain format but for us it was important that these family members weren't put under financial pressure because of our special day.

My dh's nieces had destination weddings 20 years ago, that were not remotely affordable for us. (5 star hotels, week of festivities, overseas travel and our dc were quite young).

I had hoped to at least have a dinner to celebrate when they all returned home but that wasn't too happen. I felt very hurt but they have each divorced twice and after not receiving Thank You's for wedding gifts or baby gifts, I've written them off.

Their choice in wedding venues and inclusiveness has continued to the point where we are now nc.

They wanted a splash but didn't care about the marriage.