To think it's polite to not do all of this when planning a wedding

[hibbledibble]

When couples plan a wedding, it seems like often there is little thought given to how easy it will be for guests to attend.

There are three things which can make it difficult for guests to attend a wedding:

1. having it in the middle of nowhere (so guests need to travel, and book one or two nights of accomodation as a minimum)
2. having it on a weekday, especially in the middle of the week (so guests need to use annual leave, or take unpaid leave)
3. not inviting children (childcare costs and logistics)

Doing one or two of the above is forgivable, but aibu for thinking it's really inconsiderate to do all three?

I don't agree with the midweek one.

I'd like to this those close to me wouldn't begrudge taking a days annual leave with plenty of notice to come to my wedding when it will save me and DP hundreds if not thousands of pounds not having it on a Saturday.

One of my best friends is getting married this year on a Wednesday. She informed us at the back end of last year and I didn't even think about it, just booked the day off because she's my friend and u want to go and share her day. I'm happy to use a days annual leave for that.

I’m glad I’m at an age where it doesnt look like I’ll be going to a wedding anytime soon. They seem so complicated these days.

@reflectant

If you want a Saturday wedding - with kids - at one of the nice houses near us- £150 a head! (Granted we’re a very nice area but to go further away would be ‘impolite’, right?)

By contrast the same wedding would be £120 a head on a Friday/Sunday (excluding BH’s) or £100 for a Mon-Wed!

Venues are smart and despite going into wedding planning thinking ‘I’ll cut the costs and be smart) I ended up feeling like I was trapped in a money maze! Every turn I made to avoid overpaying was met with a cleverly placed wall! (Exclusive caterers- surcharges- restrictions)

The ONLY thing I managed was to pick a date 8 months away (cancellation) and negotiate a 30% discount due to ‘late availability’ but it turns out that 30% off ‘ridiculously inflated’ is still pretty pricey!

Context and knowing your guests matters.

We have family and friends scattered throughout the UK and beyond, so for the vast majority of guests, it was never going to be an afternoon out and drive home in the evening, so we planned it that there was more to do and visit in the area after making the effort to travel. We ended up in a beautiful rural area because the few places in town that could take 100 guests were pretty grim corporate type venues, so for the effort involved anyway, a moderate diversion to the countryside was a small extra. Nearly all our guests can and are happy to drive distances and the few older guests were able to share with close family with little inconvenience.

I knew a few cousins would have to decline as between my work and needs of DH's family we just couldn't get a time mutually compatible to all. Unfortunate, but no offense taken.

Child free could not have worked due to distances. We talked to friends and some were happy and able to arrange babysitters. No one had to decline because babysitting wasn't avaliable.

I always thought it was harsh that a friend was left out of his close family's destination wedding as he was the only one in a small family that couldn't afford to go. Destination weddings started as a way to minimise the guest list, but seem to have grown so that some people expect a full guest list to travel. That is a massive burden of cost and time/ annual leave to place on guests.

I have trekked up to the Scottish Highlands for a wedding on a mountain for hill walking friends. It was just immediate family (very small families) and hill walkers, so worked in that context. It was a wonderful, cosy, low key wedding that suited the couple perfectly. Doing it on a large scale for a different audience would not have worked so well.

Timings such as mid-week, term time/ holidays depends very much on who you know and what they do. Some occupations will need a lot of notice to book leave at peak times. August would be good for education, terrible for the tourist industry.

Just be honest to yourself about what you want, who you want and what the realistic barriers are, and don't take declines personally, especially if you know your plans are unfeasible to your guests.

The idea that some of us might come from cultures where people there is a concept of people 'covering their plates' clearly hasn't even occurred to you MrDarcy...

I had a middle of nowhere wedding a minimum of an hour from our guests - two hours for us.

Accommodation on site was 60 pounds pp, and we fed and boozed everyone through from Friday to Sunday. Oh,and sent most people away with a few bottles of wine.

And I didn't give a toss if it was awkward for anyone. I think we threw a wonderful bash. (looking at you, aunt who called to complain about all three menu options and that it was the weekend she planned to do Christmas shopping).

If you want a Saturday wedding - with kids - at one of the nice houses near us- £150 a head!

I booked a private room in a restaurant, and didn't tell them it was a wedding.

It's all just such a rip-off.

For those inviting people who they know can't (or are very, very unlikely to) attend, but feel they've done their duty by sending the invitation anyway, we know from threads on here that it can be seen as a grabby attempt to say 'but send us a present anyway' - whether that was or wasn't intended.

Weddings have become a rip off, and there are still some brides who think the wedding has to involve every guest spending thousands to give them their dream. But we've seen this year - again via threads on MN - that many people are now backing away from the commercial spending fest that is Christmas, and maybe the tide will turn for weddings too.

@reflectant

Well congratulations - but not everyone wants their wedding in one room at a restreraunt under a cloud of lies!

Plus, most of the decent places in our (very popular) area, have cottoned on to this and now have clauses in the contracts to say if the event turns out to be a wedding you will be liable to pay the difference!

We got married on a Friday as it was so much cheaper than the Saturday. I know that's frowned upon on MN but no one complained. We invited children during the day (I would have rather it was child free but DH has grandchildren) but the evening invitations were evening only. I still got asked if one guest could bring their kid but said no. Obviously the children there from the day time could stay, I just didn't want to have to pay for any more.

If people hadn't been able to come because of this then I would have understood and certainly wouldn't have been upset. I was a bit put out with the people who couldn't come as they were getting a puppy as they pulled out shortly before the wedding meaning we'd paid for their meal.

The best ‘impolite’ wedding behaviour I’ve witnessed was a friend of mine who had a ‘no kids’ wedding at a very swank place last summer (probably around £150 per person).

One of her DH cousins (CF) strongly opposed the no kids ban ‘childcare fell through on the day’ (highly suspect she never had it) so she rocked up with her four children under 12 😲 !!!

She made a ‘big’ deal about how easily the wedding accommodated for them! Catering provided them with meals...etc! Said to bride how it ‘really hadn’t caused any fuss’!

😂 CF caused a HUGE fuss when my friend sent her the £320 invoice (£85 per child) which the catering company/venue had charged her for their attendance!

*£340

Plus, most of the decent places in our (very popular) area, have cottoned on to this and now have clauses in the contracts to say if the event turns out to be a wedding you will be liable to pay the difference!

As I say. The word for people who sign these sorts of contracts is "mug". You can't complain if you're ripped off when you're wearing a tee shirt saying "please rip me off, I'm OK with that" while holding your wallet out with a big sign saying "help yourself".

@reflect

What kind of places are you going to that don’t require an event contract for a booking of 50+ people!

I would suggest that the name for people who pay deposits/payments to venues - without having a contract is ‘MUG’

Wasn’t there a thread on here a couple of days ago about how a woman had booked a private tea room to ‘keep costs low’ and they’d gone out of business refusing to refund her anything she had paid!

She got beyond trolled for not having a contract!

What kind of places are you going to that don’t require an event contract for a booking of 50+ people!

Ones which don't say "if it's a birthday, price X, but if it's a wedding, price Y, Y>X".

In other words, contracts: of course. Contracts with ludicrous clauses: no.

@Reflect

I imagine you live in a very different part of the country to me!
Whilst you may have decent venues around you who will do this - others may not.

I arrange lots of events for my company- from 30 people dinners to 300 people conferences - so have a very good grasp of the events market/ standard practice and it is RARE to find a venue not covered for ‘if it’s a wedding you have to pay the difference’

So rather than classing people as ‘MUGS’ perhaps you could consider that!

Yes dd worked at a hotel which did lots of weddings.
She said the first question they had to ask anyone booking an event was ;
Is it for a wedding?
In which case the "wedding package" prices had to be quoted.

I had a mid week half term (to accommodate nieces/nephews and teacher friends) wedding, in the middle of nowhere with only family children invited (and 1 new baby) and 120 out of our 127 person guest list came! We gave people 18months notice that the wedding would be mid week and gave plenty of low cost accommodation options near by. We are from different areas of the country and have friends from all over, so everybody had to travel!
I don't give a shit if anyone thought it was 'impolite' of us to have the wedding we wanted and paid a considerable amount for. I also didn't find it offensive if someone didn't come because they couldn't get time off/afford a hotel/travel/had something better to do. It happens. I'm still friends with these people.

I don't mind the costs/time/annual leave associated with going see my friends/family get married where THEY want to, when THEY want to, whatever time of day THEY want to and invite whoever the hell THEY want to! I go because I love them and want to see them happy. Who am I (or you) to judge when some else wants to throw the wedding/party they have put their valuable time, love and money into. Just because you feel it's an inconvenience to you doesn't mean everyone else does!

I think I've declined more invites than I've accepted. One friend fell out with me after planning her rural wedding (300miles away from me) on a Sunday during term time and didn't understand why I couldn't just ask the school for a day off. Another close friend was upset when I declined to leave my then 3mo bf baby for a weekend (or hire a stranger local to the venue ir pay for an extra room for a GP to come with us). There were no hard feelings from my side but don't make it difficult for people then bitch when we don't come.

Another close friend was upset when I declined to leave my then 3mo bf baby for a weekend

But remember, it's an invitation not a summons, and honour, a people getting married in never do anything other than accept declines with good grace.

As long as you accept some people will decline, then choose all three if you want, and give reasonable notice (I would say at least six months).

Like many others have said you either have to have a wedding 'your way' and but be prepared that some may not attend, especially if you don't give lots of notice or have a wedding with the convenience of your guests in mind. I had the latter, ended up with a Saturday, in a city and gave parents the choice of whether to bring their children (I'd say it was 50/50). Although, I still did it my way! Many wedding venues aren't that accessible to be fair and weddings are so expensive weekdays save a fortune and if you have limited space you might not be able to fit in everyone's children as well (whether or not you actually want children at the wedding).