To think it's polite to not do all of this when planning a wedding

[hibbledibble]

When couples plan a wedding, it seems like often there is little thought given to how easy it will be for guests to attend.

There are three things which can make it difficult for guests to attend a wedding:

1. having it in the middle of nowhere (so guests need to travel, and book one or two nights of accomodation as a minimum)
2. having it on a weekday, especially in the middle of the week (so guests need to use annual leave, or take unpaid leave)
3. not inviting children (childcare costs and logistics)

Doing one or two of the above is forgivable, but aibu for thinking it's really inconsiderate to do all three?

I'm currently doing my table plan and I dont think I ever really realised quite how difficult it is to accommodate all your guests.

If our budget was endless none of the issues you have mentioned would be on my agenda. However having a venue a little out of our desired catchment I'm comparison to the one I wanted saved us 4k. We are having a midweek wedding which saved us another 3k. We have invited everyone we wanted but only immediate families children, that exculdes an additional 30 children which would of cost us £40 per head. We have what I consider a very very good budget but still small in the eyes of many. There's no way we could have chosen the other options we simply couldn't afford it. Its easy to moan as a guest but I think people often forget the bride and groom are stressed and poor by the end of planning and putting yourselves out or paying a sitter isn't much grief if you really do want to be there.

We had an intimate wedding with very few guests, no one had young children that needed a sitter, it was miles away from where we lived. We invited two friends who lived nearest to be witnesses but found out owing to shift patterns they couldn’t make it, we knew some others might not make it either but that was ok because it was our choice. The two who couldn’t make it fell out with us because we didn’t contact them straight after the wedding to let them know how it went, they made a point of saying that they had returned our gift! Everyone else came in spite of the long journey/overnight stay.
Weirdly one couple who came chose the same venue for their wedding a couple of years later by which time we had a young baby. We declined the invitation and sent a fairly substantial cheque for a wedding present explaining that we didn’t think it was feasible to travel hundreds of miles with such a young baby but hoped they had as wonderful a time as we did. They banked the cheque but never talked to us again!

Yes if they become angry or hostile when it's very difficult for you to attend financially or geographically because of their choices.

We married on a Thursday but it was city centre and kids were welcome. Free bar too!

I hear you OP.

Then when you decline, or send OH on their own to accommodate - you get called an arsey witch!!

These 5 star Thai extravaganzas appear to end in divorce rather quickly.

I much prefer a simple over-nighter at most and a good old knees-up to celebrate a happy union.

I had a spate of declining exh’s banker mates weddings as they were more than a family holiday and on principle, and cos I didn’t like them much, I missed nothing and enjoyed the FB pics instead.

My daughter is getting married in a manor house "in the middle of nowhere" and on a weekday because it was so much cheaper. We are just barely affording the wedding and can only invite 50 guests. It's almost a relief when some decline, but few have. Children are allowed, but you need to realise it is very hard to organise and pay for a wedding. They were going to elope because they couldn't afford it really, but I asked them not to. If a few guests can't make it because its a weekday or too much to travel, fair enough. Just politely decline.

It’s not rude as long as they don’t get put out and rude to people when they aren’t able to attend. I was invited to a wedding which would require a night away and childcare and would have loved to have been able to go but even if we could have found childcare we couldn’t afford the round trip and the hotel. I explained this discreetly to the bride and said that whilst I would love to be able to come I didn’t have many people I could trust to leave DCs with mainly the youngest as she was only 9 months old and that on top of that I didn’t have £100 spare for a hotel. She got really offended that I couldn’t prioritise her wedding and blocked me on Facebook etc.

Her planning a wedding that I couldn’t feasibly attend was her choice and my rude.

Me declining to go because I was unable to was my choice and not rude.

Her resulting reaction was rude and cost us our friendship because she was so adamant that I couldn’t possibly see her as important if I couldn’t attend her wedding. I do wonder now that she is a parent herself of twin toddlers and now relying on only her husband’s income not her own as well she might look back on her actions differently. Aw well.

The bride and groom have every right to have the wedding they want , where they want and with whom they want. I just won’t be there. I hate weddings. Only one I have ever enjoyed was mine. Us two plus 10 guests. Local Registry Office. We used taxis. Michelin starred restaurant for fabulous meal. Then home. Hopefully I will have either inspired or annoyed enough people for me never to be invited to a wedding. Ever. Overrated, too expensive, divisive, delusional wate of time and money. Nothing I have seen on MN has convinced me to the contrary.

MrDarcywillbemine - but guests DO shell out in total probably the same or more than it costs the couple to host them. New outfits they wouldn't otherwise have bought, travel, accommodation, gift, meals & drinks outside of what's provided by the couple, possibly childcare costs...

Your friends that had the awkward wedding shouldn't be complaining about others weddings given they're no more awkward than theirs was. But that doesn't equate to others who WERE considerate wanting others to do likewise.

And I agree £150 a head is ridiculous and anyone who chooses/agrees to pay that has more money than sense! Where are you (roughly) that this is the price? Because I'm pretty sure if we knew we could find places cheaper.

How they feel they have the right to add clauses to charge extra if they discover the event is a wedding - when they're providing NOTHING extra as a result - is extortion in my opinion. I'm beginning to wonder if you're actually a wedding vendor?!

And your comment to reflectent was nasty and unnecessary.

Reflectent never said NO contract they said agreeing to ridiculous contracts makes you a mug - and I agree! The consumer has the power, if they refuse to give companies that act like this their custom those companies will soon change their tune! It DOESN'T cost these companies any more to provide the same service on a Saturday than on any other day, and depending on style of event entirely possible it's also no more expensive to them to provide the service they give for eg a 40th wedding anniversary party except for a wedding party. It IS a rip off and it's deceptive!

"I arrange lots of events for my company- from 30 people dinners to 300 people conferences" ahhhh so you do have a vested interest in prices staying high as then YOU can charge more too. Got ya!

That's 2 of your posts I've reported now for being unnecessarily sneery. Your post at 1524 is bloody disgusting! No need to be so rude!

Inthebirdbox - but you CAN take that time off - not everyone CAN! Either logistically or financially. How many of that friends guests genuinely won't be able to make that date? Doesn't mean they care any less for her. In the current economic climate people are really struggling financially and extremely loathe to risk their jobs or even "just" a disciplinary for what is essentially a social occasion that its not essential for them to attend.

"and maybe the tide will turn for weddings too." Let's hope so because it's getting stupid!

Palaver - that's plain rude! It's like the couple went out of their way to make sure people knew where in their opinion they were "ranked" completely classless behaviour!

PolarBearkshire - and have you even considered that your having a midweek wedding is not just an inconvenience but could seriously impact them financially? Could put their jobs at risk? Aren't logistically practical for their family? Your wedding day is important to YOU that doesn't mean it's of equal importance to others. You CHOSE the day you did that IS going to mean some CAN'T attend. Throwing a fit at declinations is rude and tacky! Take a look at the post upthread detailing what it costs your guests to take even 1 day off and grow up!

"if you really wanted to be there you would find a way."

"I always say if we mean that much to someone whats the issue its the one and only day I plan to do it . If they dont come fine thats their choice but it just shows how close we are if they dont"

What utter rubbish! What an entitled narrow minded attitude!

So people who GENUINELY cannot afford to take time off - on minimum wage jobs , zero hours contracts, your wedding is at a time of a leave ban for their industry etc it's not that they're protecting their families financial security it's "well they don't care enough about MEEEEEEEE" ffs grow up!! And don't be so stunningly self absorbed!

Christ under the current "regime" if someone has a UC appointment on that day they've sod all chance of getting it changed for a friend's wedding! Do you REALLY think they should risk a weeks/months long sanction just to attend your wedding?! Get a grip!

"They were going to elope because they couldn't afford it really, but I asked them not to." Why? If that's what they wanted to do and if they were going to pay for that why would you stop them?

Jessebumi - but as you can see from several posts on this thread alone there ARE people who consider a decline as an affront to their "honour" of having invited you in the first place!

People seem to be forgetting good manners in many areas of life now but it's particularly obvious when it comes to weddings.

Social media has made people more image aware but people still have agency they have choices. Not all brides & grooms turn into bride/groomzillas, those that do have made a choice to do so. If they lose relationships or have to deal with hurt/offended people as a result, that's on them and their behaviour.

Enthymeme . Ive invited only close family to my wedding I meant my post in respect of our wedding. My SIL is getting married on a cruise Ive explained I wouldnt be able to fork out 3.5k but would be there for the british reception shes fine with it. If she said she couldnt come to ours and gave a petty reason then yeah I would think she didnt give a damn about me. However if she turned around and gave a genuine reason like I cannot afford this id say okay ill pay for you or its fine I understand. Taking snapshots out of someone's post and calling them self absorbed is rude. I have family not coming to the wedding because they're teachers I understand that but stating your upset with someone for booking their wedding day not to suit someone else or yourself is just plain ridiculous . My point was not in the context you made it to be I should've stated clearly if someone said Im not coming because its a weekday and you should have it on a weekend and genuinely could make it but just clearly didnt want to I would say what about the people that work weekends ? I hope I have phrased better for you

Hey thought get married in a cave??

I think that reply was actually aimed at me and I based my response on what you said in your first post.

You didn't say anything in that post that indicated you were ok about people who genuinely couldn't come declining the invite.

However, even with that caveat, you still seem to have a mindset of reasons which you would or wouldn't seem acceptable for declining - that is self absorbed because accepting the invite is a CHOICE.

A persons reasons for declining are perfectly acceptable to them it's not for you to decide if it's a good enough reason or not.

To ascribe an acceptance or declining of an invitation to ONE event on one day as indicative of how much that person cares about you is ridiculous!

To be honest it rather indicates you don't think very much of them!

purple vamp how weird. I am not 'Amber V', and this thread was posted before that one. It's odd that someone copied and pasted it onto another site, why so that?

What really irritates me - far more than friends getting married in the highlands on a term time Tuesday, is the negative attitude towards big traditional weddings!

All wedding types are fine, whether you spend £50 or £50,000!

But there is a real culture on MN (in RL too) to diss big expensive weddings! Suggesting couples love each other less or won’t last- calling people stupid or ‘mugs’!

You don’t get people who are spending £30k on weddings trolling ‘poor’ people about their ‘cheap’ choices the same way 🤔 so I can only assume that it’s in fact driven by jealousy!

The wedding industry is a monsterous beast and frankly very unfair to couples who have limited resources and no family help! But that doesn’t mean that those who can afford it are in some way ‘inferior’!

I love the village hall wedding from 50 years ago when a cake and a vicar was enough!! But I also think that If you can afford it and already own a home and are well set up then why not spend your money on a wonderful wedding!

You don’t get people who are spending £30k on weddings trolling ‘poor’ people about their ‘cheap’ choices the same way

So your weatherspoons crack wasn’t a sneer? Right.

@reflectant

To being directly called a mug? Multiple times - yes it was!

🤔

Not sure that biting back at someone brashly calling names can be classed as ‘starting’ it though!

I am engaged and am sorely tempted to elope. I want to be married but the huge amount of drama surrounding venues, guests, whether people will bitch about my choices etc...doesn't do it for me at all

Wholovesorangesoda.
Go for it.
I quite agree with Twilightsparkles “the day is about the people getting married, ” no one else.
(BTW I hadn’t read your post and was not alluding to anything you said. I was just ranting about weddings generally. Look at all the recent Wedding threads on MN recently the absolute chaos and grief they seem to cause.)

I think the people who are saying that couples should refuse to engage with venues that have contracts for weddings are being slightly disingenuous.

So if we had refused to get married on a Saturday ( useful for most of our guests) the venue would have shrugged and taken someone else's money for that day. It's not like Brides and Grooms can go on strike and make their feelings known up and down the land as one. So then we would have got married on, say, a Wednesday, which would be a massive ball ache for the 80% of guests who work mon-fri.

Venues we looked at that could accommodate the amount of people we would like to celebrate with all came out at about the same price whether you dry hired or had it catered for you. Venues aren't daft- they either impose minimum spends ( plus service charge or VAT) or have minimum attendance numbers. We looked at village halls - even ones in further flung suburbs "knew their worth" as it were, and had we gone for that option, we would have had to task members of our family and friends with serving food and drinks and cleaning the place after we had left which we didn't want to do - we want people to celebrate with us , not do a days work.

We're getting married in central London as the majority of attendees are from there, so cost of travel for them should be a travelcard. Plus childcare in the case of ten couples, but as all children are teens that has fallen to family members so no huge costs there.

Family coming from further away don't mind the imposition as they would come wherever we are ( as we would for them).

We have made clear no presents or money, there is no dress code, there is money behind the bar for evening guests. We chose the date we did to accommodate the people who are on holiday/work abroad. We didn't choose a date in the school holidays when people might be away. In short we have bent over backwards to make sure our guests have a lovely day with us and I'm really looking forward to it. If people want to buy a new dress/ stay in a hotel that will be down to them. We are putting up family in our house who have travelled the furthest.
I get the amazement at the Princess elements you hear about in some MN threads, but I'm fucked if I'm being lumped in with them.

YANBU,

I think that you are spot on in the idea that, if you do all three, it is inconsiderate.

The wedding is for the bride and groom, the party is for everyone. And most couples would be upset if close friends declined on the grounds of convenience and cost.

Better to have an accessible weekend wedding with fewer guests than expect everyone to take time off for your party.

I think you’d be surprised how many couples send out obligation invites and don’t really care if people come or not!

Our parents provided lists of ‘must be invited’ which came as a condition of their financial contribution!

Whilst I like the 30 ish family members and friends on mine - and have nothing against them! I can’t say I’m fussed whether the cousins I’ve seen 3 times in the last five years, or Auntys/Uncles who live abroad come! 🤔

It’s totally wrong to put pressure on people to attend- couples who do are indeed very impolite. However, if we adopted the approach some cultures do - ‘everyone covers their own plate’ 🤔 I wonder how many would still complain that the wedding wasn’t in a popular central location, on a Saturday, with their 3 children invited!

Think people would suddenly be a lot more willing to travel a bit, take a day off work, or leave the kids with gran- if it saved THEM £100’s pounds

NOBODY said not to have contracts - what myself snd I think one or 2 others said was refuse to agree to STUPID greedy contracts.

There are plenty of venues competing for couples custom particularly as weddings aren't as popular as they once were. So the couples DO have the power to vote with their purses/wallets!

And if couples expect, even demand more for less then venues will reduce how much they rip them off by.

However, if we adopted the approach some cultures do - ‘everyone covers their own plate

Then it would be easy enough to say “no”.

But a swift scan of American MN equivalents shows that a common problem is people booking places with a minimum head count and then whining that not enough people accepted.

When I pay for a meal it is where and what and when I want to eat. Not reheated hotel buffet shite, served after a protracted photo shoot and two hours’ standing around with anything to eat or drink. .

Mr. Darcy : Our parents provided lists of ‘must be invited’ which came as a condition of their financial contribution!

Classy.