AIBU Grandparents taking in refugee

[LittleMissQuick]

As of this week my parents in law have taken in a refugee (through a charity but there vetting process is not great tbh) into their home. However me and my partner are now very uncomfortable about leaving our 19 month old over night. In the day she is never left alone but she sleeps in her own room at night and this is what bothers us. We feel this leaves our baby really vulnerable because they have a large house, don't use monitors and rely on hearing her in the mornings (which we tested this past weekend when we stayed, they dont hear her till she is full balling - another thing we're not happy with now). We are now in the position of telling them they cant have her overnight without us, but we dont want this to stop them offering out there space rooms. But it's a complete stranger we know nothing about and we wouldn't be there. Are we being unreasonable?

No you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Do not blame you and neither can they.

YANBU but to be honest them not hearing her until she is balling would be a dealbreaker for me anyway. Over time you may get to know their new housemate and may feel more comfortable with it.

No you’re not unreasonable. Anybody in the house that you don’t know is worthy of being worried about. Don’t allow it. ☺️

No of course YANBU. Your child your rules. I can’t imagine any parent being comfortable with that arrangement. Why are you concerned about it? Surely PIL will see your point of view?

Where abouts are you? Are you in Scandinavia?

Both positions are completely understandable. Someone being a refugee has nothing to do with it: it's a person you don't know.

I think they're doing an amazing and generous thing, and I hope to do the same this year.

Yanbu at all.

Good lord absolutely NOT. YANBU

considering some of the stories about some refugees

Like what?

Please please please don't leave your baby there

YANBU. Its a complete stranger, no one can blame you for prioritising the safety of your child. Especially as she's so young!

Some friends of my parents took in 2 refugees that were claiming to be children. These men were clearly in their 30s, but there was no proof that they weren’t 17, so they were housed as children. It was absolutely ludicrous, the system is insane.

YANBU but unless they expect her to sleep over soon then I wouldn’t be making a thing out of it. I’d just not mention them sleeping over. I imagine they’ll have enough on their plate anyway

Really @Fraula ?
...Really?

Do you live under a rock?

YANBU

It's a lovely thing for them to do, but it doesn't change the fact that there is a stranger in the house. I wouldn't be comfortable with it either tbh

Yanbu! I would not be comfortable about her being alone in that situation. I think you need to just explain that to them and that you appreciate them very much and its a kind thing there doing but for now your not comfortable with overnight stays alone x

What a wonderful warm hearted and generous thing for your PIL to do. I wish we had the space to be able to open our home to someone in such desperate straits.

While I understand your concerns, how often does your child stay over unaccompanied anyway? Will it be a major issue to say that you want time to get to know the new lodger before the next time?

It's not the fact this person is a refugee that would bother me but that they are a stranger to your PILs. I would say no too OP.

I would feel exactly the same as you, regardless of what refugees say about their background you can never know for sure.
You are ultimately responsible for your child's safety, do what is best for there safety.
The road to hell is paved by good intentions, you wouldn't want to look back saying we should have been more careful.

I think the refugee status is a red herring. I wouldn’t leave my DC in those circumstances regardless of who they are. It could be a lodger, student etc and my response would be the same.

It’s just not worth the risk.

YANBU. Just be honest with them. Maybe they could babysit at yours occasionally so they can still have time with her? Buy them a monitor and set it up.

ShartOfGold

I have had a fair amount of contact with refugees. I don't distrust them more than your average British person.

I'll be hosting a woman because I don't trust men in general. I have several children including a baby and toddler and don't think I'm putting them in danger. In fact, I'd really like to host a mother with a child.

What a lovely thing for your parents to do.

My DPs over the years have opened their homes to teens from impoverished Eastern block countries and most recently my DM has had a family stay as lodgers while they found their feet. I suspect she did zero vetting but I respected her as an adult.

Surely your issue about your baby overnight being safe because your parents can't hear her in the room is entirely separate to one about refugees.