Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU Grandparents taking in refugee

107 replies

LittleMissQuick · 01/01/2019 22:35

As of this week my parents in law have taken in a refugee (through a charity but there vetting process is not great tbh) into their home. However me and my partner are now very uncomfortable about leaving our 19 month old over night. In the day she is never left alone but she sleeps in her own room at night and this is what bothers us. We feel this leaves our baby really vulnerable because they have a large house, don't use monitors and rely on hearing her in the mornings (which we tested this past weekend when we stayed, they dont hear her till she is full balling - another thing we're not happy with now). We are now in the position of telling them they cant have her overnight without us, but we dont want this to stop them offering out there space rooms. But it's a complete stranger we know nothing about and we wouldn't be there. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:

user1andonly · 02/01/2019 00:11

Goodness, yanbu

Your in-laws are doing a wonderful, kind thing and, hopefully, helping a decent, law abiding person who is in an awful situation through no fault of their own.

Still wouldn't leave my baby there though. I'd say the same for any stranger who would have unsupervised access overnight while the grandparents were deeply asleep. Just no!

GlitterStick · 02/01/2019 00:24

Nothing to do with being a refugee, I wouldn't have wanted mine to be there without me around any strangers at all

Ribbonsonabox · 02/01/2019 00:28

What your in laws are doing is really kind. It's still a complete stranger though so I dont think you are being unreasonable. I'd not leave my young child anywhere overnight where a complete stranger would also be staying unless my child would be sharing a room with an adult I trusted at the very least.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/01/2019 00:30

I think when you talk to them focus on the stranger not refugee bit and the fact that they can't hear her when she's upset.

If they're just having her because they want to ather than for childcare for work then the ball is in their court. You're happy for her to sleep home every night unless they can adequately safe guard her.

grimupnorth1 · 02/01/2019 00:35

The fact they are a refugee is completely irrelevant. I wouldn't leave my child in a house with a stranger, wait until you get to know them. It sounds like there are issues anyway so it may give you a chance to resolve those in the mean time...

ReaganSomerset · 02/01/2019 00:37

@tempester28

How would meeting this person help?

PineapplePower · 02/01/2019 06:14

Child molesters and murderers live in every country and under every regime on the planet

True but cultures aren’t all the same, many don’t have the same respect for women’s autonomy that Westerners are used to. Of course, OP’s child is just a baby, so in this case, it’s definitely an unknown person situation, not that they are a refugee.

Just wanted to point out that refugee status may be a concern in some circumstances. Look up bacha bazi and prepare to be sick.

MitziK · 02/01/2019 06:33

If it's because it's a stranger in the same house as your DC, YANBU.

If it's because it's a refugee in the same house as your DC, YABU.

bellinisurge · 02/01/2019 06:33

I wouldn't be keen on anyone staying in the house as well as parents if my dd was there overnight and not in my room with me. Forget refugee arguments.

StuffingSandwich · 02/01/2019 07:07

No. You are not being unreasonable in not wanting your child to sleep overnight in a house with a stranger.

Not in the slightest.

Myglassesareknackered · 02/01/2019 08:10

If it's because it's a stranger in the same house as your DC, YANBU.

If it's because it's a refugee in the same house as your DC, YABU.

This

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 02/01/2019 08:18

I wouldn't, not with a lodger (wherev9they come from) and/or not if they can't hear her crying at night. Either is a deal breaker.

DH's aunt has always taken in lodgers, even after finding out one had abused her DS as a child; even after having some 'child' refugees placed with her. And her children sent their children to stay over night even after what had happened. Never worked that one out.

JellyBaby666 · 02/01/2019 08:23

Buy a baby monitor, plug it in and tell them they need to use it! Simple. Spend time getting to know this stranger, I can imagine they’re unsure of what to expect and worried too. They don’t always get treated well in these situations as they’re so vulnerable.

BaeBae · 02/01/2019 08:24

I would not leave my DC there day or night full stop.

user1471426142 · 02/01/2019 08:26

You are not being unreasonable but I also wouldn’t be thrilled during the day either. Does you little one not nap? Would there not be the same issue. At the end of the day, they are doing a nice thing but that is not necessarily compatible with childcare. I’d say the same about any lodger to be honest. You know absolutely nothing about this person who will potentially have close or unsupervised access to your child.

TwinkleToes101 · 02/01/2019 08:33

I think OP is using the poor baby sitting situation as an excuse to express her disapproval of her parents' decision.

To explain: parents' home is not really set up for having a baby overnight. Having it such the baby has to scream to be heard is not what most people would be comfortable with. But this isn't what OP highlights, only that the refugees might do something that wouldn't be heard (that 'thing' is left nebulous). The real issue is with the refugees not the baby.

BigPinkOrchid · 02/01/2019 09:16

YANBU, and I say this as a single parent who hosted a refugee for 6 months when my DS was 2 years old. But, the refugee was a pregnant woman already known to the charity I volunteered with. Also, my son's bedroom was right next to my bedroom (in fact, all 3 bedroom doors are next to each other) and I'm a very light sleeper and wake up at the slightest sound of anyone moving around the house.

Agree with others that the refugee status of your parents' lodger is irrelevant. It's the fact that they're a stranger and the house layout seems potentially problematic for keeping an eye on/ear out for your DD overnight. I wouldn't be sending my DS for sleepovers in that situation.

TimeToTakeTheTreeDown · 02/01/2019 09:29

I refused to let my child stay overnight in a house in which a stranger had moved in. They were known to the person whose house they moved into but were a complete stranger to me.

It caused huge problems at the time. Huge.

I stuck to my guns. I did get to know the person so that, at some point, they were no longer a stranger.

It later transpired that it was precisely the right decision...

It's just not worth the risk and a few chats over a coffee and sympathy for their background doesn't change that.

TimeToTakeTheTreeDown · 02/01/2019 09:32

they’re so vulnerable

Not quite as vulnerable as a sleeping 19 month old baby though, eh?

Not making any comment on their refugee status - lots of people are vulnerable. That doesn't lessen their risk to another vulnerable person.

Allthewaves · 02/01/2019 09:43

Does she sleep in their room? My in-laws slept with any of ours until they were at least 3 in their room as they have a big house and mil was worried about not hearing them

TimeToTakeTheTreeDown · 02/01/2019 10:07

In the day she is never left alone but she sleeps in her own room at night and this is what bothers us. We feel this leaves our baby really vulnerable because they have a large house, don't use monitors and rely on hearing her in the mornings (which we tested this past weekend when we stayed, they dont hear her till she is full balling - another thing we're not happy with now)

Hopefully this answers your questions, Allthewaves

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 02/01/2019 10:27

Agree with others no. They can still have great relationships without them she doesn't need to stay over night, all of it sounds pretty worrying

JellyBaby666 · 02/01/2019 10:50

@Time

I didn’t say blindly trust this person. But there’s 2 issues - firstly, the fact the baby has to be screaming for the GP’s to hear her, not okay. Easily remedied, or stop sending her for sleepovers.

However I stand by my second point. Don’t leave your baby with a stranger and of course be careful as you would be around someone you don’t know but the fact they’re a refugee shouldn’t be the reason they’re not trusted.

And yes they see vulnerable. Not saying a 19 month old isn’t, of course, but nowhere did I say to just leave your baby with a stranger. But the lodger is vulnerable too - why does it have to be either or? Imagine being in a new country where you may not speak the language well, have fled a scary and potentially very dangerous situation in your home country where you might have left friends and family behind, where your history and belongings are. And now you’re living with strangers because you have safety but you’re alone. You don’t think that makes someone vulnerable? Worthy of human kindness?

There’s 2 issues here that have been conflated into one thing.

TimeToTakeTheTreeDown · 02/01/2019 11:17

But the lodger is vulnerable too - why does it have to be either or? Imagine being in a new country where you may not speak the language well, have fled a scary and potentially very dangerous situation in your home country where you might have left friends and family behind, where your history and belongings are. And now you’re living with strangers because you have safety but you’re alone. You don’t think that makes someone vulnerable? Worthy of human kindness?

Of course they are worthy of human kindness! If I have said otherwise, please quote me and I'll apologise. I don't disagree with any of that, with the exception of why does it have to be either or?

The issue isn't that the person is a refugee. Their vulnerability doesn't make them more of a risk to the young child but the young child doesn't have a voice and relies on the adults around it to protect it.

The adult's vulnerable position doesn't negate any potential risk they pose to the child. The OP has conducted their own risk assessment of the situation and has drawn the conclusion that it is not appropriate to allow the child to stay overnight in a house with a stranger when the child will be in a room on its own and not close enough to the grandparents' room to be heard unless they are "bawling". I think this is the correct conclusion.

As I've said, I've been the position of an unknown adult moving into the house where one of my children was previously staying overnight occasionally. I also decided it was inappropriate and that was a very unpopular decision at the time. Yet, it later transpired that it was exactly the right decision to make for all the reasons it would be the right decision to make.

The OP isn't saying that the stranger would do something but that is what risk assessments are all about - identifying possible risks and mitigating against them.

Cherries101 · 02/01/2019 11:17

The refugee / stranger part is irrelevant. YOUR PARENTS are not fit to care for a child. Why on earth have you been sending your DD to them in the first place?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread