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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Grandparents taking in refugee

107 replies

LittleMissQuick · 01/01/2019 22:35

As of this week my parents in law have taken in a refugee (through a charity but there vetting process is not great tbh) into their home. However me and my partner are now very uncomfortable about leaving our 19 month old over night. In the day she is never left alone but she sleeps in her own room at night and this is what bothers us. We feel this leaves our baby really vulnerable because they have a large house, don't use monitors and rely on hearing her in the mornings (which we tested this past weekend when we stayed, they dont hear her till she is full balling - another thing we're not happy with now). We are now in the position of telling them they cant have her overnight without us, but we dont want this to stop them offering out there space rooms. But it's a complete stranger we know nothing about and we wouldn't be there. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Clionba · 01/01/2019 23:24

I think it's normally spelt "bawling" but that could be a local dialect variant spelling.

Smidge001 · 01/01/2019 23:24

Yes, I think it was just a spelling mistake. Bawling.

On a side note, I use the term balling when I refer to pairing up my socks after a wash and putting them into balls Grin

brizzledrizzle · 01/01/2019 23:25

YANBU. There is absolutely no way a child of mine would be staying in a house with strangers regardless of whether they were refugees or not if I wasn't there and sharing a room with my child.

ReaganSomerset · 01/01/2019 23:25

Sorry, cross post. Still want to know about that song though.

TwigTheWonderKid · 01/01/2019 23:31

Surely it's not an issue because presumably you won't be allowing your child to sleep at your PIL's without your there if they are not looking after her properly?.

wobblebot · 01/01/2019 23:31

@ReaganSomerset have you not seen the tv series Ballers with the rock?

A thug that has "made it" to the big time. Originally refered ball players that made it out of the streets to make millions as a pro ball player, but now is used to describe any thug that is living large.

Original poster
LittleMissQuick · 01/01/2019 23:33

Yes, it was a spelling mistake lol I'd blame it on tiredness but I'm hopeless at spelling on a good day!
Thanks for all the replies, fingers crossed they understand and are happy to just day visits not weekend ones unless we stay too.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/01/2019 23:34

Bawling= crying
Refugee is indeed a red herring.issue is the adult is a stranger,that carries some risk
Regard the acoustics and gp hearing the baby,you must all agree a strategy.clearly the just listening isn’t working. They miss her initial crying til she’s distressed. Can you buy them visual and audio baby monitor? I’d presume they’d chose a visual and audio baby monitor over no over night stays

MammonRouge · 01/01/2019 23:35

Yanbu, no way would I.

ReaganSomerset · 01/01/2019 23:36

@wobblebot Thanks, I haven't seen it. Smile

Owwlie · 01/01/2019 23:36

If you agreed to it provided they shared a room with her could you guarantee they would do that OP? I know if it was my parents or inlaws they would likely agree beforehaand and then afterwards tell me they couldn't for some reason. I wouldn't really want to risk it. It's not that it's a refugee, just that it's a complete stranger.

Although, admittedly there is the added risk with it being a refugee, in not knowing their background. Someone said earlier that they will have been vetted but I work with children (in a social care capacity) and had one 'child' refugee, placed as a 13 year old who later turned out to be 19. Obviously a massive safeguarding risk given they were with other children their age and attending school.

wobblebot · 01/01/2019 23:37

@ReaganSomerset no problem. I recommend it though, it's funny!

MissionItsPossible · 01/01/2019 23:37

@ReaganSomerset

Though I would like to know what baller means in that song. You know, 'I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller..'

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a (basket)baller..

footballmum · 01/01/2019 23:38

I’d love to know whether the posters saying the OP shouldn’t leave her child at the GPs are the same ones who were on the thread the other night insisting that it is inhumane to turn away asylum seekers and that they’d open their homes to them Hmm

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 01/01/2019 23:39

Maybe when they don't have sole charge of her they sleep more deeply. I know I can certainly relax better if I know I don't have to be on alert for kids waking during the night...

I wouldn't be comfortable with a stranger potentially having access to her overnight though.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2019 23:48

There being a stranger in the house overnight - YADNBU
Them not hearing her unless she is full on bawling - YADNBU

There is no way my inlaws would have the kids overnight with any strangers in the house.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2019 23:50

I'd feel exactly the same if it was a UK national lodger. It's not that they are a refugee.

Letsmoveondude · 01/01/2019 23:50

nope not being unreasonable at all... i wouldnt allow it either.

Justaboy · 01/01/2019 23:52

Well what a kind thing your PIL's have done. Perhaps when more is known of this person then you can see how it all might go.

Course said person is an unknown, any idea where they are from at all and what regime have they been living under perhaps then you can make a more informed decision?

ReaganSomerset · 01/01/2019 23:56

@Justaboy

How would knowing their home country and regime help make OP feel better or more informed about the situation? Child molesters and murderers live in every country and under every regime on the planet.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2019 23:57

Justaboy "Well what a kind thing your PIL's have done."

It is a very kind thing they are doing, without a doubt.

"Perhaps when more is known of this person then you can see how it all might go.

Course said person is an unknown, any idea where they are from at all and what regime have they been living under perhaps then you can make a more informed decision?"

It's unlikely that the person would willingly reveal that they are not safe to be around kids, and I doubt there would be any kind of further checks etc. So personally I would not consider leaving my child overnight in a house with someone who I did not know at all and when I was not there. I think theOP is being sensible.

I'd feel the same if this were a UK person. It's not about them being a refugee.

tempester28 · 02/01/2019 00:02

I would meet the person first before making any judgement?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 02/01/2019 00:03

what an asinine and ill informed post justaboy,the adult won’t come with a DBS and case notes
When More is known..such as?unlikely there is a full screening and vetting from country of origin
DBS etc is flawed in that it only flags those known to statutory agencies.
Essentially it’s an adult stranger,my response would be the same refugee or not,I’d be cautious and mindful of risk

Justaboy · 02/01/2019 00:03

Child molesters and murderers live in every country and under every regime on the planet.

Yes of couse they do!

It's unlikely that the person would willingly reveal that they are not safe to be around kids, and I doubt there would be any kind of further checks etc

Indeed thay might not reval anythig but the same can be said of any human person from anywhere in the world even a lodger or relative even so more needs to be known about them!.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2019 00:07

"Indeed thay might not reval anythig but the same can be said of any human person from anywhere in the world even a lodger or relative even so more needs to be known about them!"

Which is why my kids have not spent a night away from me with any people I do not trust. They've been on school trips organised by schools and children's associations with people who have been DBS checked, but not as babies. They have stayed with my sister and in laws. But if my sister or in laws said we have got a new lodger who we know nothing about, I'd not being leaving my kids in their care overnight.

I must add as the kids get older, I am more open to sleep overs etc and DD has had lots of sleep overs. But with a small baby or toddler I'd just not leave them in a house with strangers unless they were sleeping in a room with me.

To me it's basic common sense.