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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Grandparents taking in refugee

107 replies

LittleMissQuick · 01/01/2019 22:35

As of this week my parents in law have taken in a refugee (through a charity but there vetting process is not great tbh) into their home. However me and my partner are now very uncomfortable about leaving our 19 month old over night. In the day she is never left alone but she sleeps in her own room at night and this is what bothers us. We feel this leaves our baby really vulnerable because they have a large house, don't use monitors and rely on hearing her in the mornings (which we tested this past weekend when we stayed, they dont hear her till she is full balling - another thing we're not happy with now). We are now in the position of telling them they cant have her overnight without us, but we dont want this to stop them offering out there space rooms. But it's a complete stranger we know nothing about and we wouldn't be there. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Orlande · 01/01/2019 22:49

It's fine not to send your 1 year old for sleepovers, most children that age aren't staying the night away from home.

Reflexella · 01/01/2019 22:49

Refugee is a red herring.

It’s a stranger. No I would not let my child stay in a house with a stranger without my direct supervision.

YANBU

KarinandtheSeaUrchins · 01/01/2019 22:49

As Fraula says, the fact that the person is a refugee isn't the issue here - it's the fact that it's someone the family doesn't yet know well.

What would be your approach if your PIL had taken in a lodger? This is basically the same. In your situation (which I could potentially be in fact), I'd ask that they used a baby monitor, and then I'd make sure we all spent some time together so that your baby gets to know the new person in the home. Tbh I'd be insisting on baby monitors anyway, but that's just me. At 19 months I think the most likely thing that could happen (and even this is unlikely) is that the baby could get up in the night and wander into the wrong room. Which is why baby monitors and getting to know the new person are good options so your baby doesn't get a shock if they are confronted with a stranger.

What are your concerns about the vetting process? Do your PIL share them? That would be something to discuss with them if you haven't already...

Hope it all goes well!

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/01/2019 22:52

I agree with Karina

Clionba · 01/01/2019 22:53

Don't do it. Too risky.
YANBU.

Aridane · 01/01/2019 22:54

Your grandparents sound amazing

Aridane · 01/01/2019 22:55

Inspirational

Pachyderm1 · 01/01/2019 22:56

I wouldn’t leave her there if they aren’t hearing her cry regardless of anyone else being there Tbh.

cariadlet · 01/01/2019 22:57

I can understand you feeling uncomfortable about your dd staying with her grandparents when there is a stranger in the house. He/she is probably a perfectly nice person but you don't know them. YNBU for feeling anxious.

YBU in the title for your post and some of the phrasing that you used in your OP. The implication is that this person that you don't know poses more of a risk to you child simply because they are a refugee. Refugee status is only awarded in the UK to somebody who is deemed to have a well-founded fear of persecution and would be at risk if they were returned to their home country. It isn't easily obtained. It's a fantastic thing that your parents are doing.

ReaganSomerset · 01/01/2019 22:58

No, yanbu. Don't let them have your child overnight. (Or during the day if left unattended).

Original poster
LittleMissQuick · 01/01/2019 22:58

Thanks for the replys!
I mentioned the refugee status because they regulary have her (we lived with them for 10 months) and I don't want it too sound like an ultimatum to them because I think its great opening up there home. But its like most people said its a stranger.
The not hearing thing we only found out this weekend - so much for "she sleeps through till 8;30 with us"! This has shaken our faith in them tbh.
Our issue is they can't monitor her at night and this is what leaves her vulnerable. In the day she'd never be left alone.
Thankyou, its hard because she has a great relationship with them and I don't want to offend/put them off helping others. We'll have a conversation with them and hope they understand :)

OP posts:
TacoLover · 01/01/2019 22:58

Nothing to do with the fact that they are a refugee. It's the fact that they're a stranger.

SirVixofVixHall · 01/01/2019 23:02

The leaving her cry, and the fact she is still so little, would make it a no from me anyway. The unknown man would simply cement that. Even if it was a woman, the first two things would rule it out.

RaininSummer · 01/01/2019 23:02

Don't blame you at all. If your gp were fostering or something everybody in the house would at least need a dbs check for what they're worth, but nothing needed to look after your baby. Not worth risk just in case. A stranger is a stranger.

MyDcAreMarvel · 01/01/2019 23:05

Why can’t she sleep in a travel cot in their room?

Original poster
LittleMissQuick · 01/01/2019 23:10

Good idea but they won't room share, they didn't with there's and wont with her. Which untill now has been fine because she slept in her own room since 6 months. It may be worth offering that as a compromise, she sleeps in a toddler bed but I'm pretty sure she would still sleep in a travel cot. Thanks!

OP posts:
FenellasRedVelvetDress · 01/01/2019 23:11

No way would I .
Not a cat in hells chance would I leave my baby in a house with a stranger .

StoppinBy · 01/01/2019 23:11

I haven't read the other replies but it is a great big HELL NO! from me, no way, no how, never never never would I be leaving my child in this situation.

Complete stranger, where they came from is irrelevant to me in this situation, they could have lived three streets over from me their whole lives and still be a stranger, no way would I be leaving my child in that situation.

YANBU one little bit.

ShartOfGold · 01/01/2019 23:14

Is there a reason your child needs to be having sleepovers at that age?
Are they providing childcare while you're at work or something?

DavedeeDozyBeakyMickandTich · 01/01/2019 23:16

Not at all unreasonable, no one wants their child staying overnight with a stranger in the house but the not hearing her cry out would of been the first deal breaker for me personally. They should understand. Not having her overnight won't effect their bond, there's no quality time spent when the child is asleep in another room. They can just have her in the day.

DeepanKrispanEven · 01/01/2019 23:17

What on earth is balling?

jessstan2 · 01/01/2019 23:21

I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my baby in a house where an unknown person could be wandering around at night. So if I was you, I wouldn't leave her overnight for the time being.

It is good that the grandparents are helping someone in need though, I approve of that but believe we all have to safeguard ourselves and family. I wouldn't mistrust a refugee any more than any other person but the idea of an unknown person sleeping in my home makes me feel uncomfortable (when I was younger I wouldn't have given it a second thought, now I'm more cautioous).

If you explain how you feel, I'm sure your in laws will understand. I don't know if their visitor is a short or a long term guest but if they find themselves on their own again fairly soon, I'd insist on a baby monitor because they can't hear your little one until she is really crying, that's not satisfactory.

Original poster
LittleMissQuick · 01/01/2019 23:22

DeepanKrispanEven Sorry Balling is slang for Crying loudly. Might be a uk/northern term?

OP posts:
SalmonLeBon · 01/01/2019 23:22

Balling= Bawling

As in howling, wailing, screaming.

ReaganSomerset · 01/01/2019 23:24

@DeepanKrispanEven

I presume they meant bawling. As in loudly screaming/crying.

Though I would like to know what baller means in that song. You know, 'I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller..' Confused

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