Food addiction ruining my life

[EatingIssue]

My eating is out of control. I tipped the scales at 20st today. I suffer with stomach problems and even eat through insufferable pain and eat things that will have a dreadful effect on me and make me violently ill. The. I will eat it again. There are wrappers all around my bed shoved down the sides, hidden in my glove box. My knees hurt and I don’t recognize myself to the point it’s actually frightening and upsetting sometimes catching the reflection of the real me. Not to mention having nothing in the way of a life as I have pushed everyone away from me because of my embarrassment. I almost wish it was drug addiction because it’s less taboo and there seems to be help. I have no access to healthcare for this, be it therapy or weight loss surgery which I wouldn’t do anyway as I would just eat my way back to this as it’s obvious a deeper internal issue I’m guessing due to the compulsiveness of it and how I know I’m ruining my life and body but can’t stop.

As I don’t have access to healthcare can anyone please advice me how I can beat this myself? I get bursts of hope that I might one day get out if this hole so I don’t feel like a total lost cause. It goes back to my childhood, secret eating but at various stages of my life I’ve kept a semi normal weight. I’ve had long spells where I’ve been relatively normal but I don’t know where to start or how to get any semblance of normal back.
I would really appreciate any input at all. Thank you.

Aw WhyDontYouComeOnOver I felt exactly like that. I was lying in bed as all the supportive messages rolled in when I first posted but I was cringing that I was making people waste their own time because I “knew” I wouldn’t change. Then I started reading more and pumping myself up a little. Writing mini “to do” lists for each day with three or four teeny mini goals for the day. I failed entirely my first day but rather than binge I was busy reading about other people the same as me. If you want to PM me I can add you to the Facebook group? There’s currently only me! I hadn’t gotten around to reply to the people who PMed me about it but it would be handy for the future when this thread quietly goes away?

buckeejit I love your name! I was the same, I had to give up drinking because it had gotten out of hand. You’ll feel so so good after a while and there’s a great community on instagram and a few great books that helped me massively! The a Unexpected Joy of Being Sober is up there with a life changing read. If only she’d wrote one for binge eating!

names if I said what I had eaten the past few days that would sound dreadful too but I’m looking at it like phew at least it wasn’t the sack full of stuff I had been having before and then following it up with more because I “had ruined it”
I think it’s great that you’ve swerved the doughnuts and are breaking that habit! Well done!

I don't know about op but i am learning so much from this thread. It is really helpful.

Glad you treated yourself to new clothes op.

My update on going food shopping is I finally managed to come out with a small choc bar and no binge food.

I've done 32 days now binge free. In that time I've never felt such emotional pain and fear but you have to keep going through it right. I'm sure I got sick from my body detoxing from thousands of calories a day. I spent xmas alone and crying for a week in utter dispair.

I've been living out the freezer for meals and my mum has bought round a few times meat and vedge. My first two attemps to the food shop amoungst this ended awfully; not binging but eating too much. I had to stop going altogether. Then I attempted it again. Ended semi badly. Today first time I did ok. Still only going when I really need something. But there was xmas biscuit tins and my favourite choc and chocolate tins going cheap and I didn't buy it. It's a physical pain leaving it behind but we can do this. Don't have to go for another week now. Got meat, vedge, fruit and bread plus freezer things.

Marcie, a huge well done. You have probably been through the hardest bit, getting that ball rolling. As you are finding, it is now simply keeping it rolling which will get easier and easier as your ‘ball’ gathers momentum until it is little effort a few months down the line.

The only word of caution, don’t get complacent when it gets too effortless as it is only too easy being thrown back. Literally one piece of cake or a few biscuits and the hunger is back.

What you have been experiencing are withdrawal symptoms. They aren’t too dissimilar for drug addicts going cold turkey. Be aware of this, knowledge is power. It is not because you are doing some sort of harm to your body, it is because you are not giving it the fix it has grown to expect. A fix which will make you feel great for a very short while but will ruin you long term, sure as rain.

Big high five, keep going! You are well on the way to feel amazing. And liberated 🌹

Could you try changing something in your life that gives you the opportunity to over eat? For example working from home. If you worked in an office or with other people it would be harder to massively overeat between 9:00 and 5:00.
I also heard about a really big guy and he gave himself the rule to walk to the shop to buy food. Can't remember if he sold his car. Anyway the point is he made it more time consuming to buy and therefore eat food. It worked for him.
Good luck. I hope you crack this problem.

I'll add my tuppence worth, having not read the full thread.
I struggle with a different addiction (actually a few).
I set myself a limit.

For one of my addictions, for me, it was, not drinking until after 5pm.
I signed up to an addiction unit. I'd go there. I knew that was time spent travelling and being there that I would ordinarily be drinking. I'd make myself go for at the very least a 20 minute walk (start off, with setting your timer for 5 minutes walking, then walk back) and you've done 10 minutes walking! Bring it up a minute ever day.
You're at an advantage in a small way here, as because you are so overweight, the weight will literally fall off you. And it will give you energy to do the same tomorrow.
So, weigh yourself precisely now. Tell us if you want. Or not, if it's too personal.
Set a goal. I want to walk for 10 minutes as briskly as I can.
Another gift that nobody knows about is completely cutting out salt.

1. You retain fluid
2. It makes food very tasty so you want more

So say that you're not going to have anything salty tomorrow (just aim for one day. Or even half the day and see how you go).

Slowly slowly, the scales might to shift for you miss! And once you find yourself losing and getting fitter and faster and able to walk for longer, you can consider things like Pilates in a couple of weeks if you're not too shy.

I wish you the best of luck!

Ok, I should have read the full thread before posting as you're already miles ahead of what I posted! Well done you!

Well done, OP and congratulations to WhataLump too.

This eating thing really isn't easy. I've been much heavier than I am now but it's only keeping a really tight and often unreasonable grip on myself that I don't go right back to where I was. I'm quite sure that's not healthy.

I used to smoke too - Allan Carr worked for me but his book on losing weight didn't hit the same spot.

Thanks to everyone who's shared book recommendations and video links, I've saved them to peruse.

Keep going, OP, you've started a mini revolution. :)

Maybe a daft suggestion, but would a private FB group be a good idea?
I’ve no idea how this would work security-wise, but a safe space to support each other might be good.

*millionscarlettroses thank you. I completely agree. I am treating it like alcohol addiction, and even one binge is not an option. I can't do once.

*kayakingmum. I don't drive and every day I would walk to the shop to buy food. It was the only way I cut it down to one binge a day! I'd buy it all and eat it all. What I found is it became my only reason to go for a walk and the shopping itself was a huge part of my life. I think going to the shop only when necessary is great. Obviously walking for the sake of walking is good but without the shop as a destination and food shopping being another aspect of it giving you a purpose when you should look elsewhere.

The wheels came off spectacularly and I was a bit embarrassed to come back plus I had so wanted to address each and every one who’s posted, so inevitably put it off!)

Then decided oh, Monday is best day to start making changes so have been on a safari of eating, covering all bases. The “favorite” ice cream, the “best” carvery, the “last supper” etc etc.

I seem to like to think I’m doing something by writing lists and goals, buying things to help, reading books about it and message boards. That’s as far as I get.
I just can’t continue like this. I was so full of hope just the other day and now all the awful self talk and hopelessness has come back and brought friends, almost a a punishment for dating to think I could change at all.

I realize this all sounds very teenage angsty, that’s exactly how it feels!

Agh!

Those of you who have overcome this, where do you start? I’m torn between making big huge drastic changes or smaller ones. I seem to fail either way though so maybe I’d be spurred on by the results of drastic changes?

The list writing and looking for others’ success stories is a distraction OP.

By doing this you can imagine yourself succeeding and think away the problem. But then you have to return to face the task, which is really hard, and really slow, and it is so very easy to make one little slip up and throw in the towel, or simple think to yourself “what’s the point. I may as well eat the ice cream”.
Don’t hate yourself for this. Don’t discount how brave you are being for trying to beat it. You said yourself- this is an addiction! You are not being ‘too kind’ to yourself by eating unhealthy food, you could almost think of it as a kind of self -harm. It is a consequence of you not caring sufficiently about yourself.

This is why you need to remind yourself of why you are a great person! You are a great person NOW, every last kilogram . You don’t have to lose the weight to be worthy. You are already worthy. That is why you are going to fight the fight and fly your own flag and be your own number one soldier in the war to lose this weight, because you are a bloody fantastic woman and you deserve to be happy and healthy!
What was the last kind thing you said?
Who was the last person you smiled at?
When was the last time a sympathetic throught went through your mind?
Name somebody who you have made a difference to.

You are amazing!

Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it it the courage to continue that counts (Churchill)

Oh Nemo you’ve reduced me to tears.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and insightful post.

I don’t recognize myself when I’m in this “zone”, head down, no eye contact. When I’m feeling normal I’m cheery and love chatting. I think I’ve been avoiding this thread on purpose in some ways, like you say, because I don’t want to face it.
Oh the amount of “plans” and one page filled jotters of “the latest plan of action”

Just came back from the shop and as I was stuffing my bag with a ridiculous amount of rubbish, the man said “have a good night” and a wave of self loathing just washed over me!

You speak so much sense, thanks so much again

Nemo's post sums it up really, I think. You've had great advice on this thread and I've learned a lost myself too.

It's really easy to treat weight loss as "Tomorrow and from then on, I'm going to be spot on, perfect" - and then up until that point, actively cram in as much as you can because today is not the day to be perfect. You have an arbitrary 'starting gun' in your head and until it goes off, you are just preparing. But, we're not perfect. We fall and falter... and actually, that's ok. It doesn't mean we've failed, just that we chose differently for that day.

It's a job that will never be 'done' as such because we're living, breathing, being-machines. Every day is about being and moving. What we eat should reflect what we need to do that. Some days might be more 'hungry' days and some days are more 'take it or leave it' days. It all balances out really, if we can hold off gaining mindlessly.

That last point for me is about Wotsits. I had a terrible and uncontrollable Mini Cheddars habit. I couldn't be around them, could easily polish off a bag of 12 packs in one day. I would then think, "Shit, that's awful. That's 1200 calories in one go, all that fat, all that salt..." and then not eat anything else all day, leaving my body dehydrated and craving proper food. The best thing I could have done is write that off, have a bowl of soup or boiled egg/omelette, something with nutrition in it. Yet my guilt made me forego the nutrition for that day and punish myself chock full of Mini Cheddars.

I then made a decision to stop eating Mini Cheddars - and it worked. Never touched one since. I did though switch to Wotsits and those are even worse. I have no control over those cheese-dust little fuckers. I don't have them in the house, it's that bad.

I have a house full of chocolate as husband eats loads of it. I don't touch it, don't like it so not an issue for me.

Many of us have struggles with food, different things trigger us and different things help. For me, my 'best' foods are these:

• Scrambled eggs
• Yorkshire Provender Roast Chicken Soup
• Yorkshire Provender Spinach, Pea and Mint Soup

Those fill me up, every time. I keep those soups in the fridge, even freeze them and they're delicious and filling. I tell myself I can have something else after if I want, but I don't feel like it then, I have a whole pot to myself as nobody else likes them.

Best tips from my cock-ups would be:

• Steer clear of sugars if you can and that includes artificial sugars.
• Plan what you're going to eat for the day, put it all in a drawer in the fridge just for you if it gives you comfort.
• Full fat yoghurts are more satisfying than 'low fat/fake sugar' versions that leave you wanting something else.
• Fruit is a waste of time for me, I don't have a sweet tooth. I will eat satsumas or the occasional banana but mostly it's vegetables. I like most of them and don't bother eating the ones I don't.
• I won't eat donuts (because I don't love them) BUT I will eat a croissant now and again because I do. I won't waste my calories on something (a treat) that I don't really love and actively choose.

I really agree with what Nemo said about distractions... these activities are fine in and of themselves but if they take too much attention away from what you're wanting to be doing then they're not helpful.

You are not, ever, a failure. You're living and breathing and that is what you were made to do. Everything else is supporting that, supporting you, not the other way around. Your weight/height is what you are, it doesn't define who you are though.

I hope that reading of other posters' experiences makes you feel a bit less alone. I certainly relate to so many things that you've said OP, and what others have said too. You're not alone.

Hi OP, I wasn’t going to post on this thread, but I changed my mind. I have struggled with a lifetime of eating issues. I have managed, at times, to be a very healthy and slim size 10, other times, like now, I am miles and miles and miles off that and need to lose a very significant amount of weight.

One analogy that I try to remember is, if you spilt a tiny bit of red wine on a white shirt, what would you do? Keep on pouring it on, thinking ‘it’s ruined now anyway I might as well keep pouring’ or stop immediately and think ‘how am I going to get that out?’. Obviously the latter and I’m trying to apply this to food too.

I know it’s not for everyone, but weight watchers is the only thing that works for me, as in, when I do it and focus, and keep my head in it, I lose a lot of weight and maintain it.

When I have a bad time, or use food as comfort, or just think I can’t be bothered, I gain huge amounts very quickly.

I restarted WW online on 2nd January after a terrible food year in 2018 which has seen my pile on the weight to be my heaviest ever, but I am DETERMINED to do this. Good luck.

Hi Op,

Not be intrusive but what investigations have you had? I asked because someone I know was like you, same weight randge and she really couldn't afford it either, but she always wanted to eat and had stomacj pains. The she had swallowing issues and explosive d & v episodes. So the Drs referred her for tests and found that she has microscopic collitis. Gave her some tablets to help heal that and her appetite has self regulated and she has lost over 5 stone in 7 months! So it might be worth trying to see the Dr if you can, I'd ask CAB for help re access. Just to rule anything underlying out.

x-posted with you OP. That "Have a good night" was just a pleasantry, I'm sure. You're putting it through a personal filter of shame, that's all. See it for what it is.

If you really like and want to eat those things that you've bought, could you perhaps put them into small bags of portions, one for each day? You can eat one then if you feel like it - or not if you don't feel like it. You get to have control of that. I find that this works for me but not with Wotsits.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

You and Nemo should be motivational speakers!
Incredible advice. It’s so true I know I’m viewing the whole “journey” wrong and pushing it off. “I’ll be happy then”, “I’ll become the person I want to be then” etc.

I created that fb group but was awol when people were expressing interest. If anyone wants in but doesn’t want to out themself to me, even just name change and PM me your Facebook name so I can add you then add you to the group (obviously feel free to delete me afterwards but as it’s a secret group there’s no other way)

Honestly thank you all so so much!

Nemo, I agree completely. It is s process, a very long game. OP, please go on YouTube to Butter Bob Briggs channel. He is a former morbidly obese person who is now normal weight and has been for the last 2 years. He explains brilliantly why you are feeling so hungry, why you experience such a strong drive towards carby food. It is not due to your lack of willpower or ‘dubious moral strength’, it is high insulin levels in the body. Your body is literally starving as it can’t get nutrients (glucose) into the cells due to loss of sensitivity to insulin as it’s so high always. So because the cells are starving, your body will ramp up your appetite, especially for something which can be easily converted to glucose the cells need, i.e. sweets, chocolates, bread, ice cream. But it is a road nowhere, as these foods elicit a sharp increase in insulin production and make you even less sensitive to it. Please please educate yourself, you will realise it is how your body works and stop blaming yourself, but rather work with what you have got and do what is good for YOU.

You can control your appetite, it will happen when your body finally does get access to your fat stores as levels of insulin fall. There are two ways to unlock the fat stores/lower insulin - low carb and fasting. The latter is superior to the former. Carbs are not your friend, your body can’t handle them. Work on reducing then to the point if hardly any and none of the refined sort. They are making you ill, give them a wide berth.

It can be done. People have completely reversed their type two diabetes fasting and cutting refined carbs out. Scientifically proven by medical research.

It’s not gonna happen overnight, it will be at least s couple of years of persistent effort. But once you start seeing the results, it will spur you on.

Don’t get locked in a self-blaming vicious circle. It’s no good. Onwards and upwards, slip ups and set backs will happen, but what matters is your commitment to stay on the journey.

One analogy that I try to remember is, if you spilt a tiny bit of red wine on a white shirt, what would you do? Keep on pouring it on, thinking ‘it’s ruined now anyway I might as well keep pouring’ or stop immediately and think ‘how am I going to get that out?’. Obviously the latter and I’m trying to apply this to food too.

This is brilliant! And so true!
Thanks so much for posting and I wish you the very best of luck with WW!

As someone struggling, you really need to be fucking kick ass bad ass no shit tolerated no taking this shit anymore ass bad.
You will go through hours. And fucking hours. So you need to kick your sad ass out to the poundshop. You need to clean your house to an inch of its life. You need to wash yourself, groom yourself, do your nails, your tan, your hair, your makeup. But the main thing you gotta do, is get walking. It will actually make you hungry. Put no salt on your food (it's no longer appetising). Think about how bloody much you want this! How much do you want this?

Look at someone who you admire. Do they guzzle all day? Do they exercise when they might not want to? Do they struggle too? Being a woman is a struggle. You just need to decide which size you want to be for that struggle.

.

Op I totally understand. Am only starting out so with you.

I have been through the nhs eating disorders unit. It didn't help. It may seem controversial but it's such a physical addiction. Obviously overcoming self hatred is paramount but thinking of reasons to change and reading never worked for me. I'd still eat.

Your whole body is yelling you to eat. Your fat stores are releasing appetite hormones way higher than the average person. Your body doesn't understand full as your stomach is streched. Sugar is a dependency, releasing endorphins and mucking up cortisol levels. All your hormones are against you.

Don't even attempt the food shop. Can you buy healthy foods online? A bit like drug rehab but that's unavailable to us. Addicts in rehab have to withdraw and it can take months. I think then therapy can truly work.

Company is a great distraction. Do you live alone? I'm lonely and know this does not help.

Can you concentrate on one day? Don't go to the shop. Ban anything that is addictive or manmade like cereal or choc. Eat every three hours mabey of something filling? Set a timer. I have to have a big breakfast.

You don't have to reply by the way. That's why I hardly start threads as it's too long to reply. You can just use this thread only if you want to air your thoughts.