AIBU or was this just bad manners.

[Purrrcat]

Need your help with this. I have been trying to work this out for days. If IBU I will fully accept it.

I am in a long distance relationship and my partner came up during the festive period to spend some time. Whilst he was here I got a message from his adult daughter asking if she could spend some time at my house after new year as she needed a break. I said no issue but just let me know when you plan to arrive as I have a few things on and need to make sure we are home for your arrival.

No problems. Didn't hear anything but didn't expect to as she said after new year.

Well Friday my parter said to me "Have you heard from my DD?" I said no but I said to her to let me know when she was arriving so no issue.

For background, I had been lying in bed most of the day trying to throw off a stomach bug. Also just for info, I had spent many years in an abusive relationship, so allowing people into my home is a big thing for me.
Also, the last time she stayed she invited a guy back and they lay in my spare room until teatime.

Anyway, next thing he is on the phone to his DD and I hear parts of the conversation with him arranging for her to come up that day. I tried to interrupt to ask what was happening but he brushed it away. When the call finished he said. Ah it's cool. She will be arriving in a few hours.

I had a go at him because A - I had expected her after new year and asked her to give me notice. B - He had arranged with her without consulting me. C - I was lying ill in bed at the time and in no state for guests.

He subsequently packed his bag and walked out telling me I was in the wrong because in his family everybody is welcome without notice.

AIBU? or was it just manners to ask me, since it is my house.

I don’t think either of you are necessarily BU. Some people are very relaxed about guests, their house is permanently open, they don’t need warning about visits and everyone is welcome anytime. Other people prefer firm arrangements in advance, want to know what is happening when and don’t like surprise visitors.

The two of you need to talk more about your respective needs when it comes to guests and find a better compromise.

Thanks for your reply. But I had already communicated that I wanted notice.

I'd be locking the door after him tbh.

He was rude if you think it was rude- your opinion counts.

He obviously wants the kind of relationship where the door is always open. You do not. So year as has already been said upthread, bolt the door behind him.

How long have you been together and how well do you know the daughter?

We have been together a year and a half and I have met her maybe five times. His children are all grown up and only one still lives at home (Son)

I don’t think it was that terrible of him. You had said it was fine for her to visit. You said there was no issue to her arriving.

He shouldn’t have just walked out though.

Based on your OP I think YW a bit U. You didn't say how much notice you wanted (unless I missed it somewhere!) and for many people a few hours would seem reasonable after that conversation. She is not to know of your issues and you had extended her an invitation and sounds like she has also been having some issues. She wasn't to know there were conditions attached, and may have assumed that talking to your OH was equal to arranging it with you. If anything your OH was the rude one for shushing you away and you shouldn't feel like a partner is trying to shut you up or minimizing how you feel. I am totally understand why this was stressful for you but I can see how this situation arose.

I think he was BU and was rude. Regardless of the length of time you’ve been together, it is your house and you were unwell at the time. He should have checked with you first before calling his DD. He is not being very considerate of your feelings.

What happened about the DD? Did she ever turn up?

Well she phoned ahead so she did ‘give notice’, she didn’t just turn up.
YABU

Well you’d also said it was OK for her to come and he did give you a few hours notice. He does have a point that family don’t need to be as formal and organized in their visits as friends.

I think calling ahead was giving notice, therefore I think YABU. That said, if he's walked out, I'd be locking the door behind him.

No, it’s your place so I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. He sounds like a knob.

Thanks for the opinions. She only called after he text her to ask what was happening and as she had said it would be after new year I definitely wasn't expecting her before.

It sounds to me like you were displaying the degree of control you have but that it was the wrong time to do this.

But it is after new year?

Cantwaittoretire. She went to stay with her uncle who is nearby. He is there also

Mrs Robinson. Yes. But this happened on Friday

It’s hard because everyone is different. I’m the type that my door is always open to all including the strays. As long as everyone doesn’t mind bunching up together! But I also appreciate that this causes extreme anxiety for others. I think this was a bit of 6 of one and half a dozen of the other to be honest. I can see both your points of view.

Does he actually live with you, OP, as you say it's a long distance relationship?

He was very rude to invite someone to your home.

I really think you should let the twat go.

As she invited a bloke back last time she was a guest, she wouldn't have been welcome again in my home. And I'd have had words at the time with my long term partner.

Red flag op. These aren't respectful, nice people. Get rid.

I think he and she sound a bit entitled tbh.

You were ill and he made plans without consulting you, for your home, then stropped off??

Yabu. He was being rude.

Consolidate. No he doesn't. And as he knows that I spent a long time being told what to do and how hard I fought to get my own space. Then this hurt a lot

Well known mumsnet saying.
“Your house your rules.”