AIBU or was this just bad manners.

[Purrrcat]

Need your help with this. I have been trying to work this out for days. If IBU I will fully accept it.

I am in a long distance relationship and my partner came up during the festive period to spend some time. Whilst he was here I got a message from his adult daughter asking if she could spend some time at my house after new year as she needed a break. I said no issue but just let me know when you plan to arrive as I have a few things on and need to make sure we are home for your arrival.

No problems. Didn't hear anything but didn't expect to as she said after new year.

Well Friday my parter said to me "Have you heard from my DD?" I said no but I said to her to let me know when she was arriving so no issue.

For background, I had been lying in bed most of the day trying to throw off a stomach bug. Also just for info, I had spent many years in an abusive relationship, so allowing people into my home is a big thing for me.
Also, the last time she stayed she invited a guy back and they lay in my spare room until teatime.

Anyway, next thing he is on the phone to his DD and I hear parts of the conversation with him arranging for her to come up that day. I tried to interrupt to ask what was happening but he brushed it away. When the call finished he said. Ah it's cool. She will be arriving in a few hours.

I had a go at him because A - I had expected her after new year and asked her to give me notice. B - He had arranged with her without consulting me. C - I was lying ill in bed at the time and in no state for guests.

He subsequently packed his bag and walked out telling me I was in the wrong because in his family everybody is welcome without notice.

AIBU? or was it just manners to ask me, since it is my house.

Being ill would be enough reason for not having anyone over.

It's far too early the relationship for him to be dictating how you run your home. You don't even share a home

but on the flip side you'd already said yes

Which she shouldn't have, given that the DD had brought a random stranger to her house last time, and spent the day shagging him. Yuck.

I would say he overreacted to op wanting to control who is coming to stay at her home.

But the key thing is he doesn't live there! And when OP tried to speak to him he brushed her away, and continued to make arrangements with his dd.

He had zero right to agree for his dd to stay that day. They're in a LD relationship, so he doesn't even spend enough at OP's to even think about making decisions on who stays in her home.

It isn't even his house, @Veterinari! He doesn't live there. His daughter used it as a shagpad last time she came.

If she called her dad she could have called the OP and asked, giving the OP the chance to say "Sorry, I'm really not well. Make it another time."

Get the locks changed, OP, and put anything of his outside.

@InsertNewYearNicknameHere Wed 02-Jan-19 16:28:42

I would say he overreacted to op wanting to control who is coming to stay at her home.

But it's her home. If she doesn't get to control who stays with her, who should? The man in her life?

I agree with you.

I think it's clear the op didn't want her there, so she should not have said yes in the first place. There is nothing to say she was shagging the guy who also stayed, maybe she was maybe she wasn't, but the op didn't want her there and should have said no.

Anyways, it seems he also knew she wasn't welcome, hence his comment that in his family everyone is welcome. The op clearly states she had a go at him, and if he'd travelled to see her and she was in bed and him sitting alone, I'm not sure I see the issue with his daughter coming over to keep him company, but I'm not the op.

Many people would take offence if they felt their child wasn't welcome in their partner's home. And it's clear he has taken offence and felt his child wasn't welcome, which rightly or wrongly, she wasn't.

So instead of agreeing in the first place, the op should have said no immediately and simply told him she didn't want his daughter in her home. Because let's face it. ShE didn't.

There is nothing to say she was shagging the guy who also stayed, maybe she was maybe she wasn't,

Yes, she brought a man back to her room and they stayed in the room all night and ll the next day but there was no shagging at all.

If your teenage son or daughter spun you that yarn would you believe it?

Mn can be a strange place.
We have threads full of posters taking offence that their child is not treated the same as their husbands child by the husband's family. Yet here we have a prime example that non blood related children are not thought of in the same light.
I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with the op btw.
Just pointing out the difference between threads.

Exactly Bluntness it’s very clear the OP dislikes the DD - otherwise why the info about her sex life? Surely either she’s welcome or she’s not, and if it’s coming across so clearly in this thread that the DD was unwelcome then I don’t blame the DP for being upset - especially if the OP threw his DD’s sex life in his face like she has on this thread.

Of course it’s the OP’s home and she has the perfect right to dictate who is and isn’t welcome there. The consequences of being unwelcoming are that you end up alone and it’s worth mentioning that in case the OP might want to take steps to address her anxiety and controlling behaviour.

Only this
I really don't need anyone in my life that can't respect my wishes
regardless of your history.

I bet he's expecting you to contact him to apologise. But I think you are well rid.

There is nothing to say she was shagging the guy who also stayed, maybe she was maybe she wasn't,

Yes, she brought a man back to her room and they stayed in the room all night and ll the next day but there was no shagging at all.

The point is it’s irelevant. If the OP was so upset by this behaviour she should never have agreed to the DD coming. But she did, and now she’s trying to use the DD’s dubious ‘morals’ to justify her own overreaction to the DD arriving a bit early.

He’s made himself a little too at home in your house OP. You are probably well rid.

Would other posters seriously end their relationships because their partners didn’t ask permission (again) for a family member to visit after it had already been pre-agreed?

Of a non-resident partner (more like long distance boyfriend of only a year and a half), who wouldn't sort out bedding, etc, and not on the agreed date, yes. The house was not his to give permission.

You don't have to dislike someone to think it's off of them bringing strangers back for the night to someone else's house.

They both disregarded the 'after new year' part of the deal, he brushed you off when he was on the phone to her, you were ill and then he stormed off because you didn't do what he wanted in your own home and has now ghosted you.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I'd put all his stuff in bin bags and stuff it in the loft or garage, change the lock barrels and consider him gone.

He is sulking waiting for you to grovel to him.

Fuck that.

So it's overreacting to not want someone in your home 3 days early when you have a stomach bug? Right

I was in the wrong because in his family everybody is welcome without notice.

That's great for him in his own home. He had no right to say what goes in yours.

You're well rid, OP.

He was rude for brushing you off when you tried to intervene when he was on the phone,and he was rude for arranging for his daughter to come when he knew you wanted more than a couple of hours notice. And he was rude for walking out on you. So no,YANBU.

OP, your DP was a guest in your home. That doesn't give him the right to invite his family to your home without your express agreement, especially as last time that guest brought a complete stranger along with her.

What an abuse of your hospitality. How very rude and inconsiderate of your feelings and what a lack of respect for your home.

I would have reacted exactly as you did. I'd also be off to B&Q as well. Sorry OP, hope you're over your stomach bug.

AYBU? Depends how the confrontation played out. Storming out is not a good sign, but maybe OP came across to him as nasty, thus warranting extreme response.
His family sound very relaxed and informal about living arrangements (mine too), OP not so much, ergo you wouldn't be very compatible for the longterm anyway.

I don't really get why he phoned his daughter instead of waiting for her to get in touch as she said she would.

Unless he's due to go back soon & this was a rare chance to see her?

Even so, he could have communicated that to Op & asked if it was OK to ask her to visit today.

As for storming out-what a twat!

It's not his home & not Op's family!!

I don't really get why he phoned his daughter instead of waiting for her to get in touch as she said she would

I would assume because it seems he travelled a long way to see the op and was sitting there on his own whilst she lay in bed all day sick.

The ‘stropping’ and ‘storming out’ are pretty much how anyone would describe an argument.

Not all arguments result in someone packing their bags and going.

I’d not be impressed either op. This is not his house. He doesn’t live there and really he should have thought about you being ill.

Can’t believe the number of posters who think the op was unfair. No she wasn’t. If I had agreed to someone coming to stay after New Year I would be pretty pissed off that bf contacted them and arranged for them to come and stay earlier, especially if I was in bed unwell. When I have visitors to stay I like to have time to prepare, change bed sheets, tidy up, do a shop etc.
This man was massively out of order and despite being aware of op’s history decided he has the right to dictate who and when he invites someone to stay! He is not sharing the op’s house, they do not live together, he has no rights, end of.
Op you do not need this man, or his family, in your life. Stop worrying about this. He was BVVU and a twat.
You were definitely not being unfair.