AIBU or was this just bad manners.

[Purrrcat]

Need your help with this. I have been trying to work this out for days. If IBU I will fully accept it.

I am in a long distance relationship and my partner came up during the festive period to spend some time. Whilst he was here I got a message from his adult daughter asking if she could spend some time at my house after new year as she needed a break. I said no issue but just let me know when you plan to arrive as I have a few things on and need to make sure we are home for your arrival.

No problems. Didn't hear anything but didn't expect to as she said after new year.

Well Friday my parter said to me "Have you heard from my DD?" I said no but I said to her to let me know when she was arriving so no issue.

For background, I had been lying in bed most of the day trying to throw off a stomach bug. Also just for info, I had spent many years in an abusive relationship, so allowing people into my home is a big thing for me.
Also, the last time she stayed she invited a guy back and they lay in my spare room until teatime.

Anyway, next thing he is on the phone to his DD and I hear parts of the conversation with him arranging for her to come up that day. I tried to interrupt to ask what was happening but he brushed it away. When the call finished he said. Ah it's cool. She will be arriving in a few hours.

I had a go at him because A - I had expected her after new year and asked her to give me notice. B - He had arranged with her without consulting me. C - I was lying ill in bed at the time and in no state for guests.

He subsequently packed his bag and walked out telling me I was in the wrong because in his family everybody is welcome without notice.

AIBU? or was it just manners to ask me, since it is my house.

He was being unreasonable imo. He doesn't live with you, therefore it is still YOUR place. He doesn't get to dictate who comes when. To me, notice is when someone gives you time to organise stuff, not just enough time to make the bed for their arrival. Rude

She knew she had to give notice but did he know that's what was arranged? If not maybe he wasn't being too unresonable but it does seem an over reaction to leave, as even if you're very social and don't mind unannounced visitors, it doesn't take a genius to work out that it's not the same for everyone especially when they're ill and don't know the visitor well

This is someone who has stayed with you before, so surely not as anxiety-provoking as someone you haven't met before. She didn't just arrive at the door (she didn't arrive at all by the sound of it) so yes, I do think you were being a little unreasonable. You'd already said it was OK for her to come if you had notice and I think the notice coming from your OH (rather than speaking directly to you) was OK.

His reaction wasn't great either, tbh.

I am with you on this one, he made arrangements without consulting you.
She sounds like a very disrespectful person, this seems to be a family trait, I think you are best out of it.

I don't think you are entirely wrong if these are issues that, for you, outweigh everything else about your partner. If they don't, there's nothing wrong with that - you are just not compatible.

I think, though, that as you explain it, she did give notice. I would not have understood that you meant both that she should only be allowed up after New Year and that she should give notice.

If my partner's daughter needed a 'break' during the festive season, I would have assumed something might be up and she might need some support, so I'd take that into consideration too. If you are not well enough for guests, I think you should have said that clearly. You cannot really give your partner instructions for how to accept guests, then say you are unwell and you're angry he accepted them! If he walked out, it might be that he's upset for his DD - isn't it possible she was struggling with something rather more than a tummy bug?

erm its your house and he didnt double check first-no its not ok

he could have whispered to you "is today ok about 5 pm " or something like that. Not put the phone down and said she's coming get over it. And as for walking out ... well, he's shown you who he is hasn't he?

He knew you weren't well and he didn't check with you.

Yes he was rude.

And childish.

The bit about she brought a man back to your house last time. Was that her boyfriend?
It sounds like she and your do take you for granted.
I would not appreciate someone making arrangements to invite someone to my house without consulting me.
You get the final say, not your dp. You do not live together.

Dishing. That's exactly what I thought. It's the walking out and I haven't hear a word since.

Sarah. It was me that had the tummy bug

If someone was coming for a short visit, a few hours notice would be fine. Anyone expecting to stay any length of time, it would be reasonable and polite to give at least a day or two days notice, especially as she invited herself. For your partner to make those arrangements, also knowing you were sick was very unreasonable. You did nothing wrong. He owes you an apology both for that and for storming out. Maybe his family is welcome without notice at his home, but he was at your home, and his daughter could hardly be considered your family. He was definitely out of order.

CurlyWurlyTwirly. No it wasn't her boyfriend. It was a 'Friend'

He was rude if you think it was rude- your opinion counts

^ this

She discussed it with you and said she was coming after new year and you were fine with that. Your BF, who is a visitor at your house, then tells her she can come several days early without speaking to you about it. YANBU.

YANBU
Who does he think he is inviting anyone to stay when it's not even his bloody house!
Cheek of it!

Your house. Your lovely agreement she couldnstay. Your very reasonable request she give you notice. What on Earth was he doing making an arrangement with her? I kind of see as you had said ‘I’ve asked her for notice’ he may have thought a couple of hours was sufficient but he shouldn’t have and/or should have checked with you before hanging up phone. Also as you were unwellnits just insensitive to land anyone on you! Think this was wrong of him and YANBU.

TBH I'd have said No to her staying because of the previous abuse of your hospitality. I wouldn't accept my own daughters bringing a random man back to my house if they were staying here, never mind someone I've met only five times.

Its your house so they should have asked you first. Seems strange that he would welcome her when you are not well. I don't like visitors coming over straight away. A few days notice is better. Because I like to tidy up the house and get some fresh food in. So I think you were right.

Yanbu. It's your house ffs, when she called surely to God he should have said "Not sure today suits, it's Purrcats call not mine, she's actually sick so I would imagine a different time would be better so I'll check and call you back" or "It's Purrcat you need to check with not me, give her a call, it's her house"

Considering this happened Friday and you've not heard from him since I'd say you're well rid to be honest

I wanted notice because it was the holiday season and I had a few things planned I didn't expect to be ill. Also I like to get the room ready and clean bedding on.

I'd hate to have guests when unwell with a stomach bug.
I would also like to have notice anyway (i'm not talking about a couple of hours).
Your house your rules, he should have at least of run it by you. I'd hate to be on permanent stand by of guests turning up with 2hrs notice.

Yes Returnofthesmileybar. My exact thoughts

YANBU

Yanbu at all. If his family are always welcome anytime at his house then great. But he wasn’t at his house - he was himself a guest of yours and you were unwell. He should have checked and the childlike strip afterwards doesn’t reflect well on him either tbh.