AIBU or was this just bad manners.

[Purrrcat]

Need your help with this. I have been trying to work this out for days. If IBU I will fully accept it.

I am in a long distance relationship and my partner came up during the festive period to spend some time. Whilst he was here I got a message from his adult daughter asking if she could spend some time at my house after new year as she needed a break. I said no issue but just let me know when you plan to arrive as I have a few things on and need to make sure we are home for your arrival.

No problems. Didn't hear anything but didn't expect to as she said after new year.

Well Friday my parter said to me "Have you heard from my DD?" I said no but I said to her to let me know when she was arriving so no issue.

For background, I had been lying in bed most of the day trying to throw off a stomach bug. Also just for info, I had spent many years in an abusive relationship, so allowing people into my home is a big thing for me.
Also, the last time she stayed she invited a guy back and they lay in my spare room until teatime.

Anyway, next thing he is on the phone to his DD and I hear parts of the conversation with him arranging for her to come up that day. I tried to interrupt to ask what was happening but he brushed it away. When the call finished he said. Ah it's cool. She will be arriving in a few hours.

I had a go at him because A - I had expected her after new year and asked her to give me notice. B - He had arranged with her without consulting me. C - I was lying ill in bed at the time and in no state for guests.

He subsequently packed his bag and walked out telling me I was in the wrong because in his family everybody is welcome without notice.

AIBU? or was it just manners to ask me, since it is my house.

The notice thing is not a red herring. It was important to OP and she communicated this clearly several times. But these people clearly don't think how she feels is worth consideration. Let them go.

The notice thing is not a red herring

I think it is and he knew it and that's the problem. She wanted notice so basically she could find a reason for this woman not to come to her house, instead of just saying no. She could just say, sorry I'm busy it's not a good time and not tell him his daughter wasn't welcome.

I suspect he knew it. His daughter wasn't welcome in her house and he has taken offence.

The notice thing is a red herring - the OP knew the DD was coming - she just asked to come a couple of days early

She didn't ask. Her dad told the OP.
Notice is never a red herring. I even hate it when people show up earlier than expected more than 5 or 10 min.

And he arranged for his DD to go to the OP when he knew the OP was in bed with a stomach bug. Who does that?

She wanted notice so basically she could find a reason for this woman not to come to her house, instead of just saying no.

Dear god. Are you on a "excuse the man" and "find the most outlandish explanation" run today?

And he arranged for his DD to go to the OP when he knew the OP was in bed with a stomach bug. Who does that?

Someone who thought their child was welcome in their partner's house and who had travelled a long way to see said partner then found themselves twiddling their thumbs because their partner had spent the day in bed? And someone who would welcome their partner's child into their home?

YANBU. I'd let him walk and keep walking if he's that bloody childish. No way would I want anyone coming to my home if I was feeling sick.

Dear god. Are you on a "excuse the man" and "find the most outlandish explanation" run today

Are you on a run to prove to us all repeatedly you struggle with reading comprehension today? What part of I can see both sides confused you.

Tell me. I will explain it to you.

Bluntness, the issue is that he never asked OP if it was OK for his DD to go earlier. He just presented her with the fact that his DD was coming much earlier.

And if we are speculating, I'd bet he was the one who asked his DD to go earlier too.

@Bluntness100

Darling... Nice try.

Agree, as said, I can see it from both sides and I'm fairly sure he asked her to go early so he could see her and because the op was in bed all day. 🤣

Can’t believe the number of posters who think the op was unfair.
Me neither.

I can imagine my DH doing something thoughtless like this, me giving him a bollocking and the arrangement getting changed. NOT him storming off never to be heard of again.

The guy has ended the relationship. The OP is well rid, imho.

Bluntness100 I agreed to her coming because I actually didn't mind her coming ffs. Otherwise I wouldn't have agreed. And he wasn't alone whilst I was in bed. My daughter was here too. Who he gets on well with.

The issue I have is with them choosing to make a decision on my behalf whilst I was lying ill especially after me asking what was happening whilst he was on the phone.

And I didn't end the relationship he did. Mountain out of molehill. Hell yes but I didn't create the mountain

Veteranini. My controlling behaviour. Ha ha. That's hilarious. Troll

Thank you to all the posters who made me realise that it's not too much to ask for a bit of notice when someone is coming to stay. The reason I asked was primarily to make sure the bed was changed and the bathroom was clean. I do have a messy teenager living here too and actually wanted the place to look nice and welcoming.
Also. With this being the festive season I had a few nights and days out booked with friends and family so wanted to make sure someone would be home when she arrived.

I am still being ghosted. It hurts like hell because it took me a long long time to trust someone again. More fool me.

Thanks for your support. Maybe it's time to post on the relationship board.

Lweji is one of the most intelligent and reasonable posters on MN.

That's all.

I'd block him, OP. Then you're not tempted to check if he's contacted you. He was waiting for you to grovel for not allowing him to use your home as he sees fit.

Not more fool you. You are a nice person who is looking for good in a person. That's a good thing.

Sometimes it takes a while for people to drop their image and show their real self. Abusers* are especially good at that, otherwise they wouldn't be able to ensnare someone. The fact that you have seen something is off and know you are worth more than he is giving is wonderful. It hurts, yes, but it would hurt a lot more to stay with someone who doesn't respect you and your boundaries.

*not saying this guy is abusive, just that it's a trait abusive people often have.

The point is it’s irelevant. If the OP was so upset by this behaviour she should never have agreed to the DD coming. But she did, and now she’s trying to use the DD’s dubious ‘morals’ to justify her own overreaction to the DD arriving a bit early

Maybe she's less tolerant of people dragging day and night in her house when she's ill? Maybe she wanted to check with the DD that she wasn't going to bring a man home?

*shagging not dragging

Some people must have notices saying 'Walk On Me' stapled to their foreheads. I wouldn't accept that behaviour from a daughter, but then my DDs wouldn't do it in the first place. If anything, the OP was unwise not to have thrown the daughter and her strange man out when it happened. That was a signal right there that her feelings and her boundaries were going to be trampled all over.

You did absolutely right, OP. Ignore posters encouraging you to slip back into doormat mode.

I, too, would want notice exactly so i could change the bed and make sure the bathroom was clean.

Was he offering to do any prep, while the OP was unwell? Thought not.

Think you are well rid, OP, but do change the locks. Just the barrel, is a very reasonable investment to make for your own freedom. Enjoy.

Juells. Thank you. I would not let my own daughter behave this way either which is why I questioned it in the first place.

@Purrcat troll hunting us against talk guidelines. If you genuinely think i’m A troll then report me - see how far you get.

Also name calling as a response to someone who says something you don’t like is pretty immature. I’m starting to see why your DP stormed off if that’s the kind of attitude you show when someone says something you don’t Like.

so allowing people into my home is a big thing for me.

and yet I agreed to her coming because I actually didn't mind her coming ffs.

Maybe he was getting the same mixed messages. You might have thought he understood your “hard fought for space” but perhaps he doesn’t actually see it that way given you readily agreed to her coming for another visit. It’s not clear why your past is relevant if you actually didn’t mind her coming.

It seems a strange thing to storm out over, perhaps it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. You asked for notice, you got notice. But apparently it was too difficult because you wanted to change the bed, could he not have done that?

I’d say YABU but according to all your responses, you just want folk to agree with you so it’s probably worthless.