AIBU or was this just bad manners.

[Purrrcat]

Need your help with this. I have been trying to work this out for days. If IBU I will fully accept it.

I am in a long distance relationship and my partner came up during the festive period to spend some time. Whilst he was here I got a message from his adult daughter asking if she could spend some time at my house after new year as she needed a break. I said no issue but just let me know when you plan to arrive as I have a few things on and need to make sure we are home for your arrival.

No problems. Didn't hear anything but didn't expect to as she said after new year.

Well Friday my parter said to me "Have you heard from my DD?" I said no but I said to her to let me know when she was arriving so no issue.

For background, I had been lying in bed most of the day trying to throw off a stomach bug. Also just for info, I had spent many years in an abusive relationship, so allowing people into my home is a big thing for me.
Also, the last time she stayed she invited a guy back and they lay in my spare room until teatime.

Anyway, next thing he is on the phone to his DD and I hear parts of the conversation with him arranging for her to come up that day. I tried to interrupt to ask what was happening but he brushed it away. When the call finished he said. Ah it's cool. She will be arriving in a few hours.

I had a go at him because A - I had expected her after new year and asked her to give me notice. B - He had arranged with her without consulting me. C - I was lying ill in bed at the time and in no state for guests.

He subsequently packed his bag and walked out telling me I was in the wrong because in his family everybody is welcome without notice.

AIBU? or was it just manners to ask me, since it is my house.

Your house, your rules.

I don’t do last minute guests.

I don’t have overnight guests I haven’t met, unless it is family introducing a long term now live in partner to me on their visit.

Hwbu for organising for his daughter to come stay at your house without so much as a would you mind.

The killer here is the fact that he stormed off when you stood your ground. From now on whenever you have a disagreement you are going to worry about him storming off if he doesn't get his own way.

Can you go forward in a relationship like that?

Very rude of him to brush you away when you asked what was happening, as well. They both really over-stepped the boundaries. I'd hate somebody thinking they had the right to make the arrangements for someone to come stay in my home (him) or to sneak random strangers in (her).

As you were ill then he was unreasonable.

Though I would have just stayed in bed and said I was ill.

He should have discussed it with you first. If you said no and you were well but just didn't want his dd that day then I would say you are unreasonable. I would not want to he with someone who didn't welcome my child.

This didn't happen though so moot point.

I notice that apparently it wasn't rude of him to storm out when he didn't like your answer. Let him go and sulk. It's your house.

The killer here is the fact that he stormed off when you stood your ground. From now on whenever you have a disagreement you are going to worry about him storming off if he doesn't get his own way.

Ah, I didn't twig that, but now you've explained it it makes sense. Keep her on her toes and avoiding confrontation.

Men and their precious, always to be pandered to, adult daughters. Don't go back on this - you were right to ask for notice and right to be pissy when he arranged it without checking with you first.

He sounds like a knob - end it.

Amazed at some of these replies. He was really, really rude.

You had agreed she would come after new year. He then ignores this to chase her despite knowing you are ill, then gives you a tiny bit of notice that she's now coming at least 3 days early without bothering to check that you are ok with this. What the absolute fuck?

I'd be furious. What a dickhead AND her for bringing a man with her uninvited last time.

YANBU at all. Total disrespect to your wishes.

They are both disrespectful twats. I wouldn't be putting up with a visitor just inviting a random 'friend' for a shagfest in my spare bedroom. You were very kind to allow her back. He was a visitor too so not his place to make arrangements for other visitors. Then the sulky brat stormed out.

You're well rid of both of the entitled brats.

You need to end this. Now.

You do not need a ‘man’ in your life that strops off when you have a disagreement.

You have worked hard at getting out of an abusive relationship and getting your home feeling life a safe space. You don’t need people in it or in your life who don’t appreciate that.

^ that would be whether he was ‘right’ or not, because his attitude is not what you need.

As it happens, he was ‘wrong’ anyway. You and his DD had an arrangement, he asked her to come up earlier, he asked her to come when you weren’t ready for visitors. He, rudely, shusshed you.

Whether his family have an ‘open door’ policy or not is irrelevant. This is YOUR home he is VISITING.

Ditch the twat.

Thank you all for your responses. I feel better now. It's a done deal now anyway. He hasn't had the decency to contact me and I haven't heard from her either.

I really don't need anyone in my life that can't respect my wishes knowing my history.

It's good when people let you see past the facade before you get too enmeshed.

Yanbu. He was totally inconsiderate that you were unwell. Its your home. You had hardly any notice. Even if you had been living together its only polite to ask. Very immature to throw a tantrum by leaving. You didnt say his family wasnt welcome you just asked for some courtesy. Youre prob best off without him. Be glad youve discovered this about him now.

I really don't need anyone in my life that can't respect my wishes knowing my history.
Good for you OP for being boundaried.
Only thing is; does he have a key and does he have stuff at your house?
I would be changing the locks so he can’t be using your home as a drop in centre.

CurlyWurlyTwirly Yes unfortunately he has, so it looks like a trip to B&Q for me today. Thanks for highlighting.

You’ve basically ended your relationship because your partner didn’t ask your permission and wanted to see his daughter after she called ahead to give you notice. Yes he might have been a bit presumptuous but he was probably just excited to see his DD. You sound like massively hard work and pretty controlling

Would other posters seriously end their relationships because their partners didn’t ask permission (again) for a family member to visit after it had already been pre-agreed? I get the timeline shifted somewhat but this seems like massive mountain out of molehill territory to me

^ did you miss the bit where he stormed out like a petulant child? If he'd spoken to OP properly this could have been resolved.

@Veterinari

Well, no, that's not what happened. OP had agreed with partner's dd on Christmas that she could stay with OP (not sure for how many days) but that she needed plenty of notice and the dd said it would be after New Year.

The DD then called her dad (and not OP) to say she was coming that day to stay. This does not work for OP as she was previously in an abusive relationship and allowing people into her home is a big thing for her, which her partner knows and she needed much more notice. Yet he STILL told dd she could come and stay that day, even though he DIDN'T ASK OP and even though HE DOESN'T LIVE WITH OP.

That is a huge presumption from him. And what's more, when OP objected, he threw a strop, packed his bag and went to sulk, instead of apologising.

So no, Veterinari, the OP did not end her relationship because her partner wanted to see his dd.

She ended it because he and his DD were taking the piss.

Actually, if I'm following this correctly, it sounds more like he ended it. He stormed out and she hasn't heard from him since. Saved her the trouble of giving him the boot.

Well you asked for notice to make sure you weren't doing anything and were in and arguably you got notice, a few hours and you weren't doing anything, both were in.

However his walking out and cutting communication is not ok. Much really depends on how that conversation went.

I can really see it from both sides, he should have said "she's coming tonight is that ok" but on the flip side you'd already said yes as long as you had notice and were available and arguably both criteria were fulfilled.

In think they were both disrespectful of your home and hospitality op.

Well maybe i’m overly tolerant but i’m Not surprised he was upset when OP raised objections to his DD staying after previously agreeing that it was ok. The notice thing is a red herring - the OP knew the DD was coming - she just asked to come a couple of days early - not usually something that would trigger the end if the relationship.

The ‘stropping’ and ‘storming out’ are pretty much how anyone would describe an argument. We only have the OP’s version of events and even with that it seems like a massive issue over nothing.

The OP had already agreed that the DD could visit, her dad probably didn’t think her arriving a couple of days early would mean the end of his relationship (let’s face it, who would) . Mountain, molehill.