Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up on socialising - I'm just so bloody awkward

109 replies

Butteredghost · 01/01/2019 09:52

I feel like all my social interactions are just so awkward I can't bear it. Sad

I have a few friends but not super close ones, but that's OK, within the normal range I suppose. I try but I never really hit it off with people. I used to have an issue where on the rare occasion I was out, I wouldn't be able to think of anything to say, literally. Think silence for hours and people commenting on it. So these days I sort of force myself to say anything that comes to mind. I also make a list before any event of conversation topics from the news, etc.

But I just come off so awkward I'm cringing even as I'm speaking. And cringing 100x more thinking about it later. I was kindly invited to a NYE party and there was a foot in mouth moment every ten minutes. And not big things like asking someone if they are pregnant and they aren't. (Although someone asked me and I'm not - adding to my humiliation). More just small things, everything I say is just boring, not funny or weird. Someone talked to me for a few minutes, then said "good chat" sarcastically in bored voice. Blush

Today visiting my in laws it was similar. It's either sit literally in silence or have everyone like Confused

And before someone says, this isn't about to high expectations on NYE. The party was a small one and I don't care about it anyway specifically, but it's any time I go out or speak to anyone, including at work.

Should I just give up and become a hermit?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 01/01/2019 09:55

No

You need a better list

You need to ask the person a loot themselves

What do they do
Where are they going in holiday
Have they ever tried ‘sky diving’ or whatever

This will bring up more to ask about

GreenTulips · 01/01/2019 09:55

About not a loot

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 01/01/2019 09:55

A glass of wine normally helps me, a little bit of dutch courage and try not to over think it

Catsick36 · 01/01/2019 09:55

Ahh be kind to yourself. Over expose yourself to every kind of social situation. You sound like you are a bit rusty that's all. It does take practise for some people, i find it exhausting as well. Hugs

guinea36 · 01/01/2019 09:59

No! Sounds like you have social anxiety that’s making you too nervous to speak. It’s also quite possible you’re over analysing the ‘foot and mouth’ moments and they’re not really that bad. Beta blockers can be a helpful way of getting over your nerves and helping you think more clearly. However they don’t mix with alcohol.

SpamChaudFroid · 01/01/2019 10:02

I feel your pain Op. I come across like an enthusiastic puppy and people think I'm taking the piss when I'm not. Smalltalk is a bloody confusing minefield. Confused

Kittykat93 · 01/01/2019 10:09

Whoever said the 'good chat' comment sarcastically is incredibly rude, can't believe no one has already said that.

I'm a bit like this op, and you're not alone in feeling this way. I don't know how to overcome it, I usually have a couple of drinks and that gets the conversation flowing !

SteakPie · 01/01/2019 10:10

I think giving up on socialising at that type of nye party is probably sensible!
Your partner with the "nice chat" sounds possibly rather socially lacking themselves just in an more aggressive way.

Fwiw I believe you can improve. I say this firstly because most people are quite awkward at the teenage stage and then make improvements. Plus I was very self conscious ( a huge barrier to practice and hence improvement imo.) I made a conscious efforts to practice and improve as an adult.

In laws can be tricky if I am feeling self conscious. I just try to be interested in their lives really and know which, if any, light news stories are likely to have caught their attention this week.

dayswithaY · 01/01/2019 10:10

When in doubt just ask people questions about themselves. Most people will talk endlessly about their kids/job/dog/hobbies. Just wind them up and watch them go.

VioletCharlotte · 01/01/2019 10:14

As PP have said, take control of the conversation and ask lots of questions. At a party you can ask things like how they know the host, where they live, what they do for a living, etc. Most people like to talk about themselves.

IndianaMoleWoman · 01/01/2019 10:16

I find that if you ask the right questions people are more than happy to waffle on about themselves whilst I smile, nod and drink. They need to be open questions, not ones with a yes or no answer. I know it’s too late but good ones for a New Year’s Eve party are what did you get up to over Christmas, what are your resolutions, where are you going on holiday next year etc.

Come up with some stock answers that you could use when the person reciprocates, eg we had a lovely quiet Christmas, I received gift X which was great because of reason Y, we had Z for dinner for a change this year, it was nice but I think we’ll have turkey next year. Then on Boxing Day we walked round place A, blah blah blah.

I too have no idea what to say to people but I’ve trained myself. I realised that it’s actually small talk that I struggle with; I think my brain just doesn’t see the point. That sounds really arrogant written down but I can’t think of a better way to explain it! I can discuss things that I actually care about with people I know well for hours.

At work in particular I find myself wracking my brains whilst someone is waffling on about their sister-in-law’s dog’s toothache, but you can train yourself to ask follow up questions and get away with saying very little.

TroubledMuchly · 01/01/2019 10:16

You're my people! I'm like this. And the cringing after is the worst.

I've got better with practice to keep the conversation on someone else which helps (really listen and keep asking questions)

But you have to stop beating yourself up, that inner critic will swallow you up.

Some people are naturally good in social situations, others not so much. It's okay that you find it hard, there's nothing wrong with you!

But don't risk being lonely by cutting yourself off - I can promise that won't help! I'm slowly forcing myself into more social situations and feeling better for it, despite all the awkwardness. God, am I awkward.

morningconstitutional2017 · 01/01/2019 10:22

I am by nature a shy person but have got better as I've got older and more experienced. I've found that small talk which used to seem an insurmountable barrier is an art which can be learned like any other. Don't run yourself down or give up on the human race OP.

ChanelPlease · 01/01/2019 10:23

I have a socially awkward dsis who panics about what to say, the more she worries the worse she gets.

Just learn to accept yourself. The loud self proclaImed 'bubbly' people are often tedious. When stuck in an awkward situation just ask questions, laugh nod say 'really?' a few times. Many people love to talk about themselves.

Being socially awkward is fine, don't be too critical of yourself. I'd rather spend time with someone like you than a 'chatterbox' anyday.

dreamingofsun · 01/01/2019 10:23

do you have any hobbies or interests? I've found that since i'm doing more i have more things to say. I also use mumsnet if i'm stuck.......so i'll say something like i was reading xyz on mumsnet what do they think?

Charles11 · 01/01/2019 10:24

Don’t give up!

I agree with asking a lot of questions. Really listen to what someone is saying and find out a bit more about it.

What do you do that’s interesting about you?

Do you listen to talk radio or radio 4? It’s a good way to absorb how people interact plus there is also a lot of interesting information that can help you contribute more to conversations.

Highginx · 01/01/2019 10:29

The good chat comment might be a self-deprecating comment about themselves. It could be they felt responsible for the conversation not going well and you’re looking for criticism. Hopefully. Otherwise they’re just a dick.

WrapAndRoll · 01/01/2019 10:30

Oh me too! This time of year makes me feel inadequate because everyone seems to be socialising wildly. I am quite introverted and don't make friends easily, so apart from family, am quite lonely. I have social anxiety and haven't managed to make any lasting friendships since moving here several years ago. People I think are friends cool off after a while and I wonder what the point is of trying again. I would just like to "click" with a few people but I find "making friends" very tiring and difficult. I've had loads of therapy for past circumstances and depression but I still don't really "get" what makes most people tick and get blanked by people for no reason I can think of. I can do the "positive, outgoing" thing outwardly but envy those for whom this comes naturally.

Missingstreetlife · 01/01/2019 10:31

Small talk, party chat is excruciating. I'm quite gregarious and confident, hold my own in meetings, but I hate those superficial little conversations. Find something to do, helping give out the drinks or nibbles may help, but it is torture

TeIlIo · 01/01/2019 10:32

I've fully given up, asd and just awkward and it makes me happier to just not socialise! My one bit of socialising I do is online in gaming communities.
But (I realise the irony in the self confessed hermit saying this!) don't give up based on a rude git, he was the rude awkward one not you. Like others said have you got any hobbies your into?

10greenbottlez · 01/01/2019 10:33

I could have written your post OP. I often feel that whoever has the misfortune of talking to me at a party finds me seriously boring and that they can’t wait to get away and chat to the more interesting people across the room. I also worry that people just don’t like me because I’m so dull/always say the wrong thing. I was hoping I’d get better with age, but I’m mid-30s now and still feel exactly the same.

happymum12345 · 01/01/2019 10:43

I once asked someone who has been helping people at an earthquake rescue, if he had a ‘nice time away’ as I couldn’t think of what to say. My friend then overheard him talking to other people about what I’d said. Since then, I try very hard with small talk, although I find it so dull! You’re not alone.

Bringbackthestrioes · 01/01/2019 10:45

I could have written this Sad I have spent so long constantly turning invitations down I’m not really invited anymore and I have pretty much just stopped seeing people. I see a very lonely old age looming and am now starting to panic.

OneStepMoreFun · 01/01/2019 10:45

I agree with PPs who say don't give up but change your social scene. If you are surrounded by a small group of people with shared interests you can talk about thos einterests. That's the only time I feel socially comfortable.

But I bet there are TED talks or podcasts or YouTube videos on how to perfect good social chat. I could do with some too!

Don't feel bad that some rude person at a NYE party put you down. They're the one who should be ashamed, not you.

Lalliella · 01/01/2019 10:49

Ah I used to be just like you OP. Still am on occasions. I think the key is to show an interest in people, ask them about themselves (open questions - what/how/why/where - not yes/no questions), listen well, share your own experiences. Having a list is a good idea, it might need a bit of a rework. You sound like a nice person, you just need to open up a bit and let people get to know you. Take the mickey out of yourself if need be. And yes that “nice chat” person was very rude.