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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up on socialising - I'm just so bloody awkward

109 replies

Butteredghost · 01/01/2019 09:52

I feel like all my social interactions are just so awkward I can't bear it.

I have a few friends but not super close ones, but that's OK, within the normal range I suppose. I try but I never really hit it off with people. I used to have an issue where on the rare occasion I was out, I wouldn't be able to think of anything to say, literally. Think silence for hours and people commenting on it. So these days I sort of force myself to say anything that comes to mind. I also make a list before any event of conversation topics from the news, etc.

But I just come off so awkward I'm cringing even as I'm speaking. And cringing 100x more thinking about it later. I was kindly invited to a NYE party and there was a foot in mouth moment every ten minutes. And not big things like asking someone if they are pregnant and they aren't. (Although someone asked me and I'm not - adding to my humiliation). More just small things, everything I say is just boring, not funny or weird. Someone talked to me for a few minutes, then said "good chat" sarcastically in bored voice.

Today visiting my in laws it was similar. It's either sit literally in silence or have everyone like

And before someone says, this isn't about to high expectations on NYE. The party was a small one and I don't care about it anyway specifically, but it's any time I go out or speak to anyone, including at work.

Should I just give up and become a hermit?

OP posts:

SteakPie · 01/01/2019 10:49

Happymum I'd be unimpressed at his repeating your gaffe! Whatever his humanitarian credentials. Haven't most of us put foot in mouth?

BadMoodBoard · 01/01/2019 10:55

IndianaMoleWoman what you have written down resonates with me so much. I struggle with small talk so badly, I am aware that I come across as aloof and perhaps arrogant at work as I rarely join in pointless talk. I find it physically painful, and not because I am a highly intelligent and interesting human being, it's not that at all. My brain goes blank and I am unable to utter a word.

I feel a need to compile a bank of stock sentences to depict interest/empathy in passing conversation.

BlimeyCalmDown · 01/01/2019 11:23

Google social anxiety, anti-depressants are also used as anti-anxiety medication and can help a lot.

Lompopo · 01/01/2019 11:43

Don't worry, this is stuff that you can learn/change. For some people it just seems to come more naturally than others, that's all. It's good to do research and think about things you can talk about beforehand. Thinking of questions is a really good one. Also, to a certain degree, not giving a shit. Like who you are, like what you do, have interests and hobbies and the rest will fall into place.

Console yourself that you're not a complete and utter twat like the person that made the 'good chat' comment. That person has far greater issues than not being a good conversationalist.

Polarbearflavour · 01/01/2019 11:47

I’ve given up to be honest, I don’t like social events and I never know what to say.

Oh well! 🤷🏻‍♀️

FiveStoryFire · 01/01/2019 14:10

Do you drink? I don't mean get hammered. But a couple of glasses of something might relax you a bit and make you more natural.

YouBetterWORK · 01/01/2019 14:16

Even if you aren't a sparkling conversationalist saying "good chat" in a sarky voice is very rude, so they were a fucker, you don't need to care what they think of you. Small talk is shite, I can't do it and over analyse what I say and hope it wasn't dull or I offended anyone. DH says what he likes and has the gift of putting people at ease.

HeffalumpsnWoozles · 01/01/2019 14:17

This is so me, I recently got married it was a long day but I was happily chatting to people up until the evening reception. I had a blinding headache by then and was introduced to people my DH worked for, I had literally nothing to say and ended up blathering on about how tired I was. I could see their eyes glazing over and I felt really awkward which made things worse. Not good with small talk at the best of times but can usually muddle through...not this time. Thankfully I’ll probably never see them again but I’m sure their opinion of me was a rude, weird dullard.

FourteenCows · 01/01/2019 14:34

I want to be friends with all of the awkward people! I’m awkward and weird too, and I love people that are similar.

ChloeCrawfor · 01/01/2019 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WrapAndRoll · 01/01/2019 14:41

Why don't I meet anyone like the lovely people on this thread in real life?!

flameycakes · 01/01/2019 14:52

I've tried for 40 odd years to fit in, wondering what was up with me, 3 autistic sons later and bingo I now know why. Very happy to be asocial rather than anti social xxxxx

Excited101 · 01/01/2019 14:54

I accosted a very attractive single man at a small house party last night, about his bunion... most of us have the ‘saying the wrong thing’ condition!

SierraSmythe · 01/01/2019 15:02

I'm another one who agrees with asking lots of questions. The other person will soon say something you can relate to and show a keen interest in or even tell your own story about. The only people I consider boring conversationalists are the ones who don't ask me a single question. Here's an example:

You: do you live near here?
Them: I live in X
You: I've heard it's really nice around there even if it's a lie!
Them: Yeah, it's nice but there have been a few burglaries recently
You: Oh! I was reading in the paper the other day that burglaries have doubled in the past year! This is where reading the news comes in Isn't it awful the lack of police presence these days...? (Continue chatting about the police, society, where you both live, etc. Revisit questions about their neighbourhood, rent increases, how hard it is to get on the property ladder)

It helps if you are a curious person and genuinely want to know more about things. People love talking about themselves and you get to learn things that you can use in future conversations - win-win!

Patroclus · 01/01/2019 15:21

I used to be like this. I thought everybody had the same disdain for small talk as I did, which isnt true. Then with a bit of practice I found the whole thing easier and that I appreciated small talk myself.

SteakPie · 01/01/2019 15:34

Small talk is studied by linguists as "phatic communication". My useless fact of the day!

KonekoBasu · 01/01/2019 15:39

Beta blockers can be a helpful way of getting over your nerves and helping you think more clearly. However they don’t mix with alcohol.

Oh god, really? I was told it was fine to have a drink with them, and I have on occasion.

NonvalidUsername · 01/01/2019 15:39

I used to be like you OP.
Now I question question question. My theory is that most people LOVE talking about themselves, so it'll never go silent. Their answers lead to new topics of conversation and finding common ground.
My DH laughs at me and says I come across like a journalist but I don't really care. I am genuinely interested in people these days and what makes them tick, which does help, but I'm not faking anything.

anyideasonthis · 01/01/2019 15:42

I agree the person who said "good chat" is unbelievably rude and they have a much bigger problem than you!!
My bit of advice is don't feel the responsibility to provide good conversation. How about taking the stance that you will see how others can entertain you?

I mean, well done for making the effort to step out of your comfort zone, but do you think something in your upbringing makes you feel you have to please everyone else? I know I used to try and be a really good guest with lots of stimulating chat, and only quite recently have I stopped giving a shit! I let others lead. It is very liberating!

onyabikeivy · 01/01/2019 15:42

You're not alone. I was out for my fil birthday Sunday and hardly spoke for ages then when I did have a story to tell (led into it by my oh) it involved the f word in a quote which instead of saying f I just swore (albeit quietly) then later we went back to bil house and I was alone with my children and sil I just spoke to it about the kids, yesterday all I could think was why didn't I ask her what plans they have for new year or what the did for Christmas 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm sure bil and sil think I'm really odd

AlwaysSomethingThere · 01/01/2019 15:53

I bet you're not that bad.

You have in laws
Which means you have a husband
Which means someone wanted to marry you!

😊

Thewifipasswordis · 01/01/2019 16:10

Listen to conversations at parties, they generally one person asking questions about the other and going from there with more questions. You don't have to 'think' about anything. People love to talk about themselves. The 'best' party guests are the ones who are just chatting.

That's badically all chatting is... asking simple questions.

"Hiiii, how are you?
I'm '*your name'
How do you know '*hosts name'?
Did you have a good Christmas?
Did Father Christmas get you anything nice?
Oh wow! That sounds lovely.
I got '*insert also lovely gift here'
I can't wait to get time to use it. Work is going to be crazy next week.
So tell me, what do you do?
..... and on and on and on"

Thewifipasswordis · 01/01/2019 16:11

Bloody phone!! Sorry for the typos

Patroclus · 01/01/2019 16:11

I got a lot better after I was put on anti depressants as well, most of all they stopped me over analysing every awkward thing I have ever done in the past- things that people probably didnt even notice or forgot about in 2 seconds anyway.

IndianaMoleWoman · 01/01/2019 16:39

BadMoodBoard obviously I’d reply but I can’t think of anything to say!

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