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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up on socialising - I'm just so bloody awkward

109 replies

Butteredghost · 01/01/2019 09:52

I feel like all my social interactions are just so awkward I can't bear it. Sad

I have a few friends but not super close ones, but that's OK, within the normal range I suppose. I try but I never really hit it off with people. I used to have an issue where on the rare occasion I was out, I wouldn't be able to think of anything to say, literally. Think silence for hours and people commenting on it. So these days I sort of force myself to say anything that comes to mind. I also make a list before any event of conversation topics from the news, etc.

But I just come off so awkward I'm cringing even as I'm speaking. And cringing 100x more thinking about it later. I was kindly invited to a NYE party and there was a foot in mouth moment every ten minutes. And not big things like asking someone if they are pregnant and they aren't. (Although someone asked me and I'm not - adding to my humiliation). More just small things, everything I say is just boring, not funny or weird. Someone talked to me for a few minutes, then said "good chat" sarcastically in bored voice. Blush

Today visiting my in laws it was similar. It's either sit literally in silence or have everyone like Confused

And before someone says, this isn't about to high expectations on NYE. The party was a small one and I don't care about it anyway specifically, but it's any time I go out or speak to anyone, including at work.

Should I just give up and become a hermit?

OP posts:
Original poster
Butteredghost · 01/01/2019 19:58

Thanks everyone for the encouragement. I don't want to give up as I do enjoy it when an event goes well (rarely!).

Yes I do have a husband. I'm grateful for him. He is awkward like me, and he doesn't have any friends really. At our wedding he had no friends there, not even one. So no help from him really.

Of course I do ask people about themselves. But I don't find it's the magic conversation trick everyone says. I don't find people want to talk about themselves and do all the work, it seems like people want a back and forth and/or to be entertained. When I overhear conversations this is what seems to be happening.

I have a few hobbies but nothing interesting really. One thing I like to talk about is podcasts, which ones do you listen to, get recommendations, and talk about interesting discussions I've heard on there.

Oh and yes my main way of getting through events is having a few drinks. I used to drink then catch a cab home, but since having dc I have to drive so I can pick dc up from babysitter on the way home. I can have 1-2 drinks only.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butteredghost · 01/01/2019 20:15

Some of my cringe moments

  • Lady was telling me how she had literally travelled everywhere and had no countries left. I said "what about Saudi Arabia bet you haven't been there". She glared at me and said "they behead people there". I hadn't been suggesting she actually go!

  • Man telling story about when he accidentally wore a rude t shirt to family Xmas lunch. I said "poor grandma was probably shocked". He said "my grandma's dead".

  • everyone talking about an event coming up, I said I'm looking forward to seeing a dog that always comes to the event. Silence and everyone looking like Confused. What's wrong with wanting to see a cute dog, I don't even understand where this went wrong.

  • Asked about my hobbies, I said going to the beach. I couldn't think of anything else and there was silence. That's when the guy said "nice chat". That was in front of about 5 people including DH. Blush

  • Being asked if I'm pregnant but this wasn't my foot in mouth for once. But the person didn't seem to embarrassed at all, just I was!

OP posts:
Original poster
Butteredghost · 01/01/2019 20:18

Oh and @happymum12345 the same thing has happened to me. At at funeral I said "it was nice to see you" to an uncle, he said "well not really considering the circumstances" Blush

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 01/01/2019 20:21

I feel for you OP as I'm crap at this too. For what it's worth I don't think any of those examples made you sound inappropriate at all.

Excited101 · 01/01/2019 20:26

Honestly? Everything you listed that you ‘shouldn’t have said’ sounded fine to me, and could have easily been laughed off by others. It’s their reactions that made what you said uncomfortable, not what you actually said.

Nodancingshoes · 01/01/2019 20:27

Me too op... I have a group of 5 close friends which I am fine with but outside of this I always say the wrong thing. Drinking makes it worse

dayswithaY · 01/01/2019 20:30

I think you have been talking to a lot of rude people. Can't really see much wrong with any of your comments, just generic conversation. How are you supposed to know if their Grandma is dead - it wasn't meant literally. It's not you - its them.

Loveweekends10 · 01/01/2019 20:30

My DH has social anxiety. Ladt night we were sat with a table of strangers at a hotel do and he started talking about visiting a donkey sanctuary. I knew he was just nervous. I could tell they just thought he was weird! Bless him! Its tricky isn’t it? You have to judge the conversation and pitch it correctly.

BBCK · 01/01/2019 20:34

Exactly as PP said, there was nothing wrong with anything you said. I can’t believe the replies were meant seriously and if I’d received those replies it wouldn’t occur to me that I had put my foot in it and I would laugh it off. I don’t think you have any problems making small talk but maybe you imagine people’s negative reactions.

danni0509 · 01/01/2019 20:48

I'm socially awkward too, I always say daft things.

Teacher at school had to leave a meeting regarding my ds & she apologised and said she had to leave & I very politely said YOUR WELCOME I meant to say no problem. I'm so cringey!!

At the door to the pizza delivery guy I meant to say lovely thank you. And I said love you thank you!! Grin

I'm fine with people I know and feel comfortable with but strangers i end up chatting shit and showing myself up.

NonvalidUsername · 01/01/2019 21:04

We would get on well OP, I love talking about podcasts too. I recount anecdotes I've heard on them which I think are fascinating but people often look at me like Hmm
I might start a podcast for people who like talking about podcasts!

Nothing you said sounds cringey. I remember as a child I noticed my older brother always asked my parents if they'd had a nice time when they got back from an event. So I tried it. That event happened to be a funeral. That set the precedent for my life for a few years and I still cringe about it, my parents' astounded reaction to my innocent trying-to-fit-in-to-social-norms question had a greater effect on me than they could ever know.

Original poster
Butteredghost · 01/01/2019 21:10

I know those things don't seem that bad! That's what I mean when I say I didn't say anything that outrageous, like make a racist comment or something. But I get negative reactions. I'm not imagining them though. You can't imagine silence and someone saying "nice chat".

OP posts:
Original poster
Butteredghost · 01/01/2019 21:16

It’s their reactions that made what you said uncomfortable, not what you actually said

Yes but it's their reaction that makes the conversation isn't it. I can't just keep blathering on and "laughing it off" while they are standing there in silence like Confused. This is embarrassing but sometimes I listen to things people say that are well received and note that down in my mind to say myself later to different people. Like not their anecdotes but the type of things they talk about, questions they ask, topics that spark good convos. But when I say it later, it isn't recieved and just gets silence and pity looks.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 01/01/2019 21:16

I've cut back a lot on socialising because I get so little out of it. There are some nice people in my life but if it's people I'm not likely to see again then the cons outweigh the pros so to speak.

Original poster
Butteredghost · 01/01/2019 23:40

I feel like I am getting better but at a snails pace. At 22 I had the social skills of a 5 year old who hides behind mums skirt when people talk to them. Now I'm 33 I'm socially like an awkward teenager. At this rate I'll be 90 before I get to a reasonable level.

When it all works out you do feel great so I want to keep trying.

Maybe my solution for now is leave DH at home with dc so I can drink more.

OP posts:
Highginx · 02/01/2019 00:39

Maybe you’re not everyone’s cup of tea and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not either. And I’m rubbish at small talk but I have a couple of close friends who are just the same and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s just an efficient way of sorting the wheat from the chaff.

BiffChipandNipples · 02/01/2019 00:49

You are not alone, I am terrible at this. I watch others in amazement. I think I am terrible is because I try to end the convo as soon as possible. I also think I give off an unconfident nervous vibe, so people know my conversation will be crap before I even speak. Some times you just have to fake it like Beyoncé/Sasha Fierce, But the whole thing is exhausting.

Original poster
Butteredghost · 02/01/2019 02:12

BiffChipandNipples same, people can tell just by looking I'm horrible to talk to. If I turn to talk to someone I usually see their face fall and clearly they are thinking "oh crap".

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/01/2019 03:31

My bit of advice is don't feel the responsibility to provide good conversation. How about taking the stance that you will see how others can entertain you?

This is excellent advice! I'm not the most socially relaxed person either, but I'm no longer over-analyzing or worrying that people think I'm boring as I know I'm not an idiot.

If conversations aren't going well, you probably don't have much in common - I like a good sense of humour and am drawn to warm personalities, so when that's missing, I move on. Plus, if people are rude or silent, they're not exactly entertaining, are they?

I didn't try too hard to make conversation at a party yesterday, I just hung out with DH and chatted to people I felt like talking to...some conversations were interesting, others less so. You be the judge of who you like, OP!

giantnannyknickers · 02/01/2019 03:39

I'm sooooo socially awkward too OP do don't worry, there is plenty of us out there. I've gotten better with practice. And noticed it's a lot easier to listen to people talk then make the conversations work. So ask loads and loads of questions. And if stuck, turn to who? What? When? Where? Why? Type questions. Open ended questions and what do you think? Etc these help me.

Candolim97 · 02/01/2019 04:19

OP I’m the sameBlush

Original poster
Butteredghost · 02/01/2019 10:16

My bit of advice is don't feel the responsibility to provide good conversation. How about taking the stance that you will see how others can entertain you?

This is good in theory but wouldn't work in practice. I've found most people (especially men) don't want to bother entertaining someone they feel is socially below them. And people can tell I'm below them just by looking at me, so they feel no need to entertain me or indulge me in any way, for example, by laughing off some silly thing I say.

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 02/01/2019 10:21

Someone talked to me for a few minutes, then said "good chat" sarcastically in bored voice.

Believe me, in this scenario you were not the one lacking social graces!!

I always find the best bet in these situations is to ask people about themselves. What are their hobbies, where did they go in holiday, what was the best part of 2018 for them, what are they looking forward to in 2019, how did they meet the host etc. People like to talk about themselves and they like others who show an interest.

Original poster
Butteredghost · 02/01/2019 10:22

giantnannyknickers I know to ask questions but if they aren't giving much back my mind goes totally blank and I run out.

Up thread pp gave the following example of a conversation I could have by asking questions...

You: do you live near here?
Them: I live in X
You: I've heard it's really nice around there
Them: Yeah, it's nice but there have been a few burglaries recently
You: Oh! I was reading in the paper the other day that burglaries have doubled in the past year! Isn't it awful the lack of police presence these days...? (Continue chatting about the police, society, etc)

But it would never go like that for me. It would go...

Me: Where do you live?
Them: X
Me: I've heard it's nice there
Them: Shrugs
Me: Umm... You must get burgled a lot!
Them: Confused backs away slowly

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 02/01/2019 10:25

From your examples it sounds like your primary problem is you’re talking to arseholes. I’d have happily chatted to you about a cute dog or the area I live in!